A note to the observant: Almost all city names are false; they were taken from a variety of fantasy sources. All characters are based on real people, so it is no coincidence that they are the strongest part of the story. Names, and sometimes personality and personal history, have been modified to protect the innocent. The events of this story, however, are complete fiction.
When I woke up, it was just past ten. I could tell because some time over the past two hours, I had slipped off Colin's chest as I slept, and my head had turned to the left, which gave me a view of not only the digital clock near his bed, but the right side of his chest. Idly I massaged his pectorals. A little scrawny. Maybe he ought to work out. He says his father, an architect and former carpenter, has some work lined up for him over the summer, building track houses in Keld. Maybe that will give him some upper-body definition.
In about twelve hours, Colin Watson has turned my world upside down. Some of the changes have been welcome. Some, on the other hand, have been, well, a little harder to get used to. I mean, I
like
it when my men have some muscle. That's just something I appreciate in men. And the kind of boy I
normally
go out with are, you know, the sports guys, the athletic types... The jocks, in other words. The ones that value appearances. So they have muscles, because their reputations depend on having them. And it's nice to curl up with my head on their chest and feel the planes of their muscles shifting, to know their strength.
But sometimes I think that they are boys, in every sense of the word, and that Colin is the only person I've dated who's actually a man.
Because out of everyone I've curled up with, my head on their chest, he's the only one who didn't give me that look--sort of confused, sort of put out, like
Why are you doing this?
And he's the only one who put his arm around me and drew me in closer. The others... Didn't get it.
I've lived my life on my appearances. I know that. The simple fact is, I look good, and even though looks are an accident, they shape your life. Nature's accidents gave me blonde hair and blue eyes, that staple of American prepubescent fantasy; Nature's accidents gave me good skin and good health and a body that eventually went soft and curvy and swelled in all the right places; and Nature's accidents gave everybody else eyes that follow me wherever I go. Every friend's parent I've met has called me beautiful (and believe me, that gets embarrasing eventually) and almost every one of my girl friends has confessed to me (privately) that they're envious of my looks. It's just part of my life. And looks give you power, too. You know all the porn stories circulating about hot chicks who seduce their way to a passing grade--a look here, a sniffle there, a flash of the titties, that sort of thing. I could do that. I'm used to the power of my body.
I think the first time I learned about that power was second grade. I had more or less forgotten about this until Colin told me about it--
he
hadn't remembered either, his
mother
told him about it. Mrs. Watson. But once she reminded him, he remembered; and once he reminded me, I remembered. It was at this birthday party that one of our second-grade classmates held. I don't remember who, but he invited just about everybody in our class to come and have birthday cake and open presents and swim in his pool. Colin loved it--he swims like a fish, always has--but I wasn't so inclined, because back then I didn't know how to swim. No one had ever taught me, what with my father being off in the Army and my mother working all the time and my sister being younger than I am and the only other authority figure being my grandma, who was about eighty and died by cigarettes when I was twelve. I remember being really frustrated, because everyone (including Colin) was having a great time, and I wasn't. Not only wasn't,
couldn't
. Water scared me. I didn't know how to swim.
Well, the birthday boy's mother decked me out in all these colorful floaters, and tried to teach me to swim. Or at least to be comfortable in the water. I think Colin tried to help, but Mrs. Birthday-Boy wasn't having any, and I think he wandered away again. (Colin was young and easily distractable back then. I don't hold it against him.) But it just wasn't something I could get used to, and I ended up spending most of the party on the couch, watching TV.
Finally, in frustration, Mrs. Birthday-Boy declared, "Oh, don't worry, Heather, you may not like water, but at least you still have your looks." And Mrs. Watson, who was helping out at the party, overheard, and was sad to hear it. And Colin was very sad to tell me.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've always known I could count on my looks to get me somewhere. I was told it from a young age, by a variety of people, and later, around the time I grew my tits and ass, I discovered they were right.
But I think it went too far. People would look at me, even my boyfriends would look at me, and think,
Well, she looks perfect, she must
be
perfect
, and none of them ever thought that looks can be deceiving. That the girl with the golden hair didn't necessarily have everything figured out. And that there were nights when everything looked dark and I thought I didn't have a chance in Hell of making my life into what I wanted it to be.
And on these bad nights I would curl up next to my Boy of the Month and cling to him with my head on his chest, and he would give me that look--sort of confused, sort of put out, why are you doing this--and I'd realize that he didn't really understand.
Colin never treated me that way. Not through our long years of friendship, and not now, with his arm around my shoulders, holding me close to him. He's known me on good days, when I'm the kind of woman I want to be; he's known me on the bad days, when I'm spiraling off into oblivion and haven't any idea how to get back on track. Hell, I had bad
years
, back when I was
really
into popular music and fashion and cheerleaders and stuff, when I tried to replace my identity with popularity. He knows both sides, and unlike others, he has never assumed that I didn't
have
a bad side. I think people do that sometimes. I don't know why. What could be more stupid? We're
all
human, we
all
have good and bad days. But at the same time, I kind of understand, because we all must look up to
someone
. There must be someone we think has got it all figured out.
I think Colin has it figured out. This is not to say that he doesn't have bad days. He does. But he doesn't just take the surface appearance at face value. He looks closer. And he isn't put off when he finds out that the reality is different than the surface. I think he understands that we're all trying to be different than what we are now, and that most of us aren't done trying yet. And he's okay with that.
Those other boys I dated, on the other hand... Ugh, my God. They didn't want to hear about it when I was unhappy. They didn't want to talk about problems. This is why I'm so glad I'm out of that whole popularity crowd thing now, because it's a crowd that thrives on denial.