The sun had set some time ago. I could see the lights in the distance, adding an almost welcoming call from the darkness that land was just at the tip of the horizon. This trip was a final promise to my wife. On her deathbed she had made me promise to take our daughter on a cruise, Victoria had then pulled a sheet of paper out from under her pillow and handed it to me, the cruise was paid for and this was the confirmation.
I had no idea how she did all this from a hospital bed, although I suspected her parents had a hand in this as well. So with little choice left to me considering she was slipping away minute by minute, I agreed. Her face lit up and that smile that had held both me and my heart to her every day of our relationship and marriage proved to me once again, just how deeply I loved her and through her, the gift she gave me eighteen months into our marriage.
So, one year to the day of her death my daughter Sophie and I had spent two great weeks on the biggest boat she had ever seen. If anything it had breathed a little life back into me now. I was all but useless after the funeral and if it wasn't for my cousin I'm not even sure the funeral would have been organized. I was dead inside, it was only Sophie that got me out of bed and kept me going from one day to the next over the first few months.
I had read the stages of mourning, I had even challenged myself with those very questions, from 'when will I feel better after a loss' to 'how long does grief last after the death of a partner'. My favorite one was 'people think I should move on, but I can't.'
All held valid points, yet none of these people knew my wife. She was the glue that held all three of us together. When we found out about her cancer and just how aggressive it was she was the only one of us that stood firm, held me up as I floundered and still looked after our daughter. I always believed that Victoria's love within our family unit was the reason she stayed alive for so long.
She was wise enough to know that only this cruise was going to be the turning point for me. Always the one that thought ahead in our relationship, she must have known that my returning to the land of the living could be done in stages. Her folks became my pillar as I dealt with my loss and return to work, although I did make some changes there as well.
Delegation became a watch word as well as a couple of overdue promotions. Cherry picking at the technology that was around today also helped as I set about converting one of the rooms at the house into a home office. I swore to myself that I wasn't going to miss any of Sophie's growing up. Now, on the occasions that I do go to the office I was glad I made the choice to give some of my people the reins.
So when I do return home in the evening Sophie became my world and I watched in awe at just how much like her mother she was as the days, weeks and months passed.
Little Sophie, was by far the more resilient one of us and it took this trip for me to realize it. I was truly awake now, no more stumbling from one hopeless moment to sheer terror of living my life without Victoria. It took this trip with my own six-year-old daughter to do just that. There was so much of her mother in her that it felt like I was just looking at a younger version of her.
"Where is that daddy?" A little voice asked from behind me.
Looking at where my daughter was pointing, the lights of the city could only just be seen. Some of the taller buildings were still impressive, even from this distance.
"That my little one is New York. We will be home in the morning." I replied.
My little girl stood and watched the lights on the far-off horizon. Her hand slipped into mine and we both watched the soft lights in the distance. With a sigh of contentment I stepped away from the side and gave my little girl a smile.
"You need to get to bed now, you've had a long day today, remember you're off to your grannies for the rest of the summer the day after tomorrow."
Her tiny hand released mine and I turned, starting to walk back into the cabin, the night was so calm and yet filled with, something. I had been feeling whatever it was for most of the day; at best my description would be feeling static build up within me. I felt a great ache in the joints of my elbows and knees, the headache was a forgone conclusion, more so because I spent so much time trying to figure all this out.
The reasons for all these feelings were just outside of my reach, a shadow in my thoughts I couldn't quite get to focus. A darkness that was forever within the periphery of my vision, yet it was something else that just wouldn't come into focus and it was infuriating the hell out of me.
An unknown feeling that all through the day, something had been just a little off. One of those - you could taste it but just not put your finger on it -- moments. For a second my revelry broke as I thought I heard something. Like glass striking metal as it slipped over the edge of the rail and yet when I turned to look, only my daughter stood inches from the rail itself.
When I went to move closer; Sophie was still unmoved. Standing by the railing between us and the sea, looking towards the lights of landfall. I heard her sigh, just then a slight breeze picked up and I could see Sophie's lips move but the breeze prevented me from hearing what she had said, as the breeze took her voice and thoughts towards the twinkling lights on the horizon.
"Are you okay little one?" I asked. Worried that she was so close to the edge, regardless of the rail.
Sophie turned her head towards me and a slight chill crept up my spine. A lump came to my throat making it difficult to breath. I knew it was impossible and most would think me insane, yet. With the lights from the cabin illuminating the balcony, for a split second I saw Victoria in my daughter's eyes.
"Daddy, are you ready for the next chapter in your life?"
The pause in my answer was only because I was fighting back the emotional rush and the tears. The breath I took calmed me to a point and my answer came from my thoughts before my mind could temper them for a small child to clearly understand.
"Oh sweetie, there are no chapters, just beginnings and ends." Came my only reply.
Sophie frowned, her mother's frown. I knew it was the closest my little Sophie could come to telling me off. I smiled at her and held out my hand, her own smile then came to her lips as we both walked back into the cabin.
*******
Three days later... Introductions.
Detective Shauna Franklin stood on the dockside. She just knew she should never have gotten out of bed this morning, perhaps if she hadn't her partner would still be alive. She and Rolland Harris had dropped by a convenience store so Rolland could get a soda. She waited in the car and a few minutes later two gunshots rang out. Rolland staggered through the door gun drawn bleeding from the chest. He staggered two more steps and collapse into Shauna's arms. The hospital worked on him for almost an hour before they called time.
They were all stood around the waiting area when the chief surgeon came to give his wife the news. Rolland's wife walked up to her and spat in her face, Shauna never moved. Her sons walking their mother out of the hospital. Rolland's wife screaming at Shauna that she was death incarnate and that everything she touches dies. She had begged Rolland not to be her partner but he wouldn't listen and now he was dead, it was all her fault.
A nurse came over and handed Shauna a tissue, she thanked her and wiped the spit away as she walked to the bathroom and threw up in one of the stalls. Shauna stayed for a few more minutes at the hospital; she was even allowed a final visit to see her late partner.
