(Set in New Zealand)
"Michael John Dobbins, you have been found guilty of urinating in the ornamental fountain pond in front of Balmoral's Courthouse and are hereby convicted on a charge of indecent behaviour and fined $250.00 with Court costs of $310.00."
"Had you committed that oafish act during the hours of darkness I may have merely rebuked you and then discharged you without conviction. But in your arrogant disregard for the finer feelings of citizens passing by, you committed the offence at 12:30 pm on a Friday when the town centre was crowded. Your only explanation was you had consumed 10 or 11 glasses of beer in celebrating your 21st birthday and had the urged to release processed beer. This town would be a happier town without the likes of you Dobbins."
"Stand down."
- - - -
Nine years later Mick Dobbins returned to Balmoral for the first time since shaming his family on that day he appeared in Court and the proceedings were reported under the heading 'Slammed for Disgusting Behaviour' on page 5 of
The Balmoral Beacon
.
Mick hadn't minded frog-faced Judge Mellows hinting that he was a disgrace and the community would be better off without him in its midst. But was mortified an hour later when his mother broke her tight-lipped silence and said Michael had shamed the family and he should go off and never return.
Ten minutes later Mick appeared with two packed suitcases and told his father to sell or dump everything else left behind.
"But what about your beloved road racing bike and huge collection of treasured books?"
"Sell them dad; they are of no use to me in purgatory.'
He shook hands with his white-faced father, shook his head at his self-righteous mother and left. As he drove off his mother ran from the house shouting "Michael, Michael, please write."
Their only child tooted the horn and waved a hand out the driver's window to indicate he'd heard her plea but accelerated away unmoved. He stopped in Currie Street to say goodbye to his girlfriend Melody Burton also home for the mid-term break from her university.
Alas only Mrs Burton appeared at the door. Scowling she said Melody had told her to say she didn't wish to see him again as he'd disgraced his family and embarrassed her as people would associate her with the offender.
"Piss off you idiot and learn how to act like a decent human being," Sylvia Burton said vehemently.
Mick turned on his heels and slunk off, head down.
Driving off with the front windows down and the stereo up loud, his inner peace began developing and he sighed, "You stupid piece of shit Dobbins."
He grinned and realized that at last he was blaming himself and only himself for his minor misdemeanour that had lilted his life off centre - but only slightly. At the end of the day he'd after that unfortunate behavioural outburst he'd bounce back into favour.
Mick was mortified that he'd lost his mother's respect and perhaps even worse he'd been told to forget his parents providing the estimated $40,000 he'd need to complete his degree in architecture.
When stopping for coffee and time to think, Mick removed two used condoms from the dashboard of his mother's former car she'd given him for graduating high school and receiving the Morgan-Allen prize for being the top male student in academics.
He wondered if his mum and that frog-faced judge would condemn him for throwing the condoms on the dashboard two evenings ago when in fact the culprit was drunk Melody Burton who'd twice removed a condom and pleaded with him to drench her um torso but actually she did call them tits.
Mindful that the problem of university funding posed a new challenge, Mick after tossed the condoms in the trash container outside the café and called Melody.
"Hi."
"Mick wish never wish to talk to you again"
Click.
He thought that was performed with clarity and he tried not to sulk.
Mick didn't have to think hard about where to find hospitality including a bed. He drove 180 km to Uncle Jeff's farm.
Jeff was his mother's older brother and those two disliked each other but Mick had spent great summer holidays on the farm as a schoolboy. His mum worked out that placement in her desperation to have him off somewhere else during the long summer days and thus escape his whining that he was bored and had tired of reading comics.
Jeff came from the house grinning and chortled, "Tired of pissing all over town eh? I read about you in the newspaper. You and I are the only ones in our lot to have made the news columns for good or bad reasons. That makes us celebrities."
"Uncle Jeff..."
"Mick call me Jeff now that you are almost twenty-one and ended your youth with a criminal record."
Mick cringed.
"Be proud of your past son and don't let the bastard get you down. As you know from your mother I've been in the slammer a couple of times for not paying Government taxes and two wives and countless girlfriends have walked out on me because I'm such a fucking asshole. Just let others worry about your crimes and your antisocial behaviour - that's the term for it isn't it?"
Mick nodded.
"You know Mick you're a good bloke and the only one in my extended family that doesn't regard me as a piece of shit. Let's get stuck into the booze."
"I-I've decided to never drink beer again."
"Well wine for you; the veteran babes who visit me to get a decent length are always arriving with 6-packs of wine and I have stacks of unopened bottles. I feed the wine they leave opened to the pigs and that's got me the reputation of rearing pigs that produce the best bacon in the district."
"You must have many women calling on you Jeff."
"Well yes and they are trained to call first to make sure I'm not servicing someone else. Sometimes they probably pass on the road when leaving or coming here."
"That must make you proud for being of real service to womanhood."
"What? Oh yeah and you know I admire your smart way of thinking."
Over dinning that night of bacon and black olive pie accompanied by mashed potato and shredded spinach, Jeff asked his nephew how he was progressing at university.
"My marks are good, if that's what you mean and at the end of last year I won the prize the Richmond Tennis and Swimming Club offered our department for designing a three-stage progressive upgrade of its clubrooms and administration centre."
"Christ I remember seeing the realistic-looking sketch in the newspaper; you did that?"
"Yeah it was a CAD-assisted drawing and there was a single column picture of me in the story acknowledging me as the designer."
"You mean architect?"
"No is this country only fully qualified and registered architects can be called architects."
"I'm sorry I missed reading about your involvement. I mainly read headings and look at the large pictures. That must mean you'll probably graduate with honours?"
"Nah I won't be returning for the new semester."
