Memories In Three Quarter Time

Freshly showered and dressed for work, I was just finishing my last cup of coffee when the doorbell ran. It had to be someone selling something because everyone knows that I leave promptly at eight-thirty five. Prepared to drive the person away, I opened the door to find two uniformed policemen standing there looking quite serious. It was obvious that they weren't there to deliver any good news. When they asked if I was Mrs. Graham, I felt a few moments of relief. "I'm sorry," I replied, "but my name is Lisa...Lisa Woodson." They looked rather confused at me and the younger one asked if this was the home of Gerald Graham. "This is the home of Jerry Graham," I replied, and then it hit me. Gerald Graham was his formal name but. I'd never heard it used before.

My knees went weak and I held hard to the door to keep from shaking. They asked what my relationship was and I told them that Jerry and I were engaged to be married. They suggested that it might be better if we talked inside. My hands trembled as I motioned them to chairs and took one as well. It's well that I did, because the older one cleared his throat. "I'm sorry Lisa, Miss Woodson. I'm afraid there has been an accident involving Mr. Graham."

I fell back into the chair and closed my eyes. "How bad was this accident?" I asked, knowing the answer already but it was confirmed by the looks in their eyes.nd told me that there had been an accident. I asked how bad and their eyes told the story I didn't get hysterical, or scream, or anything like that. The darkness that moved over me mercifully took care of that.

When I opened my eyes, I was on the couch with a cool cloth on my forehead. Through the fog in my mind, I could hear one of them trying to talk to me, asking question that I barely heard. I heard myself mumbling but wasn't sure that they even heard me. I think they were worried, because they asked if there was someone they could call and the only name I could mumble was my sister, Linda, who lived about three hours away. He located my phone list and dialed her number while the other one stayed with me.

Though my eyes were open, my mind was still numbed. Each time I would try to focus on them, the blue uniform reminded me of why they were there and my mind would shut down again. I heard the younger one ask Linda if there was someone closer that he could call. He also asked her if I had any health problems that would require an ambulance and then I got dizzy again..

The doorbell rang once more and I heard a familiar voice, but in the state my mind was in, I couldn't put a face with it. Then I realized who it was and I felt my body relax. The worried look that I saw on her face told me that she knew what had happened. Thank God, my boss lived just a few miles from us and his wife had been home when they called. She came to kneel beside me and take me in her arms.

"I'm so sorry Lisa, " she said, sobbing. She told me it was alright to let it go but I couldn't. She got them to pick me up and put me on my bed before they left.. Then she sat beside me and stroked my hair, telling me that she was going to stay right there and that I was not to worry about anything. She told me that Phil, my boss, knew what had happened so he didn't expect me to be there. She tried to get me to talk to her but all I could do was bury my head in my pillow, my tightly clenched hands against my face. She was the poor unfortunate person that was next to me when the tears finally came. She was lying next to me, holding me in her arms as hysteria swept over me and I screamed and sobbed and cursed the world. She calmly held me and let me beat on her shoulders and back as reality of the situation finally arrived. She held me and told me to let it go, and I did. When there were no more tears left, dry sobs wracked my body and I wanted to die, to go with him. Exhausted, and weak, she got me to take two tranquilizers and held me as I slid off into blissful slumber

When I began to wake, it wasn't Sheila's voice that comforted me. I was lying in the arms of my sister and she was softly singing a song to me. Sheila sat next to us and together, they explained that Jerry had been hit broadside by a teenager running from police, driving a stolen car. I could see the car, heard the crash, and screamed a warning to Jerry. Then I felt them both next to me. They assured me that they were both killed instantly and Jerry had felt no pain. No pain at all.

At some point in time, about four hours later, I suddenly remembered Jerry's mom. Linda told me that Jerry's sister, Jeanette had called several times, worried about me so I asked Linda to hand me the phone and I hit the speed dial access number. Jeanette answered the phone and we both sobbed into the phone. "How's Mom doing?" I finally asked. She had insisted that I call her mom from the minute we announced our engagement.

"She's been sedated," she replied, "and the doctor doesn't seem to be concerned about her heart. Are you all right, Lisa?"

"No," I admitted, "but I want to be there with her, with all of you. I can't do anything right now but I'll get there as soon as I can. Wait a minute." Linda whispered to me and I nodded. "Linda's going to bring me up. She doesn't want me to drive for a while. We'll be there this afternoon. Take care of Mom till I get there." I held Linda and kissed her. "Thanks Sis,"

"You need to be there Lisa and they are family. I'll call home and let them know what I'm doing and we can leave right away."

We threw some things into a suitcase and left within the hour. Linda made sure that I was all right and kissed me before she headed for home, another four hours on the road. I wound up spending three days with them. We would sit in the den, or on the deck, drinking blackberry tea and reliving our memories. I don't believe that we even realized how beautiful the fall colors were or how crisp the air was getting. We laid Jerry to rest in the afternoon of the third day. Mom and Dad and Linda came to the funeral and so did Phil and Sheila, although they hadn't known Jerry all that well. They just wanted to be there for me. One thing happened that frightened me to death. The doorbell rang the morning of the funeral and I looked up to see Jerry standing in the door way. My heart stopped and I hit the floor. After a while, I felt a cool cloth on my face and I after I cleared my head, Jeannette introduced her brother, David. He looked so much like Jerry I almost passed out again. He was a year older than Jerry, but the only difference was his hair was darker and he was taller. He was so sweet. He apologized for frightening me and spent the rest of the morning making sure I was all right.

After the funeral, I went home for a few days. I couldn't face going back to the house yet. When I finally did go home, Mom insisted that she go with me and it's a good thing that she did because I couldn't have made it without her. As it was, I spent the better part of two hours, sitting on the floor, wearing his robe, my arms wrapped around his pillow. Mom had the foresight to make me take a tranquilizer before I got home and that saved me from losing my mind. I wandered from room to room, picking up things he had touched, clothes he had worn, things like that. I refused to let Mom wash his coffee cup so she put it in a plastic bag and sealed it. I tried to pack up his things but I couldn't do it and neither could his mother. His sister and father did it while we were away from the house. Part of it went to charity, some went to his brother and sister and some of the things were packed away for me to see later...much later.

Phil wouldn't let me come back to work for a full two weeks so I spent more time at Jerry's folks and at home. Little by little, I began to cope with the emptiness of the house but I couldn't sleep at home without tranquilizers.

When I finally did get to go back to work, I was treated like a fragile bird or something. To protect my sanity, I buried myself in work. Phil said that I did more business in that first week back than I normally did in two. I began to come back to life and started laughing and smiling. That was when Phil decided that I would be all right.

Mom, Linda and Phil all commented that they were concerned by the fact that I couldn't eat much and felt uncomfortable most mornings. I got tired easily and began to take longer to recover. I told them I wasn't sick, I just didn't feel right and it was probably just the shock my body and mind took that was still affecting me. When I finally let them talk me into seeing Dr. Mason, I told him I just felt bloated and achy. Dr.Mason's father delivered me and he was the only doctor that I'd ever had. Phil let me leave work early but told me that he expected to be called as soon as I got home. I promised, and made it to the doctor's office with about five minutes to spare.

He checked me over and had the nurse draw some blood and get a urine sample from me and told me to come back the next evening for a follow up. I sat in his office waiting for him with all kinds of dire possibilities spinning through my mind. He walked in and closed the door and for a few seconds, sat there studying my file. "You're healthy as a horse, Lisa. All of your tests are perfectly normal for a thirty-two year old pregnant woman."

I sat there, stunned at first, and then disbelieving. "That's impossible, Dr. Mason, I've been on the pill religiously since I was fourteen."

"Lisa," he said, "there is no pill that's one hundred percent reliable. Didn't you realize that you missed your period?"

"Of course I did, but it's not the first time and you yourself told me that it can be caused by stress so when Jerry died, I assumed that was the reason."

"I can see where you would think that," he agreed.

I sat there, letting it soak in. "How long?"

. "Well, I'm pretty good at this, so I'm putting your due date down as May 26th."

"Is that pretty accurate?" I asked. "If I miss it by more than two weeks, I'll buy you dinner," he said, "and I never lose."

When I got home, I sat quietly looking at the calendar as I tried to figure out when it cold have happened and then it came to me. After the terrorist attacks in New York, everything had gotten crazy and we were both working extra hours to try to find business that we could write. Most evenings , we didn't see each other until late at night and Jerry always left before I did. Finally, Phil saw that I was worn out and he forced me to leave at three that day. I called Jerry and told him that I needed him at home at six and after he argued that he had things that had to be done, he agreed. I knew he would. He never could say no to me. I had gone home and showered, dabbed on some of his favorite scent, just a drop under each breast and one behind my ears. Then I waited.

When he pulled into the garage, I forced myself to take deep breaths while he closed the door. The instant it touched the floor, I stepped out from behind my car, wearing nothing but a pair of white thongs. His face told me my efforts were going to be rewarded and we came together, our lips locked in hot passion as I pushed his pants and boxers to the floor. He kicked them away and pushed me over to his car. Without breaking contact, he flipped the door open and laid me down on the seat, lifting my knees up over my chest. He took me quickly, but gently at first. I cried out my needs and as I fought to keep my body on the seat, he drove into me faster and harder than I ever remembered. When we were done, I was sore, he was exhausted, but when he picked me up and carried me into the house, we made love again, slowly and beautifully.

Afterwards, I realized that in all of the excitement and confusion, I had forgotten to take my pills for several days after my period. It had to be then that I conceived. I called Linda and Mom right away and after they got past the shock and once I'd convinced them that I was happy to be carrying his baby, they were happy for me. In spite of my protests that it wasn't necessary, Linda said that she was taking a weekend to go shopping with me. Mom spent some time pointing out the problems of raising a baby alone and I finally convinced her that I was never alone. I had too much family and friends to be alone ever again.

My next call was to Phil's house. Sheila answered the phone and I told her that I had promised to call him. When he came on the phone, he feigned anger. "It's almost eight o'clock," he said, "and you promised to call me as soon as you got home."

I let him rant and rave until he stopped talking and then I said, softly, "Hi, Grandpa."

I could hear the air go out of him like a leaking tire. ":Are you sure, Lisa, I mean really sure?"

"I'm sure Phil. You'll be an adopted grandpa about May 26th." "Oh my God oh my God," he kept repeating, "I need to sit down." He handed the phone to Sheila and we talked for quite a while. She was concerned about my health and my ability to care for a baby alone but I assured her that I was keeping this child and that I was happy that I was pregnant.

That night, as I lay in bed, I had a long talk with Jerry. "I know that you are as happy as I am, honey. I wish that you were here to hold me and tell me you loved me." It took a while for the tears to go away, but once I fell asleep, I slept better than I'd slept in weeks.

I decided to wait for the weekend to tell his folks because I wanted to be there when I did it. I won't say that they weren't happy, but like Mom, they were concerned. His mom was really excited that she would have another grandchild to spoil, though. They asked me if I wanted a boy or a girl and I told them that I didn't care. "It would be nice to have a little Jerry," I said, "but I really don't care"

The following weekend, Linda and Jeanette both came to town for what turned out to be a big slumber party. On Saturday, we shopped like women obsessed, then went out to dinner. They wouldn't let me buy much because, as they pointed out, I would have several showers and I should wait until I found out what I still needed. I became closer to both of them that weekend that I ever could have imagined.

I lost some of my brownie points with both families, however, when I decided that I insisted that I didn't want to know the sex of the baby, just that it was healthy and growing properly. I got obsessed with what I ate, and how I exercised. I avoided anyone that smoked around me, and every evening, I sat on my bed, reading to the baby, singing to it, and talking to it. The last thing that I heard every night was soft music, usually classical as I drifted off to sleep.

The girls were right, because I had three big showers and then they both came to town to finish up the odd and ends that I would need. Phil and Sheila pampered me as well, and I ate Dinner with them several times a week. I was bombarded with suggestions and questions as to what I had chosen to name the baby and I honestly told them that I would know when the time was right.

Right from the first, the girls in the office decided that it was their baby too and they brought me things that they made for it, and made such a fuss over me that Phil pretended he was mad. I saw him smile after he told the girls to go back to work though. I was blessed with a fairly easy pregnancy. I had very little actual morning sickness, and while I expected to blow up like a balloon, I didn't even show for such a long time that the people that bought me all those beautiful maternity clothes began to complain. I finally broke down and began wearing them as I went into my eighth month. It was more out of guilt than need because I had found that by wearing loose tops, and oversized skirts, I was fine. I had worried about my lack of expansion to the point of asking Dr. Mason if there was a problem. He had smiled and told me to accept my blessings gracefully. We were both perfectly healthy.

When the baby began to move, visibly, everyone wanted to feel it move or listen to it's little heartbeat. They didn't believe me when I told them that I still didn't want to know the sex of the baby until it was lying on my chest after delivery. Of course, they took bets of what it was and when it would come, etc. etc. I felt like a race horse being handicapped.

I had a spell of false labor alarms late in April, and decided to cut back my schedule at work. Phil said that he needed me so he put in extra phone lines and hooked up a computer so I could work at home as I wanted. I nearly passed out when I found out what it had cost him.

Early in May, Linda moved in with me and it was a blast. Evenings usually found us sitting on the couch, our arms linked together, and her head on my shoulder. We didn't watch much television, preferring instead, to take turns reading to the baby, listening to it's heart pounding away, and either singing to it, or listening to music. The other thing that we did was to talk about it's father and how wonderful he was. As my due date drew near, Mom joined us and Jerry's mom was sad that she couldn't be there too. Jeanette moved in about the middle of the month to represent Jerry's family. We had so much fun together.

Very early in the morning of the 28th of May, I woke to a soaking wet bed. Everyone went into hyperdrive, and I was in the labor suite by eight in the morning. It wasn't an easy delivery, and I'm sure that no one will ever forget the names that I called them or the profanity that filled the room at times. It made me so angry that they would sit there and laugh at me. The angrier I got, the more they laughed.

At four twenty-eight in the afternoon, I delivered a very healthy, eight pound, five ounce boy. Jerry's mother had gotten there just an hour before I delivered so she got to witness the whole thing, including the screams. God, that child felt like a small pony.

Once they had him cleaned up and weighed, they gave him a quick checkup and wrapped him in a blue blanket. I almost cried when they brought him to me. I nestled him in my arm and kissed his soft, pink head. "He's so beautiful," they all said, but I already knew he would be. His father was a beautiful man. Jeanette told me that he had my eyes and Jerry's mouth. The nurse came in and asked me if I had decided on a name. I looked at him and brushed my fingers softly over his spare blond hair. "Derrick Scott Graham," I replied, without a moments hesitation. Jerry's mother threw her hands to her face and I thought she was going to pass out. Jeanette grabbed her quickly and made her sit down.

"Are you all right, Mom?" she asked. She nodded and put her head down as tears poured from her eyes. I was the only one in the room that knew why.

"How did you know?" she finally asked.

"Jerry told me, night before last,"

"But how, I mean..." she stammered.

" He told me that it was the name that you had chosen for his brother that didn't live. It was his wish that we honor him this way and I think it's perfect."

"Lisa, that's just silly," Mom said, but Jerry's mother held up her hand and shook her head.

"I believe her," she said. "I have to. There is no other way that she could have known. I've never told anyone, not even my Jerry. I don' t know how he found out, but that's the only way she would know.:" Jeanette sat there, dumbstruck, not sure of what we were talking about. . His mom came to my bed and kissed both Derrick and myself. "Thank you Lisa, thank you so much."

"Don't cry Mom," I told her, "There was never a doubt that he would be a Graham to start with and I love the name. You chose it for him and Jerry's smiling right now, I know he is."

After Jeanette and his mother had left, Mom and Linda and I chatted and I asked Mom if she was all right with his name. "Of course I am, darling. It was a sweet thing for you to do and it's a beautiful name. Tell me the truth though Lisa, were you telling the truth about talking to Jerry?"