Mar & Sue After Beth & Don

Dedicated to those who have buried a spouse

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Donald R. Anderson, age 47, died Monday after a year-long battle with cancer...

Oh, no! Not Don!

He is survived by his wife, Susan K. Anderson...

Don & Sue. High school friends. Of Beth's, too.

We were all in the same high school class, then stayed home and went to the state university. Graduated together there, as well.

That same year, Don & Sue married. Beth and I were there at the wedding, engaged to be married two months later.

We remained close for a number of years. Eventually our children's sports sucked up the available time. We tried to stay in touch as much as possible, not always succeeding.

When Beth died, Don and Sue came to the funeral and offered their sympathies afterwards.

I will now attend Don's funeral. Without Beth, of course.

Two of the four of us are gone.

------[]---[]------

After the funeral, I waited two weeks.

"Sue, hi, it's Mark."

"Oh, Mark! Thank you for coming to the funeral. I saw you there and cried. I mean in addition to all the other crying."

"I'm so sorry, but I didn't know Don was sick. I would have liked to have spent time with him."

"That was his choice. No attention. Life as normal."

"I understand that. I called because I know how difficult it probably got this week. Worse than the week after Don's death. Worse than the week after the funeral."

"You get it, don't you?"

"I wanted to see if I could visit you. Give you a chance to talk and to cry. Just be a friend. I needed that after Beth. You probably do as well."

"Please come, Mark. I appreciate it. I hope you don't mind if just put my head on your shoulder and sob."

"I'll bring a towel!"

------[]---[]------

Sue sat with me, her head on my shoulder. She was crying. I was listening, my arm around her.

"How did you get through this? I mean the loneliness. Everywhere I turn I am reminded of Don. Memories surround me. I keep expecting him to walk through the door. I can even hear his voice, calling to me when I walk in the door. How, Mark?"

"I know this will sound hollow, but things do get better. It takes time."

"You seem to be doing so well. How?"

"It's been five years. The first year was hard. It was almost nine months before I could get rid of her clothes. I still have two of her favorite blouses. Can you imagine?"

"That's kind of sweet, Mark."

"The point is, you'll face challenges, but I think I can help a little. I discovered later than I should have that I needed to get out of the house. People tell you not to make major decisions, but they don't tell you what to do instead.

"I sat at home surrounded by memories. Reminders of Beth. Something as silly as a cup full of pens and pencils from her desk. No use to me, except to torment me."

"I feel that already. I'm just sitting here. I exist on a daily basis. Sometimes hourly."

"Sue, I want to be careful with your feelings. I'm not trying to swoop in and take over your life. Please tell me if you need space."

"I welcome an old friend. We've known each other since we were what... 15?"

"I think the way I can help you the most is to think of things we could do, once a week maybe. Things that get you out of the house. Get your mind on things other than your loss. I could have used that long before I self-diagnosed the problem. I didn't have anyone who understood what I needed to get through this."

"I feel so shaky. Always on the verge of tears."

"I know. I was, too."

"You?"

"No one is prepared for this. I wasn't. You weren't. No shame there,"

"What kind of activity, Mark?"

"Hopefully I can think of things you enjoy! Here are some ideas, off the top of my head:

"We could visit the art museum, have a picnic in the city park, or go to the lake and rent a rowboat.

"I'm just thinking out loud. Sue, you can rescue me at any time."

She was laughing. "I think those are great ideas to start with. We can think of more together. Let's start with a picnic in the park. Do you have time tomorrow?"

"One of the advantages of owning a business and having a fabulous operations guy!"

"I really appreciate this, Mark."

------[]---[]------

We agreed I would pick her up and she would prepare a picnic basket. I figured that was one more activity to keep her mind busy.

"Hi Mark! I've been looking forward to this. I hope you like the lunch I made. I tried to be a little more creative than bologna sandwiches!"

"But those are my favorite!"

"Really?" She looked horrified, thinking she had offended me!

"Just kidding. I'm not even sure how many years it has been since I had a bologna sandwich. I was probably about 10 years old."

"Oh, good. You had me worried!"

------[]---[]------

I asked Sue to pick a spot in the park. The more she does, the better.

"I hope you like this. I printed menus."

"What? You printed menus?"

FIRST COURSE: broccoli and cauliflower spears with homemade dill dip.

"Ok, you have already broken my record for the best picnic ever."

------[]---[]------

SECOND COURSE: A selection of cheeses and crackers.

"You are setting the bar very high!"

"Sort of. My way of saying thanks."

"For what?"

"For being there--here--for me. A friend I need."

Her eyes filled with tears.

"That's ok. You are still permitted to cry. Grief doesn't hit us once and leave. It circles around and comes from another direction. It gets frustrating. Just when you think you have your shit together, something stupid sets you off. Forgive yourself for that."

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THIRD COURSE: Sandwiches on marble rye, filled with sliced turkey, sliced ham, jack cheese with jalapeno, thinly sliced pickles, spicy mayo.

"That is one of the best sandwiches I have ever had. Do you make them this way often?"

"Kinda the opposite. I sat around trying to remember things you liked. I remembered turkey and ham on rye bread. I winged it from there."

"Well, kudos on your ad lib production. These are so good!"

"I'm glad."

------[]---[]------

FOURTH COURSE: A Twix candy bar

"You remembered! I can't believe after all these years you knew about my love of Twix bars!"

"Tiny confession. I read through our yearbook from our senior year of high school. There were comments printed about each person from a friend. Someone said you were known for loving Twix bars."

"Who was it?"

"Beth."

Even after five years, grief came at me from an unexpected direction. My eyes filled with tears.

"Oh, Mark! I am so sorry! I should have said I didn't know who it was. I wasn't careful enough."

"It's ok. See, it still happens."

Sue put her arm around me and kissed me on the cheek.

------[]---[]------

"That was one the greatest picnics ever for me! Thank you for your hard work."

"I had so much fun doing it. Thanks for the idea. What will we do next week?"

"Did you like any of my other ideas?"

"There is one I love, but I want to wait for when the time is right."

"That's a little cryptic."

"That's a woman's prerogative."

"Do you have another idea, Sue?"

"Yes."

"Care to share?"

"Pick me up at the same time next week. You'll find out."

------[]---[]------

I reflected on our picnic. Sue invested a lot of time and thought into making it a smashing success. That's a positive result. Even better than I had hoped. She spent a lot of time thinking of something other than her grief.

------[]---[]------

The day before our next outing, my doorbell rang. It was Sue.

"You need to know the schedule tomorrow will be a little different."

With that she handed me a ticket. I examined it. "The Mt. Angel Copper Mine Railroad."

The railroad is one of those historic lines, put back into service complete with an old steam engine and vintage domed railroad cars. These tickets are not cheap!

"Sue, I didn't intend for you to spend a lot of money!"

"It's ok. I just got the settlement check on Don's life insurance. Smart man. He bought a $2 million policy about 10 years ago. I'm so grateful, although I complained at the time. I thought it was too expensive. Needless to say, I don't feel that way now!"

"That's both wonderful news and a reminder of what a good husband he was. He truly loved you!"

"I remember him with gratitude. Perhaps more than with grief. It's a reminder of his love for me. The point is Mark, I need you to pick me up at 5 am, so we can make the drive to the train on time."

"Perfect. No traffic at 5 am!"

------[]---[]------

The train ride was so much fun! The scenery was spectacular. The route followed a whitewater river for about 20 miles, then climbed over a saddle between mountains and descended into a hidden valley, untouched by anything other than the railroad. Then it ran up a mountainside to the mine.

There was a road up there as well, but it climbed up from the other side. The train was the only way to see that valley, other than on foot or horseback. It was wild and pristine.

Sue was so excited about this trip. We spent a little time shopping in the tourist stores. She found a refrigerator magnet with the steam engine on it. I bought it for her.

There was one of those old photo booths where you sit and it takes 5 photos and processes them. Sue insisted, laughing as she grabbed my hand and pulled me in.

She sat on my lap and we posed normally for the first two, then made faces on two. On the fifth, she kissed my cheek. Duly recorded on the photo. Sue pronounced

that one her favorite.

"This goes on my refrigerator! Under the magnet."

I wasn't sure how I felt about that. What would her children think?

On the return train ride. Sue put her head on my shoulder. I put my arm around her. She slept. Her hand on my chest.

I sat and reflected on other days many years ago, when I held her close to me.

------[]---[]------

I called Sue after a couple of days to thank her for the train ride. I meant it. That was an amazing, unforgettable experience.

I asked whether she wanted to see a football game at the university.

"I would like that, but I have two conditions. You wear your old letterman's jacket, and I wear my cheerleader sweater."

"I haven't tried that on in years!"

"I'm certain it still fits. You probably weigh less than your playing weight."

There was no question Sue could still wear her sweater! She could probably still compete for a cheerleader spot! She was that gorgeous and fit!

I bought the tickets. I had to pull a few strings, but being a former star player has some advantages, even though I had never before tried to use them. The past was the past, but it just paid off. I pulled one more string, as well.

------[]---[]------

Game day!

Sue was surprised when we were greeted after entering the gate and shown directly to our seats in the VIP section. Front and center. Midfield. Right behind our team's bench.

"How did you score these?"

"You'll see. I hope you don't hate me!"

"What? Why?"

"You'll see. Just enjoy the game."

We were leading by two touchdowns at the half. I knew what was coming.

"Listen up, Sue, Listen to the announcer."

HALFTIME ANNOUNCER: "And now, we direct your attention to our VIP section, located behind your team's sideline. We have a special guest today, a former star running back. I present the alumnus of the day, "Mark Knowles!"

[cheers of the crowd]

I stood and waved.

"And accompanying Mark today is another star, former cheerleader, elected captain her senior year, Sue Anderson, who was Sue Knight while a student here."

[Sue looked at me and slowly stood, waving to the crowd's cheers]

"So that's how you got these tickets!"

"I tried pulling strings, but there was something attached to each of them. Sorry."

Sue kissed my cheek.

"No need to be sorry. It's kind of fun to think about those days and be remembered."

Sue took my hand. She didn't let go for the remainder of the game and all the way to the car.

"I had so much fun today. I have to say, you look handsome in your letterman's jacket."

She kissed me on the cheek.

"Well, that cheerleader sweater shows off your body just the way it did 25 years ago. How have you managed that, after two children?"

"Oh, you know. Good genes. Plus, a husband who could afford a gym membership for me!"

We both laughed.

"I figured you had put in some work to get that figure back after Hannah and Megan."

"Don appreciated my figure, too. I had to go on birth control quickly after Megan!!" She blushed. "Maybe that was TMI! Sorry, Mark!"

"No worries. It's life. Genuine. Beth was my motivation to stay in shape."

"What's your motivation now, Mark?"

"I should claim the 5th Amendment. No self-incrimination."

------[]---[]------

In telling this story, I have not been entirely truthful. With you or with Sue.

In high school I was in love with Sue. We started dating in college. We were in love. Then just after the start of the football season--my senior season--she fell in love with Don. When it became clear they were likely going to marry, I asked Beth out and fell in love with her. We had a great life together.

When I read about Don dying, I wanted to see Sue. I wanted a reason to see her that wouldn't threaten her, so I came up with the idea of these weekly outings. My true motive: I wanted to pursue her. A long game.

Are you disappointed to learn I am no knight in shining armor? I know, 'Knight' was Sue's maiden name. A poor effort at a pun. Still, please don't tell her about my secret!

------[]---[]------

We kept coming up with fun ideas for the next four weeks. We never missed a week.

I mentioned my original idea about a rowboat on the lake. She said she loved the idea, but that was the one she wanted to reserve for a special outing.

After the fourth week, Sue brought up the rowboat idea again.

"Mark, I would like to do that rowboat thing with you now, before colder weather sets in."

We were having a long "Indian summer," as they were once called. Daytime temps in the 70s. Lots of sunshine. Fall colors. Perfect weather!

"I'll reserve a boat. This Saturday?"

"Perfect. I'll bring a picnic basket, and we can have lunch on the lake."

------[]---[]------

It was a beautiful day, a few white, fleecy clouds set against a blue sky. I was rowing slowly, looking at Sue. She was looking around, enjoying the scenery. Her eyes met mine. She smiled.

"Are you hungry, Mark?"

"Are you?"

"Yeah. Let's eat. Can you just ship your oars?"

The rowboat rocked gently.

Sue got out her picnic basket. She had a printed menu.

FIRST COURSE: Sue's turn to come clean.

I looked at her, shaking my head. Like, 'What the hell?'"

"Mark. I have a secret I have hidden away for a long time. You and I have known each other since we were 15 years old. We dated a little in high school. I was totally, head over heels, smitten with you. Was it love? Maybe. Probably.

"Then we dated in college. You were playing football, obviously a star. I was a cheerleader. We were quite a couple. I loved you. You loved me. If you had asked me to marry you, I would have accepted. But it was football season. Your senior season. You were focused on what you needed to be.

"I met Don during the team's summer camp. He swept me off my feet. He proposed and I accepted. But Mark, I never forgot my love for you.

"One week before he died, Don told me to go find you. He knew how you cared for Beth, gave her a great life. He knew of my feelings for you and that you would care for me as he wanted."

SECOND COURSE: Mark's turn to come clean.

"Sue, I don't know what to say. I'm blown away by what you've told me.

"I guess I need to start with Don's death. I knew what you would be going through. I wanted to help; I really did. But there was another side, another motivation. When you love someone, even if you marry someone else, that person reserves a place in your heart. I guess I wanted to get my oar in the water before anyone else. Is that why you chose rowing today?"

"When you mentioned a rowboat, that very analogy came to mind. Getting your oar in the water. I knew you wanted to help, but I also knew of your love for me. Don't get me wrong, I wanted that. So did Don. I was thrilled when you called. It was what Don wanted. Otherwise, I might have had to call you."

THIRD COURSE: Where are we now?

Sue didn't speak. She stood carefully and moved to sit next to me. She held my hand. She leaned against me, and I took the hint. I put my arm around her.

We sat quietly. Out in the middle of that lake. The rowboat gently rocking.

"I love

you,

Mark."

"I love you, too!"

We kissed. A gentle, brief, appropriate kiss. One that would be appropriate anywhere, in front of anyone.

The next kiss was not like that. Not at all. It was long, wet, deep, and sloppy. Our tongues got reacquainted after more than 25 years. I even caressed Sue's breast. She moaned into our kiss.

"Mark, there is a fourth course. It may not be what you are expecting. after that kiss!"

FOURTH COURSE: Sandwiches on marble rye, filled with sliced turkey, ham, jack cheese with jalapeno, thinly sliced pickles, spicy mayo.

She laughed. "I

had

promised food, after all! I figured your favorite sandwich was a safe choice."

We sat and ate our sandwiches. Our eyes kept meeting. We were like a couple of goofy teenagers. Each time our eyes met we smiled.

When we finished, Sue spoke:

"For this picnic there is a special fifth course."

FIFTH COURSE: Dessert - Sue filled by Mark.

"You and I will share this dessert at a time of your choosing. I hope it is soon and you'll ask me to stay the night."

"Sue, let's stop by your house first, then I think you and I should share this dessert tonight, and with you staying the night, share it several times."

We kissed again. Another marathon kiss!

I think I set some sort of speed rowing record!

------[]---[]------

We kissed in the car in her driveway and again when she came back with her overnight bag. We made it into my house, but only barely, before I pushed Sue against the closed door and kissed her until we were both out of breath.

We laughed together.

"Mark, I brought some things I bought last week that I want to wear to bed with you. Show me to our bedroom so I can get ready for you."

"Wait! So we're not having dessert?"

She was laughing. "We are, it's just that one way or another, I will end up with all the cream! Mark, I am really nervous! We were lovers all those years ago, but my body is no longer 20 something. I've had two kids. i have some stretch marks. I hope you understand."

"We've done so many fun things together the past few weeks! I'm in love with the same sweet girl I first loved in high school. Besides, haven't you been a little amazed at the torrid kissing today? Where there's heat, there's fire!"

"Thanks for reassuring me! What are you wearing to bed?"

"Would you like to pick from what I have to choose from?"

I got out a variety of briefs and boxers. Sue zeroed in on a pair of black silk boxers.

"I'm going to have fun playing with you in those!"

"Do I get to see what you are wearing?"

"Sure! In about 30 minutes!"

That's the way I prefer it. When Sue emerged from the bathroom, wow! She was wearing a white teddy. It was sheer and had tiny straps on her shoulders and a deep plunge neckline that barely covered her nipples, leaving the inner sides of her breasts bare. It didn't matter that the rest of her breasts were covered; the sheer material revealed them! Also on display: a tiny landing strip!