****Sensitive subject matter. I know this is a spoiler, but please don't read if you are sensitive to miscarriages*****
***FLASHBLACK***
~2 years prior~
I finally felt like I was getting my shit together. My maternal aunt Patricia was a big part of that. I felt more freedom and independence in the three weeks living with her than I ever felt living with my dad. She helped me purchase my first vehicle- A midnight blue Jetta I named Lady Kitana. I always loved her character on Mortal Kombat. She's fierce and sexy. A complete bad ass ninja, with a mix of seduction and violence. That was enough to make me wanna be like her growing up. Her story line told of how she spent centuries serving as an assassin to an evil Emperor stepfather. She eventually learned that she was kidnapped and was actually a princess. Her whole life had been a lie. I related to her story more than ever now and I felt like the name was perfect for my first huge step in being completely independent from my dad and brother.
I was looking at apartments too. My aunt told me I was free to stay with her as long as I liked. I appreciated it but I didn't feel comfortable at her home. My mother was a huge elephant in the room that no one wanted to address. I figured when I had my own place, I would feel better questioning my past. Until then, it was extremely awkward. Not to say Patricia didn't make me feel welcomed. She did. She introduced me to extended family, was teaching me how to cook and I didn't have to sneak food in my room.
I slowed down on the junk and increased my workouts. My body thanked me profusely. The nausea faded away. I still ate way too many fruit snacks. They reminded me of Ethan and the sweet times we shared together. I knew in order to truly start my life anew, I had to let him go. I just needed to get on my own two feet first. One night, I laid in bed, munching on gummy bears when my stomach began to cramp. I took it as a sign to put the candy away. I curled up on my side and the discomfort faded. I slept a dream-less sleep that night.
When I woke up, it was to more cramps and wetness between my legs. I kicked off my covers and saw there was blood on my shorts. I looked down at the red stain, trying to remember my last period. I had some spotting, but not anything this heavy since I moved to California...
...With that thought, it all clicked to me. The nausea, the vomiting, the cramping, the last time I saw Ethan. My heart dropped all the way to my stomach, increasing the dull ache in my abdomen as it all came back to me. The realization of what was happening crashed down on me and I screamed. A blood-curdling noise that sounded foreign to my own ears. The despair, anger, and guilt all erupted outside of me. I bawled and yammered as I pushed the sheets away from me.
"Oh No! This can't be happening! Please not my baby! Please no!"
That was how my aunt found me; pleading and crying for the child I didn't know I was carrying. The rest was a blur. Patricia got me up, forced me to put on pants and a shirt and got me in the car. I remembered her praying out loud as she drove us to the hospital and that soothed me. I haven't been to church since chapel in college but I always felt that even if the bible wasn't real, it was a good way to live your life. Her words brought me comfort. I cradled myself protectively, trying to pray for my baby even though something inside me knew it was too late.
In the labor and delivery unit, they did an ultrasound. The technician's face stayed neutral, but I knew what she wouldn't disclose. The doctor used the term complete miscarriage and the despair, anger, and guilt hit me all over again. While he explained how I might still experience pregnancy symptoms, silent tears streamed down my face. I was so stupid and selfish. I was so caught up in my hurt, I missed all the obvious pregnancy symptoms. And now my baby was gone. Our baby was gone...
By the time I got discharged and went back home, I was drained. I'd never been so exhausted in my life. Patricia must have told her daughter Bianca, because she changed the sheets on my bed and asked me if I needed anything. I shook my head and climbed into bed. I figured I would fall asleep right away but I stayed awake thinking about all the things I did wrong. The caffeine, the junk food, the alcohol, the obsessive working, the lack of sleep; everything I did to hurt my body; To hurt my baby. I was inconsolable that entire day.
My aunt came in around 12pm with soup, toast and tea.
"Try to eat."
"I'm not hungry." I sobbed.
"I know but you still need to eat. Your body just went through something traumatic. You know that. You need your strength." She said.
I sat up and sipped the tea. I didn't care about my strength. I just wanted her to leave. I figured if I ate, she would go away.
"Liliana, is there someone I can call?" She asked.
I shook my head. Not my dad. Not my brother. Not Trevor. Not Rocky. And definitely not Ethan...
The thought of him brought more tears to my eyes. I was bombarded with questions in my head. Should I tell him? Would he even want to know? Would he have wanted our baby? Could he ever forgive me?
"Ok, pumpkin. Just eat and I'll let you rest." She said.
I spooned the chicken noddle soup into my mouth. It tasted slimy and soggy. Afterwards, I shoved dry, salty crackers down my throat. I drank the tea to wash it down. When I finished, she took the dishes and left. The rest of the day Patricia waited on me. I don't think I went an hour without her checking in on me. The thoughts became too much, and I asked for something to help me sleep. She returned with Tylenol PM. I took 2 and was finally able to sleep.
The next day, I was supposed to be at work. I got up and got ready like normal. My aunt was surprised to see me up and getting dressed.
"Lily, are you sure you're ready?" She asked me.
I nodded. "I can't stay in here forever."
"I know that but we should talk." Patricia stated.
"About what? We both know what happened. Isn't it God's will or something?" I said, aloof.
"No." She shook her head. I looked at her, surprised.
"God never intended for us to feel pain, get sick or die. Men's sin caused that so no, it's not God's will." She explained
"Well, regardless, staying home from work won't change things. I need to go." I said.
Patricia nodded and left me to get ready. I went to work numb, the whole entire day. I focused on my patients. I worked through my lunch. I went to Patricia's home and pretended like everything was normal. It wasn't until the fourth day that my façade shattered. I was driving through my aunt's neighborhood, heading to work and I saw a woman, walking her dog. She was noticeably pregnant with a big baby bump under her tank.
All those emotions I tried to push away overwhelmed me. I knew I couldn't go to work. I couldn't fake it that day. Tears already blurred my vision. I couldn't bear going back to that house, to that bed, to Bianca and Patricia's worried glances. I kept driving until I reached my father's house. I pulled up in the drive way. I hadn't even reached the door when my dad opened it. He just looked at me, worriedly.
"I'm sorry. You were right. I have an eating disorder. I don't need a doctor. I just need time to work it out. Please." I begged him.
He nodded and let me in the house. He arranged everything. He got me 2 weeks off work. I don't know how he did it, but I was grateful for his overbearing attitude. I convinced him my 'eating disorder' was brought on by finding out about my mom. I didn't have to think about anything. My dad took care of everything, except explaining to my aunt. I just wrote her a note, telling her thank you, but it was too hard for me living with her. My dad assumed that it was because of my mom. I agreed and he made sure my aunt got the note when he arranged for my thing to be brought back to the house. My aunt called me. She didn't bring up the miscarriage. She only told me that she was there if I needed her.
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***PRESENT***
"I was pregnant..." I cried. I never talked to anyone about my miscarriage until now. It was the first time I said that out loud and the gravity of the words crushed me. "I didn't even know until I lost my baby." I broke down in gut wrenching sobs. All the pain and grief and guilt rushed back to me. My knees buckled and Jake's arms around me were the only thing keeping me up.
I buried my head into Jake's chest, crying all over his shirt, but I was way too emotional to stop.
"Does he know?" Jake asked, softly stroking my hair.
I shook my head. vehemently. "No. I don't want him to know. He doesn't need to know. Please don't tell him. Please." I sobbed trembling.
"I won't tell. Anything you tell me is between us, Cariño." Jake said, holding me tighter.
He took me to his bedroom and laid us on his bed. He held me until my sobs subsided. Exhausted, I drifted to sleep as he held me, locked in his arms. I woke up a couple hours later. The bedroom was dark and I was lying on Jake's chest. I slid off and looked at him.
"Hey Cariño. Go back to sleep." He said, pulling me back into his arms. I resisted and sat up.
"I'm gonna head out. My brother's probably worried. I'm sure my phone is dead by now." I answered.
"It was. It's charging right now. Your brother was calling-"
I winced.
"I sent him a text from your phone that I was going to take you to the airport. We're closer anyway." Jake explained.
I nodded. "Thanks."
"Do you need anything? Something to drink? Eat?" Jake asked concerned. I shook my head.
He laid us back down. This time, instead of laying in his arms, I turned my back to him.
He wrapped his arms around me anyway.
"Lily-" he started.
