Chapter 1 -- Shannon
"Morning, Lila!" calls Alice, my morning nurse, a somewhat rude, unfriendly elderly woman, awaking me from a beautiful dream.
I open my eyes slowly. Alice knocks back my blanket. I'm almost naked underneath. My arms have pushed up the nightgown, and one of my breasts is visible. And of course, no one can ignore my diaper. I feel ashamed. I drooled all over again during the night. My head has turned to the side, and my mouth is wide open. My nightgown and the towel that the evening nurse put under my cheek are wet. And my diaper is full. I woke up in the night and had a need for the loo, but I cannot do that, get up and go to the bathroom, and I cannot call for someone, press a call button, or make myself noticed in any other way.
I'm living with my stepmother since my father passed away a few years ago. To be more precise, I'm in a daycare during the day and I only sleep at my stepmother's. She likes each and every penny she gets for my care on the night shift, but she doesn't like to get up periodically and check on me. Now Alice has to wipe my butt and clean me, working on me distantly and professionally as always.
"Did we have a good night?" asks Alice, sliding her hand into my diaper. She knows that I cannot speak and does not expect an answer. The only sound I can produce is 'Uhh'. She fumbles around briefly, including between my legs, and states, "A wet night!"
Alice is doing my morning routine fast and silently, as every time. Take off my pajamas, put me on the nursing table, strap my arms and legs so that I do not fall down, take off my diaper, and wipe me. As always, Alice wrinkles her nose while smelling the open diaper, and as always, I feel ashamed to be that helpless lying in a full diaper. And I get annoyed with Alice. Why is she always so rude? Yes, the diaper is full and smells, of course, but I cannot help it. I'm just that helpless. Fortunately, I only need a diaper at night. During the day, there is always someone with me, and I can use my talker to call for help. Alice puts me in a plastic wheelchair, straps down my arms and legs, straightens my head and finally closes my mouth. Now she can take me to the shower and wash me. Back on the nursing table, she dresses me, putting an ugly T-shirt and some old baggy track pants on me. At least she puts thick brown socks on my badly twisted feet and sits me in my everyday wheelchair.
I have severe cerebral palsy, and I really can not do anything on my own; my arms and legs are always moving, fidgeting, and kicking. I can not stop the involuntary movements or control them somehow. My hands are always bent inward and clenched into fists. My hands are useless, but it does not matter as I cannot move my arms anyway. I can not use my feet either; they are badly twisted inwards and my toes are cramped over each other. I will never be able to stand on my feet. My cerebral palsy affects more or less all of my muscles. It is hard work for me to open or close my mouth. Sometimes I cannot keep my head up; it likes to tilt forward and turn to the left, and except for 'Uhh', I cannot speak either.
I am always in a wheelchair, except for the night in my bed. My wheelchair is adapted for my special needs. There are padded supports with wide Velcro straps to fix my arms and legs. The backrest is a padded half-shell that completely encloses my back and keeps it straight, with support under my shoulders, so that I can sit upright. The headrest has a small padded brace on the left side that encloses my head up to my forehead and prevents my head from tipping forward or turning to the left. And there is a safety belt across my hips and an X-belt across my shoulders and hips that fixes my upper body into the backrest. I cannot move this way, but I also can not fall out of my chair either. I do not feel trapped or confined in my wheelchair. On the contrary, my wheelchair secures and protects me. My arms can not fidget, knock something over, or hit my hands against something. In the same way, my legs cannot flail about and my feet cannot kick anywhere. I'm safe in my wheelchair and I cannot hurt myself. And my talker is mounted just in front of me, where I can easily operate it with my eyes. A camera captures my gaze and places the mouse pointer and I click with the blink of one eye. My talker is my window into the world. It is my voice, and except for 'Uhh', it is the only way for me to speak. It operates my wheelchair too, my computer, the TV, and the smart home system. My wheelchair is not a prison for me. On the contrary, my wheelchair means freedom for me and lets me participate. My wheelchair is my home and my gateway to the world.
Alice fastens my arms and legs, straps me in, and ties a bib around my neck to catch the spittle that runs out of my mouth sometimes. Then she turns everything on and I'm ready.
"Let's go!" says Alice, this time even with a smile.
"Thank you, Alice," I reply with my monotonous artificial voice.
"Are you excited about tonight?" asks Alice as she tidies my room.
"Tonight?"
"You are getting a new afternoon nurse."
Crap, I have not thought about that at all. I'm afraid that Lisa will leave me. Lisa is my dearest caregiver. She is the only one who understands me and sees the human in me, not just an anonymous client. She knows my needs, knows everything about me, what I like to eat and drink, what I read and what I like to watch on TV. And she also knows what I like before I sleep. Lisa is the only person I trust enough to talk about my sexual needs. Lisa sometimes helps me and sticks a vibrator in me when she puts me to bed. She leaves me alone then, the vibrator is on, and I let it happen. Of course, I cannot hold the vibrator or move it inside me in any way, and eventually it just slips out, but if I'm lucky, it was long enough for me. Lisa then stays longer and waits for me until she removes the vibrator, cleans me, and puts a new diaper on me. My stepmother is only fine if Lisa leaves later, and Alice should not notice anything the next morning either. I have no idea what to do without Lisa. As severely disabled as I am, I will probably never experience real sex. I know for sure that the vibrator is my only option for sexual satisfaction and that I will always need someone to help me with it.
"Her name is Shannon. Seems to be a nice girl," Alice said, trying to reassure me.
"I'm sure she is nice," I say with a forced smile.
Alice leaves me alone with my TV and my emails.
The morning goes on as usual, with little variety and little excitement. I can hardly wait. I'm excited, and suddenly I have butterflies in my stomach. What will she be like? Shannon sounds like a young name, so maybe she is at my age. I tried to find out what happened to Lisa, but did not get any answers. I miss her already, but I also think about Shannon all the time.
After lunch, the head nurse of the daycare meets me in the lounge and asks me to follow her.
"I want you to meet Shannon."
Shannon is waiting in the lounge, smiling at me with an open and friendly smile. She is actually about my age and has a friendly, warm face. Her long brown hair is tied back in a ponytail. She has beautiful, long, straight legs, and her airy dress gives a hint of a slim, feminine body. I'm excited, and I like her at once. I'm trying to smile back as best I can, but I'm sure it looks terrible. Hopefully, there will be no spittle running out of my mouth and dripping down my chin right now. But I guess I'm not looking that bad as Shannon is smiling at me kindly and warmly.
"Lila, this is Shannon, your new afternoon nurse. She is responsible for your afternoon activities, and she will feed you at dinner. You will spend the evening together, Shannon will take you home, she will get you ready for the night and put you to bed. Shannon, this is Lila."
"Hello Lila!"
Shannon stands up and takes my twisted hands. Shannon's hands feels soft and smooth, a delicate touch, but firm too. Another plus for her.
"I'll leave you now. Shannon is a trained nurse, of course, and knows what to do without individual training for your needs. Use the evening now to get acquainted with each other."
When we are alone, I have my talker say, "Nice to meet you, Shannon."
