It was dark; totally without light of any kind, I could not see anything not even the hand in front of my face, if even I had a hand. I was awake and aware but could not feel anything. Was I alive, I don't know, how does one judge that in the absence of all senses. How long have I been here, a few minutes, a few hours, a few weeks, I really didn't know. I was not frightened, lonely or happy, I did have my memories.
I had the memories of you; of holding you in my arms, being lost in your eyes, kissing your sweet lips and your body from top to bottom. I smiled, or at least I thought I did. Then suddenly I felt the loss of you and I have never felt that empty in all my life. Was I to spend the rest of..., the rest of eternity longing for you?
Do I look at what I no longer have or do I remember what I had with you. My choice, heaven or hell? I had with you the happiest time of my life. I remember seeing you for the first time, your eyes stole my spirit pulling it right out of my body to dance with yours. I was dumbstruck by everything about you, once again a bumbling teenage, at my age it was ridiculous and embarrassing. But you knew and you said later that is what brought you closer to me, made you bold to take what you wanted..., and needed.
My life with you was like a miracle told in biblical proportions; words like huge, unbounded, never ending, angelic, heaven on earth..., in all my years before you they were just words, but you, you made them take life and breathe. Thousands of times we must have kissed, but each kiss was a new adventure, a new taste, a new hope. Yes, I can take on an eternity just based upon memories of your lips. You! You..., you..., you, what you did to me, for me; eternity is not enough time to give you the thanks that you deserve.
Something is different now. I can't describe what is different or how I know something is different, but nevertheless it is! I see something, a little tiny dot of light; like a small star, light years away that must have been dead for centuries yet its light continues to travel without anything behind it to find me. Well the light is not important enough to pull me away from my thoughts of you.
At your side I saw the world as beautiful; what man has done to it, to each other I could no longer see, it did not go away but you taught me to see the beauty that remained. You taught me that organized religion was nothing but lies created by men to control others, but you gave me hope through the love of a Goddess that love could not be controlled by anyone or anything. You taught me love, and so many other things that my second childhood was truly like being born again. I miss you so, so many things still left unsaid but I tried my best, and you knew that I loved you like no other before you. I want to cry but again it is my choice heaven or hell.
I remember you in bed, so beautiful, so radiant. You were ageless; you were a siren of old calling out to sailors about delights that set their souls on fire making them willing to risk their lives on the rocks to reach you, but you were no danger to me. And the delights, sweet Goddess, they were beyond anything that I knew of, I never knew such love existed. And you, you taught me to please you, in a way that gave me pleasure beyond anything I ever experienced before meeting you. Damn eternity, I have so many wonderful memories of you, and didn't I, didn't I tell you that I would love you forever..., I do and I will!
Damn that infernal light, it pulls me away from you, it drags me unwillingly away from you and I hate it! But it is closer. Why is it closer, I do not feel any movement yet it is getting larger? It is like being on a train as it emerges from its cave..., I be damn, is it the light at the end of the tunnel? I laugh at the thought but what else could it be?
In a flash of light I am pulled from total darkness into total light. The light is warm, caressing me in wondrous ways and giving me nourishment, I just want more of it. I look at what I think is upwards and the light is so bright yet it does me no harm as I stare at it. I stare at it forever, till I feel a nudge at my side and somehow I turn to see an orb of light, bright, warm and that somehow I know this entity. I could hear it communicating to me, yet there was no sound. The more I listen the more I could understand. It was trying to welcome me to here..., I think.
I could hear..., her, "It is a bit overwhelming when you first arrive."
"Is this heaven," I butted in. I mean I really wanted to know.
Beautiful laughter filled me, the being simply said, "Van, you were always a dreamer, dreaming of different things. I am surprised that you would think of that."
Van, very few people know me by my middle name. Very few. "McGregor, is that you," I ask. She laughs again; it is a laugh that you can only hear in people who have smoke thousands of cigarettes over a life time, but here it is beautiful.
"You asked me to be here when you arrived, so here I am," simply stated from a woman I deeply respected even though she was my secretary when she was alive.
"McGregor where in the hell is here," I boldly ask her than thought, 'oh shit' am I going be hit with a bolt of lightning for my impertinence. I thought she was shaking her head, but she didn't have a head. Let me try to explain what I saw was McGregor; she was a sphere of indeterminate height and breadth not of a physical sense but of energy. I could not tell you how big she was because there was nothing here that I could identify, that I could compare her to. She was bright and beautiful, I don't know how I knew that but I knew. She was not as bright as the light above us, but as I looked I could see "others," around us of varying brightness, some duller and some brighter.
"You have always been a being of energy. On that plane of existence you called Earth you were encapsulated in a physical body. When that physical body stopped functioning your energy self journeyed here to be with others of its kind. It is just another level of existence, our goal here is to become like that above us."
"We can be like that?"
"Yes."
"But how?"
