I knew I was dreaming, the fuzzy edges were proof of that. Excitement bubbled up in my chest, I was going to see HIM again. I'd been having the same dreams for months. Each one brought butterflies and a slice of paradise.
I felt strong arms around me and knew at once that they didn't belong to my husband. The well-defined chest under my head confirmed it; a heartbeat thudded in my right ear, while a verbal chocolate poured over me. I was bathed in his masculine monologue, if I had been a cat that voice would've been enough to make me purr. Funny, he was right under me but it was hard to hear him; as if he was speaking to me through thick glass.
I wanted to move, to look into the blue eyes that made my breath catch in my throat. I knew they would be looking into me; that once our eyes connected my very being would tear down my protective walls, my mangled and trampled heart would be left vulnerable. I ached to see the rest of him I'd never seen more than his eyes and arms. I had felt his sturdy thighs behind me once before, I was greedy to see the rest.
He shifted beneath me, pulling my lips to his, my eyes closed and I screamed at my dream self. The frustration was clawing at my stomach it built into a wild animal thrashing around, the turmoil was too much I was surely going to be torn to pieces. One touch of his soft full lips tamed the beast. His skilled mouth moved against my novice one.
I was so embarrassed, I wasn't worthy of such a kiss. This was the stuff of movies, reserved for the knock out leading lady. What was he doing wasting it on me?
A small groan came from his throat, I smiled and broke the kiss. My head found his chest, his hand stroked my hair. I felt so safe and protected he was my guardian angel. I never wanted to leave his side, just thinking about the possibility made my heart clench with pain.... All at once I couldn't breathe I turned to ask for his help but he was gone. I could hear rushing water and feel pressure all over my body. Was I drowning? Where was I? Who am I? Someone please help me!!
My room was dark, I was sitting up in bed gulping for air. I shook uncontrollably; my muscles locked in place a light sheen of sweat covered my body. I remembered blue eyes, but my husband's eyes are green, blue eyes belonging to a warm voice and strong arms, a kiss. A flash of memory blinded my mind, my heart was breaking to be back with him! A sob burst from my mouth, tears ran down my face. I felt my soul going insane from the heartache.
"What the fuck is your problem?!" My husband had been woken up by my sobs.
"Nothing honey, sorry I woke you. Go back to sleep." I tried to suck in all my anguish and push it deep inside me.
"If you're going to be loud fucking go out into the living room! Fuck!" He rolled over with an angry huff pulling the covers off of me and wrapping himself completely with them. I lost all memory of my dream. My mind was focused on comforting the grumbling pile of man beside me.
I felt awful, "I'm really sorry," my voice shook with the tears I was trying to suppress, "I wasn't trying to be loud." I wanted to be held so badly. He wouldn't hold me even if I begged, I had to find comfort with myself, this is how it's always been.
"Are you seriously still crying?! Get your ass out of my bed and go be a bitch somewhere else, I have to fucking work in the morning." His eyes glared at me over his pudgy shoulder, I scampered out of his bed and ducked into the hall but I still heard his next sentence, "Fucking worthless cow, I'll give you something to cry about." I cowered from those words, it was no use, they still swam in my head like those of ten year old bullies on the playground. Worthless cow, worthless cow, worthless, worthless, worthless!
I knew where to find comfort, with a tiny bundle laying in her crib. I picked up my sweet baby girl who was barely eight months old she was small for her age, pale, bald, and she never smiled but she was beautiful and she was my happiness. I gently lifted her up and into my arms, I pressed my cheek to hers and breathed in the smell of baby lotion. A single tear rolled down my cheek as I thought of how sorry I was that I was her mother, she deserved so much better. She deserved someone beautiful, healthy, and successful I wanted her to have the best which, sadly, I wasn't. I kissed her tiny nose and ghosted out of her room. I'd hate to wake her up too.
I made my way soundlessly to our couch, sat in the dark and mentally berated myself for being so inconsiderate.
"Couldn't let him sleep in peace; you ungrateful, lazy, ugly, fat ass. He could do so much better, anyone would be better than you." I agreed with myself, I knew how lucky I was to have a husband. Sure he talked to other girls, told them he loved them, and even hit on them in front of me but every marriage has its problems. I'm sure he'll come around eventually.
I had to find some way to make him happy....
********************************************
I knew my dick was big but damn, this bitch wouldn't shut up she just kept moaning and shouting as though she were in a fucking porno.
"Oh! Andy fuck you're huge!!!" Her high pitched voice was annoying.
"I know! Take it. I'm almost done." Watching the ceiling I tried to imagine someone else, to block out her voice. Close so close..... Throbbing, tingling, building, I imagined an hour glass figure tangled in my bed sheets, button nose pressed into my pubic hairs, full pink lips fitting snug around my shaft base, full curved ass arching against my stomach while I plunged inside a tight slick.....That did it.
I pulled out and shot hot sticky ropes all over her flat dorsal skin. Then rolling over onto my back, "You need a ride home?" I growled at her.
"No I have my car...... But I didn't cum."
Pouting and whining? She looks like a fucking Chihuahua, I would rather fuck a real Chihuahua.
"Maybe next time."
There would be a next time, there always was. I'd never found a girl worth having around after sex they wanted to cuddle, or complain, or worse talk about themselves. Such cold heartless bitches.
The only good thing about them, a warm, slick gash to fuck. They were all the same; boring, and self centered. No thank you.
************************************************
I couldn't move my head. Lifting trembling hands to my face I held the boulder that was once my cranium. God he hit so hard. The throbbing was the worst at my temples where he had connected with the pillow. (I know it doesn't sound like it would hurt but when some tennis shoes are tossed in it, it's a doozy.
What had I done?
"Are you kidding me?!!! Such a fucking pussy. I didn't even hit you that hard!"
"Lu that really hurt." Tears were pouring down my face. I tried to open my eyes to gauge how angry he was. My lids barely shifted, searing white light and a sharp pain stabbed into my eye sockets. A mangled gasp tore from my mouth.
"Are you hurt? Do you need to go to the hospital?" Was that a chuckle? He's mocking me!!!
"No I'm fine it just stings a little." I was lying through my teeth, I wish I was bigger than him I'd hit him, I'd watch him cower on the floor. But I was small nearly half his size. I'd leave some day..... Someday soon I hoped. How could I though? My mind was at war with itself. He's my husband it's not right. I need to stay and put more effort into making this work. I can't just walk away from my marriage. I need to stay. I deserve better. What about our marriage? Who cares?
"How am I supposed to get to the living room? You're taking up all the god damn room! I'll just walk over you, fat lump."
I felt his work boot clad foot crape my back every lump of my spine caught the ridges of his boot. It burnt and stung I knew it would welt. I pressed myself into my dresser to make room for his enormous girth. Knobs pressed into my cheek, collar bone, and ribs. He had room now, that didn't stop him from crunching my fingers under his heel. They didn't break (thank goodness) but they did swell up.
Lu wasn't a small man at 6'3", weighing over 300 lbs. He was an intimidating mass of fat and spiteful hate. He had dirty brown unkempt hair, scruffy face, and awful hygiene. He loved to sneer or smile overly wide when he was being an asshole (which was all the time). Cursing and making condescending remarks was his specialty. He had coarse ashy skin at all his joints and smelt of stale cigarettes. Gross! When he did wear cologne it was the cheap aerosol kind, he would spray continuously until it made his clothes damp. I choked on it at close range, the lingering sent left me nauseous for hours.
If you had met me two years earlier you would've met a toned athletic dancer. I had deep brown hair to offset my blue eyes, I was short at 5'4" but my personality made me seem taller. I was smiley and friendly always finding something to laugh about. I kept myself clean and well-manicured in every definition of the word. I dabbled in tanning, a nice sun kissed glow was what I usually sported. I use to love being around people and making new friends. My High School friends always compared me to the energizer bunny, I kept going, and going, and going. I loved to stay healthy and enjoyed running in the early morning air, the crisp breeze in my face kept me energized through my whole run.
But now my husband's negative remarks and abusive life style had taken its toll. He described me as short and pudgy, I had gained some weight after having my baby, and sometimes he likened me to the Michelin man's ugly sister. My hair was damaged at the ends and I had lost my bubbly personality.
I no longer enjoyed being around other people I dreaded even walking down the street now. Were people looking at me and thinking I was fat and ugly too? Was I some major blemish on society's face? Being embarrassed to even exist was the new norm. I wanted to hide myself from the prying eyes of strangers. I wanted to die.
Later that night I had to endure one of the rare occasions that happened during our marriage, sex, while far and few between it was awful. Lu usually started off by coming up behind me while I was washing dishes or cooking he'd fondle my breasts roughly, tweaking my nipples hard bringing tears to my eyes. "Go get naked, lay down on the bed and get yourself wet. I'll give you five minutes.
I scurried to our room, there was no way in hell I was ever experiencing sex while dry again! It was bad enough without the added discomfort of not being lubed. Lu wasn't big he was just a brute, slamming himself in, in one thrust then hammering in like a jack rabbit after months of celibacy.
Generally I would lie still, staring off to the side while trying very hard no to retch from the pain. On a good day I'd only have to endure ten minutes of Lu's blobby mass humping on top of me before being sprayed with his vile cum. But on a day when Lu was high on prescriptions it could last for hours.
"Talk dirty to me bitch." Oh yay he was high. "Tell me about your sister and Maggie."
Ugh! I hated this part. (Maggie was our mutual friend who had also been a Bride's maid in our wedding.
As I started to degrade myself, my sweet baby started crying from the other room. The sound made my breasts swell with milk on top of the store I already had it ached to have him mashing my chest.
"Please let me grab her and feed her? We'll pick where we left off as soon as we're done."
