Let Fate Guide You

I couldn't get her out of my mind, a sweet little dirty blond haired girl with an hourglass figure and delicious pink lips.

Last night I had dreamt of her, walking hand in hand on a side walk at night, she seemed so short compared to me. Oddly enough it wasn't the first time I had dreamt of her, I remembered a dream from when I was fourteen, I couldn't recall what exactly happened but I knew it was her. God I wish she was real. I could get lost in her body for days.

What I loved most was how she presented herself, innocent and clean. Not some air headed fake girl pretending not to know when her cleavage was spilling out. But honest to goodness innocence she dressed modestly even pulling up her under shirt to try and cover her impressive DD rack.

I bet she was one of those girls you could take home to meet the family without being embarrassed. Someone you'd wake up to and instantly want to pull into your arms. Forget the morning breath and the rumpled clothes! She'd be someone to spend the weekend with, watching stupid movies and cooking dinner with.

Ugh! I couldn't think about her any more, my body was hard just thinking about her.

My baby girl Rose was spending the weekend with her mom again. I hated it. Her mom was such a bitch! I'd married Sage at eighteen right after finding out she was pregnant. All my family had told me not to but my "fuck you" attitude didn't let me listen to reason. Almost instantly her real side showed through.

Constantly running off to her friend's or her mom's staying weekends out with her girlfriends. It didn't take long to realize shed lied about being pregnant. Once she realized she wouldn't be allowed to party anymore she came clean about just wanting me to stay with her.

After that it was a fast circle down the toilet bowl. I found out she was cheating on me but stayed with her. I was a fucking idiot. Her boyfriend was nice enough to call me and tell me what was going on while she was in the shower in our bathroom. I didn't really believe him until the next time she "went to her girlfriend's house" not fifteen minutes later I got a picture of her naked sucking her boyfriend's dick. And yet I still stayed with her.

Weeks later she found out she was pregnant. I was so excited, so many thoughts of my impending fatherhood raced through my mind. The next words out of her mouth had me ready to explode.

"I don't want you to have anything to do with MY baby." Her ugly face pinched with hautiness.

"Are you kidding me?!" I couldn't believe what I had heard," that's my baby I'll take you to court you stupid bitch! You can't take my baby away."

"I just want us to have some time apart, I feel so suffocated. I'm going to stay with my mom for a little bit." Apparently she had her mind made up.

She bounced between our house and her mother's frequently. One day I was underneath her car giving it a tune up. Admittedly I'd seen a ton of accidents lately and wanted to do everything in my power to keep Sage and our unborn baby safe, I was a bit paranoid so I was double checking everything.

"Hey I need my car! Do you wanna get your ass out from under there or can I run you over?" I saw her sneaker clad feet walking down our front steps.

"How about you waddle over her, by the time you make it into the car I'll be done." Chuckling at my waddling remark, she was a petite girl and the pregnancy hadn't been kind to her tummy. She look like a Gardner snake who had eaten a watermelon.

"Oh so fucking funny!" She shrieked at me. I saw her bend over my tool box.

My knee cap exploded in excruciating pain, reacting to the agony racing up my body I smacked my head on the under side of the car, trying to reach down and check my knee. At this point I couldn't tell if it was attached still or not.

"Is it so funny now you stupid fuck?!"

I watched in stunned horror as the wrench she was holding came down on my knee cap again. On sensory overload white flashed in front of my eyes, my throat constricted on groans, and my leg was a kaleidoscope of screaming nerve endings. Stuck somewhere between not being able to move and seizing uncontrollably I eventually made it out from under the car. Looking around I saw Sage standing to the side inspecting her nails.

"I swear to god if you ever come near me again, I'll fucking kill you!" Bile rose in my throat from the waves of torture, it was a miracle I could stay semi upright.

"Whatever, are you done with my car?" Was this cunt serious?

I hobbled away from her before I tore out her throat with my teeth. Once I made it inside I called the one person I knew who would be able to take me to the hospital asap. My best friend, my mother.

Of course she had wanted to tear Sage's throat out with her hands, I guess you could say we're related.

I hadn't seen Sage again until one morning around two a.m. she had shown up at my house drunk, and totting our screaming baby.

"Take this." Almost throwing the squirming baby girl at me.

I was all thumbs, this was the first time I had ever held her, I managed to cradle her to me anyways. Her soggy bottom poised on top of my left forearm. "What do you want me to do? I don't know what to do with a baby."

"Well maybe if you had been around more you'd know huh?"

"You took off! You didn't even tell me when you were in labor! How was I suppose to be in her life when I did know where she was, and just out of curiosity how do you know she's mine?"

"Look I don't have time for this, I have some friends waiting for me at the bar. Do you want her or not?"

Of course I wanted her. "Yes I want her. Are we doing visitation now?"

"No she's all your's. I can't handle her any more, she cries and she's needy. I might want to visit her later but I can't be her mother."

All she had for Rose was a diaper bag full of dirty clothes and diapers that were too small. I was overwhelmed, even I knew she needed more than this. What was I going to do? How was I going to take care of her on my own?

I dialed my mom, even though it was early I knew she'd answer when I called. Her sleepy voice answered just before it could go to voicemail. "Hi honey! Are you okay?"

"Mom? I need your help."

"Baby are you alright? Where are you I'm on my way!"

What an amazing woman,"I'm at home.... Can you run by the store and grab me somethings?"

"If you are sending me on a condom run I'm going to kill you!"

"No I need some diapers."

Silence dominated the other line for a few agonizing seconds,"Ummm... Are you having problems with wetting the bed?" I smiled at her attempt at a joke.

"No Sage just dropped off our baby. She gave her to me.... I don't have anything for her. II don't know what to do, I need a car seat, diapers, clean clothes, and food for her." Faced with a daunting task my voice had become shaky."Wwill you pppick up some stuff for me? Please?"

Rose had one of my large knuckles in her mouth, suckling on it around yawns she nuzzled into my side. Head on my chest she started to doze off.

Overcome with a longing to protect and care for her I hugged her close to me, heading inside my house we both cuddled on my couch waiting.

I remember drifting somewhere between awake and asleep as Rose suckled on my index finger, my mother pulled into the garage then b let herself in. The first words or of her mouth still haunt me to this day,"That baby isn't your's." Pushing it out of my mind I set to work on taking care of my sweet baby.

That had been one of the most hectic nights of my life, with the support of my own mother I had forged ahead and never looked back.

**************************

"Lynn I don't know what to do, I feel like I gave up on my marriage, don't I owe him more? Maybe we could try marriage counseling or a minor separation. Oh I know! We could live apart and try dating, you know we never did that. Maybe he'll change maybe...."

"I swear if you go back to him I'll disown you!" Lynn was fiery. As my second oldest sister she took it upon herself to be a friend and a pain in the butt. But I loved her so I guess it all evened out.

"How can I just walk away? He's my husband! I have to do something, if I don't I'll always wonder."

I could see her hands tighten on the steering wheel of her car. The click of the turn signal screaming in the tension filled silence. Finally she forced herself to respond,"You have done everything. You've tried and tried again, if your marriage can't be saved it isn't your fault. At this point it's his fault, he hasn't done anything for you! But I guess it makes sense to try everything."

I didn't need her permission, I needed her support. The fact that she understood my reasoning helped. Picking up my phone I called Lu.

"Hi honey! How are you?" His overly cheerful voice made me want to punch something.

"Hey I was wondering if you were open to try marriage counseling?" Trying to sound polite I probably sounded like a machine recording.

"I can't pay for that shit! When are you coming home? I'm tired of you playing games." Oh there was the husband I loved so much.

"I know someone who'll do it probono. Does next Thursday work? And are you going to come up and see Jewlie? We'll be home all weekend so you're more than welcome to."

"Fine, whatever. I don't know, I'm really busy."

"Lu she's your daughter, don't you want to see her?"

"She's a baby she won't even remember if I see her or not so why does it matter?"

Wouldn't it matter to him? Wasn't it enough to just see her?

"I think it's important for you to see her, what if we..."

"Whatever! Be home Friday around noon. I'll see you then."

Lynn looked at my phone like it had flipped her the bird. Parking her car we made our way ,with Jewlie in my arms, up to the pediatrician's office.

My family had speculated about Jewlie's weight and appearance, they said she looked sickly and neglected. The doctor's report only confirmed what I had long assumed, Jewlie was malnourished. She had been born in the ninety-eight percentile now she was barely in the second percentile.

That Friday Lu showed up but barely acknowledged Jewlie, he shot daggers at me. Then when he was leaving he had the audacity to say,"As my wife it's your job to take care of me, let's go park and I'll bring you back later." I knew he wasn't asking. A fire sparked inside of me."Ha!" I literally laughed in his face,"I wouldn't touch you now even if a judge court ordered it!" Walking away I held my head highs right up until I made it back inside, I ran to the bathroom and dry heaved over the toilet. He still scared the shit out of me.

My cell phone vibrated with a text message. "That's fine, I have Maggie staying over this weekend anyways." I didn't believe it but that weekend I received a picture of Maggie kissing a man who looked exactly like Lu on what looked to be his bed. I shouldn't have cared but the picture made me physically ill. Bile rose in my throat.

I was trying so hard to hold onto my anger, for some reason I couldn't manage it until after our next scheduled visitation. Again it was an hour of dirty looks, sexual innuendos, and demands of servicing him. The next day was our marriage counseling appointment, one hour before having to be there Lu called the conversation was short and to the point. Lu had moved over night, he had no intention of fixing our marriage, he wasn't going to pay child support, and the only way he was doing visitation was if I did all the driving.

After that my moto became, "Fuck Lu!"

**************

I wanted to sleep, I'd been drinking away my pain whenever Rose was at her mom's or with a babysitter. Barely able to function, last night I had been awful. I'd had nightmares all night, well one nightmare played on a continuous loop.

My mother lay dead in the road, I ran to her checking for a pulse, breathing, any sign of life. My shaking hands rolled her to her back, tilting her head back I started CPR, pumping on her sternum I felt her ribs breaking under my palms.

1,2,3,4,5,6..... I was CPR certified remember the steps,

C- Compressions 30 compressions per breath locking arms and pressing two inches down with all my body weight

A-Airway open her airway by tilting her head back

B- Breath give one full breath into an air tight mouth

Repeat, Repeat, Repeat

I knew I was crying but it didn't matter this was my mom I had to save her.

"Help! Someone help us!"

She still wasn't breathing.

C

A

B

"Please! Can anyone hear me! I need help!"

I couldn't let her die, what would I do without her?! I'd be all alone, she's my beat friend! I won't lose her! I won't!

Another rib broke under my hands the lumpy pieces shifted under my hands as I continued my compressions. In that moment I realized that no one was coming, no one was going to help. I'd have to give her CPR all night.

All night, I couldn't stop. Can't stop. Never stop. Have to save her. Have to save her. My arms we getting tired and I was light headed from the breathing. I couldn't do this alone.

"Help! Anyone! Please help me!"

My voice started to break, I was going to lose my voice from screaming.

C

A

B

I checked for a pulse, studying her face for any change. What I saw made me want to vomit. Blood was running out of both nostrils, the corners of her eyes, ears, and the side of her mouth.

I panicked, grabbing her shoulders I started to shake her lifeless body, jarring her around like a fish out of water. Ignoring the pain from my raw throat I managed to croak out one last plea, this time it was directed at my mother, "Please wake up, please don't leave me! Wake up! Don't die, you can't die! YOU CAN'T DIE!"

My body jumped, I was instantly awake. Curling up on my side a sob was ripped through my throat. I smashed my face into my pillow hoping to banish the tears that were already trickling out of my burning eyes.

This is why I drank, guzzling more each night hoping to avoid the nightmare. The only other dreams I'd had lately were forgotten as soon as I woke up. I knew they were good they had to be, I always woke up with a raging hard on those mornings. In the past few months I had only had a few good nights. I couldn't live like this any more.

***************

"Try to focus. And be realistic. What do you want in a future life partner? Write down all the characteristics you want in the next man." My therapist had been trying to get me to do this exercise for weeks.

I didn't want another man to touch me, not ever. Why couldn't anyone get that? "Both my sisters have already offered to fix me up with someone after I'm done being "cynical". Ugh! But I'm being cynical, or unrealistic, or melodramatic. I had trusted my husband to treat me right, love me, and share a happy life together. And I understand that life isn't all peachy keen all the time. But let's be serious the man was a monster!"

"Not all men are the same. You can't be afraid of all men for the rest of your life."

"What if I pick another man who is the same as Lu? I can't do it again. I can't go through that again. Why can't I just spend the rest of my life with my Jewlie?"

"Don't you think your daughter deserves to see you happy? Doesn't Jewlie deserve to have some stable male role model in her life?"

Of course Jewlie deserved a stable man in her life, but what if I failed again? What if I wasn't destined to have someone love me? Could I find someone who could love me now?

"Can we try something different?" I was desperate to avoid that project at all costs.

"What would you like to do?" Dr. April wasn't mean but she wasn't someone to be overly lenient either. I had to compromise.

"What if I wrote a list of all the things I want in a "Prince Charming" a completely romantic and off the wall unrealistic list of a perfect man?"

Beaming at me she asked,"And after we analyze that list you'll write a realistic list?"

Of course I agreed.

That night after I had written a list for "The perfect man" my sister asked to see my list. I was embarrassed, this was meant to be silly and resemble something out of a Disney movie. What if she laughed at me? Readying myself for the ridicule I knew was coming I handed her my list with my head down, hoping to hide behind my long hair.

"This is the unrealistic list?"

"Yeah."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes why?" What could possibly be wrong with it? I knew it was childish of me but I was entitled to some childish fantasies.

"You want "someone who'll; love you for you, kiss you on the for head, kill spiders for you, will date you, loves Jewlie like his own, has brown hair, blue eyes, is a hard worker..." you do realize this is realistic right?"

She had to be kidding me! Was this some sick joke? Of course I couldn't have all that maybe I could have one thing on that list but that would be it. "What do you mean? Like I could have a guy with with brown hair and one of those character traits?"

"No you could have it all. In one guy! I don't understand how THIS could be your fairytale list."

Jealousy boiled up in me, my oldest sister Marrisa sat on her couch tucked under the arm of her husband. Why couldn't I have that? Unable to control the frustration any longer I snapped on her. "Because no man could be like that. Any man who claims to be that amazing is a fairytale! Do you want to know what men are like?! They are selfish, brutes, who only want one thing!"

Marrisa calmly got up and handed me back my list saying softly,"There are rare men out there who are worth the pain and hard ache. And if you're willing to fight for that man I know you'll get exactly who you want. The question is how bad to you want it and what are you willingly to do to get it?"