I should have locked the door, but did not think to. My neighbor came walking in after taking Utah to the airport right before our Sunday night staple, "Iron Chef America." I didn't look at him, I couldn't. He sat next to me and put his arm around me as if nothing were wrong. After he kissed my cheek I pushed him away.
"I need some time alone," I said to him void of emotion.
"Why?"
"Just go."
"Alright," he said sheepishly and stood up. He stood there for what felt like minutes before saying, "I have to go to the store after work for some things, would you like me to pick up anything special for dinner tomorrow."
I could feel myself welling up with anger. I took a deep breath and tried to remain calm.
"I don't need anything." I began to shake and had tears rolling down my cheeks before I could even think to try not to cry in front of him.
He knelt in front of me and rubbed my legs trying to get me to look at him, "What's wrong Kitty?"
Tears turned into soft sobbing and he was quick to jump in for a hug. I don't know why I was letting him console me. I sank my head into his shoulder and he held me tighter. Emotion kept pouring out of me as my sobs went to full on uncontrollable crying. I wound up curled into a ball on the couch with him wrapped around me like an exoskeleton.
I tried to take deep breaths and calm down as the tears continued to fall freely. He pulled apart from me slightly to try to see my face, but I was quick to look away.
"Please tell me what's wrong," he said gently as he pulled my hair through his fingers.
I finally looked at him and told him the truth, "I can't have you around me anymore, not like we've been. I just can't."
He looked surprised. Why would he look surprised?
My eyes were so swollen I was having a hard time keeping them open as he looked at me. He batted his eyes quickly as they began to get teary and looked away.
He rubbed my arm as he stared off. He looked back at me. "How is it going to work then," he inquired after a hard swallow.
"Work?"
"Spending time together, being friends."
I looked at him and said what was completely heartfelt and real at the time, "I am unable to be friends with you. Maybe some time in the future we can "hang" but for right now, that's not going to "work" for me."
Hoping for some kind of explanation of what he was thinking or feeling, I wiped his tear away and put my hand on his face. He said nothing. He got up, kissed me on the cheek and headed out the door. I started crying harder and harder as I buried myself into the couch trying to muffle my cries. I dragged myself to bed and tried to focus on how I could make all the weirdness of whatever the two of us had going on disappear. I fell asleep a couple hours later on my tear soaked pillow.
I did not feel my neighbor crawl in bed with me that night. I woke up about 4 am with his arm around my stomach while he was stretched out face down sleeping beside me.
"What the fuck!" I screamed in my head and removed his arm from me aggressively. He woke and turned to me startled.
"You're so in love with my bed you had to sneak in to sleep in it, get the fuck out!" I snapped not fully awake.
"Calm down," he said groggily, "I came in hoping to talk, but didn't want to wake you. We need to talk."
"I don't want to talk."
"Then please listen."
Everyone has someone they know of that was in one of those types of relationships. Abusive partner, but remained hopelessly in love. Never was treated as if they were good enough, but they kept trying to be. Knew they were wrong for staying, but could not walk away. Again, who doesn't know that person?
There was a woman in my neighbor's life named Anna, his "ex-fiancΓ©". They met at 17 and were together for 10 years. He adored her. She was cruel....crazy and cruel. I won't even go into the stories he told, I will only bring up what is most important, what aspect of their relationship bled over and stopped he and I from developing one.