Many of my problems can be blamed on my first wife, Kim. Every cell in my body loved her and I cried at her feet, begging her to come home with me the first time she left me. Maybe we should have gone to counseling then but money was tight and we never got around to it. The second time she left me was worse because we had two little girls by then. I would walk around our quiet apartment and find a little sock or doll on the floor and cry again. I needed her back, I needed my girls back but this time I could not get off work to drive the four hours to where her parents lived.
The point was muted when her sister called me to say that my wife had taken up with Bryan, her old boyfriend and left her mother to take care of my girls. She said I always put my cheating slut wife on such a pedestal, a pedestal she didn't deserve.
I was devasted, I cried like a god damn baby. Two days later Kim called acting all sweet and shit, I barely said a word. She wanted to know if something bothered me and I told her to talk to her sister Rachel.
War must have erupted on the mountain where they lived. My phone was ringing every five minutes. This was before cell phones, before answering machines, just an old fashioned wall phone. I had my beer and a baseball game on, that was all I needed, everything else was gone. The phone had gone silent for an hour or more, my team lost and it was time to go to bed when the phone rang again as I walked by.
I answered the phone and heard my father-in-law sobbing and muttering something unintelligible on the other end. He was never one of my favorite people, he never did me wrong, we were just completely different people. He was generally drunk so I wasn't sure if his babble was from drinking or something else.
He finally calmed down enough to say that Rachel was a cheating slut, always was and Kim was nothing like her. Kim was his good girl and would never do what Rachel said. He was begging me to believe him and started sobbing again. I never heard a grown man cry like that. And then he put Kim on. Kim insisted Rachel was just jealous because she was getting divorced again. Kim started crying and begged me to let her come home.
I was confused and didn't know who to believe. My father-in-law even sober was far from being the sharpest knife in the draw, maybe before decades of alcohol abuse, but that wasn't the man I spoke to tonight. It would be easy for Kim or anybody else to fool him. I was thinking of asking to speak to my mother-in-law when I saw one of the kids toys on the floor. I told Kim to come home.
She was there when I came home from work the next day, her eyes were puffy from crying. The girls were confused, happy to be home but concerned about their mother. They were three and one at the time. I was sure I could get some details from the oldest about her stay on the mountain as we called it but that felt wrong. Kim always insisted the Rachel was lying, they always had a rivalry growing up and Rachel couldn't stand to see her happily married. What did I know?
Maybe forever more there would always be a doubt in my mind whether Kim had cheated on me. Not forever more because almost three months later, Kim revealed she was pregnant. Revealed isn't the right word because I figured it out. I always did the shopping and Kim hadn't asked me to pick her up pads since she was back. I checked the closet in the bathroom and that same package still sat on the shelf. That may have been fine but we committed to only two kids when we got married and I had been snipped right after our second was born.
My mind went in every direction possible. I called an old friend who was recently divorced, he said between spousal support, child support and his lawyer bills he had to move back in with his parents and barely had enough money for a six pack on payday.
What I had to do was confront Kim, after putting the girls to bed I walked into the living room and turned off the TV. Kim started to complain...
"You're pregnant," I said.
"I know," was her response and she ran into our bedroom and locked the door.
We avoided each other for a couple of days until I demanded she sit down with me.
"I'm fucked," I said. "Not only did you fuck your old boyfriend but you fucked me too. We can't afford to get divorced and I don't want to lose the girls."
Kim was crying and said, "What are you suggesting."
"There's nothing to suggest Kim. I'm fucked."
I went to bed and tried to sleep. Kim came in later, she was still crying and said she was sorry. I wanted to scream, sorry for what, for spreading your legs, for calling your sister a liar, for duping your father to cover for you, for bringing another man's baby into our life? But instead I cried myself to sleep.
Somewhere in my addled mind I decided I had to think of the baby, he or she didn't deserve any of this. Kim was a wreck and I had to force her to see an Ob Gyn. We still slept in the same bed and one night she initiated sex. She was crying when we were done.
"You don't love me anymore," she said.
"What did you fucking expect Kim while you're carrying another man's baby in your belly."
Every few days she would initiate sex again, sometimes she cried, other times she insisted she was going to win me back. Sometimes I fucked her with a vengeance and she cried because I hurt her and she could feel my hate.
Life went on during the rest of her pregnancy, we needed a bigger place and kid furniture so the baby could take over the crib and Kim got bigger and bigger. Plus all the little shit that creeps into an unhappy couple's life, add in Lamaze classes.
A hurdle I had to leap was telling my family that Kim was pregnant again. We would see them at family barbecue on the fourth of July, Kim was due in August so she would be at least seven months pregnant. After our second daughter was born, my family was pushing us to try again for a boy, someone to carry on the family name. I had told all of them at one time or another that I had been snipped. Kim didn't want to go, but I told her eventually they'll know so why put off the pain. Surprisingly, no one mentioned the vasectomy. Everyone gave Kim hugs, said how beautiful she looked and offered their condolences for spending most of the summer pregnant.
The little girl was born in at the end of August, she looked nothing like her sisters at birth. I immediately shoved that thought out of my mind. After the birth, we went home and tried to live in the ashes of our marriage. Kim was getting frustrated that I would not or could not move on from her infidelity. But I loved the baby, easily as much as I loved her sisters. The thought that someone else fathered her never entered my mind.
