I Want Coc

(This story, is not a detailed sex experience, but about discovering yourself and becoming who you want to be. And understanding experiences from the author who lived through them. And sorry for some of the language).

I want cock.

That's where I am at in life. I just want cock!

After years of soul searching, pondering, and fantasizing, I have long realized and admitted it to myself and some close friends during deep honest conversations I am Bi-Sexual, leaning more and more towards Transgendered and Crossdressers. I just need dick. I want dick. I want an ongoing, lust-full, gay, cock sucking relationship. I need a boyfriend. I need to be the girl. To be the one pleasing my lover. Sucking a cock when needed, being fucked, falling asleep next to that lover as normal couples do. I need it all. And as strange as it is coming from a man (me) who has scored numerous women, including several threesomes and a host of fun, erotic experiences, I can't stop thinking about cock. Let me explain why.

When I was in my early 30s, I had the opportunity to have sex with a Shemale (as they called it back then). On the day she and I hooked up, I was a blazing wreck, shaky and nervous, inexperienced and clueless about making love to someone with a dick. But after it was over. And I digested the experience, I kind of liked it. I ended up seeing that "girl" for a while, but it was never more than sex. As much as it was enlightening, even desirable, my fantasy overrode the reality of it by wanting to have more and more time together, but it ended. But as an experience, each time it happened, it opened up more doors to more sex, discovering a different brand of sexuality, and more play with the same equipment I had. It was a great point in my life and a chance to do things, never done before.

Shortly after "she" left my life, I ended up meeting another Shemale on a dating site, posing as a genetic girl. After some lengthy conversations and some picture swaps, I finally realized she was also a "woman" packing that extra special package below the belt.

I loosely dated her for about six months, again it never panned out to more than some dates and sexual experiences. Although it seemed this one might have been more, I think I was still leery of taking things further. But having back-to-back shemales enhanced my desires for gay sex, dick, and anal sex. I wanted her. I wanted it. I really liked giving head, dreaming about cock, her cock, any cock, and being very happy when we spent time together. I have no doubt that I was a side dish to her; and being younger and still naive about what I wanted "in a relationship" and who I was sexually, I just took it as it came. No pun intended. Looking back now, I wish it would have been more than what it was. But at the time; and for what it was worth, it was a great continuing experience.

(To learn the story of those experiences, read Mike's First Transgendered Experience series).

After those experiences were done, at first, I accepted them as "bucket list" items I managed to cross off the list. Some same-sex experiences I never expected to happen, and albeit they looked like women with tits, they still had a cock hanging between their legs. But that's when the more need for cock started. The wanting cock enhanced, the wanting those two cocks again / more furthered, the desiring them, coupled with my acceptance of my new sexual exploration led me to where I was at. But those experiences developed a passion that exploded inside of me.

I had a girlfriend, heck I actually had lots of girlfriends. But at times still found myself longing for a hard cock. Still longing to suck dick, but still unsure I wanted to lead that lifestyle. Yet, as scary as it was for me, I was still wanting to be riding a thick hard cock until s/he came inside of me. At this point in my life, I had (literally) a suitcase full of lesbian porn and watched it frequently. But suddenly my lust for women and the old tales of wild lesbian sex switched over to trans porn and shemale encounters. Before I knew it that one suitcase, became two, being almost 60/40 tranny porn.

Countless visits to the local porn stores buying every dildo, vibrator, buzzing butterfly, butt plug, or unique anal toy I could find, to fulfill the need for cock. Countless nights after getting home from work and after doing the daily doldrum a shemale porn was in the video player, my hard cock in my hand and eventually a dildo deep in my ass. Some vibrating, some swirling, some thrusting, some "cumming ones", but nonetheless, something buried deep inside of me.

My girlfriends never knew it, and we (all the females I dated) had great sex lives and I loved being with them, pleasing them, and getting off. But when they weren't around, I was sucking on a dildo while watching cock on the screen. I was leading a double life, still fighting who I was or what I wanted.

After some heavy thoughts, and the excitement of the porns, the toys, and the thoughts of cock, and my experiences / wanting more experiences, I finally accepted I was Bi-Sexual. I liked men - at least men that looked like women - as much as I did women. The only problem was, Transgendered females were rare back then, not as open or out as today. Moreover, I was never really attracted to "the average guy". Even feminine openly gay men didn't do it for me. It was the ones who looked like women who had a dick, were the ones tickled my fancy.

After some more years of living a normal heterosexual life but not having any serious female relationships, I went online to a rather adult site looking for crossdressers and transgendered females. I couldn't fight the feeling anymore and I needed that "sex" in my life again. I found several and had several dates, but only one stuck out. I won't mention her name for anonymity purposes, but she was all girl, except for that cock.

After our second date, we were sitting in my car outside of a park on a quiet dark summer night, when we had our first kiss. That kiss led to a heated make-out session and before I knew it, I was giving her a blow job right in the car. I was overly excited and aroused, my dick hard as a rock, and l was loving every minute of it. She returned the favor after she came and before she left for the night, we had sucked each other off and made out some more. I loved her real (not augmented) developing breasts and her cock was almost the same as mine. In size, shape, and girth.

A week or so later I picked her up to hang by my house. After a while of watching a movie, we fooled around and I rode her perfect cock for a while. It was my first - non-toy - anal sex experience in a while and I loved it. Especially at the end, when she came all over my face. It made me realize I could be with someone with a cock, just as easily as someone with a pussy.

I tried to make it work for about six weeks, to make this a steadier situation, but she lived so far away from me, she didn't drive and was about a decade younger. So, it never worked out. And that of all of my experiences was the most disappointing because by then I had accepted I was Bi-Sexual, liked cock, and would have been comfortable enough to come out to everyone and/or if anyone would figure out, she was genetically the same as me.

Years passed and after some more in-depth relationships with two different females, I found myself single again. And although I loved and eventually missed the true feminine relationship and being inside pussy, those deep recessed thoughts of men and dick reared up again. I think my lust and ambition for dick was due to it being taboo, out of the ordinary, and surely my big secret!

A couple of years later I went to a party one night and ended up meeting an openly out, slightly chubby Asian guy. He had my attention from our first introduction. After exchanging numbers that night, we talked and texted for a few weeks before we finally met up. I was so excited about meeting him and being attracted to him because, in all reality, he was that "average man" I usually wasn't attracted to. But this time, I was. Maybe my tastes were changing. Maybe it was because he was open and out, maybe it was pheromones, maybe because I hadn't had cock in years, but I was surely interested. At a late hour of a cool fall evening, I convinced him to come over. Before the door even closed, I was kissing him. A short time later after making out on my couch in the front room, I dropped his pants and sucked him off, swallowing every drop of his cum. He returned the favor and by the time we were done, it was very late. He got up, got dressed, and left. And that... was the last time I saw or heard from him. But I wasn't bummed by it, the overall experience proved to me that I wanted cock as much as pussy.

A few years later, I had a similar experience with a middle-aged divorced man whom I met through work. We talked for weeks and one night after heading for dinner and drinks, we ended up at my place. After a heated make-out session on my couch, I led him to my bedroom by the hand and sucked his cock for more than a half hour before he finally came. P.S. he had the biggest dick I had ever had and I couldn't even get it all the way into my mouth and throat. I never even got off that night, by the time he came, I wasn't even horny anymore. I just wanted to suck his cock, making sure I got him off. It ended up being a challenge, not a mutual exchange. And to be honest, I think I was his first guy ever. So maybe the reason he didn't get off quicker, was the oddness of being with a man.

Just for clarification, I tried to connect with both of those two men as in continuing dating/sleeping together, but I was left hanging (no pun intended). But it was all for the best because a short time later I met a wonderful woman and dated her for years.

But as that relationship was dwindling and like some of my previous relationships after a while the longing for cock overcame me and I slept with a guy I bowled against on a bowling league several times and if he was "more single" I would be sleeping with him still. I loved giving him head, cuddling together, having him fuck me, and just having a lust for his dick. When it started, I did the right thing and immediately left my girlfriend, hoping it would be him and I, but it never panned out. It was just an on and off again FWB's deal, which - if I was going to come out completely - I needed a better commitment

Enter (for anonymity) "Lacy". I met Lacy via a crossdresser site, she lived close by and was in the process of transitioning. During the time I knew her, Lacy got a breast augmentation, grew her own natural hair out to a long length, and had a couple of sexual experiences with other T-Girls (as she called them) but never found the love and support she needed or wanted. I answered calls from her at all hours of the day or night to be there for her. And I openly admit that I was absolutely in love with her after only one deep long French kiss we shared one late night after having some coffee. I literally begged her to date me and be in my life and I didn't care if I was the top or bottom, as long as we were a loving, loyal functioning couple. However, she was always looking for something different than I could offer. Lacy hid herself from the world for many years not coming to terms of who she was, or where she should be. And when she finally did come out, it cost her dearly. She lost a career, friends, some family, and eventually her life. Lacy couldn't take the hate, the shunning, the reprisal of her transition, the lack of love, sex, and happiness, and took her own life. The sad part is we would have been perfect together. I would have entered into a long-term relationship with her if she would have said yes. Because she was what I was looking for (trans) and I was hoping to be the man she was looking for. But alas, like most women I know, she was always looking around what was in front of her, to see what else is out there. I will miss her...

So why did I write this?

That answer has two parts.

1. For me personally, this is another way of starting the further process of coming out to the world. Admitting to you - my readers - my Bi-Sexuality, some of which are the basis for the stories I write, my passions, my desires, my lust, and my longing for cock, just as much as pussy. My love and admiration for transgenders, crossdressers; or even select average men. The fact that I want cock. Period! I need cum, I need to be slurping on a hard cock sliding in and out of my mouth. On my knees, on my back, or up on top feeling that hard dick sliding in and out of me. Feeling that dick cumming inside of me. Cumming while being banged. Giving random blowjobs, road-head, being banged Sunday morning, after being fucked Saturday night. Being bent over the table, or the couch when s/he needs to fuck me, or me fucking them. Being out in public, going to parties, weddings, work dinners, nights in with friends, screaming to the world this is my boyfriend; or girlfriend if she's transgender, but still getting that lovely cock. It's time, too much repressing my feelings. And I assure you I am not some aging man who suddenly realized he's gay and is coming out of the closet. These tales and experiences were over the course of 25 years, so I long know who I am. Which leads me to;

Number 2. Admitting and accepting who you are. I have had several readers write private and public messages asking me about the stories I write. Whether they are true or made up. And to answer that question, some are real, and some are make-believe. But in some cases, those readers are questioning their sexuality, or are curious about trying same-sex relations. I advise all to be what they want, try new things, and experience life because it does go by fast. A wise saying, I use a lot is; "On our death beds it's not the things we did in life we regret, it's the things we never did that we regret the most." So, explore, try, live, love, and become a more rounded individual. Maybe you'll like it, maybe you won't. Whether you are male, female, transgender, or non-binary, open your mind and your heart and experience things. It worked for me! Worse comes to worst, you don't like it and then you know. Furthermore, understanding someone else, who has thoughts, feelings, desires, and ambitions, similar to what you are thinking or feeling, might be a helpful guide to take things further.

For me at this point, I need the cock, I need a wonderful, honest, loyal TG or CD in my life, and I need to experience having that "long-term" relationship with a dick. Being in something new, different, or unique. I've been through everything else, so why not? Right!

Hope this wasn't too depressing, because it wasn't all about a sexual experience, but about living and learning.

The end.