Have You Ever Been in Love?

Have you ever been in love? I am not talking about the feeling that you get when you want to fuck someone’s brains out and then a few weeks later, you are over it and forget the person entirely. I am talking about true and honest love. The kind of love that does not die.

I have been in love like that once. Hell, I still love him and it has been nearly a decade. I am starting to believe that a love like that never fades and that once you find your soul mate, then that is it. There is no other. There maybe some people who you love lot or even more then anything in the world, but not like the love that you shared with your soul mate.

I had just been through a horrible relationship with a very bad breakup. It had scarred me deeply and I had been staying at home for over three months trying to get my life straight again. My friends had decided that I needed a “Girls Night Out”. So we lied to my parents (I was only 17 at the time) and went to the local hangout. I was there with my friends when this guy pulled in. We had never seen him before, but he just blew me away. He was wearing a white tank top, tight blue jeans, and boots. He was about 5’11 and thin, but built, and had the most amazing brown eyes that I had ever seen and long silky light brown hair with blonde highlights from working in the sun. His car was an older white Cutlass but it was so decked out and shined up, it looked like it was glowing in the moonlight. I asked around the place about him and only one girl knew him. I basically dragged her over and made her introduce him to me. His name was Shane and he lived in the next town over. He was staying with his mother for the weekend and decided to cruise around to see what there was to do in our little town. After talking for a few minutes he said that he had to leave and got in his car. I decided to follow him (I don’t even think that we really knew what stalking was at that time). I loaded up my friends and cruised around behind them. They thought that I was crazy, especially when I told them that he would be mine. I usually didn’t have that kind of esteem, but that night I knew what I wanted, I wanted him and I planned on doing anything in my power and then some to get him. I followed him until he stopped at the local convenience store. I got out to get something to drink and started talking to him again. We talked for a long time until he realized what time it was. He had to have his car home so he called his mom and got a later curfew. I convinced him to follow me to my friend’s house and then on to my house. I took him into introduce him to my mother. I figured that would be one hell of a test and he passed with flying colors. When it was time to go, I walked him out. I planned on giving him a kiss goodbye that he would never ever forget. After I moved in for the kill, so to speak (usually I was never this forward) he grinned and asked for my telephone number. We exchanged numbers and he asked me out for the next night which I instantly accepted. I went inside the house, the happiest that I had ever been.

The next afternoon, he picked me up and we went to meet some of his friends and family. They were interesting and fun. I really liked them. Then he went to show me his favorite spot, a beautiful lake about a mile from his Dad’s house. He turned on the radio and started singing to me. I fell in love with his voice. Then we started making out and as far as I would let him go was to take my top off, nothing else. Being this free with someone was new for me. He later that night told me that he was glad that I had limits and was not “easy” like the rest of the girls that he knew. I was very happy to hear that since I was feeling guilty for going that far on our first technical date. We stopped at his Mom’s since he wanted me to see his guitar and hear him play. I was sitting on his bed, listening to him sing a Lynard Skynard song (he is the one that got me hooked on Southern Rock) when his mom came in. She flat out told us not to be fucking in her house. I was so shocked and embarrassed that I could not say anything. I had just met him, I didn’t know if I was going to fuck him or not. After that we left and he just kept apologizing to me about it. I told him not to worry about it and to let her think what she wanted. He took me home and we made plans go three wheeler riding the next afternoon on my parent’s farm. I went to bed thinking that I didn’t know if I believed in love at first sight, but what I did know was that if it felt like this, I wanted to feel like this forever.

The next day, I took him three wheeler riding to my favorite spot. It was a small lake on my parents’ property. Not as big and grand as the one he took me too, but none the less it was quite and secluded and away from the world. We started making out again, and I let him get to the point of finger fucking me to an orgasm. I was not very experienced at that time, but I knew that I was hooked on him. I didn’t care if it was a crush, love or obsession, just knew that he was what I wanted. We went over to my friend’s house that I was riding around with the night that I met him. She pulled me off to the side and told me to be careful, that she didn’t trust him since he seemed too good to be true. She thought that since we just met that he was going to fuck me and leave me. I was mad that she was trying to make me paranoid of him, but didn’t let it show.

The weekends with him were wonderful. Since he lived with his cousin in the other town over and had to go to school over there, we would talk on the phone at night. I learned so much about him. He decided to surprise me one weekend and tell me that he was moving in with his mom and changing schools so that we could be together. I was so happy and excited. I had never dated a guy that went to my school before, I always dated guys in the next towns over, that way if I didn’t like them and dumped them, I didn’t have to look at them all the time at school. But with Shane, that didn’t matter. I wanted to be as near to him as possible for a long as I could. I would pick him up for school and then take him to work afterwards. I started feeling bad about him having to work so hard and spend all of his money to go out on dates. That is when I got a job after school waitressing. The hours were perfect, so that I could go and pick him up after work and then go back to my house, fix supper, do our homework together and then take him home. It got to where he was so exhausted from working at the lumberyard that when he got to my house and ate supper he would pass out asleep in the living room floor. I ended up doing both sets of homework, not that I minded and cleaning up the house. I was very happy in the relationship so anything that I had to do to make it easier on us, I didn’t mind.

On his birthday, I decided to surprise him. We fucked for the first time in his car. It was wonderful, and he said that it was the best present that anyone could have ever given him. He made me into a nymphomaniac. I had to have it from him constantly, any chance that we got. We ended up fucking many times in his mother’s house, in his car, in my car, in my parents’ car, in my parents’ house, out in the woods, in friends houses, just anywhere that we could. It was the happiest time in my life. I was in love, and totally carefree. One night he confessed to me about being molested as a child and we had to work through that together. It made us even closer as a couple. It was like our souls were linked and I always knew what he was feeling or thinking. It was nothing to wake up in the middle of the night and reach for the phone, picking it up with out it ringing and him being on the line calling me because he’d had a flashback or nightmare.

That Christmas was my happiest one. Shane had bought me a promise ring and had hid it in a stuffed animal. He promised that as soon as school was out that we would get engaged and be married. We were already making plans and they consisted of the “American Dream”; 2 kids, a little white house and a dog.

His stepfather came in one night after Christmas, drunk and fried on drugs. He blew up and beat Shane pretty badly. Shane ran over to the neighbors and called me. I was getting in my car to go and pick him up when my father stopped me and went with me. We loaded up everything that we could that was Shane’s and he started sleeping in our camper. We had a blizzard and the weather conditions were so bad that I begged my parents to let him stay on our couch. They agreed. I was so happy to have him there. He still went in to work while school was out. So I stayed at home cooking, cleaning and doing laundry since the restaurant was closed. It felt like we were really married in every way since my parents were never there. One day my father came in mad and made him work things out with his mother and stepfather. My father had heard that he was living with us and since my father was a minister he was mad at the thought of us ‘living in sin’. I told him that I was the one who had said it, and that what I had said was that he was staying with us on our couch. But he was too mad to believe me. I was heartbroken. That was when I learned that people could be such hypocrites. Shane said that he understood and that everything would be ok. That is when things started getting worse.

A close friend of mine died in a car wreck. She had asked me to go with her that day, but I had other plans. I went into a major depression feeling like I should have been with her. She was the good one and I was the bad one, so I felt cheated to have been left here without her. This put a major strain on my relationship with Shane. My head was so fucked up and he was scared that something might happen to me, so he made the relationship more serious and more confining. I told him that I needed my space to figure out what I wanted and to make sure that this relationship was the one that was meant to be. I was so scared that years later, I would find the one that I was meant to be with and that there would be hell or that I would miss the one that I was meant to be with. We ended up breaking up. After we broke up his parents kicked him out. He found a trailer to rent and had to quit school and go to work at the sawmill full time just to be able to afford to live.

I dated a few guys and was miserable. I missed him so much and regretted our breakup. I tried to get back together but he acted like he didn’t want to, so I gave up. I knew that I had lost the best thing to ever happen in my life and I started to believe that I was destined to be miserable. I started dating this really cute guy who turned out to be a real psycho. It was a very abusive relationship and I had it set in my mind that it was what I deserved. That I didn’t deserve to be happy and deserved to be miserable for hurting Shane like I did.

This went on for a couple of years. When things were at their worst and I was getting beaten up, I ran to a friend and he called Shane to help. Shane made me realize that this was not normal and that I needed out. He promised me that when times were their roughest that he would always be there for me. The spark was still there and he told me that in his heart, he would always wait for me. I still loved him but I was so messed up that I didn’t want to ruin what could be with my problems.

We kept talking from time to time, but we could never hook back up. I decided that I wanted to go on with my life. I got a job and met a man who I cared about. Dale and I went one night to see some friends and Shane was over there. It seemed to really hurt him, but my thought process back then was that if he had cared, then he would have tried to see me and let me know how he felt. Later I married Dale and a year later we had a child. We were over with the baby visiting friends when Shane came in. He saw me and was very happy. Then he saw the baby and my husband and looked very hurt. He quickly left. Word got back to me that a couple of weeks later that he had married the woman of his son child that was born about a year after we broke up. (I had always felt cheated that she got to have his son and I didn’t. The first time that I saw his son, I wanted to take him home with me. He was a very happy kid and very lovable, looking just like his father.) I was hurt, but I figured that we were never meant to be and that if he was happy, then I was happy for him. His happiness was all that mattered to me. My friend’s wife told me about him getting drunk one night stating that he wished that we had never broke up and how his life would be so different right now if we had stayed together. I had to agree with him on that. But she also noticed that every time he sees me, 9 months later his wife pops out another kid. We all have to wonder if he is grudge fucking her, thinking about me.

How I wish that things had turned out differently for us. I wish I could go back and do it all over again because I would in a heartbeat and this time I would not be so scared of commitment. This time I would go through hell and back to stay together if I knew that I could be as happy as we were before things got so fucked up.