Chapter 1 - Charlie's Birthday
Why do most people assume that men and women who are friends must be secretly dating or fucking? I have never understood why men and women can't be close friends like women are with each other and men are with each other. Granted, at times, friendships like these can cross borders and turn into something different for a glimpse in time. Does this mean that they are no longer good friends? Do they have to be labelled as a couple, being together, or the worst one ever "very **wink wink** close".
Recently I have found myself facing this situation on a daily basis. One of my closest friends is Charlie. As a 39 year old single woman, pretty much everyone assumed we were dating as we spend quite a lot of time together. Despite being 15 years my senior, Charlie and I get along extremely well. We have had similar life experiences and journeys that allow us to understand each other in a way many can't. We talk several times per week and usually see each other at least 1-2 times per week. For the past few years, we have both enjoyed this friendship as it is stress free and has benefits for both of us.
Over the years we have laughed off comments or just not responded to comments about our friendship. I can understand why people assume we date as he does many of the "manly" things around my house for me and I do many "womanly" things for him. He helps with the plumbing and electrical work, lifts heavy stuff and builds me things that I need. I help provide him with cooked meals as he is a bachelor at heart and cannot cook. I have given him free access to my laundry room to wash his clothes, help tidy up his house and bake treats I know he will like. This is a very symbiotic relationship for us, bringing happiness and ease to both of our lives. It just works for us.
I care for Charlie greatly and love him dearly. I wish only the best for him and a lifetime of happiness. I truly hope he finds a wife that makes him smile every day and smile even more at night! I know he wishes the same for me as well. We can joke about sex easily and not be uncomfortable around each other. On many birthdays, holidays and weekend bbq's, we have been together where we drank way too much wine or whiskey. These nights have led to laughter and grand memories. However, apart from an occasional hug and peck on the cheek on New Years, our friendship never included anything physical. Charlie makes sure I find a bed to sleep and that I'm safe before going off to sleep himself.
Don't get me wrong, he is handsome and aging well. He is strong and muscular and has those blue eyes that make women weak at the knees. He is successful in his career path and spends his days caring for a variety of pets and farm animals. The whole package, right -- I know!! I'm not a stunner but an average looking woman who has a solid career, home and life together. I work out a few days a week to try and keep a tolerable body.
This year, we had an encounter which blurred our friendship lines for the briefest moment in time. And...strangely enough...our friendship just not changed. For real- no weird feelings, attempts at a repeat or having a physical relationship! It was, however, very odd how it came about.
Charlie's birthday was fast approaching. As I do most years, I asked him what he would like. Expecting the usual dinner, movie, t-shirt response, he laughingly said "a kiss from you." Without a second thought, I went over and gave him a quick hug and pec on the cheek. With a twinkle in his eye, Charlie quietly said "that's not what I mean Lizzy". I instantly understood what he was asking of me. I started to stammer and flush. Charlie took my hands and told me to calm down. He told me that he just wanted to see what it was like. He continued to tell me that it would be a onetime thing, there would be no pursuit of a physical relationship, and our friendship would remain the same. He also promised to keep the kiss completely private between us as he knew how important my privacy was to me. I felt so flustered and uncomfortable at this request. Charlie saw how upset I was, let go of my hands and asked me to consider it. He reassured me that if I wasn't ok with this, that it was completely fine. There would be no change in our friendship either way.
I literally grabbed my stuff and almost ran out of his place. Over the next few days, I couldn't stop thinking about Charlie's request. As his birthday approached, I obsessively ruminated about it. As I picked up Charlie's birthday present (a t-shirt of course), I felt so frustrated that I wasn't giving someone so important to me what he wanted for his birthday. I would do anything for Charlie -- but was I willing to do this. Our friendship was the most stable thing in my life and I wasn't willing to risk that! The night before Charlie's birthday, I barely slept. I wasn't ready to change anything about us. Finally, I had decided this was not for me.
Thankfully, on Charlie's birthday, I was working a full day followed by a work event in the evening. I would just pop by his place and give him his gifts. I stopped by his place, very early, hoping he would be asleep. As expected, he was still snoozing in his lazy boy chair in the living room (ya I don't get it either -- he had slept there for years). I walked in and called out happy birthday. Slowly waking up, Charlie saw me standing there with gifts in hand. I quickly hugged him before he could get up and gave him a swift, chase, peck on the cheek. "Happy birthday Sweets, sorry I have to run". With that, I left before Charlie could say anything, rushing out of his place and off to work.
Later that day, I received a lovely text from Charlie thanking me for the amazing gift, signing off his text "best friends forever and love you always no matter what". I know he was trying to reassure me that our friendship was solid. It didn't work. I was anxious all day. I found myself snapping at co-workers and at one point sitting in a bathroom stall crying. What was wrong with me, why was I so hurt by this and why couldn't I let it go? As my anxiety built through the day, everything seemed wrong. My evening event went by like a blur, and despite being there, I wasn't really there at all. My mind was fixated on Charlie. I was asked more than once if I was alright, which I was able to chalk up to being tired. I guess this wasn't a lie since I really hadn't slept much the night before!
Once home, I dropped everything, grabbed a shower, put on my boy shorts and tank and hopped into bed. This day was finally done at 1000pm and I was ready to sleep solidly. By 1100pm it became painfully obvious that my tossing and turning wasn't going to end anytime soon. My anxiety was at its peak with my head and heart feeling like they were going to explode. Crawling out of bed, I threw on a hoodie, slid my feet into my sandals and grabbed my keys. I'll be damned if I was going to let Charlie's silly request make me go crazy like this and not talk to him about it. I had to talk to Charlie.
During the 20 minute drive to his place, I cried, yelled and laughed. I literally felt like I was going crazy. How dare he put me in this position? It was then that the reality of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks. I wasn't mad at him at all. I was so conflicted within myself, that I was causing all of this the mental chaos all by myself. Would I like to kiss Charlie to see what it's like? Well .... I guess. This scared me. Actually, this terrified me!
Pulling up to Charlie's place, I could tell he was all tucked into his lazy boy, tv on and lights off by the glow coming out of his window. I also knew that Charlie would have hear the truck pull up, as he was always in tune to listening out for clients. I walked straight in the house and came face to face with Charlie in the kitchen.
