Author's note: B#
Chapter three: The Bear's Cave
The door was locked. Felix knew none of his family were in, but that was beside the point. Turning the key had raised an extra screen to shut out the world. It was not that he hated it. He never had, in spite of the curveballs it could throw. It was more that all its sights and sounds would have distracted him from those playing behind his eyelids. He wanted to revisit them while they were fresh. He didn't fear for a sequel, he simply saw no better way to spend his hours between heaven and, he hoped, heaven.
Was that where he was now? Or were these just the Himalayas, which they called five miles high even though they mostly weren't? People forgot the valleys, just as you never remembered the anxious seconds between two moments of delight.
She had given him more than two this morning ... But even that felt like an insult to her, as though his delight were her purpose or close to all she had done for him. He was trying to find words for her gift. They came to him slowly as he sat on his mattress, his back leaning against the bedstead, his duvet in his arms.
I hide my pride
, he thought.
I've been ashamed of pride and scared of modesty, seen mediocrity's threat in it. I've tried to be great, wanting to deserve my own love. Parents love you unconditionally, but I've wanted open-eyed admiration. And I've set my own standards, because I don't trust others, and tightened them as the world around me has tightened. And I've had to forgive myself time and again for falling short. I've lived in fear of the day when I'm too weak to satisfy myself. No-one has ever relaxed this. Until now. That's the knot your treasuring hands are untying, Theresa.
"I hide my pride and shame", he said out loud. "But you've laid me bare and kissed them."
When had anyone last treasured him? He knew his mother had held him, but he couldn't remember it. ... No, there was nothing in his memory to go with Theresa. What did any Himalayan valleys matter there? He was loath to see a flaw in their morning ...
Watch this
,
Felix,
said a voice. See
your glasses turn rosy? This is where the long faultline starts. This is the subtle root of the chasm that will try to part you and her one day ... unless you weld it shut now. A watched crack never widens.
Had he given close to as much back to her? Best to keep an eye on that ... Was she thinking this gravely about him? He felt wonder at the idea that he might stand centre stage in young Theresa's mind, that the thought of him had the honour to share her hours of privacy. Was she, too, lying somewhere, shielding his memory from the daytime noise? He couldn't quite convince himself of it. That he should matter this much to anyone was absurd. He hardly mattered that much to himself ...
And the gratitude of her hug came back to him once more. And once more it gave the answer.
What was she doing now? Was she wasting herself on some chore? Well, they needed doing ... He pictured her laughing, then imagined writing her diary with a thoughtful smile. The mood changed and he saw her leaning against a bus stop sign, frowning at the clouds as the traffic rushed by.
Troubled grace
, he thought ...
Why do I think of you as troubled, Theresa?
"I wonder what's bothering you."
He raised his eyebrows at the question he hard just heard himself ask. Did it have a big answer? Or was she, like most people, just dealing with plenty of little things? But no answer offered itself to him and he felt his sense of disquiet dissipate ...
How many paces to take him to her? He realised he didn't even know where she lived. Did he know her well at all? He had thought so all these years, but everything looked different close to, and this morning, for just a moment, they had come very close ...
Was she by herself now? She must have friends and family, other people who shared bits of her life. Perhaps his own family would be among those soon ...
"Slow," he murmured." Don't get ahead of yourself."
He had always been alone, learned to cope with it and thought that wisdom. Nor had he changed his mind there. He didn't want to forget all he had learnt --who knew when loneliness would strike next? But he had always reluctantly suspected that more wisdom waited beyond it. He had doubted he was mature until he knew what the loving majority knew. But he had always stopped short of trying to force into their ranks. Perhaps that was mature, too.
Were his twenty years in the desert ending? Was he at last no longer the ignorant, left-behind butt of everyone's jokes? He had felt like a forgotten bystander at everyone else's Christmas. But now, with them all looking the other way, Father had stepped over to him with a conspiratorial smile to whisper: and for you, Felix, because you've waited longest, here is someone very special ... But don't shout about her.
No, he told himself quickly.
Don't be the impatient guy clutching at her while she holds you at bay. Don't be the cliché and embarrass yourself. If these really are the last steps, you needn't hurry. Just open up to her and let her come in her own time. Don't starve her, but give her a chance to want you ...
Still, he had to believe there was more than a chance that she would say yes, perhaps even ask him herself. How sweet that would be ... There was an army of consequences, he knew. But quiet confidence hat got him through a great deal before and he had rarely felt more of it than now.
"We should be OK," he said quietly. "If it comes to it."
And then there was the small matter of their bodies. There must be a reason everyone got so excited about that curious game ... He dimly recalled what it had been like to discover his own: what it did when and how to play it. Could he be that young again now? It seemed that he might have a whole new body to discover, so different from this one but just as lush and fresh, its matching equal: an armful of female mystery with her inside, smiling out at him through warm eyes ... if she trusted him that far ... No, she hadn't been fully trusting this morning. Perhaps not yet. But she had been so
real
. She had given him glimpses to outshine the daylight.
Would they taste each other? He grinned wryly, shaking his head at the size of the thought. He knew too little, but he was sure things didn't usually go that fast. Nor, on second thoughts, was he sure he wanted them to.
Precaution, though, was another matter. And that was why he had bought a handful of stretchy little items on his way home and quickly shoved them down his safest pocket. He reached inside to make sure they were still there. Stupid, really. They were trapped safely down there. But he knew he would make quite sure of them again before he left.
***
Night was falling and Felix was on his bike, the autumn wind's teeth at his nose and ears. He turned the corner to the long road his old school was at the other end of and felt his pulse rise another notch. Mere minutes from now ... He suddenly realised how fast he had been bicycling. Damn, he'd smell of sweat now. That was the effort of a cold shower wasted.
He hardly noticed the cold now, though darkness had descended to the horizon well before he had set out. It was only when he entered the drive to the schoolyard that he saw the high gates emerge from the night in front of him. He dismounted, hid his bike in the shrubs, and tried them. Locked. Well, what else to expect? ... Was there another way in? Not without a climb, he thought grimly. He checked the time. It was almost eight. She had probably arrived by now. But the Bear's Cave was on the other side of the building ...
"Theresa?"
Silence. He called again and listened, but heard only the small-town night.
He took a step back, then ran forward and jumped, caught hold of the gates near the hinges so as not to damage them, heaved himself over as quietly as possible, dropped down on the other side and looked around. He was keenly aware that he was out of bounds now.
Truly back, then
, he thought, grinning. School had been full of lines to toe and adventures beyond them. Spending the long break indoors had been strictly forbidden. But he had sometimes crept back in to wander the corridors, making them his home while there was no-one around to tease or bully him, listening to his young dreams while the quiet lasted ... until he heard the patrolling teacher's approach.
If ever the dark of the world came home to him and he needed to run or hide to save his life, the breaks had taught him far more than the lessons ... Childhood reprimands echoed up through the years as he began to circle the building.
Naughty Felix ...
Well
, he thought.
If she's made it here, so is she. And fit.
He made his way briskly towards the promised place. A day school at night was an odd place. It served no purpose but to persist until the morning while its children slept in their hundreds of beds around town. An alien landing in the yard would never have guessed at the life and chaos the still walls had seen hours before. Felix smiled at the contrast. It felt stronger for being a Friday night. No-one would come here for two and a half days now. This was a haven of peace where they could truly be by themselves for as long as it took, playing like children. Just not the same game.
He was walking past one well-known spot after another towards a completely unknown sort of meeting. There was his favourite lunchtime bench of old; there were the basketball hoops and ping-pong tables; there were the outhouse toilets you never used if you loved life ... He shook his head as he thought back to the thousands of days he had spent here in solitude, never imagining that he might one day return to end it at long, long last.
Three minutes later, he stood at the Bear's Cave.
Still no trace of her. The passage between the school wall and the trees was deserted. He started as an automatic light came on, feeling exposed in its sudden glare. It cast the bushes under the trees into sharp relief, their dense twigs now dazzling rods behind which anything might have hidden.
