Finding My Way Home

Part II.

From Part I: I returned from Afghanistan, having been shot in the shoulder and having two surgeries to repair it. I got out of the Army to help my mother who had bladder cancer and ran into the high school girl on whom I had had a crush. I found out she was a single mother of a young daughter and tried to ask her out, only to have her accuse me of treating her like someone who I thought couldn't take care of herself and needed to be saved.

Chapter 4. My mother?

19 September 2009

The bullets were thudding and zinging around us as SFC Garcia and I made our way around to the left flank of the attackers. There must have been a large number based on the amount of fire. We continued to work our way around and the rest of the platoon continued to try to fix the enemy and withstand the RPGs, the few mortar rounds, and the rifle fire they were sending at them. The good news was that the enemy had left an open flank for us to be able to get around and into a position where they were no longer under cover. We had open shots at many of them and they had to try to maneuver back thru the rocks without taking fire from either the rest of the platoon or Sergeant Garcia and I. It was not good for them, but Sergeant Garcia and I were able to start picking them off and making them retreat. I saw one of them turn to try to shoot us as he tried to exfiltrate back thru the rocks and I lined him up in my sights. I pulled the trigger and...

I jerked awake, lightly sweating, my breathing slightly elevated. The dream was not coming as often, but it was still there. I looked at the clock; 3am. Ugh! I lay back down, but it took a while to get back to sleep.

I didn't get up until much later that morning. It was Saturday and I had stayed out late after my meeting with Lily, going to a movie and then planting my ass in a bar stool to drink and watch sports. My mother said she was going to bed when I called, so I had stayed out way too late. I must have gotten home around 2am, and then had the dream at 3. I rolled out of bed around noon and walked into the kitchen. My mother was sitting there drinking coffee.

"Well, good morning sleepyhead."

"Morning." I opened the refrigerator and took out a Diet Pepsi. Some people have to have their caffeine via coffee; I took mine from diet soda. I had never taken to the taste of coffee.

After I poured a glass I turned and sat down. My mother was staring at me with a slight grin on her face. "Lily called this morning."

I perked up a little and my head jerked up toward my mother, but I tried not to be too obvious. "Yeah?"

"She told me that she blew up at you last night and wanted to apologize so you are supposed to call her when you get up. She's already at the café and wants you to come by."

"Okay." I sat there and drank my diet soda.

My mother continued to stare.

"What?"

She grinned. "You've still got a thing for her, don't you?"

I smiled at her. Nothing ever got past my mother. "I think it's just a wish to be young and naive again. I'm trying to fulfill some wishful thinking from a crush I had as a teenager. Unfortunately, you can't go back and relive the past. I don't know if I should do anything about her or not." I was lying and she knew it.

"Yeah, right. I saw your subtle reaction when I said that she called. You were hoping that she would."

"Okay, maybe. But it's still just wishful thinking."

My mother turned serious. "She's had a rough way to go and she was always such a beautiful person. I feel sorry for her. It's tough raising a child alone. You were ten when your father left so I know the deal. She's had to raise that one alone from the beginning. Her mother helps as much as she'll let her, but she still seems to want to martyr herself."

I chuckled. "Mom, you seem to know all about this. So why don't you tell me what I should do? Should I try to rekindle some teenage crush or not? Should I even bother going out with her? What do you think?"

She looked at me very seriously and I could see the wheels turning. "Well... I know you still find her attractive. I think you should try to break thru her façade and see what happens. You should see if you can make her at least consider living again. She seems so tense and angry at the world, and you can't do that forever."

I looked at her and decided to turn the tables on her. "And what about you, Mom? Did you ever try to get your own life back after dad left?"

She looked down at her hands. "Probably not as much as I should have." She looked up at me with a piercing stare. "That's why I want her to get on with her life. I know what happens. If you focus only on your child you wake up one day when they are gone and realize you're alone... and lonely."

I had never heard her talk this frankly about her own life before and she was making me feel bad. "I'm sorry I wasn't around more."

She smiled. "Don't be sorry. Mothers have always watched their children grow up and go off on their own. We want that. We want the best for our children and I could see that the military was very good for you. You grew up to be a man that every mother would be proud of." Tears came to her eyes so I went over and stood next to her chair and hugged her, holding her to my chest.

She let me hold her for a minute and then pulled back. She wiped her eyes. "I haven't been a recluse, you know. I do have friends."

I smiled and sat back down. "Yeah, okay, but why didn't you ever take your own advice and start dating again."

She looked at me and grinned. "Who says I didn't?"

I acted shocked. "Mom? You out on a date? Will wonders never cease."

She grinned. "Well, I'm older, but not dead. And there was sex, too."

That stopped me in my tracks. I put my hands over my ears. "Okay, too much information!"

She stuck her tongue out at me. "See, even your mother can still shock you."

I stood up and grinned at her. "I'm leaving. I can't stand these open discussions about your sex life."

I walked out of the kitchen to her laughter. Turning the tables didn't work so well and she had definitely shocked me. I guess we never think about our parent's sex lives... and for good reason. Ick!

I called Lily and she tried to apologize and I tried to tell her there was no reason, but she did so anyway. She asked me to come to the café for a late lunch and I agreed. I got there just after the main lunch crowd and sat in a booth near the side windows, staring out at the remains of a corn field. The café was the last building before hitting farmland having been built in response to the hospital and medical offices that had sprung up on the outskirts of this town.

Chapter 5. Lily makes nice.

I waited and the same cute little waitress came over. This time she was wearing a nametag and it told me her name was Cindy. She gave me a glass of water and a menu. She smiled. "I'll be right back." Then she grinned and whispered. "I'll tell Lily you're here." When I frowned at her she smirked. "Be good to her."

Okay... that was different. I hadn't even done anything with her yet except piss her off at the mall and I was getting this sort of attention? I decided on what I would order and put the menu down. The waitress came over.

"What can I get you?"

"I'll have the eggs over easy, bacon, home fries, and wheat toast." They served breakfast all day and I loved breakfast; the hell with eating well when you have a hangover.

"Anything to drink?"

"Diet Pepsi?" She nodded and turned to go. "Wait!" I stopped her and she turned back. "Why did you say that about me being good to Lily? I haven't seen her in years and we were just friends in high school. And where is she?"

She grinned. "She's in the back closing up her office. She had been filling in for a missing cook, but she found a temp for that. She's been running this place for a couple of years and we all like her. I've been here for two years. In all that time I've never seen her anxious about someone coming in. And a few minutes ago she went to the ladies room to fix her make-up; another first. Just be good to her."

"I have no intention of being anything but good to her." So she was running this place. That made a little more sense for someone who was as smart as she was.

As I said that I saw the waitress's eyes look over my shoulder. "Thank you, sir." She scampered off as I turned to see what she was looking at.

Lily strode up and sat down opposite me in the booth. She was no longer wearing the café garb if she had been at all. She was in a short black skirt and cream colored blouse with a black cardigan draped over her shoulders. She looked delectable. I wanted to eat her for lunch.

"Hi, Jon." She seemed a little sheepish.

"Hi, Lily. I'm glad you called."

She smiled and the wattage was definitely higher today. She appeared to be feeling better. "I didn't mean to go off on you like that last night. I've just been under a lot of pressure lately and raising a daughter alone is not easy. I guess I jumped to the conclusion that you were looking at me like some of the other yahoos around here, a woman who needs a man's help or a charity case that needs to be saved. I'm afraid you were just an easy mark for me to take out my frustration."

I shrugged. "Apology accepted. It's forgotten. That's what friends are for."

She smiled. "Okay, thanks." She brightened and seemed glad to get that over with. "You know, the café is usually a little empty between now and dinner, so we could go somewhere."

I looked at her. She had a little grin on her face, but I was trying to figure it out and where you could go in that small town.

She stood up. "C'mon, let's go." She stood up and waved at Cindy who seemed to understand immediately that she was to cancel my order.

I stood up and followed her out and she led me to my car. "Where are we going?"

"Out. C'mon, you'll see."

I followed her out and we went to my car. We got in and I looked at her. She grinned. "To the mall."

I stared at her. "The mall?"

"Yep."

I started the car and drove to the mall. The local mall was not far from the small towns in our area and was about 15 miles from St. Louis. It was an enormous 100+ store mall that drew people from all around the area.

Lily wouldn't tell me anything during the drive and when we got there she was still secretive about where we were going. Finally, we went into a Bennigan's. She asked the waitress where the Johnson party was and she led us to the back of the booths. Sitting there waiting for us was Ted, an old friend of mine from high school that I played baseball with, John, the guy I used to hang out with at the local fast food place, and two women. I smiled and Ted and John jumped up to give me a hug, both of them hurting my shoulder and causing me to wince.

"I am shocked." I turned to Lily. "Thanks for this." I gave her a brief hug and then Ted and John introduced me to their wives. I hadn't seen either of these guys since graduation. I was surprised that Lily even knew about them. I was also shocked that she had taken a chance on me coming over or being able to meet her here in time to see them. But it turned out well.

We ate and had a couple of drinks and I really enjoyed the company. When we were done, we left after exchanging phone numbers and headed back to my car. When we got to it I went with Lily around to the passenger side of the car. I stopped her, took her into my arms, well my one good arm anyway, and kissed her. It was a surprise to her at first, but she relaxed and let me kiss her. I kissed her for about 15 seconds and she kissed me back. It was everything I had hoped it would be and I got an instant erection.

When we pulled back, Lily smiled at me and glanced down at the indication of my erection, which was causing a noticeable bulge in my pants. I had hoped she hadn't noticed. "Looks like you really do have a crush on me."

I looked at her a little sheepishly, a little embarrassed. "Sorry."

She just grinned, turned to open the door, and I let her. I got in on my side and turned to her. "Lily. I want to take you out. I want to 'date' you." I quoted the word date with my hands. "Whatever it takes to get to know you and find out who you are now."

She looked at me, appearing to think about it. "I think I'd like that."

"And thanks for tracking down my friends." I couldn't stop smiling at her. A teenager's wish was finally coming true.

She grinned at me. "I do remember some things. And, of course, they are at the café pretty regularly since they are locals. I found out who they were one day from your mother when she was in there eating after visiting her doctor and so it was easy to track them down. It was just my way of apologizing for last Friday."

"Thanks."

I smiled and drove her back to the café, thinking all the way back how lucky I was to get to relive this portion of my life. We got out and went inside. I waited until we were in there when I remembered that we hadn't set up the time for the first date. "Wait!" I reached out and touched her arm. "When can we go on our first date?"

"How about Thursday? I have someone else closing up the café."

"Cool! Pick you up at your house?"

"That's fine. 6pm? I need to get back fairly early because I open on Friday morning."

"That's fine."

Before she left me, she leaned in toward me and whispered. "You can't seem to wipe that smile off your face. I think that's the best compliment anyone's ever given me." She kissed me on the cheek and turned to go.

I think I smiled all the way home.

Chapter 6. Oh, no. Buck!

22 September 2009

The next week was busy as I decided to go thru a lot of the items in my room and the attic and cull out the trash. I organized what was left and at the same time took care of my mother. My mother's next appointment was on Tuesday of that week and I took her in so that I could visit the café. When I got there I again sat in Cindy's area and she told me that Lily was off that day doing shopping and visiting with her family. To say I was disappointed is an understatement. Cindy could see it.

"Don't worry. She's interested."

"Interested in what?" The question by Cindy seemed to come out of nowhere.

"A relationship with you." She grinned.

"You sure?"

Cindy laughed and it was a good laugh. "She's been smiling more, she's been nicer, and she's walking around humming ever since you asked her out. She's definitely looking forward to it."

I smiled broadly. "Thanks."

Cindy leaned over and said quietly, but with a smirk, "Just be good to her, okay?"

I laughed. "I already told you I'll be nothing but good to her."

I ate there and took my mother home. Thursday could not come soon enough.

24 September 2009

Unfortunately, on Thursday afternoon I had an appointment with a doctor to discuss my 'dreams'. He was supposedly a specialist in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

"So, Jon, tell me about any stressful situations you've been in and how you feel being back in the real world."

I stared at him. What the fuck did he know about anything except the real world? "Well, I've had the dream about my actions in Afghanistan a couple of times, but only portions of it now. I don't dream the entire action. I also don't have much stress in my life, so I don't feel like I have PTSD at all. I'm not working or going to school. I decided to take a couple of months off and watch over my mother."

He looked at me carefully. "That's good, Jon. You haven't shown any serious signs of it, but we have to do these routine follow-ups. Anything you want to discuss? Do you miss the military, the weapons, the fighting?"

"I miss the military and my men. The military is a big family with, as we call it, a shared suck. We all pay the price in some way for our service, but we love it and we stick together. I miss my men because you can't go thru something like that without getting close."

We danced around some other subjects and he asked about my integration back into civilian life. After about 45 minutes we were about finished. My final statement was again about missing military life.

"Military life is so different. It's dangerous, has long hours, is difficult even when not in combat, but it's a work-hard, play-hard sort of thing and you never forget the bonds formed."

He nodded and looked at me thoughtfully. "Well said. I feel the same way."

I stared at this old guy. "You?"

"Of course. I got my initial education in Viet Nam."

I looked at him again. He really did know what it was like to take hostile fire. That made him much more palatable – for a shrink. "That's interesting. I'm glad I didn't get some bookworm with no sense for what a fighting man has gone thru."

He chuckled. "Just remember that they are well educated bookworms and are generally very good at their jobs. You were just unlucky enough to get an old soul with a desire to continue to help the military."

"Well, I wouldn't say that was unlucky for me. Thanks, doc."

When I left, he told me that he didn't think the dreams would last much longer and that from my conversations and discussions I didn't show any signs of PTSD.

Later that day, I picked Lily up and we went to dinner at a restaurant in the next town. They were supposed to have excellent food, and they did, it was just very heavy stuff; all meat and potato dishes. We ate and really had a wonderful time. We discussed ourselves a little as she failed to say anything about Buck other than saying that he had left. She couldn't stop gushing about Lauren. I finally laughed and she stared at me.

"What are you laughing at?"

"You can't stop talking about your daughter, just like all the other moms. It amazes me how much mothers love their children. It sometimes makes me sad to be a man and never carry and give birth to a baby. You guys have a closeness that is amazing."

She giggled. "Have a baby, huh?"

I chuckled. "I said sometimes I think about it. That doesn't mean that I ever want to feel the pain that you guys go thru."

She smiled at me, watching the way I spoke. "So like a man. You'd rather take a bullet than have a baby." I knew she was ribbing me.

"Amen to that!"

I couldn't stop smiling the rest of the night. It was one of the most relaxed and enjoyable dates I had ever been on. When I took her home, I parked behind her car in the driveway and got out quickly. I hustled around to her side and opened her door for her. She looked at me with surprise in her eyes.

"Nobody does that anymore."

I grinned. "Well, I just disproved that, didn't I?" I put out my hand and walked her to the door. She stopped and got out her keys. She put them in and turned the lock. She started to open the door, but turned to face me.

"I'm not going to invite you in."

I looked at her. I could see her indecision and I really wanted to go in, but I deferred to her better judgment. "I understand."

She looked at me closely. "Do you?"

I looked at her with a slight frown. "Well, we just met after all this time and we don't know each other well...."

She interrupted me. "No, that's not it. I can see and I've always known that you were one of the good guys. I would love to 'get involved' with you, but I have to be careful because I'm a single mother with a very impressionable daughter."

"Oh, okay." What else could I say to that?

She then leaned in and grabbed me by the collar. She smiled and leaned toward me as she pulled me down by my collar to kiss me. I returned it. It was just a small 3 second kiss with no tongue, but she held her lips against mine tenderly and I loved it. She pulled away and looked up at me. She seemed a little shocked at how it felt. Then she smiled.

"That was nice."

"I think so, too. More?"

She laughed and gave me a little jab in the chest. "Don't push your luck."

"Can I take you out again?"