Family Isn't Blood - Fred's Life

Since Zophia and I were living together again, we were to keep our own checking accounts, and we would have a common one for house bills. Somehow, she she forgot about her own account, and put her direct deposit into the common one. I gave up and closed my old account.

It was my self appointed task to pay the bills. Zophia could also have easily done that too, but I wrestled it away from her grasp. Of the two of us, I'm the cheaper pollock. My parents came through the depression on the low side, so it was genetically drilled into me. I've never had excess cash and have always lived below my means. Paying the bills is not a control issue, it is a monitoring issue. Find out the little changes before they become big problems.

I was paying the phone bill. We get the house phone, internet, no cable, and our cell phones bundled. I was forced to get internet because Zophia required it for work. I would not budge over cable. We don't watch that much TV, and the free channels, with 6 different English PBS stations and a local Polish channel are good enough.

I was paying the phone bill and noticed that it was over $10 higher than normal. A week ago on the last day of the billing, there is a 40 minute call to Florida. It was on a night I was at Cathy's, a call to Rita. I only recognized it because I saw Cathy's cell phone one day when Rita called.

This was odd and I was not going to say anything right away. I have not heard anything out of Cathy that would say trouble. All I overheard was that she was not feeling ok, but thought it was the flu. I decided to not do anything. What ever was going to happen, I would find out about it sooner or later.

Two days later, Zophia gave me a glass of wine and asked me to sit down, we have to talk. Ask any guy, the 'we have to talk' line is never very good. So I decided to start off first. "Is this when you are going to tell me that you've spoken to Rita?" There was look of shock on her face, "But yes, how did you know? Have you spoken with Cathy?"

"Zophia remember, I pay the bills and we use our cells for long distance calls. I know that she has called here a few times. I don't answer and she never leaves a message. I never gave her my new cell number after the divorce, and I guess that Cathy hasn't either. But 40 minutes is a long time to just say hello. What gives?"

"Fryderyk, are you going to be ok with this?" I nodded and she continued. "I saw that number a couple of time the week before, and after I would answer it, the caller always hung up. I was getting a bit peeved, thinking it was that idiot robocaller for lowering my interest rate. You know, if someone answers, the machine knows it's a live number, and you're put in the queue. Since Snowden, we know everybody can find out what ever you do electronically. Couldn't they just string up those guys that laugh at the do-no-call list. Sorry, I got two of those calls today at work and it ticked me off."

"Well anyway, I looked on-line and that number was not tagged for those jerks. So the next time I answered, and was hung up, I autodialed back. That's why it was on the bill."

"Not knowing who it was, I was not belligerent. I just asked why they were calling and hanging up. Who did they want to speak to? I heard a frail, hesitating voice asking to speak with you. She said that she was Cathy's mother and wanted to speak with you about Cathy. She didn't want to cause any problems and was sorry about disturbing me. She was going to hang up, but I kept her on the line. I realized that she had a story to tell, an important one."

"Fryderyk, are you still ok with this? I know you walked away from her several years ago, but I still see the wounds in you. I know that this might be very hard for you, but it's about your daughter too. Can you stay with me on this, can you trust me on this one? Please?"

The one thing in my life that has been constant, is that I trust the people that I love. Maybe it was not always a well placed trust, but it's how I go through life. I've trusted Zophia since we moved in together the first time, and now, the second time. This was going to be painful, I felt it in my bones. But she mentioned Cathy, and now, I knew it was not about me, it was now about us. I nodded yes again, and leaned forward to hear.

"Rita's cancer has returned. As you know, she has been cancer free since her surgery 8 years ago, but it came back. She's not hopeful this time. Cathy knows that her mother has not been feeling well, they still do the Google video with the grandchildren each week. But no one up here, except us, knows the extent."

I remember what we went through when she found a lump so long ago. The stress to her, Cathy and I was almost overwhelming. I lost my job during that time, and I kept everyone going by raiding my 401K and selling the house to Larry. We got through it. I kept emotionally supporting those two while I got some support from Larry and Angelka.

In the end, she got better and kept it going with Paul. That can't ever be erased. I never looked for an apology from her, never got one either. Now she was on to her next meal ticket and who ever else she could bed with. Still, probably different people, but no longer my problem.

Funny thing about divorces with children, you never really totally break away from each other. The children and the grandchildren give cause for interactions.

I was lucky, Rita left town. She didn't show up for the grandchildren's birthdays or Christmas get togethers. She would come back to town once a year in the summer, stay with Cathy for a week and then go back to Florida. I was scarce that week, and Rita would end up seeing some of the family. They kept their contacts going with her. Not as warm as before, but not cold or excluding. Life went on.

Zophia knew me well enough that she could guess what I was thinking about. We had spoken about Rita several times before, usually while she was massaging the stress out of my shoulders. Probably the only way I could talk about it, being touched and relaxed by somebody that I loved and honestly loved me back.

Zophia is the outsider in this issue. I knew that she could see clearly, more clearly than I could, and I trusted her lead. I looked at her and asked, "Do you know what she wants from me?"

"Fryderyk, first off, she wants to talk with you about Cathy. She said that if that is all she gets, she will be happy. Will you at least do that?"

"Zophia, I'm getting the feeling from you that it's going to be me telling her that her mother has cancer again. Am I right?

Zophia nodded then added, "I heard that, but that was underneath all she said. But I also heard more things, things that were not said directly. I think that she is feeling that she is not going to make it. She did not say this directly, but I think that she wants to talk with you about your marriage, and what she did."

That part was a bit of a shock to me. In effect, Rita rarely demonstrated that she cared about what I thought or felt, and now possibly approaching her demise, it's important? I was shaking my head no when I looked at Zophia. She held my hand and waited.

I didn't go off in a tirade, but I could have. I could have put it all behind me for Cathy's sake, but I didn't. I needed to come to terms with it myself. This was a long 5 minutes, but I never let go of that hand, it kept me grounded.

"Before the birth of little freddie, I told Cathy that she needed to write thank you notes to all the people that gave her baby shower gifts, both sides. I told her she needed to step up to the plate. Not only did she write the notes, but she asked each one, in her own hand, to forgive her. When I found out about it, I knew that I wouldn't have had the courage to do that." I stroked Zophia's hand, "Do you know when the best time to call Rita may be?"

The next day at her local time of 7 PM I called from my cell. A familiar voice answered. She was sounding like she was going to be confronting some phone sales jerk. All I said was hello, and I received silence in reply.

It took a bit of time until I heard something. "Fred, I didn't think you'd call. Sorry, but I'm a bit" and she paused for the word, but the word never came out. I said, "How are you doing Rita?" and she just started to cry. She never really broke down very often in our marriage. Instead, she would always get angry at who ever, what ever and stomp off. We all had ways to protect ourselves. I kept my anger in my shoulders. It's getting a bit better for me now, but I still do that.

I waited for her and asked over her crying if it would be better if I would call back in an hour or so. When I assured her I would, we hung up. Zophia was with me during this time and gave me a hug, and wiped a tear from my eye. Doing the right thing is not always painful, just most of the time.

When I called back, she was more prepared. She was not her usual belligerent and angry self, but subdued. I asked her why she called, and she said it was going to be about Cathy. That is when I told her to take her time and please tell me about it. I was here to listen to her.

Somehow, I don't think that she expected something as open ended, non-aggressive or non-defensive from me. All during this call, she heard my interest and lack of judgment, as much as I could honestly give. The years apart did help me to move on, but with the support sitting at my side, I was also able to put things away that I had been carrying around with me.

She told me about the cancer reoccurring, that the tumor size was estimated now to be at 3 cm. She knew that 3 cm is not always fatal, but could easily be. The big question was if it metastasized.

That was when she began to open up. "Fred I'm scared. Scared like I was before, only worse, so much worse than before. Being scared for me alone is one thing. That I can handle. I caused so much trouble in your life, but now you have your own much better life. Both Cathy and Zophia have said that you are doing so much better than when we were together." I was going to say something, but realized that I needed to stay quiet now. "But Cathy and the two little ones, and Mike, even Mike I've gotten to know on a new level. You have done wonders with our daughter, you did right by her. You repaired the damage I did to her. She is no longer twisted by my craziness. Fred, she has been helping me to repair my damaged life."

Zophia was looking at me, wide eyed. I was in shock and she saw it on my face. She could not hear what Rita said, but knew that things were never going to be the same after this phone call. Better or worse, she didn't know, but it would never the same.

"So now I have a good relationship with my daughter and son-in-law. My grandchildren see me weekly on the computer. I have not been able to talk to Cathy about this. I'm sure she would listen and be supportive of me, but I cannot bring my self to tell her without loosing it."

"Rita, don't you have others around you for that support? I will do what I can, but what about you? What about your local support."

Then I heard a bit of resigned chuckling. "Fred, this is Florida, where people go to live the rest of their lives, and die. They die quick and they die slow and they die unexpected, but they die all the time. The retiree that I came down here for lasted over 18 months when a quick heart attack took him. If you have to go that is a great way to go, rare, but quick."

"The competition for unattached men here is fierce. The other thing is that his death took something out of me. He provided me with the security that I needed. I didn't make the same mistake with him that I did to you. One of the things that Cathy did for me was to buy that style of alarm clock that I was videoed with. On the one visit here that she had with me, she set it up in our bedroom. I got to see it every day."

"I know that it was not just a clock, it was a reminder of what I had done wrong. As I said, our daughter helped me. All I have down here are other widows and divorcees that help one another. I haven't got the nerve to share my shame with them. I'm so sorry I screwed up our lives and the life of our daughter. Thank you for helping to correct what I had done to you both." With that said, she started to cry again. Cry is not the correct term, wailed is closer to it.

I sat back and listened. Never expected an admission of anything from her, just expected more denial, giving grief, rage and anger. Now I'm hearing her caring about someone else, an apology, showing her own weakness, acknowledgement of her damaging actions, and finally, growth. It was over 5 minutes until she regained composure enough to talk again. I did not try to smooth anything over for her, but I did let her know that I was still there, listening.

Then I asked what she would like me to do. She hesitated. In fact, she started and stopped several times before she was able to put her thoughts into words. "I want to come back north for treatment. I need people around me, I know that physically I can't do this alone. I would love to be in Cathy's apartment with her. I'm sure she would agree. But I think that would be to much to ask of anyone."

"Could you find a small place nearby her that I could stay at that would be very affordable? I don't have the cash to support much. It does not have to be nice, just a place to stay. I'll scrape together what ever for furniture. I'm sure Mike could hit garage sales for me to furnish it."

Then she paused, "One last thing, could I talk with you again? I don't want to get into your life. You've moved on, I've tried to respect that for these years. But I would like to speak with you."

"Rita, I'll get to work on your first request. I know a couple of people that may be able to help. How open are you to have a roommate? That would make things less expensive all around." I heard a yes, and then I continued, "When are you going to talk with Cathy about your condition and your plans?"

This time her voice was bit stronger. "I'd like to talk with her on Saturday, when we Google video." "Rita, would you like me to be there with her," I paused, "and you?" "Yes, Fred, thank you. Please thank Zophia for listening to me too." We talked for a few minutes and said our good byes and hung up.

Zophia looked at me. "Fred, what happened?" I started chuckling, "You mean that besides that my ex-wife is returning to Chicago for cancer treatment, that I'm going to find her a place to live near Cathy's place because she knows she shouldn't impose on her daughter, that she is scared shitless, and I hope both you and I will be at Cathy's on Saturday to support both Cathy and Rita when the illness and relocation news comes out, that Rita has actually and truthfully acknowledged the shit of a person she has been, and finally, that my daughter has been successfully helping my ex-wife to become a better person. You mean, besides all that? Other than that, not much. What are we going to have for dinner tomorrow?"

That was when she hit me, then hugged me tightly. "Fryderyk, when we were sitting here after your birthday party, I heard your story of everything from Mike's discovery to the newest grandchild. I told you that you had just told me who you were, by your actions. You are an amazing man Fryderyk. I can see why your daughter and everyone else is so proud of you. I know how hard this was, but I heard what she had to say, and I know who you are. I knew you would stand up straight. You were never a mean and nasty person. I didn't say you have forgiven her, but as I learned from everyone here since I came back. No one is allowed to resign from this family."

The next day, I made a couple of phone calls, including Maria and Marek. Rita was probably going to need some social and medical services and I wanted to be aware of what I should expect before it was needed.

On Saturday, Zophia and I just happened to arrive just after the Google video session started. From the time we entered the apartment, it took about 5 seconds for Cathy to figure out that something bad happened. It was confirmed when Rita greeted Zophia and I after we said hello to the grandchildren. Her parents speaking to one another, her greeting Zophia by name. They have never met or even seen pictures of each other, something was up.

Cathy took the news as well as could be expected. She had been through this before. I relayed what I had done so far, and what the next steps were.

Cathy protested without consulting Mike, she wanted her mother with her. I saw his discomfort, but it was my turn to talk. "Cathy, this is the way your mother wants it. Remember, she saw me take care of my parents when they were declining. It would put tremendous pressure on your marriage if she were living here. Being close by is good enough. If I can find her a room mate, then we will know that she would not be totally alone, like she is in Florida. I'm sure we all will reevaluate things as time goes on. Can you be OK with this for now? We have doctors to line up, can you call your medical friends and see who you can come up with in oncology?"

I knew that she had the medical contacts. Her mother and I gave her something to do, something perhaps most valuable to do. Something very real, that she could feel that she was taking care of her mother. She agreed.

After the signoff, Mike took the grandchildren in to another room, but sat off to the side to be part of the conversation. Cathy looked at me, "What happened? You have not spoken to her in years, and today, both of you," she was looking at Zophia, "are like old friends. What happened?"

Zophia spoke up, "Cathy, you do know that no one is allowed to resign from this family, don't you? They can take a leave of absence, like me for 30 years, but no one is allowed to resign. If you show up, you're back in."

"She called your father a couple of times, but he would see the number and not answer. She never left a message. When I started to get the calls and the hang ups, I called her back. So I restarted this whole bit. It took me a bit, but I heard enough of her story. I knew your father's feelings, but I also know who your father is."

"The funny thing Cathy, your father brought up your courage when you stepped up to the plate after your shower. You tried to set things right. You did something that he thought he never felt he would have had the courage to do. That is one of the things that propelled him on this week, you."

"Your father also said that Rita told him you were helping her to be a better person. You made the difference. She acknowledged much of what she did, and that made the difference for your father. He could have done a couple of small things to help you, and begged off after that. I can see now he is in for the long haul."

"You are your father's daughter, your grandfather's granddaughter too. You just paid it forward without expecting anything in return, just like him. That's the boat we're all in now, are you OK with that?" That's when Cathy started to tear up. Cathy looked at Zophia, Mike and me, "Like I have a choice to be OK with all of this? Thank you." She smiled and reached out for a hug. This was going to be a wild ride, our world changed.

Never underestimate my daughter, or her stubbornness. In two days, she canvassed her medical friends, researched the top five recommendations, got an appointment for Thursday at one of them, got her mother's medical records transferred electronically and by fed-ex, bought her mother a one-way ticket for Wednesday morning, and put both kids into the same bedroom, and set up a twin bed for Rita. By the way, Mike was fully supporting her on this.

Cathy got her mother on the fast track. For the next two weeks no medical personnel, doctor, nurse, technician or receptionist was allowed to put off, delay, wait or slow down the process in any way. She was insistent and direct. Cathy has the European directness, no venom and no tact, unless someone was not doing their job. Then they would be confronted with an escalation of directness. She had no problem going up a single level. If the answer was not satisfactory, she immediately requested their supervisor info, and would call. I'm glad she has never taken me to task.