Escaping Her Past

"Hold the lift!"

It had been a long shift and I had worked two hours overtime. I just wanted to get home to a long shower, but of course I put my hand in front of the closing doors and delayed my departure by a few seconds.

"Thanks so much! Dinner break?"

"Just finishing." I really was not in a mood to talk and knowing I had held the door for Greg, or Dr Hottie as all my colleagues called him was just another tick in the list of bad things that had happened to me that day.

My car had not started so I needed to get a taxi to work. We were three nurses down, two of the casual nurses they assigned to us had not worked on our ward before and I was paired with one the one that had. She was nice enough but did not do a lot of work and made it clear she was there to perve on the young doctors, especially Dr Hottie. In staying back, I had been there as Mrs Wilson had died. It had been expected, but she had been a beautiful patient, loved by many on the ward.

"Bad day?"

"Pope a Catholic?"

"Thanks for all you did for Mrs Wilson, she really was one of a kind. I was glad knowing she had you assigned to her this shift as I knew it would be soon."

I was taken aback by these comments. Dr Hottie had never spoken to me before except when I questioned a medication order or asked to have something recharted. It wasn't that I disliked him per se, but I was very wary of his charming manner.

"She was a lovely one, that's for sure."

"So," the lift doors opened, and I went to leave, "It's been a crap day, how about we grab a drink and debrief a little?"

My mind was racing. As colleagues we often debriefed, but usually us nurses would just stick together.

"You know what, I'd murder a gin and tonic after the shit show I've had today, why not?" I could hardly believe these words were escaping my mouth. This was not who I usually was, however, I also knew how cathartic a debrief could be.

I had been single for over five years after a disastrous relationship with Mick, my mechanic. For the last four years at least, I had tried to forget about him, but my distrust of men shone through in most of my interactions with them. I was unsure why I had agreed to a drink with this handsome doctor, perhaps it was simply that I did need to vent a little.

"Well, if you're chasing a gin, I take it you know of

Ginny's

in Main Street, they do the best dirty martinis and have a huge selection of gins!" Dr Hottie suggested.

"I don't go out much to be honest, but if you say so."

"Sweet! I'll meet you there."

"Fuck!" I exclaimed out loud as he walked away making him turn around, "I'm sorry Doctor, but my car wouldn't start this morning and I had to catch a cab, Could I, um..."

"Hey, let's start over! Hi, I'm Greg Braithwaite, looks like you've had a bad day, let me take you for a drink!" said Greg holding out his hand.

"Chloe Michaelson, and yes, a debrief sounds good." I made sure I focussed on the debrief part of the time together and not the heading out for drinks together. It was easier that way.

We walked to the carpark and I was surprised when Greg opened the door to a car of a similar vintage to mine- made last century with faded paintwork, no central locking or any mod cons I would have expected in a doctor's car.

"This is Matilda," Greg said opening my door with the key, "She's the special lady in my life."

"I've never understood why cars are considered female," I mused.

"Well because they can be temperamental at times, but if you tune them properly then they can purr like a kitten for many, many years if you treat them right."

"If you say so," I laughed. It was my first laugh of the day. "I must admit I am a little surprised at your transport, I mean the other nurses don't call you Dr Hottie for nothing and Matilda doesn't really fit the bill for a dashing young doctor!"

"Don't Listen to her, Matilda!" Greg laughed back, "And please, don't you start on all the Dr Hottie crap!"

We drove in silence and Greg found a park about a block from the bar. I was conscious I was still in my scrubs so took off my ID tags and badges and buttoned up my cardigan hiding the shirt underneath.

Greg ordered two gin and tonics and I found us a secluded table in an area full of greenery.

"Tell me something good about your day." Greg started.

"I was glad I could be with Mrs Wilson as she died and help console her daughter. To know that she had three of her four children die before her breaks my heart, but to live to 97 is no mean feat, especially as she lived at home until her stroke a month ago."

"You know she married twice, don't you?" I didn't know this. "One of the first times I met her she told me her first husband had died in the war. His friend had chased her for some years, and she told me 'I finally relented and I'm glad I did because he was an amazing lover!'"

"Oh, shit! I can't imagine the lovely Mrs Wilson talking like that!"

"She had such a twinkle in her eye as she told me! That was of course before her second stroke last week. So, what were some challenges today then?"

"Well my car wouldn't start, I was almost late for work and then I was paired with Mindy, who happens to be one the chief members of your fan club."

"The short blonde stick-insect?"

"I try not to describe women based on their appearance, but the casual nurse who often gets sent to our ward with blonde hair and a small uniform, who insists on wearing a blouse and skirt instead of scrubs like the rest of us."

"See, my 'stick-insect' and your 'small uniform' say similar things!"

"Yeah, but you noticed she's short, skinny, blonde, and bubbly! The patients love her, but I'm always having to remind her to do things and follow up when she hasn't actually done her job."

"Have you told anyone?"

"Well, no..."

"Well then there is something you can perhaps do! Does Cathy know?" Cathy was our Nurse Unit Manager.

"I haven't spoken to her about it."

"But this, Mindy was it? She's jeopardising patient care?"

"Probably, but I don't know. I like to document as I go, but I know other nurses who prefer to leave it to the end of the shift and tick all the boxes then."

"And what happens when they get called away for an emergency and there has been no documentation?"

"I suppose."

"You know! I remember my first year as a doctor at another hospital, there was a nurse who was struck off because she did not document properly and ended up in a Coronial Inquiry. Perhaps Mindy doesn't realise this?"

"She is young, and I don't think she has a lot of experience."

"She'd be your age, surely? What this would be your third, fourth year out?"

"Flattery will get you everywhere! I turn thirty in six months and have been out eight years now."

"Have you always worked on the stroke ward?"

"I did part of my grad year there and loved it. I did the second part on a surgical ward and hated it! Cathy was glad when I asked her if I could come back at the end of the year. I spent some time on the gynae ward, but never mind."

"So, you're one of the senior nurses now then."

"Try telling Palka and Mateo and Dianne who have been working for two to three times as long as me!"

"Palka is burnt out, Mateo is going through a rough divorce and Dianne could have all the experience in the world, but she'll never be as good a nurse as you!"

"You seem to know a lot about the nursing staff on the ward!"

"I like to know my patients are being taken care of, now back to Mindy, it means you are one of the senior nurses and you need to let Cathy know. Chloe, you're an excellent nurse. I've only worked with you this year since moving here, but you show empathy to people and you don't suffer fools gladly!"

"And how was your day?" I asked Greg.

"Yeah, not too bad. I had to pull up Sofia again when she mischarted insulin again. I know it's her first few months of being a doctor, but she's all deer in the headlights all the time."

"She went beet red when Mr McKenzie offered to show her his inflamed foreskin. I had to suggest she didn't fall for that trick and told the old bugger off for tormenting the young doctors, reminding him he was circumcised!"

"He's going home at the end of the week thank heavens-- he keeps asking me which of the nurses, well, never mind!"

We sat and talked of work and colleagues for an hour or so. Greg was easy to talk to. He was devilishly handsome with dark wavy hair that he tied in a small ponytail at the back of his head and a neat beard that almost hid his smile at times. The tortoiseshell glasses that framed his blue eyes gave him an aura of intelligence. The nickname of Dr Hottie was apt- he was definitely tall dark and handsome.

"How about I drive you home and have a look at your car for you?"

"You don't have to- it's probably due for the wreckers. I haven't had it serviced in over five years now so it's my own fault."

"My dad's a mechanic and I know a bit about cars. I'll see if it's anything obvious and you can take it from there."

Conversation flowed on the drive to my place. Greg told me about his parents Jack and Olympia and his sister, Evie. They all lived down south, but Greg had chosen to move to come to our hospital specifically for our Stroke Ward and the program we ran. Evie was a beautician who had recently married Garth, a plumber who was more than happy to take on Evie's daughter, Olivia who Evie had when she was eighteen.

"So, you don't come from a long line of doctors then like Dr Charters?"

"David, not to be confused with Dave his son! No! I'm the first in my family to go to university."

"Me too. Mum and Dad split when I was five or six. Dad was in real estate and lots of other women besides mum. Mum married Carlo when I was fourteen and I have two younger brothers, Joe and George who are in high school. They live on the other side of town."

"Do you keep in touch with your father?"

I explained the story of how he tried to buy me off with presents and visits to amusement parks and the like, but once Carlo arrived on the scene he virtually disappeared and made no attempt to keep in contact. To me, Carlo was my father now, not the bastard who had inseminated my mother and promised to love her and her only in front of their family and friends at a church wedding, only to break his vows over and over again.

We pulled up at my unit complex. It wasn't much, but it was mine, well, mine and the bank's. I showed Greg my car in the garage. It was not turning over at all when I put the key in, just clicking.

"Well you've got oil, and the radiator is fine, sounds like the battery or more likely the starter motor." Greg grabbed a screwdriver and tapped at something in the engine. "Try it now."

I did and it turned over and started.

"Yep- it's the starter motor. I can replace it for you this weekend if you want, I'm not working. I wouldn't drive it if I were you though, it will probably fail again."

"I'll find a mechanic, it's ok."

"Seriously, Chlo, I like tinkering with cars. I'll take you to the auto shop and I'll let you buy the parts and then I'll just twist a few screws and put it in- piece of cake!" Greg was insistent.

"Um, no, thanks, but no. Thanks for the drink and the debrief and the lift, but no. Um. I'll see you at work."

I threw the garage door down behind us, opened my door and rushed inside, dissolving into a pool of tears. He had called me Chlo. That was what Mick called me and it reminded me that although Greg was a colleague and despite his good looks and charm, he was a man and, in my mind, just like Mick and my father.

Sleep did not come easily. I considered calling in sick, but remembered we were still likely to be down staff again and I would simply be adding to the burden. I had arranged a lift with Nicole, one of my colleagues who was always bright and bubbly.

"That shit-box of yours died again?"

"Yeah, it's the starter motor. Greg came and looked at it last night."

"Greg as in Dr Hottie?"

"Yeah, Dr Greg, why?"

"I didn't realise you two were close!"

"We're not! We finished work at the same time yesterday, rode the lift together and he invited me to debrief with him over a G&T which I desperately needed after the shift I'd had. Because my car had broken down, he offered to look at it for me. There's definitely no closeness there!"

"Whatever! I wonder what his pole of pleasure is like- I haven't told Rod, but I do wonder how they compare!" Rod was Nicole's husband and a nurse on another ward at the hospital.

"Well if you find out, don't bother telling me, because I seriously am not interested."

"I'll never find out unless someone tells me, Rob keeps me satisfied enough and I don't need to look elsewhere, but I still wonder at times! Look, I get my car serviced at MKs Mechanical, they do an ok job."

"No, I am definitely not taking it there." I shut down the conversation and pretended I was reading emails on my phone.

"You'd be a cute couple!" Nicole tried, "Imagine your kids with both of you having those piercing blue eyes!"

I told Nicole that was never going to happen. Nicole had started working with us only a couple of years before and did not know about my past. I preferred to keep it that way. I kept staring at my phone almost wishing I had social media accounts to look at.

"Sorry, I just assumed you were into men, that's bad of me. I'm usually more open minded."

"I'm not gay." I kept looking at my phone and Nicole shut up.

We were again staff down and Mindy had been assigned to me again. I told her that Mrs Wilson had died shortly after she left but she seemed to have forgotten which patients she had cared for the previous day and Mrs Wilson had not stuck in her mind. I tried to put myself in Mindy's shoes going from ward to ward most days and not often getting any continuity, but I still would have assumed she would remember the lady who was close to death the day before.

"I love working on this ward because everyone is so nice, I mean, just look at the doctors- Dr Hottie is amazing and Sofia is so much fun- we went out clubbing last weekend, she was wasted!"

I explained to Mindy my concerns from the day before, but her attitude was she went from ward to ward and no one else had any issues with her work, plus she reminded me she was casual and assumed casual nurses could get away with things. I was at a loss with her attitude. As soon as Cathy arrived for work, I made a beeline for her office and told her of my concerns with Mindy.

"Thanks for letting me know, Chloe, I'll let her nurse managers know as well. You aren't the first to bring this to my attention either. How's things?"

"You know, same old, same old!"

"No, really, how are you?"

"I'm tired from working a couple of extra hours yesterday and I didn't sleep well last night."

"Are you having flashbacks again?"

"Not really. Greg called me Chlo yesterday and I freaked."

"Greg Braithwaite?"

"Yeah. He offered to fix my car for me and called me Chlo and I lost it, even after all these years."

"Be kind to yourself. Are you still seeing the counsellor?"

"Yeah, I emailed last night and asked for an appointment later this week. I'll swap a shift if I have to."

"No need, you can take a sick day if you need to, it's what they're there for. I've been meaning to catch you too, when do you finish your masters?"

"Last November..."

"And you didn't tell me? There's a senior position on the ward just advertised and I want you to apply for it. You are a solid nurse Chloe Michaelson and despite all you have endured, I know you will be perfect for the role."

I thought about Cathy's proposal, but was not sure I should apply. Technically I had been out for eight years, but there had been the interruption. It was easier for me to name the episode as a career interruption rather than what it really was. I knew without the support of Cathy and few of my other colleagues there was no way I would ever have returned to my job. I'd still be locked in my room, curled in the foetal position.

Over lunch I checked my emails and discovered Jill, my therapist could fit me in on Thursday evening meaning I would not have to swap shifts. I had managed to avoid Greg all day, offering to shower those patients that needed assistance and letting Mindy stay on the floor to flirt with him as she so enjoyed doing.

"There you are! I've been hunting for you all day."

"Sorry, it's been busy. I spoke to Cathy about what we discussed. Thanks."

"All good. I did some research, Chlo and I can get a new starter..."

"Please, don't call me that. My name is Chloe." I tried hard to keep it together. "Mindy, I'm just popping to the loo, then you can go to lunch."

I managed to hold myself together until I escaped into the bathroom. My rational brain told me Greg was nothing like Mick. They were the polar opposite in looks and build, and Greg was civil to me when we talked but calling me Chlo reminded me of that disastrous relationship.

~*~*~*~

"Chloe, I was surprised when I received your email. Things have been going so well recently." Jill ushered me into her office and poured me a glass of water.

"I had a bad day, Monday. My car broke down, I was partnered with an idiot at work and then I agreed to go for a debrief with one of the doctors after I did two hours overtime and he drove me home and offered to help fix my car and called me Chlo. Tuesday wasn't much better. I had yesterday off and then I avoided him again today."

"Does he remind you of Mick?"

"Well no, and I mean, I don't have any feelings for him apart from as a colleague, but all the other nurses call him Dr Hottie and I just, I don't know."

"Tell me about the debrief."

I told Jill about the drink and the bar and Greg listening to me and not judging me and how nice it was to be able to share the not so good parts of my day. I explained the Mindy situation and how lovely it was to turn up that morning and discover I wasn't working with her. Jill asked lots of pointed questions linking my car breaking down and Greg's offer to help with my past experiences with mechanics.

"Greg's not a mechanic, he's a doctor, I know, but his dad's a mechanic and, I just, well I change the oil when I need to, but perhaps I just need to buy a new car."

"That's a bit drastic, don't you think?"

I knew it was. My ability to catastrophise was world class.

"What would happen if you let Greg help you fix your car?"

"It would be cheaper, but I'd probably need to buy him a bottle of something to thank him or cook him dinner or something."

"Chloe, remember when you first returned to work after it all?"

I did. I returned at first to the gynaecology ward knowing I would only nurse female patients with female nurses and predominantly female doctors. I had not really enjoyed it, but it convinced me I could still do my job. I had then progressed to half a shift on the stroke ward with mainly female patients and staff, then to working with Chris who was as camp as a row of tents and called everyone 'Darl!'

"You can't avoid men altogether. What Mick did was horrible, and he is paying for it. At some stage you are going to need to accept help from a man and you will realise that not all of them are bastards. We've talked about Carlo before and what makes him a good stepfather and Joe and George, and how you have helped influence them."

I thanked Jill at the end of our session and booked another appointment for a week's time. She knew I'd be coming off nights, but also recognised I needed her counsel more than ever now. This hatred towards Mick and men in general, I wondered if it would ever go away.

~*~*~*~

"I've been thinking," I had rehearsed what I wanted to say over and over in my head since my session with Jill, "And having you assist with the starter motor would be a huge help. I start nights on Sunday, and I don't want to catch the bus to work at night."