Desert Chemistry

Author's note

This is a direct sequel to A Chemical Moment, and the narrator and main character is the same. Anne, who appears in this story, also features in A Chemical Moment and (later in time) in The Broken Mirror.

There are significant lesbian elements to the story, so if that doesn't interest you, move along. It's quite long, and the sex is not particularly explicit.

As always, I welcome your comments and your votes. Thank you for your support.

~~~

David walked into our little shared office, set an icy plastic cup down on the desk next to me, and then sat down at his own desk. The office is just a corner of our lab, walled off with bookcases and whiteboards, but that's all we really need. The important stuff mostly happens in the lab anyway.

"Hey," he said in his warm baritone.

"Hey," I replied with a smile. "Thanks for the chai."

"I'm glad you and Cate came yesterday," he said. "My nieces were really happy to have somebody who would go swimming with them."

"Thanks for inviting us," I said, stretching my arms as best I could in the cramped space. "Your house is lovely, and I had a lot of fun. Swimming in April is awesome - I'm starting to really like living here."

"I'll remind you of that in a couple of months when you're bitching about the Arizona heat," he replied. His tone was sardonic, but his smile was warm and genuine.

"I don't think your fiancée likes me very much," I added. "She seemed grumpy whenever I was around."

His shoulders drooped and he shook his head, resigned to another minor disappointment. "I'm sorry, Allison," he said. "I hope she wasn't too rude."

He paused for a while, considering whether he wanted to continue. I waited. "I love Melanie like crazy," he said, "but she gets jealous sometimes. Most weeks I spend more time with you than I do with her, and she doesn't like that. 'Your little office wife,' she calls you. She was a lot happier when Brian was my research partner."

"Seriously?" I asked, more amused than annoyed. "What part of 'I'm a lesbian' does she not understand?"

"That's what I keep telling her," he replied, laughing softly. "Cate was very ... affectionate as you guys were leaving. I think maybe Melanie finally got the message ..."

Cate was drunk, though the outward effect was the same, and she spent the whole drive home complaining about how dorky David and his friends were. But he didn't need to know that.

"I hope so," I said. "Melanie does seem nice, and I don't want to make your life difficult."

He shrugged. It seemed like he was used to it.

We sat in a comfortable silence for a while, getting through the morning email and news. The lab was always a place I could relax and breathe, whatever was going on in my personal life. Reading through stuff with my brain on autopilot, I contemplated being the object of Melanie's jealousy. I just couldn't make sense of it. David was the most honorable, devoted guy I had ever met. I couldn't imagine he would ever think of cheating on Melanie, let alone do anything about it, even if a girl stripped naked and sat in his lap. Melanie was an idiot if she couldn't see that.

For my part, I hadn't had the slightest romantic interest in David, or any other man. After Anne, men just sort of blended together, all sharp angles, hard surfaces, and aggression. Women, with their soft flesh, soulful eyes, and sweet voices, stood out.

David was a great scientist, and he knew more about catabolic enzymes than almost anyone alive. With my focus on the physical chemistry of the enzymes' active sites, we made a great research team. He was also very sweet, and nice enough to look at, I guess, if you like men. He had a muscular grace that occasionally peeked out through the nerdy, boyish exterior. He was a wonderful coworker, and maybe a friend, but nothing more.

After about ten minutes, I got up and pulled my white lab coat over my tee shirt and jeans. "Ready to do some science?" I asked.

"You go," he replied. "I gave a quiz today, and I won't be able to focus until it's graded. I'll be out in like an hour."

"Okay," I said, walking out into the lab. "Take your time."

I grabbed my lab goggles, glad I had finally switched to contact lenses after years of glasses, put on some latex gloves, and then went into one of the storage drawers for some fungus. Lots of peroxidases to catalog and analyze. Hopefully, one of them would provide some inspiration for a synthetic catalyst. This was going to be fun.

The lab was in Wexler Hall, the oldest wing of the physical sciences complex, and it looked it. The building opened in 1977, and the cabinets, lab benches, and most of the plumbing went back to the beginning. The equipment was newer, installed piece by piece over the years, giving everything an organic, cobbled-together feel. I loved the place - it had everything we needed, and it reminded me of my chem labs back in Amherst and Boston, where most of the buildings are much older.

Leo stopped by that afternoon. Professor Leo Harding was officially in charge of our research, but he let David run the project pretty much on his own. Leo may not look like much, with his scraggly gray hair and beard, old bowling shirts, and sandals with white socks, but Leo is a very big deal in applied chemistry, and not just at ASU. His work on organic photovoltaics gets written up in the mainstream press pretty regularly, and it's already improving efficiency in the real world.

I chatted with him about the current batch of candidate enzymes for a while. David finished up with a student and then joined us for the tail end of the conversation.

After Leo left, I thought to myself, yet again, how lucky I was. Pretty much all of the other job offers I got after getting my PhD read something like "We need a physical chemist to do X," where X was the most boring, routine part of the work, with no room for growth. I would have been an overeducated, underpaid lab tech. I had a few friends who were doing jobs like that, and they hated their lives.

~~~

I was expecting a fight when I got home. Cate was still asleep when I left, and I don't doubt that she woke up with a hangover. I was still mad at her for the way she behaved at David's house, and she was probably still mad at me for giving her a hard time about it. She wasn't my girlfriend, exactly, and she could do what she wanted to when she was out by herself, but when we were together, she needed to be more considerate.

What I actually found when I walked in the door was a peace offering. The table was set for dinner, with three candles providing the only light outside the kitchen, and they had the desired effect. My little apartment was as nice a place as I could afford, homey enough, but cramped and a little run-down. I had decorated as best I could, with impressionist prints on the walls and the few plants I could keep alive, but that only went so far. The low, warm light of the candles and the setting sun outside made the place look comfortable, inviting, and even romantic.

Cate was in shorts and a snug white tank top, splattered red here and there from cooking. She had made spaghetti, a salad, and garlic bread. I was amazed that she cooked at all. She had never done that in the two and a half months we had lived together.

"Welcome home, Allison," she said from the kitchen. "I was a total jerk last night, and I wanted to do something nice for you."

I didn't know what to say. I was used to the impulsive, selfish Cate who had moved in with me after her sister kicked her out.

"What got into you today?" I asked. It was an honest question, and I made sure to keep my voice teasing and not hostile.

"Well, you know," she said. "I've been such a fuck-up and you've been so patient with me. I realized today while you were at work that whatever was wrong in my life, it wasn't you. I guess I just decided to grow up a little."

Cate finished putting dinner on the table and we sat down to eat.

"This is really good, Cate," I said after a bite of spaghetti. "I thought you didn't know how to cook."

"I don't really, so I tried to keep it simple," she said. "The sauce is from a jar, just basic tomato sauce, and I cooked up some onions and Italian sausage to add."

"Well," I replied, "whatever you did, it works. It was really nice of you to make dinner."

Cate looked bashfully at her plate but didn't say anything. After a while, I got up to pour myself another glass of wine. I offered Cate some as well, but she demurred. "One's enough for me."

"How were your classes today?" I asked.

"A fucking nightmare," she replied, stabbing at her spaghetti with her fork. "I don't have a clue what's going on. I've spent the past few months being pissed at the world and ignoring school, and now I'm way behind. I don't know if I have time to catch up and salvage this semester."

I knew she wasn't doing well in school, or in the rest of her life, but I hadn't realized quite how bad it was. I could see in her face how hard it was to admit the full extent of her problems. I reached across the table to hold her hand.

"How can I be a nurse if I can't even fucking take care of myself?" she asked, almost crying. "And why do you put up with all my bullshit? You didn't even know me when Melissa drove me over here and helped me move in, but you let me live here. You charge me less than half the rent, and you cook for both of us and don't make me pay for groceries."

At that, she really did start crying. "Before today, it never occurred to me to ask why. Why are you so nice to a fucked-up loser like me?"

I smiled at her, a warm, friendly smile that made her cry even harder. "You're not a loser. Life threw some really messed up stuff at you, and you didn't react well. That doesn't make you a bad person. Melissa's a friend, and she asked me to help you, so I did. You didn't really have anybody else."

I had another reason for taking her in, a personal one, but it was something she would never know.

"Everything is going to be okay," I said after she calmed down a little. "There's nothing wrong with your life that you can't fix, though it may not be easy. You're strong, and you can get through this. And I'm sure your family will come around. A lot of my friends' families freaked when they came out, but they all accepted it, eventually, even the crazy religious ones."

A little later, I quietly added, "Well, almost all."

She wiped the tears away and managed a weak smile. "You can be really infuriating, you know," she said. "Here I am having this major life crisis and you're just sitting there, serene as the Buddha, telling me it's going to be okay. Somehow, though, I think I believe you."

I smiled back and we finished dinner. When I got up to clear the table, she told me to sit, and then went to the fridge and got out two bowls of strawberries for dessert. After that, she did the dishes, despite my protest, while I sat on the couch with my tablet and read.

I flipped through the table of contents of an applied chem journal and found a paper about a new approach to decontaminating a broad spectrum of industrial pollution. It was interesting stuff, even if the platinum-based catalyst was totally impractical. If the results held after further study, someone would likely find a cobalt or iron-based replacement in a few years. That's how science works.

Cate sat down next to me just as I finished the paper and turned on the TV. She liked to watch Dancing with the Stars. It's not my thing, but she got really into it, and I found myself liking it in spite of myself. How could I not cheer for Danica McKellar? An actual, academically published mathematician, who writes books like Math Doesn't Suck! And she's gorgeous too. Yes, please.

During a commercial, Cate asked, "Allison, honey, can you help me with school? It may already be too late to fix this semester, but I do want to try."

"Absolutely," I replied. "I'm not sure about your psych or nursing classes, but I can definitely help with bio and chem."

"Thank you," she said, and snuggled her head into my shoulder.

Cate slept in my bed that night, and for the first time since she moved in, I had no reservations about having her there. It had always felt a little bit wrong before, especially when we had sex, but I let her in anyway. I could never say no to Cate. That night, though, it felt good and it felt right. I did love her, in a way, even if she wasn't the love of my life. Spending the night together, just holding each other and feeling the closeness of another human, was something we both needed.

~~~

Cate worked harder over the next two weeks than she ever had in her life, but it wasn't enough. When she checked with her teachers, she found out that she had missed or failed enough assignments and exams up to that point that there was no way she could pass half her classes. When I got home that day, she handed me her wallet and fake ID and told me to hide them somewhere safe so she wouldn't give in to temptation and drink herself into oblivion.

I made lasagna. It was my favorite comfort food, and I knew from experience that it would make her feel better too. We did not have wine.

"I talked to Dean Healy," she said after we sat down to eat, shoulders drooping in resignation. "I told her my whole sob story, and I think maybe she's going to let me drop out for the semester and defer until fall. I hope so, anyway."

"Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry it came to that," I replied and reached across the table to hold her hand, "but I think it's the best thing for you. You don't get many do-overs in life, and you really need one right now."

"She said she'd give me her decision the day after tomorrow," she said. "She might call you - I told her how wonderful you've been to me."

"Whatever you need," I said.

We watched Dancing with the Stars after dinner, but Danica McKellar had been eliminated, so it wasn't the same, at least for me. Cate didn't really pay attention.

"Allison, honey, if I get a job, can I stay here until fall?" she asked after she turned off the TV. "I know you said it was only for the semester, but I'm not sure I have a place to go home to."

"Of course you can, sweetie," I replied, "but you really should call your parents. You've told me how bad it was when you came out to your family, but time has a way of helping people sort things out. I think they'll surprise you."

She sighed, a heavy sound full of misery. She looked like an eight year old told to clean her room. "Yeah, I probably should," she said, "but I'm not as hopeful as you are."

In bed that night, I massaged her whole body, from her scalp to her toes, working the hard-won knots out of her shoulders and turning her to jelly. Her face was dreamy and unfocused when she rolled over, and she smiled absently at me when I slid into bed. She perked up as I kissed her, and her dark, smoky eyes gleamed with mischief. When she made love to me - and that night, it really was making love - a white-hot fire shot through me, the kind I had forgotten was even possible.

~~~

Dean Healy called me the next day. I gave David the signal that it was a personal call, and he slipped a pair of headphones over his ears and turned on his music. He was an unfailingly courteous officemate - he said it was the only way to share such a small space without killing each other. Whatever he was listening to had a heavy, insistent beat that made his legs bounce in rhythm, and it took him to a place that blocked out the rest of the world.

I talked to the dean for about ten minutes, going over what I knew of Cate's home life and personal issues. She had a lot of sympathy for Cate, but seemed reluctant to make an exception for her. Finally, she asked me, "Do you think this girl can turn her life around?"

"She's already started to," I replied. "She just needs some more time."

"Well, if Leo Harding trusts you, I guess that's good enough for me," she said, sounding relieved to have made up her mind. "You can tell Cate that I'll approve her deferral. Make sure I don't regret it."

"You won't," I said, hoping it was true.

I hung up the phone and stared at my screen for a while, not really focusing. Cate was getting another chance at school, but that was only part of the problem. There was still her family...

A knock on the whiteboard at the entrance to our makeshift office brought me back to reality. A slim, pretty girl of no more than twenty was standing there, in short shorts and a tank top. It was typical Arizona attire, but it still got my attention. Her skin was a healthy tan, and her fine, straight brown hair stretched all the way down to the waistband of those very distracting shorts. Her large, round glasses made her big brown eyes look even bigger. "Doctor Allison?" she asked, looking past me.

You'd think that after working with David for two years and sharing an office for one, I'd be used to it, but it still trips me up, especially when I'm distracted. I sat there stupidly for a moment, said "uh," and then finally turned my chair around to tap David on the shoulder. The only real problem I have working with Dr. David Allison is the confusion between our names.

David pulled off his headphones, turned around in his chair and greeted the pretty girl. "Oh, hey, Wendy," he said, "What can I help you with?"

Wendy sat down in the chair next to his desk and pulled out her notebook, almost knocking over the collection of family photographs on David's desk. The office was a little cramped with just the two of us; when David was helping a student, we were basically sardines. Wendy apologized and then proceeded to ask David a series of fairly basic questions about redox reactions and electrochemistry. He explained everything patiently and she listened attentively, smiling at him and touching his hand.

"Seriously?" I asked David after she left.

"What?" he asked, looking confused.

"That girl did not need you to clear up her confusion about electrochemistry," I said. "She already knew everything you told her."

"She just needed some reassurance," he replied. "A lot of my students come to office hours to go over what they already know, just to make sure they've got everything right."

"Have you ever noticed that almost all of those students are girls?" I asked. "Somehow I don't think your chem 116 sections are exclusively female."

"Never thought about it," he replied. "Maybe girls just don't have as much confidence in science classes. Not everyone can be a smart-ass genius like you."

His cluelessness was actually kind of cute. "Wendy wasn't here for chemistry help," I said, batting my eyelashes and trying my hardest to imitate a schoolgirl crush. "She was here because she thinks you're dreamy."

David looked at me like I was from another planet. "Whatever," he said, laughing, and turned back to his computer.

~~~

I gave Cate the news from Dean Healy, and she called her parents the next day. I wasn't there for the conversation, but when I got home, I could tell from her puffy eyes that it involved crying. I hoped the tears were happy ones, but she didn't say anything when I came in. She cooked again that night, a chicken stir-fry over rice. I sat at the counter and watched, giving her a few tips as she went.

Dinner was fairly tasty, and I commended her effort in the kitchen. We talked about random things while we ate. She didn't bring up her family, and neither did I. She would tell me when she was ready.

Later, cuddling in bed together, she rolled over to look me in the face and took a breath, collecting herself to speak. She stared at my forehead for a while, not quite making eye contact, and her brow furrowed and relaxed. "Dad says I can come home," she said. "I can have my old room back and work at the feed store until next fall."

I was thrilled for her. Maybe that terrible self-loathing would finally end and she could get on with her life.