Mid-June 2001
Counselor:
I'm not saying you shouldn't be happy. I'm saying that even a happy lie is still a lie.
Patient:
Which is basically the same as saying I shouldn't be happy.
Counselor:
No. What I want you to understand is that you've only reached a temporary solution.
Patient:
And I should be bracing for it all to come crashing down?
Counselor:
No. Maybe. I'd rather you not be passive about it. I'd rather you think through what constructive, helpful next steps you can take to fix this.
Patient:
Maybe it doesn't need to be fixed.
Counselor:
Can you really picture that approach playing out in the long term? For the rest of your life?
Patient:
No. No, I guess not. I just... need a little time to figure out what to do.
Counselor:
And yes, now that I think about it, I want you to be ready for it to all come crashing down. Because if it does, I don't want you to react the way you did last time.
*******
It was a wonderful day. After Scott and I convinced ourselves to get out of bed, we went to lunch at a Ukrainian place a few blocks away (I had eaten my fill of Lebanese food the week before). Before heading out, I grabbed a small bag I had waiting near the door.
"What's that?" Scott asked.
"A surprise for later," I teased.
When lunch was winding down, Scott said, "I'm guessing you have some plans for us after this?"
"Yep," I smiled.
"And you're not going to tell me?"
"You'll see."
I drove us to a big park, one with a lot of green space and water features. I was especially glad that we had a sunny day. I carried the bag close to me while we found a shady spot to sit for a bit. Then I opened the bag and pulled out my surprise. In an old leather satchel, I had a classic 35mm camera with a lot of accessories. Scott's eyes went wide in awe.
"I know people are saying that digital cameras are the thing now, but I found this in my stuff. I... don't remember how to use it other than to point and click. But if you'd like to put the old girl through her paces and see how she does, I'd love to see what kind of shape she's in.
Scott was speechless, taking it gently into his hands almost like he was holding a newborn baby.
"I'm not
giving
it to you," I teased. "You can close your mouth."
He smiled and looked at me. "It just looks... like... a very special camera. And I'm familiar with this model. It's very good... if it's still working."
"Try it and see, I guess?"
For the next few hours, he tried a lot. There were several rolls of film in the case, and I had picked up a few more when I first found the camera, wondering if using it would spark some memories. But I had been too afraid to do anything with it, lest I break something.
Scott took pictures of scenery, of people, of birds, and even a few of me.
"I can't wait to see how they turn out," I said as we walked back to the car. "How long do I have to wait?"
"I... I used to develop the film myself. But I don't have a room that would work for that anymore. I think I still know a guy I would trust to do it for me, though. Maybe a few days?"
"Perhaps one of my upstairs rooms would work," I offered. "All I use is the library; the other one is open."
"I think the other room would work great," he said softly, still looking at the camera. "It would take some time to set up, though. Maybe later, right?"
I said nothing in response. I just smiled, gripped his bicep and leaned against him.
*******
We spent the rest of the day together, ordering a pizza and watching a movie on my couch. We made love before bed, and despite my promises of morning sex if he stayed the night, Scott needed to leave. He had to work in the morning and hadn't brought a change of clothes. I begged him to call in sick, but he said it was the last two days of the school year, so he had to be there.
He took with him the six rolls of film that he had shot that afternoon but left the camera. "Best to keep it here, where it belongs," he advised. He did let it linger in his hands a few seconds, though, before putting it down.
I sighed after I closed the door behind him. I guess I was falling in love. But there was one loose end to tie up. What the hell would I say to Vicky?
*******
A few evenings later that week, I was pulling my first attempt at lasagna out of the oven when Vicky knocked on my door. I had called her that day saying we needed to talk. When I opened the door, she was hunched over, hands on her knees. She was in her running gear and had headphones on. When she saw me, she pulled the headphones off, turned off her Walkman, and said, "Hey, I got your message. Your place is on my route, so I thought I'd stop by. Or is this something that might take a while?"
My conversations with Vicky, I had begun to notice, never took long. She usually wrapped them up pretty quickly. At first I blamed myself for not having anything to talk about, but now I was starting to see her in a different light.
"I don't know," I said. "It might just take a minute; I want to get your take on something. Wanna come in?"
"Yeah, I'll stand inside and feel the AC for a sec." As I closed the door behind her, she straightened up and said, "Oooh, something smells good."
"Lasagna. We'll see how it tastes. Join me if you want."
"Nah," she said, patting her belly. "Not good to eat on the run."
"Well, I won't keep you, then," I said as casually as I could. "I was just wondering why you didn't mention that you used to date Scott. And then I started to think he might be your mystery man. Isn't that funny?" I had opted for the blindside approach to try to get an unfiltered reaction. What I got was a panicked look. She stepped back like she expected me to hit her.
"Oh my God, how did you... You... you
talked
to him? After I... "