I'd married a year out of high school. He'd been in school with me and was a big guy. I'm big, too. He'd asked me out and I might have been the only one that said yes, but I was flattered. I'd seen him playing football and he could run over most of the other guys in school. He was a jock and into jock things. He liked watching sports, fishing and going out with the guys. He also made good money. He was the first guy I'd ever made love with and that first time he'd really hurt me. He was rough during sex, but kind when he found I was bleeding. It took me more than a week to heal and I hid it from Mom.
We did it again about two weeks later and it was a little better. It wasn't that I wasn't interested in sex, I mean I'd found Mom's vibrator when I was still young. I was eighteen and my friend's Mom had given me a vibrator as a birthday present. It may seem strange, but she'd given my friend one on her birthday, too, and she was kind of a cool Mom and we got along. I found that I liked the feel of it, and for awhile I thought that might be the only sex I'd ever have. Guys never asked me out.
After we were married almost two years I found out I was pregnant and was afraid to tell him. He bought all kinds of man toys. He had a new pickup truck and his folks had helped us buy a home. He was furious because he knew I was on the pill, but when I reminded him that I'd been asking him to stop and get my prescription for a month... and he never had... he cooled down. He still hollered and told me that I should have told him that I was out of pills. It was another four years before number two came along, and then we had an older daughter and a little boy. He kind of shined on our daughter, but he doted on our son, and he became more verbally abusive to me.
He always hollered at me and when it got too bad and I cried he'd just holler louder. I put on weight during that time... over forty pounds, and I felt miserable about myself. Why couldn't I ever please him? Why was everything I did always wrong? The end finally came when he came home and found our son with dirty diapers.
I'd been sick all week and had trouble even getting up, but I was doing everything I could. I'd changed the baby just over an hour before he got home, but he wouldn't listen. He screamed and berated me for almost two hours and called me every name he could. He accused me of being lazy and not caring, and of talking on the phone all day.
I had to leave. I was scared of him and took the kids and went to a motel. I was there for two days and then called home. He was apologetic and wanted us back, but mostly he wanted to know how the baby was. I went back and everything was okay for a few days before it started all over again. This time it was two months before I left again and I didn't go back.
He now has a new computer, new fishing gear, another new truck, and has spent a lot of money on power tools and lawn equipment. His favorites are a portable refrigerator for the truck and a big gas barbecue for the backyard. When I filed for divorce he threatened me. He also tried to get the children, and forced me to sign an agreement that said he owed me and the kids nothing from the divorce when it became final.
I didn't get the divorce for over a year because I couldn't afford it. A friend told me of a legal center that would handle it for almost nothing. My sister had been taking care of the kids for most of the time so that I could work to make a living. The job I had wasn't much and required a big person to do lifting. I hated it, but didn't have any skills or training so I stayed.
One day a gal I knew from work asked me to go to a dance with her and told me that maybe we could meet some nice guys. I told her about my kids but she suggested that I ask Sis to watch them. I resisted for almost two weeks, but finally did ask. Sis was great. She was happy for me and my brother-in-law was great too. I stopped by on the way to the dance and they both hugged me. He was a great hugger and I wondered why I couldn't find a great guy like Sis had.
Well, I went to the dance and it wasn't great but I did get asked for a couple of dances and I liked a man holding me, but nothing came of it. Another month went by and she wanted to go to the dance again and again Sis watched the kids for me. She even encouraged me. This time I met a nice guy who was kind of inebriated. We danced and he even tried to feel me up. His hands kept wandering to my ass, and his arm kept rubbing my breasts while we danced. His knee seemed to find its way against me, too. It felt good to feel him against me, and know that he was interested in me although it might just have been the liquor.
He asked for my number and told me where he worked. It was just down the street from where I worked and he called me the next day. When he wasn't drinking he was a very nice guy and it wasn't long before we were going together and then he asked me to move in with him. Sis wasn't sure, but after awhile she told me that it was alright and that I needed someone.
I moved in and it was almost a honeymoon for the first three months. He even insisted that I quit my job and he'd support us. He told me that I could then stay home and take care of the kids. It really sounded great, but I was afraid. My fright ended one day when my boss gave me a really bad time at work and accused me of not working hard enough. I'd been working through coffee breaks and lunch and staying over almost an hour each night. It was only a few minutes before I told him to take his job and shove it, and I walked out.
He tried to get me to come back to work and apologized, but I'd been home for two weeks without that job and I loved it. My boyfriend would leave me the car most of the time and catch a ride to work with a friend. I was really beginning to feel good about myself.
Suddenly things changed and he didn't come home after work. I worried all evening and finally I heard him being let off out front. He'd been drinking and when he got in he threw his arms around me and tried to kiss me. I pushed him away and he got mad. He dragged me into the bedroom and raped me. I was hurt and furious, but I could do nothing. The next morning he woke up with a hangover and remembered nothing.
It was only a few days and it happened again. He began drinking hard, and I found out that he'd had the problem before. I asked him to stop and he kept promising he would but it just got worse. One night he came home and threw me across the room and hit me.
I decided that I wanted to get out and take the kids with me. But, I felt like such a loser. I'd lost a husband and now a lover and I didn't have a job. I looked but couldn't get another job. I blamed myself. I was stupid and should have done something better. Maybe I could have gone to college, or waited to get married, or... I didn't know.
The beatings and berating got worse. Finally my friend from the job told me about a counseling session for women that was free and lasted eight weeks. The class met on Friday nights at an elementary school about fifteen minutes away. The meetings lasted about two hours and they'd helped her. I didn't even know she'd ever had a problem.
The counseling was devoted to women only and featured extensive help in understanding abuse and developing self worth. It was taught by a guy that seemed to really know what it was like and how to help. He was tall but not overly good looking and always seemed busy. He was devoted to his students and encouraged us to talk about our feelings. He even offered another night free every week. The classroom was donated by the city as part of an outreach program and except for expenses, he donated his time.
