Confession 24

At first, Jacen couldn't believe his eyes when Matthew handed him the letter. He carefully studied it, his hands shaking from the nervous energy. He checked the return address, the addressee, and even studied the handwriting. Somehow this just did not feel right to him, like he wasn't in reality anymore. "There must be some mistake," he kept thinking to himself as his hands shook just staring at the letter now.

Off to the side, Matthew laughed a little bit to himself. This was perhaps the most entertaining spectacle he had ever seen with Jacen. Jacen's hands shook as they held the letter, as if he was holding a commandment from God or something. His face was also losing color the longer he held the letter. Of course, Matthew kind of expected this given who the letter was from. "Just open it," Matthew chuckled a little bit, and growing impatient.

Jacen looked over to him with a look of incredulity. He couldn't believe what he held in his hand. There was no way he could be holding this letter and it actually be addressed to him. "How?" he asked with a trembling voice. "How could she find me after all this time?"

Matthew just rolled his eyes, his face finally showing some signs of irritation. "She obviously wanted to find you. The only way to know for sure is to open the letter, and see what it has to say."

Jacen nodded as he opened the letter from Cynthia, his long lost love. Well to a point... In high school Jacen always admired Cynthia, but never mustered up the courage to talk to her. He always had butterflies in his stomach, and he would feel weak just looking upon her face. A couple of times he actually got so nervous, when he had to interact with her for school projects, that he actually made himself sick. After almost ten years though, Jacen's biggest regret was not telling Cynthia how he felt about her.

He carefully pulled the letter out of the envelope, and slowly unfolded it treating it as something holy. Something that he knew he was going to treasure forever no matter what it actually said. Slowly he read through it:

"Dear Jacen,

You may not remember me, and part of me hopes that you really don't,

but my name is Cynthia. We went to the same high school about 8 years ago.

I was your class president all four of those years we studied together. Some

good times back then, yeah?

I am going to keep this really short and simple. I am coming back to

town on February 8th and I'll be staying until February 15th. I have some things

take care of down there, including family business and professional business, but I

will explain more about those things if I actually see you. I know I sent this kind

short notice, but if you want to meet with me pick me up at the airport around 3

PM. I would love to catch up on old times with you. I also really hope I have the

right address for you or I'm going to feel really stupid when I get back home only

to find that this letter has been returned.

-Cynthia "

Jacen read through it a couple more times. He still couldn't believe it, and he was going through the motions of denial. He looked up at his bookshelves to find his high school year book. He carefully set the letter and envelope down on the table and found his senior year book. He carefully moved through the pages, desperate in his search to find another Jacen Alexander that this letter could be addressed to.

"So what did it say?" Matthew asked with a little bit of concern in his voice.

Jacen didn't hear him as he continued scanning page after page through the year book. He couldn't find any other Jacen Alexander's in the book. He looked at the letter. He couldn't tell if part of his emotions were fear or if it was just sheer nervous energy anymore. She wanted to see him and catch up on old times with him. "This can't be real," he said to himself more to make his thoughts more concrete than anything else.

"What can't be real?" Matthew asked getting irritated again.

The irritation in Matthew's voice shocked him awake from his trance like state, where he was lost in his own thoughts and denial over the letter's appearance. "Huh? Oh Cynthia...she wants me to pick her up at the airport...tomorrow," Jacen replied trying to keep cool, but most decidedly failing.

Matthew smiled a little bit at his friend's reaction. "Tomorrow, eh? You going to go get her? How long is she staying?"

"She's staying about a week. She has some business to take care of here in town. I guess she wants to catch up on old times."

"Old times huh? Makes you feel kinda old. So she's staying until Valentine's Day huh? From the look on your face and how you handle that letter, looks like your feelings for her haven't changed a bit. Why don't you ask her out while she's in town. Might be your only shot."

Jacen cringed at the thought. He sighed though and stood up taking the letter and envelope to his room. She was staying about a week, and he could feel that week being the longest of his life. He had to get ready, and he needed some time to himself. Tomorrow was going to be an interesting day at best.

* **

Jacen waited at the gate to Cynthia's flight. He had been there since 2:30PM, only to look up at the terminal screen to see that her flight had been delayed. It had almost been an hour, but he should have guessed that he was going to wait. Airports were never on time it seemed, and he most likely had another fifteen minutes at least to wait he thought.

Suddenly, the announcement for the arrival of her flight came over the announcement speakers. He took in a deep nervous breath, and after a few minutes of just holding it he finally let it out. He knew the key to this encounter was to play it cool, but he just couldn't. He was nervous and he could tell it showed in every aspect of his appearance. He was dressed nice, but everything else about it him was tight.

He waited patiently as the passengers came off the flight and into the main area to collect their baggage. It seemed to take forever for passengers to come off and collect their belongings. It was about a fifteen minute wait before he finally spotted Cynthia.

She hadn't changed in the last eight years, and Jacen could easily spot her anywhere. Her almond colored skin, shiny black hair, and near perfect body sent warning klaxons off in Jacens head. He could feel his chest tighten up just at the sight of her. Maybe he wasn't ready for this, maybe he should turn around and head home, maybe...

Before he could find the words to the final maybe in his thoughts, she spotted him and smiled and waved at him with her free hand. She dropped her bags and ran up to him to give him a hug. "I'm glad you came," she said.

Jacen's mind stopped the instant she started running up to him. He felt naked and defenseless against her, especially with her arms wrapped around him in a friendly hug. Something that lasted not even a second seemed to last forever in his mind. All he could do was smile and nod as she pulled away from him.

"So how have you been?" she asked.

Jacen's mind was still not focussed enough to form any coherent words. He didn't even try, but he did manage to shrug, which was perhaps the most honest answer to her question.

She picked up her bags again and looked at him. She could tell he was tense, and maybe that something was wrong. She thought that maybe he was sick, but still he came for her even though he really shouldn't have. She smiled away the thought in an attempt to disarm Jacen. "So do you speak at all?" she said joking around.

Jacen shook his head, partly to change his line of sight to something else, and also to clear out the cobwebs in his head. "Yeah, sorry...I just can't believe that you wanted me to pick you up is all," he honestly replied.

"Ah, I see. Well, to be honest, most of my friend's don't live around here anymore, and a lot of them I haven't talked to after college. I didn't want my family to pick me up either because it's kind of a surprise to them," she explained.

Jacen nodded and smiled, though not at her or anything in particular. He was trying his best to avoid looking at her now. "Oh," was all he said his voice almost cracking with the nervous energy.

Cynthia shifted nervously. "Maybe he knows everything..." she thought to herself, but somehow she knew that wasn't the case. "Well, how about you take me to my parent's house then?" she asked.

Jacen nodded starting to feel the cobwebs come back into his mind again. This meeting wasn't going as he had expected it to. He had to focus on something, and more importantly he had to relax. "This way," he said motioning for his car and starting to walk off making sure she was close.

The walking helped Jacen to focus other things, and it also helped to relax him. Finally, he managed to start thinking and be capable of an actual conversation. "I'm sorry. It's rude of me not to ask how you are doing as well?" he said apologetically.

Cynthia smiled at the fact that he was finally asking her a reasonable question. "I've been ok," she replied keeping her answer as generic as possible. "So what are you doing now? Did you ever go to college? Are you persuing your dreams?"

Jacen gave her question a little bit of thought. He wasn't sure what kind of conversation he was hoping to have with Cynthia, but her questions did seem to be reasonable starts for two people who haven't seen each other in years. "Yeah, I went to college. I became an IT Technician for a major company here in town. They're looking to expand though into other cities. As far as persuing my dreams..." Jacen looked up at the ceiling thinking about the question and obviously getting lost in thought. "..I'm not so sure about that one. How about..."

Jacen never got to finish his question as he ran into a baggage carrier cart while he was still looking up at the ceiling and lost in thought. Cynthia laughed a little bit at the mishap thinking it was intentionally planned so he would look cute. It became obvious after a lot of apologizing to the cart carrier and helping them pick up their baggage that it wasn't, but she was still smilng trying to keep her laughter to herself.

"I've been to college, but I'm taking a break from it now," she said behind a hand trying to keep from laughing too much at him, but letting a giggle get through every now and then. Her cheeks were blushing and Jacen just sighed laughing himself at the situation and to help ease his own tension. She let out the rest of her laughter with him before finally asking, "Are you alright?"

Jacen nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine. Let's see if we can get you home without me embarrassing myself more." He started off for the parking lot at an increased pace and helping Cynthia with her bags now that he had the prescence of mind to offer her help. He even managed to open the passenger door for her.

The drive to her parent's house took about another half an hour. During the time Jacen had loosened up enough to actually enjoy the conversation he was having with Cynthia. They talked about high school and what they had been up to the past eight years. Jacen was surprised to learn that Cynthia had been single for the past 3 years. Cynthia was surprised that Jacen hadn't dated at all since high school. He did note that Cynthia seemed to keep things pretty general and vague, but he shrugged it off.

When they finally got to her parents house, Jacen helped her with her bags. After hasty introductions and him bowing out of an invitation to stay for a bit, Cynthia followed him to his car. "I had a good time talking to you," she started off.

"Yeah me too," he replied managing a smile.

"I'll be busy with business, but Thursday I have off. Perhaps, you would like to spend sometime with me then?" she asked faking a little shyness.

Jacen thought and counted the days. "Umm...Thursday is Valentine's Day..."

"Yeah, I know," she replied shifting her feet back and forth.

Jacen nodded. "Ok well how about we start off with coffee and go from there in the afternoon. Say around three?"

Cynthia smiled and nodded her head. "Three it is then. See you at Starbucks on the corner here." She pointed in the general direction of where she was talking about.

Jacen smiled as he got into his car and hit his head at the top of the frame. Cynthia just let her laughter loose since she didn't think he could see her, and even if he could he wouldn't care.

***

What Cynthia didn't tell Jacen was that one of the reasons she had requested him to pick her up from the airport, was so her parents couldn't lay their disappointment on her immediately. The next hour and a half of her day was her family complaining about how she shamed them, about how she disgraced herself for the past 12 years of her life, and about how they didn't really welcome her into their home anymore. All of this she fully expected, and wasn't surprised by it. They showed her some mercy that she wasn't expecting and allowed her to stay for dinner, but that was mostly just so they could continue laying into her and allow her sister some time to dig into her as well.

Finally at around 7:00 PM, Cynthia was making herself comfortable in her hotel room. This room would be her home for the next week. She was tired from everything that had happened. The meeting with Jacen had its ups and downs and then her parents laying into her. The flight itself exhausted her. She sighed as she put everything in it's place.

After she was unpacked, she jumped into the bed and turned on the television. She really wasn't watching it too much. She was lost in her own thoughts. She wondered how much Jacen knew or had heard about her. She wondered if he would understand. More than anything she wanted him to listen and not judge her, but at the same time she also wanted his judgement more than anything else.

In high school she remembered a lot about him. Perhaps more than he thinks she remembered. She remembered him always watching her and being there when she needed him. She remembered the playful competetions in class that the teachers would set up between them to see which was quicker and smarter. She knew even then, that he let her win. Especially in german when they did board races and he'd start a word out giving her enough of a hint and then acting stumped on the spelling. Out of everyone in school, she always had the feeling that he didn't expect anything from her. He was also an outsider in that school as well.

Perhaps it is that unique perspective she was seeking. Still his judgement wouldn't absolve her of any guilty conscience, but it may help in the long healing process. She stared up at her ceiling sighing as she felt a tear fall from the corner of her eye and back into her hair near her ear. She was alone now, and everything to her seemed meaningless anymore.

***

Jacen was fifteen minutes early to Starbucks on Valentine's Day. Part of him was excited, and part of him felt silly. He had dressed nice for his meeting with Cynthia, and earlier in the week he had carefully chosen a Valentine's Day card and an expensive box of assorted chocolates. He figured if anything he could pass them off as friendly gestures. He was really nervous, but amazingly he felt more prepared than he had been at the airport.

Jacen was quite surprised to see that Cynthia had shown up on time and even remembered their meeting today. He had forgotten to ask for her number to remind her or see if they were still going to meet today. He felt very much relieved as he watched her approach in very nice formal dress.

He smiled at her as he got up and pulled out a chair for her. "I'm glad you remembered," he said with a smile.

"Of course I remembered. This is the pretty much the event of my week," Cynthia answered honestly. She sat down as he went to the other side of the table. He noticed that she looked quickly to the counter and then brought her eyes back.

"Right the coffee, what will you have?" he asked feeling a little embarassed at forgetting that detail.

"Just a french vanilla cappucino," she said with a smile.

He went over to the counter to place the order. After a minute or two he came back with both of their coffees and took a seat. He reached under his seat and pulled up the box of chocolates and the Valentine's Day card. His hand shook again as he handed them to her. "Here you go," he said pretty much throwing the card and box at her.

She smiled as she opened the card and read it. It was very sweet and thoughtful, and also very generic. From his nervous behavior she knew he meant to say more than he actually did on the card, but she smiled anyway. "Aww...How sweet," she cooed. "I'm sorry I didn't get you anything."

Jacen shook his head. "It's ok. So how has your week been going?"

Cynthia smiled a little bit. "It's been ok. I visited my parents on the first day, and after that just been busy with work."

"So what type of work do you do anyway?" Jacen asked genuinely curious.

"Well right now, I'm working on a deal to merge into a company here in town, Warner and Hart Financial," she smiled already knowing all too well that was the company he worked for.

Jacen seemed shocked. He knew the rumors at work were to expect a merger soon, but he had no idea that Cynthia would be the representative for the company. He was impressed with how quickly she had risen in her current field with only a small degree in business. "I work for Warner and Hart," was all he could manage to say to this startling bit of news.

Cynthia nodded her head in agreement. "I know you do," she smiled. "I saw you working on some stuff the other day when I was there."

Jacen blanched at that. It was a hectic week at work so far for him, so it's understandable that he might miss seeing her there. He was probably under a desk or with his nose stuck in the e-mail server again. "Sorry to miss you then," he replied.

"It's quite alright," she replied. "I could tell you were pretty busy, and your CEO was irritated about his employees doing foolish things on company time, but he was impressed with your work."

Jacen nodded. "Yeah, some of the younger interns think that when they don't have anything to do, they can just sit around and download virusses all day long."

Cynthia laughed about that. "You sound like you're so old. You're only what? Twenty-five? Twenty-six?"

"Yeah. About there."

"You've got a lot of life left in you," she smiled.

"As do you, I'm sure."

Cynthia smiled a little bit at that comment.

"So why did you want to meet with me if you don't mind me asking?" Jacen asked trying to get to the point and not let the covnversation digress into work.

Cynthia looked into his eyes. She hesitated for a minute or two, and their eyes were locked. Jacen could feel her looking into his soul at the same time he looked into hers. For that minute or two he could clearly see her pain. She was naked in front of him and he knew he was naked in front of her. More was said in that minute or two without words, than ever before in their relationship.

"I wanted to tell you about somethings from the past..." she started off.

Jacen nodded, now he could feel her pain and he knew what she wanted from him. It wasn't anything sinister or anything evil in intent. It wasn't something that's going to be meant to hurt him. All she needed was for someone to listen to her story without judgement until the end.

She spent the next two hours, telling her story from about the time she was fourteen and was raped in her freshman year until the present. A lot of tragic things had happened to her since then. The first person to rape her was a "friend" of hers that was popular and an upper classman in high school. He could feel the tears welling up in his eyes as she recounted this most horrifying act, an act that got more horrendous.

After the raping he told her that she would be the most popular girl in school. He kept setting her up on dates with jocks and the popular rich guys. Almost all of them she wound up being convinced to have sex with them. She spent her first year dealing with this, but the trend didn't stop with his graduation. She continued it of her own free will, but Jacen had a sense that it was more because they convinced her that's how things worked, than of any real conscious choice of hers.