Coming to Greater Understanding

Diary entry for November 4, 2005

It's been really stressful at work lately and I've had a bit of a short fuse this past week. Last Friday night I worked until 1 am Saturday morning on a publication layout that had to be finalized for publication the next morning and I was in a real mood. Cate had gone to dinner with her parents who were in for the evening from Connecticut. After she saw them off at the train station, she decided to come by and cheer me up.

Why do I sometimes fail to see the caring in someone, and only see that I'm busy and didn't ask for the distraction? Well, this was one of those times. I was so close to finishing and under so much self imposed pressure to finish, that when Cate came into the office, I reacted in the wrong way. All she said was that she missed me, had been thinking about me all night long, and wondered if I'd be finished soon and we could go home together. I had one more hour at least but did I say that? No, I snapped at her that I'd be finished when I was finished and I'd be finished sooner without being interrupted. OMG I'd never seen Cate look like she did when I said that. Her amazing blue eyes seemed to get so cold, and they went right through me. She didn't raise her voice or even sound angry, but it was awful.

"That's just lovely Nicole and by the way, when someone who loves you, wishes to be with you, you could respond in a more caring way than that." Then she turned and walked away.

For a moment I just thought, "Fine, now I'll be able to get this done." That didn't last very long because I was up in a flash and beat her to the door.

"I'm so sorry baby." I said standing in front of her.

"Let me by Nicole" Cate said calmly, "I'm going home now. I'm tired and it's late, so if you want to stay here tonight, that's just fine." She stroked my cheek and moved toward the door.

Her hand was on the first latch and I was nearly paralyzed. My God what was happening? Our first fight and I hated it.

"Catie baby, don't go." I pleaded as I reached out to take her hand from the latch. "I'm an awful bitch and I'm so stressed that I wasn't thinking about what I said." I was desperate what the hell could I do now?

Catie turned toward me, her eyes were moist and softer now as she said quietly, "You really, really hurt my feelings Nicole" My heart was breaking as she continued, "I just had a wonderful evening with my mom and pop baby, and I told them about us and mom was so happy, you know she really likes you." And she went on, "Pop as well was incredible with it, said you'd been so much fun when he visited Heather in New Orleans, and that he was happy for me and you."

"Oh Catie, I'm so sorry." I said. "I only…

"Hush Nicole and let me finish ok?" Cate said taking my hand and sitting down and I sat beside her as she continued. "You know that my parents have never been anything but supportive of me and my choices, but they also have never accepted any woman I've been with. It was always so difficult especially with Jan and holidays, you know they never mentioned her when holidays came around? Mom would say to me, "When are you coming out for Christmas, and maybe you could come with your brother when he comes up from DC?" It was like they were saying "Don't bring HER." And it hurt me." She smiled sadly and said, "It made things a little uncomfortable between Jan and me, but we broke up for more important reasons, and then you came up here with Heather and you moved in with me and we discovered feelings for each other. Even if we're just lovers and friends and we don't get into some big and serious relationship, that's ok. But still, my happiness and excitement, and my feelings for you have also been tied up with wanting so much for my parents to still like you even though we're together."

"Oh baby!" I whispered.

"Oh Nicole, when my mom and pop were so obviously happy for us, and said those things about you, it made my heart leap. I was so happy I wanted to see you immediately, then you said what you said and it hurt. So, maybe I'm falling in love with you, and that's me and not you. Maybe you're not into a relationship with me and maybe you are, and that's you. But Nicole, we do care for each other, and I don't want us to have things like this happen where we hurt each other, OK?

God I was close to tears. Catie had said she was maybe falling in love with me! Was it too fast or not I didn't know, but the important thing was how I felt when I heard her say it. I felt warm, wanting to giggle and very happy and sad for what I'd said to her.

"Catie baby." I said, "I can't take it back but I'm so sorry for what I said and I want you to know something very special. I didn't know all that about Jan and your parents, and when you said maybe you were falling in love with me, that one thing made me the happiest woman in New York tonight. I think I'm falling in love with you too. I want to be with you and see if we can make it work. I love you baby."

We hugged and held on to each other, and kissed and apologized again and again. Then with a giggle I said I really should get back and finish the layouts. I got up holding Cate's hand and turned. She pulled back and I turned toward her and she slipped her arms around me and her hands cupped my bottom and pulled me close. We kissed again, and Cate said, "I'm going to go home, and I'm going put on some music, open a bottle of wine and wait for my sexy hot girlfriend to get home."

"I should only be an hour, maybe a little more babe and when I get home watch out, because your hot and sexy girlfriend gets so turned on by you she's going to find new ways to make you squirm." We laughed and kissed and she left.

Now this whole entry got me thinking about so much. Not so much the obvious, that Cate and I are falling in love, that it feels really good and that our first argument ended with the two of us taking a moment to understand each other a little better. To work through it together and not against each other. No, the really staggering thing was realizing that one of the stereotypes of lesbians. especially femme lesbians and this stereotype is held by lesbians and non lesbians as well, that because we're women who love women, we somehow understand each other so much more intimately and therefore we're better at relating and understanding and being couples than heterosexuals are. I've come out recently and still there's a part of me that thinks, "Of course it's going to be easier for me to have relationships with women, we have such a deeper understanding… blah, blah, blah." That's so not true.

I learned so much this past Friday night with what happened between Catie and me. Us girls are so intuitive and understand each other so well that Catie and I had a spat for no reason. We did work it out rather sweetly, and with understanding, but anyone can if they just make the effort.

Next entry will be more sexy…