Can People Change

[This is a story, "based on actual events.' I put it in Romance because that's where I want the story to be. There were times, years, when it was not a romance. The wedding didn't happen where the story says it happened. Names have been changed to protect both the innocent and the guilty.]

*

We got married. I had been stationed overseas and had written Marie a letter asking her to marry me. We had both bought into the culture of our church that aimed all of us at being married and at having children. Trouble was, right from the beginning, her mother didn't like me. She was civil and even polite in public but made it clear that she thought her daughter deserved better. But Marie believed I was the only one who would ever ask her to get married, so she said yes.

The day before the wedding her Mom and I happened to be alone in the house, her house, together. She said, "You know I don't much like the idea of Marie marrying you. I don't think you'll be a good husband."

"I will be a good husband. Are you so sure your daughter will be a good wife?"

"I'm sure. I raised her and taught her. She'll be a good wife. I'll be watching to see how good a husband you are."

"You're welcome to watch."

The wedding wasn't very big. Most of my friends from before I joined the military had moved away and we had lost touch. Marie was not the most popular girl in town. She was quiet, shy and seemed to blend in rather than stick out. Three days after the wedding we relocated to my new duty station, a thousand miles away from Momma. Momma didn't like that.

I thought things went pretty well for us. I got promoted three times in the next four years. We moved to another duty station, an island in the Pacific, and we started a family. On the occasions when we went on leave we went home. Her parents, brother and sister lived five miles from my parents and sister.

At each visit "home" our relationship hit a rocky time. When she spent time with her Mom she came away feeling like I wasn't a good enough husband. Her mother pointed out things that she said I should have been providing, but wasn't.

I was making the military a career. That meant moving about every three years. Her Mom made sure Marie saw the house her brother bought for his wife. She mentioned often that giving a wife a stable home was the duty of a husband. She sent us pictures of the house Marie's sister's husband bought her. She pointed out that we lived in government housing, as if it were part of being on welfare.

When I was sent to Viet Nam, Marie and our two young children were invited to live back home with Momma. Instead, I got them an apartment near our parents and I flew to Nam for a year. I didn't stay the year. With seventy-eight days left I caught a round in my leg and it sent me home. I spent three days in a hospital in Saigon, a week in a hospital in Hawaii and then was sent back to the mainland for further rehab and healing.

In the time between being shot and getting home Marie's Momma continued to talk about how reckless and foolish I was to risk my life in the military. She advised Marie to get me to get out of the military and get a "real job." I came home to that conversation, that pressure. Marie and her Momma knew I was looking at the military as a career when we got married. Marie supported that, then.

After two months at home, near home, in rehab I was cleared for duty again and we were stationed at a base less than three hours from home. Marie seemed happy again and the pressure lessened. A little.

Near the end of 1969 I was sent back to Nam. Not for a full tour but just for thirty days. What I was doing was classified so I could tell Marie I was going, and how long I would be gone but not where I was going or what I would be doing once I got there. She was quite worried but tempered the worry with the knowledge that I'd only be gone a month.

That trip ended my military career. I was shot again. The bullet went through my shoulder, doing enough damage that the doctors said I couldn't continue to function in the Air Force. I was medically retired.

My one month trip turned into four months in the hospital, three surgeries, months of physical therapy and a return to civilian status. The scars were ugly. Marie cried every time she saw them for almost a year after I came back. We moved into a rental house four miles from our parents homes and I went looking for work.

A friend from church found me a job. It was interesting, challenging work and it paid pretty well. I figured Momma would finally be happy. I was out, working, her daughter was near her and she got to be Grandma. I was wrong.

She bitched about me often. I got to know Marie's brother and his family better and at some point I asked her brother if Momma was hard on him as well. He admitted that Momma had never liked me. He also admitted that he had heard her plotting to get Marie out of the marriage. She had said that Marie would be better off as a single Mom than being married to me. She had said it more than once.

Marie's sister's husband, Aaron, and I became better friends as well. He didn't know why Momma disliked me, but he was aware of it. He was glad I caught the heat because he knew it spared him. When we were at ball games, picnics or other times when it was just our kids and the two of us we joked about the situation, a little.

It all came to a head the year our son, Adam, graduated from high school. He graduated and within a month moved to college. He was a good student and a good soccer player. The soccer had landed him a scholarship. After he had been gone for four months Marie came to me and said she wanted a divorce.

The church doctrine made it clear that divorce was not Ok. When you got married you were expected to tough it out, stay together and solve your problems.

I wanted to know why she wanted a divorce. She agreed that I was a good husband. She agreed that I was a good father. Her reason for wanting the divorce was that she was tired of being a wife... and that she didn't love me. I recommended we go for counseling, therapy, some kind of intervention. The answer was "No."

Marie and our daughter stayed in the house. I got a small apartment. Almost every time I called the house after I moved out Momma answered. Almost every time I called I was told that Marie and Krystn weren't home. They didn't call back. I had been isolated away from my family. I parked down the street from my old home and called the house. Momma said Marie wasn't there. Ten minutes later they walked out and got in Momma's car and left. She lied.

It happened so often that I found a way to see Krystn on her way home from school for just a few minutes a few times a week. I told her what Grandma was doing and she didn't believe me.

A month later I showed her my phone bill and the twenty-eight calls to her home that lasted less than a minute each. She went home and asked Grandma if I ever called and asked for her. Grandma said I didn't call. She said she hadn't spoken to me in months.

Krystn asked her mother if she ever talked to me. Her mother responded that as long as the checks kept coming she didn't need or want to talk to me. Krystn and I had a relationship built on being honest with each other, and that we both knew would be best kept from Grandma and Marie.

I spoke to my son once in a while, while he was at school. He made the mistake of mentioning that we had talked when he came home for Thanksgiving. The firestorm that erupted sent him two messages: he was not to talk to me and that he should never mention my name again. When he went back to school he changed his phone number and my letters came back as undeliverable.

I attended two of his soccer games and he didn't spend any time with me, other than to thank me for coming to the games. No conversation about family, his life, my life, school or anything. From then on I attended games, made sure he saw me but I didn't approach him. If he wanted me, I was there and he knew it.

One day when Krystn was twenty I got a call from her. She wanted me to meet the young man she had been dating. She was serious about him. On one of their dates I met them at a restaurant for dinner. I liked him. It was obvious he was in love with Krystn and that they were headed for marriage. I asked a lot of fatherly questions and he gave lots of very good answers. At the end of dinner I said, "You two probably shouldn't tell Grandma or your Mom that we had dinner. I don't think they would be happy about it."

Krystn responded, "They better get used to you being in my life. When we get married I want you to walk me down the aisle!"

I was touched and overwhelmed by hearing her say that. Her young man said, "I know about the conflict and we're ready for the heat. Will you walk her down the aisle?"

"You name the time and place and I'll be there, rented tux and everything."

They set a date and started planning a wedding. Krystn discovered how strong Grandma's influence was over her mother during the planning. Marie would agree with something when Krystn talked to her about it and the next day, after Marie spoke with her mother, everything changed.

At a family dinner held at Grandma's house, Krystn and Matt sprang me on the family. The conversation had been about flowers and food and dancing when Mike said, "Krystn and I want her Dad to walk her down the aisle."

The house went quiet for a long time and finally Grandma said, "If that man is going to be at the wedding then you can count me out! I will not be under the same roof with him."

Krystn said, "He is my Dad. It is my wedding. If I want him there, he can be there. I will miss you if you choose not to be there, but he has already agreed to walk me down the aisle." She stood up, took Matt's hand and they left Grandma's house.

The next day my phone rang at work. For the first time in ten years I heard Marie's voice on the phone. She didn't even say hello or identify herself.

"I don't want you to come."

"Who is this?" I asked. I knew who it was.

"Marie. I mean it. I don't want you to come."

"Marie? My ex-wife? It can't be. She hasn't made a phone call in ten years. Who is this really?"

"It's Marie. I make phone calls, just not to you. But, this is important! If you come to the wedding, you'll ruin it!"

"I'll ruin it? By doing what the bride and groom asked me to do? How can that be?"

"Momma won't come if you'll be there. Momma helped raise Krystn. Momma has been there for her, her whole life. You haven't. I don't want you there."

"Can you call me back after four? I need to think about your request and I want you to call me back. Can you do that?"

"Four?"

"Yes." There was a pause and she said, "Yes, I'll call you at four."

I called Krystn. "Honey, I want you and Matt to take your Momma out for dinner. I'll pay for dinner. I want the four of us to talk. She shouldn't know I'll be there. This is important to me and I think important to the two of you, too."

"How about we go to El Patio? Mom likes that restaurant."

"Tonight about six thirty?"

"Yes! We'll be there."

"It would be best if Grandma doesn't even know where you're going."

"Gotcha!"

At four the phone rang. I answered and Marie said, "So what's your answer?"

"Hello. My answer is that I'd like to meet with your Bishop before agreeing to not be at the wedding. I always liked Allan before he became Bishop and I want his advice. Will you meet with me and Allan?"

"No! This is not something I want talked about all over the church! This is a private matter between us."

"Don't you think someone will notice when the father of the bride isn't at her wedding? Won't that cause talk? And, aren't Bishop's supposed to keep conversations confidential?"

"I won't meet with him. I don't want to see you, either."

"I still want his advice. With you or without you I'm going to meet with him. If you decide you want to be there let me know. In fact, call me and give me two or three times when you could meet with us and I'll be sure to set the appointment for one of those times."

"I won't call you back. I won't meet with you and Allan!"

"Then when can I call you back to give you my answer?"

"Can't you give me your answer now?"

"My answer now is that I'll be there. I'll walk Krystn down the aisle. If you want me to look at your request seriously then I need time and we'll need to talk again."

"Call me at home on Monday morning."

"No. You call me here at work on Monday morning."

"I will!" She hung up. I called Allan and we talked for almost an hour. He had known Marie and her Momma for just as long as I had. His advice was said in one sentence: "I look forward to seeing you at the wedding."

When I walked into El Patio I saw that Krystn had made sure that Marie sat faced away from the entrance. I walked to their table and sat next to Matt, across from Marie and Krystn.

"What are you doing here?" Marie asked.

"Paying for dinner. Isn't it Ok for a man to buy his daughter, her fiance' and his ex dinner?"

"I want to go home. I've lost my appetite."

Krystn looked at her mother and said, "Eat or don't eat. That's up to you. It's eight miles home and you didn't drive. We want to talk to you and I thought this would be nice, sharing a meal together while we talk."

"What is there to talk about?"

Matt said, "How about the wedding?" At that moment the waitress came and we took a moment to order. It had been years since I had been in El Patio with Marie but I remembered that she always ordered the chicken tostada salad. She looked at the menu for half a minute and ordered the chicken tostada salad. I ordered chicken enchiladas. When the waitress had gone Matt repeated, "How about the wedding?"

"Did you tell Krystn that you called me at work today?" I asked.

Krystn turned to her mother and said, "You did?"

"Yes. I called to ask him not to come to the wedding."

"Isn't it my wedding?" Krystn asked.

"Yes, but you're making a mistake. Nick shouldn't be a part of it! He left you years ago. He didn't raise you. Your Grandma and I raised you."

"Why wasn't Dad a part of that?"

"He never came by, never called."

"Oh, but he did Mom. I've seen the phone records. Hundreds of less than a minute phone calls that I never got. Grandma said we weren't home and she never gave me the messages."

"That's not true!" Marie protested.

I pulled photocopies from my briefcase and handed them to Marie. Years of phone records.

As she looked at them I said, "Out in my car I have photos of every birthday present, Christmas present and other gift I sent to the house and that were returned. I'll bet you would recognize the handwriting on the packages that says "Return to sender." It's your Mother's handwriting. I wasn't in Krystn's life because someone wanted me out. I found ways to get the presents to her, but it wasn't easy."

Marie digested the overwhelming evidence in front of her and handed the copies back to me. Our dinners arrived. We ate in silence and finally Krystn asked, "You still want me to tell Daddy not to come to my wedding? You still think Grandma was so good to me, to us, that I should bend to what she wants?"

"She's my mother!"

I put my fork down, looked across at Marie. "Ok. She's your mother. What are you willing to give up so that I get something to compensate for missing Krystn's wedding?"

"Give up?" She looked at me like she didn't understand.

"Yes! You want me to give up something big. Something huge! Something every Dad wants to be a part of. What do I get?"

"What do you want?"

"Nothing! I want to be there. I want to be in a tux and proudly walk my daughter down the aisle to Matt. That's what I want. If you want me to give that up you have to compensate me well."

"I don't know what I could give you."

I sat quietly, waiting.

Matt said, "Does Nick still send you a check every month?"

Marie said, "Yes. Our divorce has him pay me alimony every month."

"He's still paying?" Matt asked. We had never talked about it. He was walking into an area he knew nothing about.

"Yes! He has to."

"Would you be willing to change the court order and stop getting alimony?" I asked.

"I need that money!"

"So what are you willing to give up?" Matt asked.

It was very quiet. The waitress came and I gave her a credit card for dinner. Marie looked at Krystn and said, "Having Nick there will ruin the day for Momma and for me. He ought to see that and not be there."

"What would he need to give you to have you stay home?" Krystn asked.

"I wouldn't stay home! You're my daughter! I want to be there when you get married."

"I feel the same way. For twenty-seven years your Mother has disliked me. To my way of thinking she plotted and ended our marriage, not my time in the service or my injuries. It has come down to her deciding either she will be at Krystn's wedding or I will. Now, I put it on you. I'll tell you what I will accept. I will stay away on the day of the wedding if you show me an amended court order stopping the alimony forever and if you spend a weekend in bed with me, having sex with me."

"I can't!" She said it loud enough that people all over El Patio turned and looked at her.

"Why not? Are you a virgin? I don't think so. You have had sex with me before. I remember. I'll make reservations at The Blue Lantern Inn, down at Dana Point and no one except the four of us will ever know."

Matt was working hard not to smile. Krystn had never heard me talk about my sex life with her mother before. She was a little shocked. She looked at me, not her mother.

"I can't." She paused, adding, "What could I tell my mother?"

"Tell her the price for me staying away was for you to give up alimony forever. You don't need to tell her about the Blue Lantern Inn. And, so you feel safer, I haven't had sex with anyone in three years. I had a complete physical two months ago and other than some minor problems with a bad shoulder, I'm healthy and have no diseases."

"I need to think."

"Ok. Matt, I think dinner is over. I'll know her answer when she calls me to say no or I get the court order in the mail and a note telling me what weekend, before the wedding, to make reservations at the Inn. As soon as I know, you'll know." I shook Matt's hand, hugged Krystn and kissed her good-bye. I stood with my arms open and waited a few seconds for Marie to decide what she was going to do. She stayed in her chair. I left.

Ten days later I got a letter from the court letting me know that the court order for spousal support had been terminated and a copy of the new court order. I checked with my attorney and found out that the way it had been written alimony was over and could not be reinstated. Two days later my phone rang and Marie said, "I changed the court order."

"Yes! Thanks. I have my calendar open. What dates?"

"I want us to be clear about this. We go to this Inn and stay two days. During the stay I agree to have sex with you, once."

"No. We will be served breakfast in the room both mornings. We will go out for lunch and dinner at nice sit-down restaurants and other than that you will be in the room with me, naked and willing for as much sex as I want."

"I don't know if I can have a lot of sex! I haven't been in bed with anyone but you, ever."

"I'll bring some lube. As you probably remember, I like you shaved. If you don't want to do it, that's Ok. I'll do it when we get to our room."

"Sometimes you are so nasty."

"Sometimes you believe babies start by spontaneous combustion. Look around at church this Sunday. All those children were started by a hard penis' going into a willing vagina. God made it feel good for a reason."

"What if I can't do it?"

"Then I rent a tux. I have it reserved. That's why we're going before the wedding."