BRYAN'S PUB NIGHT
It was a brilliant walk to the Fisherman's Arms in the early evening. It was alongside the river most of the way, on the sunnier side of the bank. The developers of Cooper's Meadow had landscaped the area near their section of the river to provide a wild area with a village pond to one side, already populated by ducks and a pair of mute swans. There was also a small park with a fenced off play area, which I thought would be ideal for Brie to play in, even if it was only during her visits. I was beginning to cover all bases, aware that even if the best of plans didn't go according to plan, I had a fallback. All part of my training as a troop commander of armoured tanks or Scimitar reconnaissance vehicles.
As I had one of the better (in my view) corner plots of the development, I was close by the river and the furthest downstream so I just had fields and meadows on one side and a little landscaped walk from my back gate, down to the riverside walk.
Although the sun was low in the sky, I could still feel the heat on my face, but there was a light breeze running along the river which was cooled by the water, so it felt quite pleasant. I had thought it would take about twenty minutes, but I walked quickly, as I was keen to actually get inside the pub as soon as possible. It was just in case Carla started working at seven and I didn't want to miss seeing her for a single minute, so it only took about ten minutes from my back gate to the edge of the pub car park, and I was nicely warmed up and joints feeling loose by the time I got there. The grounds of the ancient pub actually extends down to the waterside, so the path takes a couple of ninety degree turns to around it, before you find yourself walking by what used to be the main road into town, before they built the bypass. It is a quiet road now, with speed bumps and pinched access nearer the town.
As I walked along the picket fence around the car park, I fancied I saw Carla striding purposefully across the still largely empty space, heading towards the pub. I didn't shout out, as I didn't want to embarrass her. Besides, she might have been running late for her session. She veered off from the bar entrance and went through a gate at the back, clearly a staff entrance. I ascertained her route through the car park to locate her car; though I didn't need to work out any fancy trigonometry in my head. I saw immediately where she had parked, even if I hadn't recognised her car from earlier at the supermarket. She had sensibly parked as far as she could from the pub entrance, to preserve her old banger from more that the few normal wear-and-tear dents the car had gained in its useful life, and under a street light set slightly further back, which was perfectly placed so that she could see anyone loitering around the car at the dead of night when she left the pub.
Carla always was a bright cookie, she stood out of the crowd for me even when she was just a kid. Really, she should have, and I had fully expected her to have, gone far in her life, much further than being a barmaid in a local pub.
That stopped me dead in my tracks. Bloody hell! Me, I was the problem here, I was the one that had changed Carla's life for ever, and not for the better!
I was the one who messed with her career by making her pregnant. I was the one who defaulted on the father's contribution to her child's upkeep and to pay for childcare. That's why she was reduced to working part-time in this pub and forced to drive an old banger to work and down to the supermarket. Then another brick in the wall of her current lifestyle slapped me around the head, she wasn't just shopping to help her Mum and Dad with pulling the BBQ together, she was doing the household shop because she is probably still living at home in her parents' house.
Here I was, happily looking forward to the fun of idly watching the woman I love work, but maybe it wasn't fun for her, and clearly I had been idle for long enough. This was serious stuff.
I had turned a bright, beautiful, talented young woman, with a wonderful future ahead of her, into a single, abandoned, unmarried mother with a fatherless child, falling back on parental support and forced into doing meaningless servile work to fund any little extras or for the feeling of having at least some degree of autonomy in her life.
There's only a fraction of the responsibility here for the mother to bear, and absolutely no blame for this situation on the part of the child. Little Brie might have been fatherless and born out of wedlock, but she was the totally innocent party here and I will never accept that she should bear any share of the blame for the situation of her birth.
No sirree, if anyone was the Bastard in this drama, if there ever was a villain of the piece, it was me, I was the Bastard here.
I had been, and still was in ignorance of the existence of this situation, but that has got to come to an end. I have serious commitments here and a considerable amount of catch up to do.
I am remembering more of our conversation during that long date four years ago with Carla. Oh how she spoke about her career at the time, just starting to learn about typographical design and the technical side of preparing layouts for print and web. Her art came naturally to her, it was using the technology to translate her ideas into reality that was fascinating to her. She just loved putting together design concepts, first with sketches and then paring the requirements down until producing the final artwork for approval. She was such a creative person, smart and a great visualizer of what was required to fit the bill.
I know there is an argument that I should have been informed by Carla from the outset that I was responsible for Brie, but I can understand the pressures of family and society. Having had to deal with the problems of the men serving under me, boys from so many different backgrounds, some so far removed from the comfortable surroundings that I grew up in and has drawn me back here. There's pride and shame of the poor girl, as she was then, that has to be taken into account.
Maybe Carla didn't want to say to her parents who the father was, maybe she was sacrificing her reputation for mine. I can see her doing that, taking on her delicate-framed shoulders all of the responsibility. But I should have taken the time that night to have donned that condom, those two condoms in fact. I didn't take the responsibility that I should have done at the time, and that is inexcusable.
As a tank commander in hostile territory, I wouldn't dream of leaving for patrol without ensuring all the men wore their body armour and weapons and everyone's comms equip was checked passed muster. All right. I could argue in my defence that I was extremely horny at the time, and boy was I! But I am not a beast, nor a rutting animal, I should have taken care of it there and then. There should have been no second guesses about safety, whether the engagement involved was with a mate or the enemy. I was in the wrong, big time, of that I had no doubt.
And I should be the one who has to pay for being in the wrong. I should take care of my responsibilities now, and I am determined that I will.