Brownwood: I Dreamed

I had a dream my life would be

So different from this hell I'm living

- I Dreamed a Dream, Les Misérables

****

Spring 2004 - Brownwood

Zach stared at his mother with an odd sense of déjà vu.

The previous months had found his life returning back to normal. Shannon had turned four and Ginny and Hector had their baby, a little boy named Phillip Miguel Chavez. Mother and baby were doing well. Zach and Allie were working on restoring their relationship and setting boundaries they could both live with.

He'd even started dating again although there was no one he was serious about. He knew what he was searching for and was struggling to find it.

Things with the Olsens had cooled after his visit, so Zach was surprised when he received a wedding invitation from Bree's cousin, Michelle.

He was even more surprised when his mother asked him about it later that night.

"So are you going?" she asked, giving him an obviously fake, sweet smile.

"No," he said mimicking her smile.

"Michelle will be hurt if you don't go. She's always had a crush on you, you know."

"Yeah," Zach laughed, "but that was when she was still a kid. She's what now, twenty-one?"

"Twenty," Allie replied. "She's crazy about the Barnes boy but I know she'd still love for you to come to her wedding."

"Mom, Bree will be there and it would be awkward for everyone. I don't want to cause any problems. Besides it's Michelle's special day."

Allie smiled.

"That's what we thought you'd say."

"Who's we?"

"Sherriff Olsen stopped by the diner to make sure you knew you'd be welcomed at his daughter's wedding. Priscilla and Gerald would like to meet with you again too. I think they want to personally invite you to come."

"A simple phone call would do."

"I'm sure there's more to it than just that. Please give them a call, Zach."

He looked suspiciously at his mother.

"I'm trying," Allie said softly.

"All right, Mom, I'll call them."

****

Zach smiled as he sat in the Olsens' living room. He was facing Gerald and Priscilla along with both Tommy and Donna. The similarity to his last visit was obvious and the irony wasn't lost on him.

"Thank you for coming over, Zach," Gerald said. "We felt we needed to tell you in person that we'd be honored if you attended Michelle's wedding."

"Zach," Priscilla added softly. "We'd love to have you there."

"Thank you," Zach replied. "But I don't want to be the cause of anything that would take away from Michelle's wedding. I won't do that to her."

"Well, there's no one here that would have a problem with you being there," Gerald stated.

Zach noticed even Donna nodded.

"Thank you, but I'm sure Bree will be there. I wouldn't want to make her feel uncomfortable."

"Well then," came a voice behind him. "You should probably talk to her and ask her how she feels about it."

Turning around, he saw Bree standing there in an old t-shirt and jeans. He noticed her nose had been fixed, which added to her already distracting beauty.

"So how long have you been standing there?" Zach asked warily, as a strained look flashed across his face.

"Not long," Bree answered, noticing his expression. "Are you all right?"

Zach smirked.

"Other than feeling like I've been tricked into coming out here? Yeah, I'm all right. I'll get over it."

Bree smiled sadly and went to get her coat out of the closet.

"Take a walk with me? We've got a lot to talk about."

He nodded and followed her out into the cool March air.

They walked silently for several minutes across a recently plowed field. There was so much to say but neither knew where to begin.

"I'm surprised to see you here," Zach said, breaking the awkward silence. "Are you back or just visiting?"

"No, actually I got a nursing position at Sacred Heart. I start next week."

"So you're back in Brownwood?"

She nodded. "Is that a problem?"

He shook his head.

"No, we're both learning to move on with our lives. I'll be honest though, it would be easier if you weren't here. The likelihood we'll run into each other on occasion is high. Brownwood isn't that big.

"You may or may not be dating someone already but you'll soon be. You're too attractive to not have lots of guys offering to take you out. Seeing you on the arm of another guy will be uncomfortable at first but I'll get over it."

"That's not fair, Zach. You act like seeing some woman hanging on you will be easy for me to deal with. Well it won't be! I know you're dating. I've even heard you rarely date the same woman more than a couple times."

"Guilty as charged," he said softly. "Guess I have commitment issues."

Bree looked as if he'd slapped her and he noticed her lips begin to tremble.

"Zach... I'm sorry... for everything," she said softly, her voice breaking.

"Bree stop," he interrupted. "It's done and now we're both trying to work through it."

He could see the tears starting to run down her cheeks.

"How could you, Zach? How could you do that to me?"

She shook her head as she wiped her eyes.

"No," she stated, "you don't have to answer. I already know. I knew I'd hurt you but I never dreamed it was so deep. Do you still hate me?"

Zach stopped and reached for her. When he touched her arm she pulled away.

"Don't," she stated softly and stepped away from him.

"Please, I'm not..." she said, trembling, "I'm not ready for that."

Zach looked into her eyes and saw the full aftermath of his revenge. The girl that'd been his best friend and first real love was now a scared, broken woman. He felt the tears well in his eyes.

"Bree," he said softly, as a tear streaked down his face. "I'm so sorry.

"Yeah, I did hate you. Everything I had, every plan, every hope was wrapped up in you and when you left, you destroyed me. You took the future I'd always dreamed of with you. What you left behind was an angry, bitter man. I ended up building barriers around parts of my life so I could move on.

"Then you came back and my world was threatened again. I did everything I could to protect myself. However, when we started making love all those barriers began collapsing. I was cornered and... and I lost it. All the pain and anger erupted. I'm sorry, you didn't deserve that."

"But I deserved some of it, didn't I?"

He looked deep into her eyes and recognized the need for brutal honesty at that moment. Slowly he shook his head.

"No. You deserved some kind of bad karma or revenge but not that. No one deserves that. Bree, I can't tell you how ashamed I am of what I did. That isn't who I am and it's sure not the type of man I want around my daughter.

"But Bree? You can't keep blaming yourself for everything. It's killing you."

"And you still care?" she said quietly.

"You know I do."

Bree smiled.

"Yeah, I do. I read your letter but I was also hiding on the stairs and heard what you told my family last Thanksgiving."

Zach looked confused.

"But then why didn't you—"

"Because I wasn't ready to face you yet," she stated, interrupting him. "You aren't the only one who struggles with how they feel."

They walked silently together for a few minutes.

"You were right though," she said gently.

He looked at her questioningly.

"About a lot of things. I started meeting with a therapist who deals with abuse victims when I got back to Brownwood. You might know her, Sarah Richards?"

He smirked.

"You know I do. I hope she helps you like she's helping me."

"Me too," Bree said with a small smile. "Zach, you were right about other things as well. I wasn't completely honest with you.

"I didn't lie to you but I didn't tell you everything. Part of that was because I was ashamed and the other reason was because you simply didn't want to hear it. There wasn't any reason to bear my soul to you anymore than I already had.

"I never took all the money Ty thought I had. Autumn brought me my half of the $50,000 I knew was in the safe.

"I went back to Boston and tried to find her after Ty was shot. When I finally did find her, I wished I hadn't. It was so sad. Ty had messed up her face so badly that it is scarred for life. She admitted to me she'd kept the other $175,000 she'd found in the safe. She'd given most of it back to Ty but he'd beaten her anyway."

"Bree, I don't need to know—"

"Shut up! Yes, you do need to know this," she snapped. "If I'm going to be completely honest then you need to know the whole story. Afterwards, you can decide what to do with it, but you do need to hear this... all of it."

He slowly nodded.

"Okay, Bree. I'm listening."

She took a deep breath and steadied herself.

"About a year into our marriage, Ty wanted to start swinging but I wasn't interested. He got more and more aggressive about it. There were several parties where he tried to pass me around like some party favor. By the time I became pregnant again, I was sure he was cheating on me but I never got the chance to prove it.

"The one time I was with anyone other than my husband was what you saw in that video. That night we had a party and some of his old college friends attended. Why I gave in that particular night, I'm not sure. I guess I just quit fighting. I was drunk and high and seeing Derek and Reggie brought back some messed up memories from my old sorority days.

"The next morning I overheard them laughing and talking. I learned I'd been drugged back in college and those were the two assholes I'd had sex with along with Ty. The rest of those bastards who claimed to have had me that night were full of shit. I was pissed, Zach, no I was livid!

"I made an ugly scene. I'm sure Ty would've hit me if his frat brothers weren't there. I screamed at him and ended up telling him I wanted a divorce as I stormed out. I told you why I went back to him but not why he attacked me. I heard you tell my folks he'd told you the reason."

He nodded.

"He wasn't lying," she said, tears filling her eyes. "It wasn't his. He'd gone to the doctor for some reason and discovered he was sterile. When he got home he went berserk!

"Zach, I can honestly tell you that my first child wasn't yours. The timing wasn't right. Both children had to have been either Derek's or Reggie's, since I'd never been with anyone but Ty until then.

"I know what you think of me, Zach. But—"

"Bree, I was wrong," he interjected. "I don't believe you're a slut."

She looked at the ground and steeled herself.

"But I was. I was a slut! Not because of what I did with Ty, but because of the things I did with all three of them. There's no other way to put it."

Zach shook his head and turned away.

"What?" Bree asked, alarmed. "What are you thinking?"

"Nothing," he said softly, still refusing to look at her.

"Bullshit," she said sternly. "Today we're clearing the air so don't hold back on me, Zach Morgan!"

"Please," she begged.

"It's just..." he stammered, trying to phrase his question as gently as possible. "Look, I saw you when you were with those three guys. You were in heaven. How can you ever look at a guy from now on and tell him you'd be satisfied with only him?"

She was silent for a moment.

"You're wrong, it wasn't heaven," she said in a steady, unfaltering voice. "It was a high just like any other drug. Even though I was pretty out of it, I remember that night. I remember enjoying it and begging for more. I was lonely and in a bad marriage and had let my guard down.

"But what wasn't on that DVD was what that night did to me. It didn't show the shame and regret I've felt for years, knowing I allowed it to happen. I know some women wouldn't feel that way, but I do. That's not me and I've had to deal with the guilt ever since.

"As for how I can promise it'll never happen again? Well, that's like someone doing heroin for the first time. The high may be incredible but the aftermath can be so devastating they'll never go near it again. If I ever have the desire to do something like that again, my husband will have to purchase several sex toys because there will never be anyone in my bed again but my husband.

"Zach, you need to know I'm not that girl in the DVD anymore. No man will ever use me like that again. When I fall in love again, and I know I will someday, I'll give that man every part of me. I'll give him everything I have but he'll be the kind of man who won't mistreat me. He won't feel pleasure from seeing me humiliated or being treated like a piece of meat."

"Then that man will be very lucky," Zach added quietly.

"You mean it?" she said, unable to keep the pleading out of her voice. "I mean you're not just saying that to try and be nice to an old, messed up friend?"

Zach stared at her intently. He knew he was at a crossroads. He could either crush her spirit or help her heal. He smiled to himself, realizing how easy that choice was for him now.

"No, I'm not just saying that to make you feel better. I may've done something like that in the past, but not now.

"You said we're clearing the air today, so I guess it's my turn..."

He took a deep breath.

"The reason I said the guy you choose to love would be lucky is because it's true. That man will be damn lucky! Bree, you are something incredibly special and I'm not talking about how hot you are."

She instinctively reached for her eye.

"You know you're beautiful. Even with that tiny droop, you're still one of the most beautiful women in this city!

"No, I'm talking about how incredible you are inside. Even when we were kids, I knew you were special. You were loud and funny and you brought life to any room you walked into. You were friendly to almost everyone and were rarely ever cruel. You never put anyone down, other than a couple of

mean girls

in school.

"At the same time, growing up, there was never anyone you were intimidated by, including most adults. You seemed to have no fear and you brought out the best in those who were shy, like me.

"Bree, you were special as a kid and you're still something special. Yeah, you've made some bad decisions over the years, who hasn't? But inside you're still the same incredible girl. Any guy, and I mean

any

guy, would be damn lucky to have you beside him."

Zach stopped to catch his breath and saw the tears streaming down her face.

"Dammit, Bree," he said, his voice choked with emotion. "There's nobody like you and never will be. That's why when you left me, you devastated me. I knew I could never replace you. I hoped Susan might've but all it got me was a precious baby girl, a horrible marriage, and a quick, painful divorce."

They stopped and stared at each other. Zach brushed a stray tear away from his eye, while Bree wiped her eyes with the sleeves of her coat. He watched her as she gave him a small, warm smile.

"So," she whispered. "Does this mean you'll come to the wedding and dance with me at the reception?"

Zach chuckled.

"Sure."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

****

The Barnes/Olsen wedding was held that June at All Saints Catholic Church. The reception was held across the street in the St. Catherine's College banquet hall.

Joel Barnes was the oldest son of Brownwood Assistant District Attorney, Hank Barnes, while Michelle Olsen was the youngest child of Sheriff Henry Olsen. To say there were a large number of individuals representing law enforcement would've been a gross understatement. Zach couldn't help but wonder if he had any outstanding tickets as he stood in the reception line.

"Zach, you made it!" Michelle squealed and gave him a huge hug.

"Of course," he laughed. "How could I miss Strawberry Shortcake's wedding!"

Zach stood frozen as the hug lingered on, becoming precariously close to being inappropriate. As soon as he could, he carefully peeled the young, strawberry blonde bride off of him. Turning, he quickly shook the groom's hand.

"Congratulations," he hurriedly stated, "you guys make a great couple."

"So, you're Zach," Joel said calmly with a guarded smile. "The one she had a crush on?"

Zach continued smiling politely as his tried to read the groom's expression. The young man had the same poker face as his father and Zach wasn't sure if he saw a hint of humor or something more sinister.

"Well, she might've had one when she was a little girl," Zach said, forcing a laugh. "But now she's all grown-up and she's found her true love. Again, you're both very lucky."

Joel smiled warmly as any perceived tension quickly vanished.

Mercifully, Zach reached the end of the reception line and began quickly working his way towards the exit. Her laugh stopped him. He turned and saw Bree immediately. It took a moment before he could breathe again. She had dressed to make an impression and had succeeded. She looked stunning.

"So are you already trying to sneak out?" Bree said, unable to hide her laugh.

"Umm... yeah. I thought it would be smart to leave before someone felt the need to talk to me about that hug."

Bree giggled.

"I thought you handled it pretty well. Although it was a little—"

"Awkward."

Bree laughed and then snorted. It was an apparent side effect from her surgery.

"Yeah, but you don't have to worry about it. Michelle's crazy about her new husband and he knows it. Besides it's been a long day for her, lots of stress. She's allowed a little forgiveness when it comes to her emotions today.

"Besides," she said, smiling at him. "You still owe me a dance."

"Well, I wouldn't want to leave without honoring my debts."

"Good!" she said, smiling. "Let's go."

As they walked towards the dance floor, Bree gently slid her hand into his. Zach looked at her with uncertainty.

"I figure unless we only dance fast dances, we're going to end up touching."

"Besides," she said shyly. "Weddings bring out the romantic in me."

Zach smiled and followed her out onto the floor. Soon he was holding her close as they danced. It felt so natural, her softness pressed against him. He was so focused on the sensation he almost missed her sniffle.

"Do you ever wonder what our wedding would've been like?" she said softly.

He pulled her even closer.

"More than I care to admit," he whispered.

She rested her head on his shoulder.

"Me too."

After dancing for a few songs, the couple found an empty table.

Bree broke the silence by addressing the elephant in the room.

"So where does that leave us, Zach?"

He chuckled.

"Dazed and confused?"

She smiled and nodded.

"Bree? I know I'm still messed up, but if you don't have plans one night this week, I'd like to take you out."

"Like on a date?" Bree replied, trying to hide her grin.

"Yeah, like on a date. That is if you're available."

Bree laughed then snorted again. Instinctively, she put her hand over her nose. Zach grinned.

"Stop it," she said, stifling a laugh. "It's not funny."

"Oh, the price of beauty," he said, smiling. "I will say it is worth it though. There's no one here that can hold a candle to you, Bree."

She looked at him and beamed.

"Well," she began, the smile never leaving her face. "To answer your poorly veiled question, I've been out on a few dates since I've been back but none are worth mentioning. The first was a real nice guy from Radiology who took me out a few times before we both accepted there wasn't enough chemistry between us to continue. The second was a very handsome older man who I dated a few times before I found out the asshole was married. The third was an octopus posing as a doctor. I almost had to Taser him before I could crawl out of his BMW. That date lasted less than two hours and I ended up calling a cab to take me home."

Zach smirked.