I scurried back on my hands and feet to avoid a very sharp pair of claws that landed too close to comfort to the top my inseams. My hardwood floors had no chance as the black and shiny claws carved into them and trailed back towards her body ever so slowly. I regretted wishing my luck with women would change and I thought to myself if I ever made it out of this alive with my limbs intact I would find Justin and punch him right in the nose. My life was flashing before my eyes as I quickly bobbed my head to the left and narrowly avoided her narcotic kiss.
My name's Paul and you're probably wondering how I got myself into this unique situation, and I don't blame you because I ask myself that same question every day. I might be unlucky, or that God hates me but I never really liked the guy anyway. I like to think it was just bad karma and that I pissed off too many people that the Karma IRS is coming after me for back tax I owe. That's not that hard to believe considering I have an uncanny knack for making someone extremely pissed off at me. Perhaps it was my witty sense of humor, or perhaps it was my cynicism. Who knows? All I know is that I get by alright even with all of that.
"Yo, dude, you gotta come with us one of these days," Justin said to me, his eyes never leaving the television as the two sweaty men on the screen grappled each other again.
"To what?" I asked, feigning ignorance, my eyes not leaving my computer screen.
"A party, man. Don't be a pussy. Drugs are good for you, so's the booze," he replied. That Justin, always a real party animal. He thinks he has the constitution of a horse.
"I don't know, man. Depends on how bored I am that night."
"You mean, on how much you miss your ex, right?" he threw me a glance laced with a hint of a smirk. He quickly caught the couch cushion I threw at his face. "It's this Friday."
So we went. There were a lot of omens that night, and you might say that hindsight is twenty-twenty, but damn it why didn't I heed those warnings? For starters, the moon was full and we all know a lot of bad things start with a full moon. Wasn't the word lunacy is derived from the moon? My guts churned as I got into the back of Justin's dull blue Honda and the skin on the back of my neck tingled as the car started forward. We passed an accident on the side of the highway on the BQE; another sign. The highways of New York looked and felt surreal at night. There was none of that noisy din of engines and horns as during the day, all I could hear were the road and other cars occasionally passing by and when you don't try to focus on the headlights they glow eerily in your peripherals as if they were living metal mounts with glowing eyes in the night and the sounds of them passing by became their breaths. I've always felt that I had an artistic mind, because I tend to find the beauty in the most mundane things. And this must have made me doze off because I was rudely awakened by my face hitting the back of the passenger seat.
"We're here," Justin announced.
"I didn't know I befriended Captain Obvious," I retorted. Hell, a blind man could have found this party without any assistance. The loud thump of a bass on a poorly equalized speaker shook the ground as I put one sneakered shoe onto the pavement followed by the other. I stepped forward and drew my black leather jacket closer. A brisk chill blew through the trees reminded me that autumn was in full season and that summer was long gone. As I zipped up my jacket I gazed up at the house. Man it was a beauty, especially with the backdrop of the full moon. The house looked intimidating as it was enveloped by the white light of the moon. It was a nice two story mock Tudor home that was shaped in a large L with a great lawn on the front and nicely trimmed hedges. The roof was highly steepled and the second floor was overhanging the porch. The walls were half-timbered with herringbone brickwork in between beams and painted egg white with tall mullioned black window frames to contrast the colors which I'm sure would have looked great on a sunny summer day. Wish I could live in a house like this after university. Wished.
Two ominous looking gargoyle statues in fearsome poses stood guard upon the stone steps that led to the front door of solid oak. For a second I thought I could see the gargoyles' eyes glow red. I shook off the fear and turned to Justin.
"Dude, why didn't you say Dracula had a pad in Brooklyn?" I asked him.
He shook his head and continued forward clearly not amused. He climbed up those steps as if he really didn't mind the ominous stone creatures boring holes through my jacket. The door had one of those old style knockers on the front but I really doubted anyone could hear the miniscule taps. I scanned around and looked for the doorbell. After fifteen minutes of bashing on that damn button the door was opened by a jovial student with a red plastic cup in his hand. He greeted Justin like a long lost friend and handed him a drink as soon as he passed that threshold. Must be nice to come into a welcome like that, hell I wish my Starbucks did that, with slightly less homoeroticism because that same jovial "bro" just patted me on my ass. He tried to hand me a drink but I lifted my hand in refusal.
"Whoa, relax there, coach. I haven't won the championship yet." I said under my breath but he ignored me and rejoined the sea of people and left me alone. I opted for a cup of vodka instead.
"I'm going to go check out their back yard." I yelled into Justin's ear over the bass. Whoever the idiot was that thought pounding bass should be played at every party should be shot, drawn and quartered, repeatedly. I just knew my knees would be hurting in the morning as I waddled to their backyard patio. At least the moon looked nice, no clouds in sight and the air felt cool just enough to remind you winter's about to start. Staring at the nice waterfront made me lose myself in thought. It's been a hell of a few months. A few good things happened since High School, but a few bad things as well. Make that a whole ton of bad things. Even at this upbeat party, this great view and with all this revelry around me, nothing could avert me from my black mood. Now, don't go judging me as some emotional wreck. You would be doing the same thing if your high school sweetheart of two years left you for a school in Chicago and called you to say she just had sex with some other guy, effectively putting an end to our relationship. With love like that cupid can go shoot himself. Afterward, I think some people said that I've been too cynical and burnt out, but I think I just became wiser, kinda like Gandalf the Grey and my ex was the Balrog. Her whip of deceit snagged me down into the chasm of fire and magma, but we all know Gandalf comes back in the second movie. Those same people also said I hid behind a mask of sarcastic jokes as a defense mechanism. Well, it's not like they're psychologists or anything...
The wooden railing of the patio I was leaning on shook and broke me from my thoughts. There was a quick movement to my right as an entwined couple began necking on the railing. What I thought was necking, really turned out to be some drunk guy forcing himself on a pretty blond girl. They were in the shadows but what really stood out to me was the glowing red tattoo on the side of the girl's face that stretched from her eyebrow down her right cheek past her neck and stopped just above her collarbone. She moaned in what sounded like both pleasure yet there was a tone of reluctance in her voice.
"Stop." The girl didn't sound that stern and she half-giggled.
Call me old-fashioned, chivalrous, or chauvinistic, but I saw a woman being forced upon. There's something primal about the reaction to seeing a woman being distressed or hurt. Women were soft, gentle and beautiful. No way was this pig-headed or misogynist. Something caveman about me just hated it when a woman was in this situation and I just had to protect her, no matter what. I closed my hand into a fist trying to think of all the smart ass remarks I can make to taunt whoever the guy was. I might not have the most brawn, but my words cut like the proverbial hot knife through butter. I crept up from a darker part of the deck and placed my hand on his left shoulder.
"That makes three, and you know what they say about three being a crowd." I must have startled him as his back straightened up quickly and turned to face me.
"What the hell?" I must have been standing in a really dark corner of this patio, because this guy just grew 30 feet or something. I gulped hoping that he couldn't hear it. In reality he must have been standing over me about half a foot taller. He looked down at me and slapped my hand away from his shoulder and glared daggers at me with his nostrils flared out like some Minotaur, all he needed was a nose ring to complete his fearsome countenance. His hot breath falling short of my face but I could clearly smell that he's been chugging the flask. Smelt like scotch.
"I think the lady would like to mate with something in our species. I thought guys like you went extinct with the last Ice Age." I regarded him with one lifted eyebrow in a pose of mock appraisal.
There was a soft sound from behind the Minotaur guy; I had actually made the girl laugh which I don't think the Minotaur approved of. "Hey wise ass! You think you can just come up here and start making jokes when I'm about to go all medieval on your ass with this railing?"
"I don't think I brought my chainmail tonight. Can we reschedule?" I replied. Yep, that's me, my life about to end in three seconds and all I could do was joke. I saw the attack coming from a mile away. The thing with big guys like him was that they telegraph every attack and as long as you don't get hit you'll be fine. He had a small knife in his hand but I guess he was drunker than I had first thought so I took a step back and shifted my weight onto my right foot which allowed me to easily dodge the incoming slash and I retaliated by throwing my untouched cup of vodka into his eyes.
He quickly screamed in pain, because apparently vodka really hurts the eyes. He turned around sharply toward the girl but she ducked abruptly. She casted me a quick glance and a nod, which I took this to mean "I need your help." So I helped her and drove my right shoulder hard into the back of the Minotaur. He fell forward and tripped over the girl as she braced herself. The Minotaur guy was no more, or I should say he just went over the railing and landed hard on his back. I'm pretty sure he'll be feeling the effects of that in the morning, along with a nice visit from the hangover faerie.