Be Careful What You Choose

Dear reader,

I've started and stopped writing this story a dozen or more times. I finally finished it. Sometimes they come fast and furious and other times they are like pulling teeth. This definitely is a romance story. Enjoy.

--------

Being an asshole is one thing, but knowing it and owning it is a completely different kettle of fish.

In my defence, I was young and stupid. I saw a pretty shiny object and wanted to make it mine. The shiny object was a very attractive, drop dead gorgeous young woman. She was single and was giving off vibes that made me stand up and take notice. She wanted me and I felt the same for her. Her name was Lee.

The only fly in the ointment was that I already had a girlfriend, Catherine. Catherine was the kind of girlfriend that most guys wanted. She was trustworthy, attractive, and would give you the shirt off her back, (after dating for three months).

Cat and I had been together for a year and a half. We were young and in love. That was when the snake entered the picture.

Lee was a temptation, and as Oscar Wilde put it, "The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it... I can resist everything but temptation."

Soon Lee and I were dating. I'd see Lee on a weekday and Cat on weekends. To my shame, I carried on like this for a few months.

My conscience, yes I had one, finally got to me and I realized I was not being fair to either woman. I had to make a choice.

Choice #1 was Cat, dark haired, and beautiful, trustworthy, kind, dependable, stable and devoted.

Choice #2 was Lee, a curvy redheaded sex goddess, wonton, wild and free.

It had a 50% chance of making the right decision. I opted for choice number two.

Cat was hurt, totally devastated. I tried to be as gentle as I could but a break up is never easy. It ended in tears.

Meanwhile, my relationship with Lee was firing on all cylinders. She was hot and I was loving it.

Skip ahead two months. I had finished work and dropped into a pub near the office. I noticed Lee sitting in a corner with a man. He was sitting beside her, not opposite her as you would normally expect. He leaned over and kissed her. It was not a peck on the lips. I was hurt, angry and I wanted to break up their little party but the man was intimidatingly large.

I followed a little behind them when they left. The man climbed onto a large motorcycle. Lee got on the back. I reached out and put my hand on her shoulder. She turned and saw me.

"I'm sorry. We're finished. You were fun. Bye."

They rode off together and I stood there stunned. I went back into the pub and didn't leave till closing time. I never made it home. I crashed on a park bench. I got moved along twice by police until one finally took me back to spend the night in the drunk tank.

The next few days were spent in retrospection. What had I done wrong? Why would she leave me like that? This lead me back to my description of my two choices, stable and devoted vs. wild and free. I chose wild and free, so did she. I guess I got what I paid for.

Like an idiot, I chose poorly. I drew the obvious parallel between what I had done to Catherine to what Lee had done to me. That was when the asshole warning light came on. I had been a first class, grade-A asshole to Cat. I had reaped exactly as I had sewn.

I spent a long time staring at my mobile phone. I was looking at Catherine's number, working up the intestinal fortitude to call her.

The phone rang twice before she answered.

"What do you want?"

"Hi Cat, I'm surprised you haven't blocked me. I wondered if you had time to talk."

"About what? You broke up with me. I haven't heard from you in months. What could we possibly have to talk about?"

"I just... I miss you Cat. I miss the way we used to talk. I'm in a dark place right now and I always found your advice helpful."

"Your alternative girlfriend didn't work out for you eh?"

"No, she didn't, but it's deeper than that. I really need to talk to you. Can we meet? I hate doing this over the phone."

"Call me tomorrow at noon. I need to think about this, okay? Don't go doing something stupid."

"I'd say it's too late for that, I've already done the stupidest thing I've ever done."

"Call me at noon tomorrow."

I had trouble sleeping that night. I tossed and turned. I finally dropped off to sleep around 3 am and the got up at 6 am for work.

I called at the stroke of noon.

She answered on the first ring.

"I've given it some thought. Meet me in the park by the waterfront, I'll be sitting at our bench or nearby."

"Thank you."

'Our bench', was a wrought iron bench with a wooden seat that faced the waterfront. We had many of our milestone moments together there.

She was waiting just like she promised. She looked amazing, I hadn't seen her for months. She had already started eating her bagged lunch.

"Hi, Cat."

"Wow, you look rough. What happened?"

"Sleepless nights and deep depression I suppose."

"So what's so important that you need the advice of your ex-girlfriend?"

"I wanted to apologize. I treated you horribly. If there was an award for asshole of the year I'd be giving an acceptance speech."

"That was months ago, why now?"

"Because I was blind to my stupidity. I didn't realize how cruel I was, and how self-centred I had become. That was all brought to light when I was treated to the same callous treatment that I gave you. All I could think of was how much I'd hurt you."

"So you're apologizing."

"Yes, I'm so sorry, you didn't deserve it."

She breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thank you. Believe it or not, that really means a lot to me. I was completely shocked when you dumped me. It was so unlike you. You were always so dependable and kind and loving. I saw a great future for us but then it dissolved before my very eyes."

"I wish I hadn't made the choice that I did. I left the only really good and solid thing I had for a passing fancy."

"It hurts, doesn't it? When the one you love doesn't love you?"

"I know this sounds like a load of bovine excrement (a term we used to use a lot) but I never really lost my love for you. Even when I was happy with Lee, I still thought about you."

"Whoa, back there cowboy. You don't leave the one you love unless you've lost that love. You simply chose her over me. You don't get to tell me you loved me all along."

"I understand your point. I don't disagree, it sounds crazy but I still had love for you in my heart. I just buried it deep for a few months."

"I will accept your apology, I can't forgive the pain you caused me though. I'll live with that for a very long time. If that's all, I should get back to work."

"Are you happy now Catherine? I mean how are things in the office? Did you get that promotion? Are you still singing in the choir and playing piano?"

"No promotion, I'm doing okay. I still do the things I did when we were together, just not as joyously without you. Are you okay?"

"No, I'm totally lost. I am angry with myself for leaving you. Not just the way I did it but the leaving itself. You were my compass and without you I've lost my way. You kept me grounded and gave me direction. You accepted me for the hot mess I am. Without you it's hard for me to find true north."

"When you left me I felt the same. I felt untethered like I was blowing in the wind. I didn't know how to function without you, but as all humans do, I adapted. You will adapt too."

"I can't see how. I'm glad you are doing well, Cat. I guess I'll let you get back to the office now."

I thought that I would feel a sense of closure but I didn't. It was more of a sense that there were things left unfinished. I hoped that it didn't look like I was grovelling, although I probably was. I deluded myself into thinking I still had my pride. Still, I was happy to have seen her again.

Walking in that waterfront park became something I started doing regularly. It became both exercise and meditation. During my second week, I noticed Catherine sitting on our bench, holding a bagged lunch. I began walking over to her when a man approached from the other side and sat down beside her. He kissed her lightly on the lips and they both smiled.

As I stated at the beginning of this story, I am an asshole. I could have walked away but no, I had to walk right up to them.

"Hi, Catherine!"

She looked up at me and gave me her best smile.

"Hey, where have you been the last few weeks?"

That was an odd response. We had never expected to see each other since that last park meeting.

"Working hard. This is the first break I've had."

"This is my friend Tom. We have lunch together once in a while."

Tom looked up at me.

"This must be your ex."

"Yes, but now we are actually speaking civilly again. Have a seat and join us."

"Maybe I should give you and Tom some time to yourselves. I can talk to you later, Cat."

I walked along the pathway and out of the park. I resisted the temptation to look back.

That night I got a call from her.

"You should have stayed with us."

"I didn't want to interrupt. I saw that you two were close."

"I wouldn't have invited you if I hadn't wanted you to stay."

"How did you and Tom meet?"

"He works with me. He was helping me deal with things when you and I broke up."

"I didn't recognize him so figured he was a recent boyfriend."

"He is a friend, not a boyfriend. There isn't any romantic involvement."

"Don't bullshit a bullshitter. Guys struggle to be platonic friends with beautiful women like you. He is head over heels for you. From that kiss you two shared it seems to be mutual."

"I like him, but I'm not in love with him, not the way we were."

"Yeah, we had something special didn't we?"

"Yes, we did. Tom recognized how depressed I was and he helped me a lot."

"What are your future plans?"

"I want to keep working where I am. I don't plan any big moves. How about you?"

"I'll either hang around here or if things don't work out I'll likely move to the continent and look for work there."

"What do you mean by work out?"

"If I can't settle down. If I can't find some peace of mind. If I can't reground myself I might as well just move."

"Do you have any idea what that peace of mind would look like?"

"If I could find myself again, I suppose that all those things would fix themselves. It's about lost love."

"You're right but real authentic, long lasting love is hard to find."

"Especially one like we had."

"You keep saying that. If our love was so great, so strong, why did it fail?"

"It wasn't you Cat, it was all me. I was being an idiot. I was being immature. It was the worst mistake of my life."

"Do you really feel that way?"

"I do, Catherine if I could undo everything I'd do it in a heartbeat. I would ask you to take me back, but I'm afraid to hear your answer."

"You were supposed to be the great love of my life. Yet you abandoned me. How could I trust you not to do it again? When I met you in the park the other day I wanted to hug you but I also wanted to slap you. You are the only man I know that I love and hate with nearly equal measure. You broke my heart."

"I know and I'm not proud of what I did. So you don't trust me?"

"Not with my heart. I do trust you, but I don't know if I could ever feel the way I used to feel. The sun used to rise and set on you. I thought we were inseparable until you destroyed me by leaving."

"So there is no hope?"

"For what we had, no. But I want to stay in touch I want to be friends with you. I don't want to completely lose you."

"That will be hard for me but I don't want to lose you either."

It was not the grand reunion I had hoped for but I needed to stay close to Cat, for my own sanity.

By the way, I was right about Tom. He declared his love for Catherine and she had the gall to ask me if I thought she should get romantically involved.

"For God's sake Cat, how can you even ask me that? You know how I feel about you."

She and Tom dated for about two months. She treated me like a friend. She told me about their experiences together. It was too much information at times, listening to her talk about how he kissed, how fit he was, how her thrilled her. Each thing was like a stab of a knife. She said that her experience with me had opened her up and made her more comfortable with physical intimacy.

There were moments that I wanted to leave Catherine and simply forget her but I knew that was impossible. So I stayed and suffered. Perhaps this was my penance.

Cat and I were walking through the park. We watched fish jump in the river which flowed into the lake, blue herons took flight. There was a light breeze which kept the temperature from being too hot. It was idyllic.

"You know that Tom and I have been together for two months now."

"Yes, how is that going?"

"Good. I know you've been patient and a wonderful friend. I wanted to let you know that Tom and I...How do I say this without hurting you?"

"Just say it."

"Tom wants to sleep with me."

There it was, the sword that pierced my heart.

"At two months, Tom must be a patient man."

"I don't take these things lightly you know. It took even longer before I slept with you."

"I remember."

"He is similar to you, wanting the same things that I'm sure all men want."

"Similar?"

"He kisses like you, very passionate. He is way less sensitive and caring though. You were a master at that. He is a good boyfriend but he isn't as good as you were."

I could feel the anger rising inside me.

"While we haven't gone all the way we have had some physical pleasures. It always seems rushed and goal-oriented rather than simply enjoying the process."

The anger was boiling.

"He can be rather rough at times and I often have to wear high-necked tops to cover the love bites."

"Cat, thanks for sharing but please stop."

"What? You don't want to hear how he made me orgasm?."

"Cat, stop!"

"He orgasmed too! He came all over me! I slept with his cum all over my stomach. It was wonderful."

"For the love of God, SHUT UP!"

The smile on her face broadened until she erupted into laughter.

"For heaven's sake, I was just pulling your leg! We never made love. Tom certainly wanted to but I told him no. We broke up last night."

My heart was racing. My blood pressure was in the danger zone.

"You were fucking joking?" I growled.

"You have been such a good sport. You've stayed by my side as a true friend. Even when I showed interest in other men. You patiently waited and listened to my blathering on. Did it hurt? Did it make you feel the pain that I felt when I knew what you were doing with Lee?"

I just hung my head, clenching and unclenching my fists, desperately trying to keep my anger from boiling over. Deep breaths brought some semblance of control back. I told myself that I deserved all of that and more for the pain I put her through.

"Yes Cat, I felt abandoned, just like I abandoned you. Did you really love Tom or was that a dagger for you to pierce my soul?"

"Tom was a friend when I needed one. He used our breakup to get close to me and wanted more than friendship. I never led him on. He pressed too hard and I stopped it."

"Where do we stand? You've treated me like a friend. Can I ever be any more than that in your eyes?"

"It's hard. I'm not sure reigniting our love for each other is the wisest thing. I trusted you with my heart and you broke it. You sound like you've changed and learned your lesson but I can't help thinking I'm just the woman you come back to as a place of safety, your plan b or c. What happens when some beautiful woman comes by and wants to sweep you off your feet?"

"I know the future is uncertain. I know I've given you a reason to doubt my sincerity. But please Cat, believe me, that coming back to you and eating crow is something I didn't enjoy, but it was something I had to do, I love you. I know in my heart of hearts that you were always the woman for me."

"I'm glad you've come back. You are a cherished and loved friend. Still a friend though. I ask you to be patient with me. You know the saying 'Once bitten, twice shy.' Well, that is how I feel. I don't feel comfortable taking you back as a lover but I don't want to lose you either."

So began a period of time in our relationship that beggars description. We were the closest of friends, we did so many things together but she continued to date other men. Likewise I dated other women. We often double dated, awkward as that seemed. None of our dates made it past two or three dates. We would sit together dissecting the dates, picking out where things went wrong.

There was one man who wouldn't take no for an answer from Catherine. He got physical and I ended up laying him out.

Catherine was very cautious about dating after that. She refused to date anyone unless I was with her. That often meant she had to set me up with dates.

We had both been invited to a friend's wedding. We both had a plus one with us.

Cat and I held hands through the wedding liturgy. I'm sure her date wasn't impressed but both Cat and I were so moved by their vows of love and fidelity. Cat actually had tears running down her cheek. I squeezed her hand to let her know I was there and I cared.

The reception was fun and we enjoyed our partners and talking to old friends.

When the dancing started my date and I rose to dance. During a slow song, we had a quiet conversation.

"So what's up with you and Catherine?"

"Cat and I were together for a while. We are ex-partners."

"What happened? You two are still so close."

"I was an asshole. I left her for someone else. It was a foolish decision."

"Am I a foolish decision?"

"You are a friend of Catherine's so no."

"You still love her don't you?"

"With every fibre of my being."

"Don't let her slip away from you, especially tonight. Her date is a pussy hound. He has his heart set on bedding Catherine tonight. Just a word of warning."

We finished dancing and sat back down at our table. Catherine and her date were still dancing. His hands were roaming all over her and she looked uncomfortable.

I nodded at my date, stood and walked towards them. I tapped him on the shoulder.

"Cat, may I cut in?"

"Sure," she took her hands from him and embraced me. Her dance partner had no option but to let go or start a fight. He let go and went back to sit with my date.

"Looks like you picked a winner tonight Cat."

"Thanks for rescuing me. I never expected he'd be like this, so aggressive."

"According to my date, he is a classic pussy hound and you were on tonight's menu."

"Men!"

"Sadly, there are many of his tribe out there."

"Far too many!"

"Let's just shut up and dance Cat."

We did, we danced for the rest of the night. My date had been gracious enough to keep the pussy hound occupied. By closing time it was plainly obvious that the two of them were going to be busy till morning.

Catherine and I decided to take a room at the hotel. It wasn't fancy just a single queen-sized bed. I stripped to my boxers and crawled into bed. Cat busied herself in the washroom and came out in her bra and panties.

"I've seen you like this before Cat but you've never looked better than you do tonight. Come to bed."

She got under the covers and we faced each other.

"I learned something tonight Catherine. I can't believe that I'm here with you tonight. The wedding was so beautiful, the vows were ancient and binding. I could see how touched you were too."

Cat smiled at me.

"There was an ache in my heart that had been there for a long time, but today it stood up and demanded that I pay attention."

"Catherine, I am yours. Forever and always yours. If you want me to be your friend, I will. If you want me to be your boyfriend, I will. If you want me to be your life partner and husband, I will be. I love you Cat, in a way that is eternal. I can't help myself. Please, Catherine, let me be whatever you choose."