She used to love this time of year. She had loved it all, from the bustle of people in search of that one perfect item to the music that floated through the air of the department store to the crunch of new-fallen snow on Christmas morning. She had loved it until five years ago. Now, she was just depressed.
Mellissa had become Mrs. Walter Schaeffer against the advice of her mother and girlfriends, but she'd known it was right. Her heart told her it was. Walt had been charming. Walt had been handsome. He'd said he loved her when her heart ached to hear those words.
Walt and Mellissa moved into the house on Elm Street and began what she thought would be an ideal life together. He sold real estate at a local brokerage, and she was a cashier with Winslow's, a department store downtown. They came home every night to the little house and each other. Mellissa would make dinner while Walt read the paper. About ten, they would fall into bed and make love before going to sleep.
After eight months of marriage, Mellissa was overjoyed to find she was pregnant. Walt seemed all right with the idea, although he didn't go around boasting to their friends like she thought he might have. In her sixth month, Mellissa found the condom packet in Walt's jeans. She always turned the pockets inside out so she didn't wash anything he might have left in them. Walt's answer was that he'd been given the condom by a co-worker as a joke. At first, Mellissa didn't believe him, but Walt sent her some flowers, and seemed to be a little more attentive.
To show Walt how much she loved him, Melissa tried hard to please her husband. She cooked his favorite foods and made sure there was a drink waiting when he walked in the door after work. Though she had grown too large to comfortably lie beneath him, she found other positions that worked as well. One night, she lowered herself over his erect cock, and rode him until she groaned out the waves of her own orgasm. Walt hadn't finished, but when she started to relieve him with her hand, he rolled over and went to sleep.
After that, Walt seemed to have a lot of houses to show late in the afternoon. He came home later and later, always with the explanation of some potential buyer who couldn't get there any earlier, or that the owner of the brokerage had assigned him some last minute project. They seldom made love, because Walt was always tired. Mellissa tried to believe him, and almost convinced herself that things were as he said until the day Walt took her car to be serviced. She was driving his car to work when the police car flashed its lights at her.
The cop who pulled her over asked to see her license and registration. Mellissa opened the glove box for the registration and a small piece of black fabric fell to the floor. The officer left after explaining that she just had a broken taillight, and Mellissa began putting the collection of junk back into the glove box. The piece of fabric was puzzling until she straightened it out. Tears came to Melissa's eyes when she realized what it was.
The tiny black lace triangle had thin strings for the waist and the thong back. Mellissa had never owned any panties like that before, and now that she was pregnant, she wore only white cotton. For a moment, she beamed at the thought that Walt had bought them for her as a present. That moment lasted until she saw the faint discoloration on the cotton crotch panel.
Walt's explanation had been brutal.
"You're big as a cow and your tits hang down to your belly button. In a month, you won't be able to screw anymore, but that won't make much of a difference. You're belly's so big, I can't get it in all the way now. What the Hell do you expect me to do – just let my balls turn blue?"
"But…, I'm big because of the baby. I thought we'd agreed to start a family. I thought you wanted a baby as much as I do."
"You wanted the baby. If I remember right, I said it would be OK, someday. I didn't say now. You're the one who stopped taking the pill, babe, not me."
"Who is she?"
"That's none of your God-damned business."
"Do you love her?"
Walt had laughed. "Why the hell do women think a man has to love the woman he's sleeping with? If it makes you feel any better, no, I don't. She's married, anyway."
Mellissa couldn't bring herself to ask the question on her lips. The answer was obvious, but it would have been devastating to hear him say it. When she looked back, she doubted he'd ever really loved her.
Walt had at least been civil during the divorce, and he didn't argue much about the settlement her lawyer proposed. She could go back to her job at Winslow's, and the extra money from Walt's child support payments would make things go pretty smoothly. She'd live with her mother until the baby was born and then look for an apartment.
The contractions started a week after the divorce papers were signed. Melissa's mother took her to the hospital and held her hand for the entire fourteen hours. Little Timmy came into the world at six pounds of perfection with big blue eyes and a tiny little nose. She loved the little boy from the moment she saw his little red face and tiny, clenched fists. Mellissa and her mother brought him home wrapped in a blue sleeper that was big enough for two of him. After a couple of months, Mellissa found an apartment and began putting together a life for her and her son.
The cashier job at Winslow's didn't pay very much, but the first check from Walt took care of Timmy's needs, and hers covered the rent and gas for the car. She gave her mother a few dollars a week to watch her little boy and had enough left over to buy some things for herself. It was hard for her to leave Timmy every morning, but doing so gave her confidence. She was making it on her own. Mellissa began saving a little each week. Christmas was only three months away.
In November, Walt's check didn't arrive on time. She called his office to ask if he'd forgotten. The secretary who answered transferred her to the owner. He explained that Walt was no longer in the employ of the company. No, they didn't have a phone number or an address. That weekend, Mellissa dipped into her Christmas money for diapers and formula. A dying battery for the car consumed the rest a week later. She comforted herself with the fact that she and Timmy had each other. That was a much bigger gift than any she could buy him.
Timmy was three when he asked her about Santa. Mellissa explained how the jolly old man left presents under the Christmas tree for good little boys and girls. Her heart sank when Timmy beamed and asked if he'd been good enough. He had, and she told him that, but she was barely able to pay for necessities. Her mother offered to help, but Mellissa couldn't let her. To do so would mean she'd failed her little boy.
By going without lunch and coffee, she managed to scrape together enough to buy a little tree, and found a few toy cars at a second hand shop. The tree wasn't much taller than Timmy, but they popped some corn and strung it on thread for garland. She finally accepted her mother's loan of some old ornaments and one string of lights that were fussy about staying lit. On Christmas morning, Timmy was overjoyed. Mellissa was just relieved it was over.
Timmy's fourth Christmas had been worse. He was old enough to understand the television commercials that offered superhero figures and electronic toys, and by Thanksgiving he was bubbling with the anticipation of talking to Santa about his requests. Mellissa gave in and let her mother buy him the talking fire engine he told Santa he wanted. Her mother also gave her an artificial tree and some ornaments. Mellissa was happy for Timmy, but unhappy with herself. She wanted to make Christmas a happy time for Timmy, but she wanted to do so by herself.
That spring, she'd met William. He was the assistant manager in plumbing, and he seemed to take an interest in her. They had lunch together for a week before he asked her out. Her best dress hadn't seemed nice enough, but she'd lost most of the tummy the pregnancy had left her and it fit well. She blew herself a kiss in the mirror. Not cover girl material, she mused, but not all that bad either. Her mother was playing with Timmy and answered William's knock. He whistled when Mellissa walked into the room.
The evening had been fun. William was very attentive, although a little distant, but this was a first date, so how did she think he was supposed to act? Love only happened on the first date in the movies. Besides, Mellissa didn't want things to progress too quickly. Walt had burned her once. She wanted to make sure this time.
William didn't ask her out again. Michelle, the tiny little redhead from lingerie, seemed to have captured his interest. Melissa's mother tried to be comforting by pointing out she was still young and still pretty. Some men just weren't ready for a woman who already had a family, but she shouldn't worry. Somewhere, there was a man who would love them both. There was still plenty of time.
Jim asked her to dinner one Friday in June, and picked her up at the apartment about six. Timmy kissed her goodbye and then ran back to his game with her mother. The evening was enjoyable. Jim was a nice man, and Mellissa thought she really felt something between them. He walked her to her apartment about eleven and she asked him in. Her mother quickly gathered her purse and car keys, whispered "good luck" in her ear, and left.
Jim seemed uneasy as she made coffee, but she attributed his fidgeting to first date nervousness. Her heart wasn't exactly beating in regular time either. She put their cups on the coffee table and sat down on the couch. Jim took a sip and smiled at her. Neither said anything for a few minutes. The silence was driving Mellissa crazy.
"So Jim, you're pretty quiet. Are you always this way when a woman asks you into her apartment?"
"Yes. Well, no, but…"
"But what?"
"Mellissa, I like you. I like you a lot, but I didn't know you have…, that you have Timmy."
"I see. He makes that much difference? He's a good little boy."
"No. It's not him. He's probably a great kid. It's just that…, well, I'm not ready for everything that means. Someday, I will be, but not yet."
The good-bye was awkward, but thankfully, it was quick. Mellissa didn't see Timmy peak around the doorframe and then slip quietly back into his room. She didn't see him climb into his bed and lie quietly as tears streamed down his plump little cheeks. Her own tears blurred her eyes. By the time she fell asleep, her own pillow was damp.
There were other men in her life after Jim, but none of them had worked out. Usually they didn't call her after the first date. Mellissa finally stopped accepting their invitations. She was too busy to think about a man anyway. Timmy was full of life and it was a challenge to keep him occupied. For some reason, he'd started trying to take care of her. Melissa found that amusing and touching at the same time. When she came home from work, he always made a show of carrying the groceries or whatever else needed to be taken inside. When they went shopping together, he'd race ahead to open doors for her. Mellissa had asked him about that. Timmy looked up at her through his bright blue eyes and grinned.
"Grandma said men do things like that for women if they're gentlemen. Am I being a gentleman, Mommy?"
Now, it was November. Winslow's had put the Christmas merchandise on the shelves earlier each year, or so it seemed to Mellissa. This year, they started stocking ornaments, lights, and other decorations a week after Halloween. What had once been joy to Mellissa had turned to near hatred for it all. She despised the shoppers with credit cards who bought and bought and bought without seeming to think about the money they were spending. She blamed Winslow's for causing her depression earlier each year. She hated herself for feeling this way at a time that was supposed to be a time of family, a time of happiness, a time of peace and goodwill.
How had her life turned into such a mess? Surely, she thought, most of it was her own fault. If she'd just listened to her mother or to her girlfriends, this would have never happened. Walt was smooth, and her mother said he was a little too smooth for her. Grace and Jane told her Walt had made passes at them even after he and Mellissa began to seriously talk of marriage. Mellissa had kicked herself a thousand times for being so blind.
Maybe it hadn't been Walt. When she thought about it, she had pushed him pretty hard for a baby. Maybe she'd only thought Walt wanted one too, just like he'd said. Mellissa was certain Walt knew she'd stopped taking the pill, but maybe she should have made sure. Maybe she was so selfish she didn't want to ask him, to risk hearing him saying no. Maybe she was so selfish she should never have gotten married.
