"Felicia, I think I loved you from the very first moment I laid eyes on you."
She had been waking up when I voiced those words and upon hearing them, sat bolt-upright. She threw on her usual odd-looking glasses and stared at me with the deep and beautiful blue eyes I had come to know so well. She drew the blankets around her, odd in a sense, considering what we had just done, yet fitting her personality nonetheless. I touched her cheek so as to silence her from saying a word. I knew that I had to get everything out or I would lose the ability to voice my thoughts and I'd been having these particular thoughts for quite some time now.
"The very first time I saw you, it's hard to believe that was a little over three years ago. I hadn't been back at the magazine for a week yet. You were wearing that funny blue polka dot dress, the same glasses you're wearing now and a funky pair of earrings. Your long blonde hair was back in a pony tail, which was the way you wore it most of the time back then. The dress was short and you were wearing heels, you always wear heels. I have often wondered if you feel self-conscious about your height, and yet, I've never bothered to ask you about it. I like the fact that you always wear heels and you walk very well in them. Do you know that men notice the way you walk -- or at least, that I notice?
I asked you for some help in researching a story that I was working on and I can barely recall what I said. I can remember thinking that you were adorable, funny, isn't it? But you were -- adorable, that is. I was working on the Boomer Candy Company story; they assigned it to me as my first story back. I'm sure that everyone thought I'd blow it or not be up to the challenge and I was determined to prove everyone wrong, that I wasn't just some washed-up hack writer who'd drank away all of his talent. Anyway, you looked at me and said you'd be glad to help and that you'd always liked my writing. I was sure that you were just humoring me until you quoted enough of my own work back to me to prove you knew who I was and that you were sincere. I went back to my desk to assemble what material I had and hoped I could manage to pull off some kind of decent piece for the deadline.
So what did I get from you? The typical Felicia Beck brilliance, which is to say, more than I could ever have imagined. You had pages of documents, quotes and articles and sources I could check and you helped me collate everything. By the end of the first day, I had enough for a pretty decent article. By the end of the week, by working with you as a team, I had interviewed enough people and had enough documentation that the magazine had a cover-featured article in their hands. I proved that the management of the Boomer Candy Company was cutting corners and using sub-standard material in their products, unbeknown to the Boone family shareholders. Once they caught wind of the article, they fired everyone and resumed control of the company. I still get a box of Boomer bars every month; I've never had the heart to tell them I can't stand the things. Good thing you love them, huh?"
Felicia was smiling at me and I'm sure that she thought I was off on some kind of rant, but she hadn't said a word. That was good because I had a lot more to say.
""Everyone at the magazine thought it was some kind of fluke, that Richard had pulled a rabbit out of a hat and that I'd screw it all up again. After all, I'd only been sober for six months at that point and I had a lot to prove. Even my family didn't have faith in me, but we owned the magazine and where else was I going to go? My next article was going to be on the supermarket industry and some of the stuff going on with the unions. I got a few carefully-worded `warnings' and I still didn't back off. You remember what happened next, right? One of the warnings got a little out of hand and I got the snot kicked out of me. I'd never seen you angry before, you helped bandage me up and we went after them with a vengeance. The DA said the work we did put at least 7 guys in jail, but it wasn't the work I did -- it was the research you did. I'm just the guy who strung the words together.
All those AA meetings and I don't think I could have held it together if you hadn't been my backup. When I finally was able to talk about Lauren and what her leaving did to me, it wasn't to them -- it was to you. Here we were, at an office Christmas party and you looked so beautiful -- that black dress, your prettiest heels and you were so lovely, you almost glowed. And yet, that was the time I chose to talk about how I was feeling and when I unburdened my soul. I dumped it all on you when you could have been having fun -- and what did you do?
You stayed with me the entire night and listened.
I never realized how much I was monopolizing your time or how selfish I was being, but if you felt that way, you never said a word to anyone.
We became a team, you and me. People were talking, some of the other writers made some pretty rude comments about drunk Richard and flaky Felicia. I nearly caused a scene in the office, but I didn't want to cause you any embarrassment. Yes, you're a bit eccentric and you have your peculiarities, like when you get super-excited about something -- but that's one of the things I love about you -- your enthusiasm. You care about things and you care about people. You genuinely believe in a better world and you should, because it is a better world because of people just like you.
I know I've told you that I rely on you and that I wouldn't be the success I am today without you, but I have to tell you again. It is so, so true. When the magazine offered to make me a contract employee again and take over the department, I almost jumped at the chance and then I realized something -- I wasn't interested if you weren't coming along for the ride. I told them that they had to promote you as well and make you the head of the research department, answerable only to me. They were a little hesitant at first, but my stuff is selling magazines and it's my family's name on the masthead, so what are they gonna do?"
By now, I had come to the part I knew was going to be the hardest and yet, Felicia had remained silent through every word. I took a deep breath and expressed my innermost thoughts.
"I know I haven't always appreciated you as a woman, more as a partner. I suppose that's in part because of my track record. The women in my life have a way of leaving me or letting me down or I let them down. No matter what, something always screws it up. Once romance enters the picture, it falls apart.
I know that Brendan has strong feelings for you and if you return them, that's okay. You should be happy; I want you to be happy. What happened between us last night, that was -- amazing. It will remain amazing in my mind for as long as I live. I will keep it between us for as long as I live, but Felicia, if I didn't tell you now, this very moment, I would never have forgiven myself.
