Forgetting This Affair

Day 1:

Waking up next to her just feeling the warmth from her body and subtle breathes elated me. She was still there, she was still there despite all the outlets available to her..... it felt like an eternity switching places with her, lying in front of her no words just two mending souls. She leaned in several times resting her lips on mine, and left me feeling like an empty void; a shell or ghost of a human resting there's back on her. I felt drained, worthless, empty, beaten down. Even though she was right there face to face with me it felt like we were on opposite sides of the parking lot.

Fumbling my hands across her body I couldn't find myself to breathe, let alone touch her in all the places we've shared for many years now. The thought of laying with her, touching her, healing one another, being freely intimate again it scares me; I'll never be able to fill her soul the way those other people did, I'll never be able to please her like that. The thoughts of everything raced through my mind, the thoughts of every detail I've heard replaying it over and over again and again. I've been trying to be the strong one for her and keep telling her it's okay but, I'm the one on edge wanting to slip out in the middle of the night and wrap myself around a tree.... You should honestly just leave.

Spoke to my manager, all is well.... In Sioux Falls, South Dakota. But I find myself back in Alabama writing this.

Day 2:

I honestly don't know what I'm doing 😕.

We had sex and it was different, I felt euphoric in the moment; but all I could conclude to was my mind wandering to the others. I felt rushed and wanted to get over with it. The second time felt demanding..... the second time felt like she was in control of me. As if she wasn't going to care if I did or didn't want it..............and I lusted after her. I enjoyed it................. But the only thing I could think was, was she this dangerous with her other partners......

My grandad said he cheated because,

"We want what we're not supposed to have"

How passionate and sexual did she get for another man. How much did she demand for that desire to be filled to keep going back. Will you ever get that side of her she gave her other partners?

One part of me desires her and wants to show that side of affection towards her and be caring but, the other side wants to rip her apart as if she was another woman in the bedroom and not care about her like the time I cheated. But what does meaningless sex lead to? Does it lead me to reject or lust her more? Love and lust don't live in the same house. You get one or the other, never both; we lust what we're not supposed to have we love what we can keep.

How close did I come to losing her? How close did I come to her not coming back? How close did I come to losing her sexual touch every night? How do I appreciate her more and fill the wild side of her desires that she had filled elsewhere? Do I invite another female in our bed to her liking? Do I attend to all her needs first before focusing on how long I'm taking? Do I command her to take control of me and make me chase her, make there be boundaries and demands some nights to be intimate, make there be a length before I can enter her. What sexual desire do we chase together now? I know I could never share her....

But the thought of both of us sharing somebody fulfilling her fantasy doesn't scare me anymore. Not only does she find peace but we both get some pleasure out of two desiring fantasies. The new sexual stories broke me..... I could never share with another man.... But I would open to sharing another woman with her. I suppose I never truly was mad of the Jessica situation..... I was honestly turned on at one point. But I was disgusted at these new details, she was ashamed talking about those but almost bragging about being with Jessica she spoke in shame and feeling nothing with them but spoke of kissing her and enjoying it. I don't know where my sexual desire falls with her currently but I wean away for the majority but almost find myself wanting her even more now...

Day 3:

Mind blowing to say the least..... never really took the time to explore her. Really just used to a couple positions and pleasuring myself. But this was different, I had sex with her as if I didn't know her and it felt as if I was cheating. It felt like I finally controlled her body again; as much as she said she couldn't last while continuing her climax, it was the first time instead of closing up and not continuing she guided my hand to show me where to finish her at..... she placed my hand in the position that made her feel good.

She moved me to where she wanted to be touched, not where I wanted to touch her; not what I thought felt good to her. It drove me crazy..... it took me back to us being 16 and 17 having risky sex when we worried if she was going to be pregnant or the thrill of doing something wrong but right, but still continuing to do it. As much as I enjoyed the fellatio she did earlier that previous day that even started any of it, while I enjoyed every second of her being demanding and possessive; her submitting to me and showing me what made her feel good was unmatched.

Her placing my fingers on each side of her lips, her moving my hand in a circular motion showing me what turns her on. Hearing her tell me she's nearing her breaking point and not stopping. I didn't know her and at one point, and she looked at me as if she didn't recognize this new sexual desire led person either. I wasn't too intoxicated or not confident enough this time. I felt her really open up to me, open up to me so much she reached a different level of climax.

To see her face that wide looking at the mess she'd made like never before. I realized she never gave that part to anyone else but me. I never took the time to explore it when we finally got real world problems. My time was occupied all to work, all to making money, all to planning and planning our next step and looking TOO FAR AHEAD. I never lived in the moment and when I did I only let it be for a couple hours. I had to give US the same me she fell in love with. I had to give her the version of me that sent her up the wall. I had to chase her the same way I did as when we were kids. And when I did/ do have her attention I had to make her want more. I had to make her body quiver and quake at the touch of a fingertip. I can recount me not just worrying about what made me feel good while I was inside her. I didn't worry about how long it took or how long could I last.

As I saw her submit to me and give her body up willingly, I did the same and everything came freely. Seeing her pinned to the bed and thrusting inside her not to what I thought was working, but to what I made her respond to; what made her moan even louder, what made her back tense and tighten up even more. What felt like hours of intimacy with her was over in a matter of seconds; looking at a thick glaze coated on her lips. I realized she was mine for sure, I realized she was chasing something someone else couldn't give her. Not afraid of the backlash of what I've told others about her. But what I told myself about her, if she isn't apologetic or if she feels justified in her actions and is playing me like a sega genesis; then I wouldn't ever want her to stop..... if she is fucking me with a guilty conscience I'm guilty of not wanting her to stop....

Freshly woken up and feeling revived I still can't help but feel hurt some moments. Sitting eating with her in a park setting I couldn't help but let my mind wander. Looking at her every time I'm reminded by the bruising above her left eyelid and the scab on her forehead. I sit and think to myself whoever hurt her; when I get my hands on them I'm going to kill them! And I'm quickly brought back to reality facing a cold truth all I have to do is look in the mirror to find who did it. That person is laughing at me and around him is all the ones before him and all the men who chose an outlet only a coward can choose.

I'm ashamed and embarrassed to have even raised my hand at her, let alone around the company we had. I'll never as long as I live raise a hand to hurt her, but only hurt her in the pleasure she seeks from me. I could never physically see her that scared that hurt again. See her shake and back away like an afraid wild animal. I'll never leave her vulnerable like that again I don't know who that person was and he died the same day. She keeps reassuring and reassessing it was her fault and she deserved it, but what she deserved was me coming home, me bringing her flowers for no reason. Me leaving sweet notes in her car and her purse, telling her she's beautiful every day and not every other holiday. I'm the one that let her stray away how could I be mad for her affair.

Day 4:

Today's morning was different, I woke up seeing her lay there looking beautiful. Her skin was glowing; the sun was cascading in the window on her like a goddess with a terrible past. All of a sudden I found myself getting mad, even though the previous day held so much joy and happiness for the future. I found myself mad for finding this new sense of sexual pleasure and desire I have for her but, somebody else has already been where I've been multiple times.

A stranger has already entered her and left his presence inside her. A stranger did all the things I was doing to her and she found pleasure in it. Who was I to think that I can or could make her feel like that day in and day out. She gave a portion of herself to each one of them and all I see is them laughing back in my face. I returned back to reality today and left out of my fantasy world, when I rubbed my hands across her back frisking up the back of her dress laced in yellow and white. Though I wanted to entice her and please her, I'm brought back to the reality of her infidelity.

I'm brought back to another man having her there way with her and doing all the things I've done with her. I'm brought back to another man rubbing across her back and rubbing in between her legs. I'm brought back to hearing her moan and find pleasure in all these strangers. I'm brought back to crying in the house I built begging and pleading with her to tell the truth of her infidelity. Lastly, I'm brought back to the reality of all the things she showed me that makes her feel good, she probably showed her other partners as well.

Day 5:

All is well and sunny in the 41° weather of Sioux Falls, while it feels the same in the rugged back woods of central AL; I still find no peace. I still find myself feeling mad, sad, happy, and broken.

No matter in the ways I touch her and create these new memories trying to erase and forget the past, I'm quickly reminded almost abruptly and atrociously attacked with the reminder another man has been here before same as me. A blur of disgust went over me looking at her lay there in her vintage posture, leg tweaked forward and hand resting below her face. The disgust was finally aimed towards her and I hated the feeling. The disgust was held for the generic faces and generic choice in men she let invade the cavities; we promised to never let another touch on either of us in those special places. She broke that promise but I'm even more guilty of breaking the promise first.

There's still details left out still moments left to ponder on, she will tell you she's embarrassed and ashamed. But will she tell you of the things she enjoyed.....of the things that made her moan even more.....the way she lusted behind those men and told them their appearances looked good. All the men she slept with they all look of generic rip offs, a blade of grass in a field so thick you couldn't distinguish them apart from the next. I realized I looked nothing like them, I don't resemble them at all. She'd outgrown me and this was the type of man she indulged in now, not a dark skin, Afro, and cowboy boots. She indulged in dreads, Jordan's, tight jeans and cologne masking a marijuana fragrance. She indulged in the life that I was escaping since I heard the news of our first born child. That's who she was now and I couldn't see her any other way.

She proved me wrong again. I can't see her that way because I look at her in a newfound sense. The same playful sense of puppy love. To say that evening was anything short of amazing would be a lie. To say watching her wriggle and squirm against the bed wasn't a turn on would be a cold lie. To say feeling her clinch and tie down to the bed was exhilarating and exciting in a new way; pinning her down to the headboard feeling her lips wrapped around my entire dick thrusting in and out of her.

Her moans like knife edge murmuring slicing the enticement of my mind and desire. Her breath gasping out for more air with the refreshing scent of chrysanthemums and lust. You can simply say... I picked her apart that night, closing with her legs rose above her head filling every cavity and crevice of her pussy with warm, lust led, and motif charged semen. Resting atop of her patterned kissing above her brow, to her cheekbones, to her jawline, and slowly leaving every trace of us within her.