Atomic Attraction

The path from the past to the present was ........complicated. But somehow we had both become reassured enough and desperate enough, to meet in person.

It was hard enough to interact with this groomed Grizzly Adams, online and in my imagination. I could almost handle myself when he used his 'bass voice' over a speaker. How I would respond/react in 'real life' was a vexing question. It wasn't only physical attraction. Which is a rare enough thing for me. I was literally attracted, like a magnet, to this man.

Like all of my atoms, were being pulled toward another planet. I wanted to orbit, to be held in his gravity and with his current. Yes, it was THAT bad.

It was over a year, after 'the thing' before we'd communicated again. It was 6 months of, trying to figure out 'what the hell?' for both of us, after that.

Neither of us were 'mainstream' in the relationship world. But it had taken us decades and pain to see it. While we were both trying to 'accept' what seemed to be our inevitable solitude, we'd bumped into each other.......or maybe ricocheted is more accurate.

I'd come in like a comet and got flung around the other side, back into space. But he'd changed my trajectory, I didn't know it, but we'd be pulled together again. We scared each other a little bit, for different reasons, maybe some same ones.

I was full of excitement and dread and anxiety. For reals. I had not been attracted to a man like this ever. I had been celibate for 6 years, everyone was arguing and it wasn't sexy, so it wasn't difficult. This one felt way too good to be true. Deep down good. Not perfect, grumpy af. But really, the feels felt like they might be worth it.

We met half way, in a truckstop giving us both another chance to run away. We'd promised 'no bullshit', but as I walked up I didn't know what was or was not 'bullshit' suddenly.

A part of me that wanted to flirt, started flapping around in my belly and made me want to flip my hair. I am NOT a hair flipper by nature, so I was confused and knew I wouldn't do it right if I let that shit out. Then all my atoms started pulling toward him, making me imagine throwing myself against him like a tarp in a wind storm. These were my 'real' feelings.....some level of bullshit was going to be required, lest I make us both look like fools.

I managed make all the steps between us, without increasing my speed. I even stopped at an appropriate distance. I extended the hand for a shake and he pulled me in. Thank God.

The Flirt flapping calmed down and the atoms stopped screaming at me. He was so heavy, he anchored me and held them all together inside me. I wanted to melt. Instead. before it got 'too too', I patted his waist with my hand and said "Hi."

"Hey," as he gestured toward the booth. I sat down and scooted over as he came in beside me. "Is this ok?" he asked, a little scared like. "It's really nice," I replied, less scared now. We were capable of conflict, being beside instead of across is good.

Maybe some of his atoms were persistent also, that would be nice.

From shoulder, down to elbow and hip to ankle, we leaned into each other, just a little and just enough. I pulled a menu from the holder and opened it between us. We pointed and commented. I was torn between their version of a Cheese Steak and Chicken Fried Steak. He wanted Steak. I got Chicken Fried.

As I reached over to put the menu back, he laid his arm over the back of the seat.

The top of my shoulder fit right under the ball of his. I'm almost 6 ft tall, I rarely feel 'little,' this too was a frightening and delicious.

The atoms in my legs started acting up, wanting to crawl over his and sit in his lap. We had a brief conversation and they agreed to be patient.

Being a wimp when it comes to uncomfortable silences I said, "I'm not ready to run away yet." "Me, neither," he responded, squeezing my shoulder with his giant paw, I mean hand.

"Are you ready to swap wishes? Or do we wait until after the food?"

We'd made each other a little deal. Neither of us were ready for anything, but we were both kind of desperate for some level of intimacy. We were each others least dangerous options. Which probably made us even more cautious. We kind of needed each other. At least the idea of each other. If the 'real' thing went bad, we'd lose whatever we'd imagined we might share.

So our deal for our weekend meeting was this:

1. Clothes on for everything.

2. Every opportunity to add 'cuddle' to the activity will be attempted.

3. We'd both be aware when we started using cuddle time for arguing time. We can argue online.

4. We each write out a 'wish' for non-sexual physical intimacy. We exchange these and decide which one is the least scary or interesting and do that one first.

5. Open to possibilities but anti-pressure to going too fast, watch out for each other.

"Now's good. That way I can think about it while we eat," he used his 'bass voice' as his hip bumped against mine and he pressed his temple down on my head. Cheating, he was just plain cheating. It took a hot minute to calm the atoms down.

We swapped envelopes. Another kind of fairy woke up in my belly as I opened it. We'll call her Anticipation. I had to shush her to keep her from waking Flirty up again.

'I want my shoulders, neck and head rubbed.' was all it said. Oh, I can DO that. But now I was worried....I'd had a LOT more words in mine.

"Lap, heals, thighs, hips. Is that all?" he asked. Is that All.....he had NO idea. But great summary.

"It would be really nice. How are you for massage pressure? Are there any places where you'd like me to put my elbow?" I asked with my eyes really big. Damn that Flirty!

"{Rumbling growl}...elbow? Yes, there are places that need an elbow, thank you."

About that time, the food arrived. It's not like we were super hungry, but I think we did eat a little faster than usual.

He sent me the GPS and we headed to the cabin he'd found by a lake.

When we got there, we unloaded and got settled in. He started a fire in the fireplace. I made some tea. We went outside and sat on the swing.

Once we'd gotten situated, he reached over and pulled both of my legs over his and pushed me back against the arm rest. Then he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and said "That's better." The atoms loved this. I wiggled a little until they all felt just right/.

Unlike at the truckstop, here I could close my eyes and steep in it. So we did.

The pressure of lips to my temple brought me back. I must have dozed off, God I hope I didn't snore.

"You ready to go in? It's about time to check on the fire." "Hmmmum." I muttered as I stretched. "Let's go then," as he gave my thigh a light slap. Cheater, dirty rotten cheater. We both know he has more discipline and self control than I do. Now I know he's messing with me. I wish I hated it. Not really.

"Can I do your shoulders first?" "I won't say no to that." "OK, I'll get set up." I remember wondering, 'did he just growl, again?' Relax Anticipation, just relax.

I found a floor pillow and put that in front of the couch. Then I ran into the bathroom real quick, to wash my feet and hands. I put a few drops of lavender oil on my hands and in my hair. I liked the smell and it wasn't invasive.

I sat down on the couch, with my feet on either side of the pillow and patted it. He grabbed another pillow, plopped it down then wiggled himself comfortable on his double-pillow throne. He hooked his arms over my knees. I nestled them up into his armpits, applying light pressure but also relieving the strain of the weight of the arms.

I started with the meatiest bits, his deltoids. They were full of knots and tight strings.

Squeezing them, between my thumb and fingers, I could feel the bad places. I pressed my thumbs along, around and over them. Then used my whole hand to smush across the broad part of the blade.

I took each shoulder between the heals of my hands, pressing and stretching the joint.

I paid attention when he made the noises, and try to do it again.

I reach down each side and squeezed his biceps, kneading them like bread, up and down his arm. Elbow to shoulder and back again.

Leaning against his back and I reach down for his forearms. The atoms in my chest and shoulders and cheeks and arms now understand what the leg ones were talking about.

I squeezed my thighs together a little, hugging his torso, while I rubbed his hands.

I made my way back up, his harms, lean back and start on his neck. This is a thumb job. Fingers along the collarbone, thumbs running from shoulder blade edge to the base of the skull and back again.

The heal of the hand followed the same path next. One hand supporting on the opposite side. Holding his head so that he doesn't have to. I gently switch sides, heal of the hand up and down the back side of his neck.

Now for the elbows. "Lean forward on your knees, please" he rearranges himself and I start on his right shoulder. Elbow all along the edge of the shoulder blade. Not too much pressure, but right in the places that are hard to reach. Then up and along the back of his neck.

Now for the head rub. "Does hair pulling bother you?" "Are you kidding?" Oh good.

I put my thumbs at the base of his skull and slowly massage my fingertips from around his hairline all the way up to his crown. Then I take them forward along the top of his brow and down to the temples. He leans back, arms stretched over my thighs and sighs.

After most of the tension is gone, I start to gently pull his hair back from his forehead. Half stoking half pulling, just enough to stretch the scalp.

My hands are spent at this point, so I rest them on his shoulders and kiss the top of his head.

"I'll get you some tea, while you stretch." Grunting noises as he leaned forward so I could get up.

I came back in in with the mugs. He reaches up from the floor to take them both and sets them on the floor. Then he reaches out to me and pats the front of his pillow thrown. It's Lap time. The atoms cannot believe there is more.

I sit down between his thighs, legs over and sink into his chest. One arm came under my knees and the other around my back. Together they pulled me deeper in. I felt his fingers digging into my outer thigh, as he pulled. He had NO idea.

Having my legs, my hips and thighs rubbed is one of the most pleasurable things I know. But I didn't figure it out until late in life. It's not exactly sexual pleasure, but it is existential pleasure.

I couldn't help a little moan when he squeezed the back of my thigh in the palm of his hand. I let my head fall deeper into his chest as he worked up and down my thigh. From behind my knee, hand by hand, up to my hip and around the joint, then back down again.

I was definitely aroused. Not on purpose, but I def was. And so was he. Neither of us aggressively so, but there was no denying it.

As one hand cradled my thigh, the other moved down to the top of my hip. "Lean forward," I obeyed. He put his thumb, right into the flesh behind my hipbone, right in the joint. What I did for his shoulder, he did for my hip. I had no idea how much it had been hurting me. And no idea how good this would feel.

He moved his hand from under my thigh to over, and proceeded to make his way up again, to my hip bone. He cups it around my hipbone, then Digs in with his thumb from the back. He squeezes the fleshy part of my hip. He is a genius.

He begins to work his way back down to my knee. But this time, his thumb is deeper down the inside of my thigh. Pressing on the underside of the muscle. I didn't think I could get any closer to him, but in this moment, I try.

When he gets to my knee, he brings his arms together around me and pulls me in tight. You know that feeling when someone holds you REALLY tight? Yea, That.

He presses his forehead to my crown and asks "Ready to switch sides?" The atoms responded without me.

As he worked the other leg, I found my forehead pressing and rubbing against his collarbone. Why did it feel so good. I could feel him lay his head back, also lost a little. Knowing I wasn't lost alone, was nice too.

"I think your hips need a better angle. Sit astride me." I obliged.

He slipped down a little, and pulled my hips up on his. My thighs were tucked against his waist. Oh God, I forgot he was wearing 501s, where did he find 501s?

His hands were big enough to cup my entire hip and they were so strong. I wrapped mine under his hair to hold the back of his head and supported my forearms on his chest.

"Does hair pulling bother you?" he asked. "I like it," I whispered into his neck.

Faster than I imagined, his hand was under my hair, pulling my head back and my hips tighter to his. His forehead mashed into the crook of my neck. I could feel his beard and cheekbone and nose rubbing all over my neckline.

And then his teeth, not grazing but not quite gnawing.

His hair hand pulled harder and his hip hand squeezed and pulled me further on top of him. I let go, I couldn't help it. He did too.

My body was flowing within itself. Vibrating, not violently but deeply, like his 'bass voice' was in each of my cells. Shaking, rocking.

I pulled my arms into my chest with my hands between our hearts. He wrapped his arms around all of me and pulled me in again. Swaying ever so slightly.

A log fell, in the fireplace, I felt his eyes pop open and focus. He rubbed my back gently and said "I need to check the fire, stay here I'll bring back a blanket."

I arranged myself and picked up one of the mugs of still warm tea. Hugging my knees to my chest, as I tried to hold onto the feels. So many delicious feels.

He came back from the fire and crawled in behind me and leaned me back against his chest. "Can we watch the fire for awhile?" "Hmmmum," I mumbled nodding against his neck. "I forgot to rub your heals, I'll do it tomorrow." "Mmmmm"

And all of our atoms sighed.