Ashley Thompson Cpa

May healing arrive for all who have lost

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I wanted to be a hero single dad, the one who persevered through loss and raised his children alone.

Losing Jessica was one of the toughest experiences of my life, even though we had plenty of notice death was lurking. At first, her cancer--her second bout--was in remission, but the doctors had warned us it would return, and when it did--not if--it would be worse. That's the way it is with glioblastoma, they said.

They were right. Unfortunately.

The night we sat with our children to tell them she was going to die was such a sad memory. I realized for the first time I couldn't grieve freely. I had to be brave for my kids. I had to be their rock, the one solid person in their lives.

So, at Jessica's death, I had to cry in private, then hold my kids as they cried. Private sorrow, public strength. Over time, it wore on me, but the way I saw it, I didn't have time to do anything other than to devote myself to Amy and Brett. Not even time to grieve.

There was also the looming tax season. As the managing partner of a CPA firm, I not only had my own clients, but all the issues of managing a business. It was becoming too much. Some nights, I was embarrassed to admit to myself, I still cried about Jessica. I missed her, and I found I could no longer do it all.

There were even times when I didn't care about clients or work, and that scared the shit out of me.

Yes, I was depressed. I knew it, and I knew I might have to admit my weakness and seek help.

In my heart, I knew I had to make a change, so I called for a meeting of the partners and explained my burdens. As a group, they included my closest friends, so they were not surprised when I announced my resignation as managing partner. Watching their faces, I think they expected it. They thanked me for my service, took nominations and voted on my replacement.

I felt immediate relief. I sat in my office, contemplating how much simpler life would be. I could focus on my clients and my children. Inside, I knew it wasn't enough.

I missed Jessica.

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A couple of weeks later there was a knock on my office door. I looked at the clock. Nearly 6 pm. I had no idea it was so late.

"Yes?"

The door opened, it was Ashley Thompson, the newest partner in the firm.

"John, do you have a minute?"

"Sure, Ashley! Come on in. Have a seat."

"John... I'm sorry. I wanted to express my condolences long before this but could never quite find the right words."

"I understand. No one ever knows what to say, because the loss is so personal."

"Well, I wanted to tell you how sorry I am."

"Thanks, Ashley. I appreciate it. I really do."

"John... I... I want to say something else, but I'm so nervous. Look, I know how managers have to be so careful about sexual harassment claims..."

"Have I done anything..."

"No! No, that's not it. I didn't feel I could approach you while you were managing partner, but maybe now..."

"Ashley, I don't understand what you're trying to say, so just say it. Get it out. You know I can handle it."

"No John, it's nothing about you... well, maybe it is, but not what you think. It's not bad--at least, I hope not. Oh God, I'm so nervous!"

"What do you have to be nervous about? Are you leaving the firm?"

"No! I love it here. No, I want to stick my neck way out and ask you... well... would you go to dinner with me?"

"Ashley... well, I didn't see that coming! I feel flattered that you would ask, but..."

"But you're not interested."

"No, that's not it at all. I'm just so focused on my kids..."

"John, how's that going for you? I see your face. I've watched you this past year. Tell me you're not lonely."

"I'm doing ok."

"I didn't come in to criticize you. I couldn't possibly do as well as you've done. I just want to have dinner with you. A date."

I knew she was right. Everyone could see it. I needed someone.

"Ok, I'd love to have dinner with you. You know, it'll be my first date. Where are we going?"

"Oh, that's wonderful! How about The Holly and Ivy Inn? Friday at 7?"

"That sounds nice. One of my favorite restaurants, although it's been a few years, since..."

"I know. Your life has changed so much. Would you like to pick me up, or do I have to drive, since I asked you out?"

"I'll be happy to drive. Text me your address. I'll pick you up about 6:30, ok?"

Ashley was smiling, greatly relieved. "Thanks, John. I'm looking forward to it."

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"Hey, Amy, I'm going to dinner with someone tomorrow night. Will you and Brett be ok on your own?"

"'Someone.' Like a date, Dad?"

"Something like that."

"Wow, that's great! Of course, we'll be fine."

"Why is that great?"

"Because you need someone. You need to move on. You're lonely. Brett and I have been worried about you, Dad."

"Worried? Why?"

"Because you're lonely. Mom wouldn't want that."

"I've just been focusing on you two."

"You can't do it alone. Not this and your work. Who are you going out with?"

"Another CPA."

"A man?"

"No! A woman in our firm."

"Is she pretty?"

"Yes, but that's the last question about her I'll answer."

"Until after your date."

"We'll see. Thanks for worrying about me, but I'll be fine."

The problem was, I wasn't sure I would be fine. Amy was right. I was lonely. Running on empty most of the time. Oppressively lonely. Other than my kids, life seemed empty.

However, I was surprised at how excited I felt about the date. I knew Ashley as a partner, of course. Shortly after she joined the firm, not yet a partner, I referred a client to her. I was way too busy then to add a new client. Later I heard back from that client, who was thrilled with Ashley as his CPA. She went on to rapidly build a clientele and was soon offered a partnership. She bought in. Paid cash instead of financing it, the way most did.

None of that was my reason for being excited about our date. As I thought about it, and I thought about it a lot that week, I had two reasons for feeling that way. I knew I needed someone in my life, but the thought of looking--searching--was more than I could face.

Also, Ashley's a beautiful woman. Probably in her late 20's. Brunette with pretty highlights. A dazzling smile. Everyone commented on her smile.

I've always assumed, although she never said anything, that she got hit on in the office. I'd kept my distance, but that was hardly to my credit. I was married, until I wasn't, and then I was grieving.

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As it turned out, Ashley lived only about 10 minutes from me. When I drove there, I was surprised it was a single home in a very nice neighborhood, not a condo or an apartment. The home and yard were immaculate.

I pulled into the driveway and discovered how nervous I was as I walked up to the door. I had spent 10 minutes at a florist, agonizing over whether to buy her flowers. Since when had I had trouble making decisions? I finally bought them but now I felt a little awkward.

After a deep breath, I rang the doorbell. I heard footsteps, and when the door opened, I saw that dazzling smile.

"I brought you some flowers. I hope that doesn't feel too..."

"Too sweet? Thank you. I mean that, John. Come in while I put these in water."

I followed her--and her beautiful legs--something I had only been vaguely aware of--into the kitchen. She was wearing a short skirt with a beautiful--and expensive--silk blouse, and she was putting the flowers in a lead crystal vase.

"I want to put these where I'll see them every day."

I followed her into the dining room--expensively decorated--and she put the vase on the dining table.

"Do you eat in here? Is that why you'll see them?"

"No," she said, laughing. "I walk through here every morning and night to and from the garage. Thank you for these, John. They're beautiful, and they smell delightful."

We walked to the car. I had a million questions but opened the car door for her first.

"Thank you, John!"

"It's quite all right. My mother and my wife trained me."

"Good for them. Nice to know you can be trained."

I got in and started driving.

"Ashley, can I ask a question? I guess this comes with a warning, because I probably have a lot of them."

"Sure, you get one question before dinner."

"Why did you ask me out?"

"Ouch! Are you out to embarrass me in the most direct way?"

She was smiling. I loved seeing her smile.

"Does it embarrass you to answer that?"

"A little, but it's a fair question. John, I thought you were handsome when I first met you, but obviously happily married. After Jessica died, I knew I couldn't approach you because you were the managing partner. You couldn't have dated a partner. Not with your responsibilities. Too dangerous these days."

"That changed when I stepped down."

"Yeah. I kinda hoped you might ask me out, but I quickly realized I had one shot, and I had to take it."

"I'm glad you did."

"I wondered whether you were ready."

"I still wonder. I know I wasn't ready until recently, if at all."

"How do your children feel?"

That made me laugh. "I only told my daughter, Amy. She's thirteen. I wanted her to be in charge tonight and she guessed I was going on a date. She was happy about that. Really happy."

"Happy for you, or for herself?"

"I hadn't thought about that. I assumed it was for me. You may be right, though. My kids need a mom, and I think they know it."

"Since you got a question, I'll ask you--why did you say yes when I asked you out?"

"I tried to claim I was doing fine. I'm not. That's hardly news to you. I'm lonely. I've focused on Amy and Brett, but my life feels empty and I miss Jessica."

Ashley didn't say anything. She just put her hand on my arm.

We arrived at the restaurant, and I opened her door. Ashley had made a reservation, so we were seated quickly.

The menu at that place was upscale, with traditional American dishes prepared with a lot of creativity and European influence. It changed often, due to the chef's preference for seasonally sourced ingredients.

"Remember, this is on me, John. I asked you out."

We ordered our food and then I looked into her eyes. I had to ask.

"Ashley, you have a very nice home."

"Thank you. You're wondering how I have that, and a nice car, and purchased my partnership with cash. Come on, you're a CPA. You have to be wondering."

"Ok, guilty as charged."

"That's ok. I'd ask, too. I come from money. My grandfather, my father. Lots of it. I had a trust fund from my grandfather, and a third of it was distributed to me when I turned twenty-five. That was three years ago. Now you don't have to figure out how to ask how old I am."

"I would never have done that! I would have looked it up on the firm's records."

"I wanted to ask your age, and I don't have access to firm records."

"It's probably online somewhere, but I'm thirty-five."

"You're younger than I thought. Sorry, that sounded bad. I only meant you were a young managing partner. That's what convinced me you were older, like at least 40."

"You think I look 40 years old?"

"Now see, I knew you would interpret that wrong. Only because you were managing partner did I think you were older."

I was laughing at her discomfort.

"Alright, I guess I'll overlook that. Ashley, the usual first date involves descending into superficial questions about our favorite colors and where we went to school. Rather than doing that, would you mind if I asked something more personal?"

"Not at all!"

"Have you ever been married?"

"You weren't kidding. Green, by the way."

"Green?"

"My favorite color. I was almost married. Engaged four years ago."

"What happened?"

"I was in love, thrilled when he proposed. A month later, we sat together to plan our wedding. We had a minor disagreement about something, but instead of discussing it calmly, he was argumentative and demeaning to me. It was his way or the highway, but he was also nasty about it. Personal.

"He called me the next day to apologize, but I told him to get lost. I met him later that day to hand him the ring."

There were tears in her eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Ashley. I know it doesn't make you feel any better about it, but you obviously made the correct choice."

She was nodding her head and wiping away tears.

"Well, you made me cry. Can I ask something sensitive?"

"Sure."

"Tell me about Jessica."

"Wow, well, we met as undergraduates. She was a marketing major, and I was in accounting, obviously. We were both in the business school, so we ran into each other in the study lounge a lot. I eventually asked her out."

"Not before checking out her numbers, as a good accounting student?"

I had to laugh over that. "Well, you know how we are, it's all in the numbers. Hers were 35-24-34."

Ashley laughed. "I think it's healthy you can make jokes like that."

"I suppose. We dated for a year and got married right after graduation. I had packed in a lot of extra courses before graduation, so I could satisfy the 150-hour rule in this state. I got an entry-level accounting job and studied like crazy for the CPA exam.

"Jessica got a decent job with a marketing organization, but we decided to start our family. The reason we decided that is because Jessica got pregnant."

Ashley was laughing. "I like that line."

"She worked another six months. She was almost eight months pregnant then. Amy was our first, and Brett was born twenty months later."

"Did you decide to stop with two?"

"We didn't have much of a choice. She had ovarian cancer."

"Oh, John! I'm so sorry."

"The good news was I still had her. After remission, we had eight more years before she was diagnosed with glioblastoma. That's pretty-much a death sentence. She outlived her doctors' prognoses, but only by a little. Less than a year after diagnosis."

"You two went through a lot together! Wasn't it Thurber who wrote something about love being what you experience together?"

"Yeah, one of my favorite quotes. Jessica was the love of my life. We went through a lot together. That's life."

There were tears in my eyes. Ashley's too.

"A friend once told me, if you want to know the character of a man, ask him about his wife."

"Did you learn anything?"

"I did. You're a good man."

She reached across the table and put her hand on mine.

"At the risk of asking too much, how did you and Jessica tell your children she was going to die?"

Her hand was still on mine, but that was fine. That part would be tough.

"We thought about ordering pizza or going out to dinner, but decided we would link good food with a bad memory, and they would never be able to go for pizza with friends. We sat around the kitchen table and told them. Straight-out. We didn't want false hope. There were a lot of tears."

"I can't imagine having to face that."

"I couldn't, either. But there was no avoiding it."

She squeezed my hand, but I held her hand instead. There was no avoiding that either. I cried. It was long overdue. I was looking down at the table, wiping away tears and losing the battle.

Ashley moved over to the chair closest to me and put her arm around me.

"Sorry, Ashley. You didn't ask me out to watch me cry."

"No worries here. I think you needed that, based on what I just heard and saw."

"Yeah, probably so. I can't really cry on Amy's shoulder, can I?"

"John, if you need a shoulder to cry on..."

"Make sure you know what you're offering! That may be too much for you."

"Probably not. I've been unfair to you, asking you questions about such emotional things. Is there anything else you want to know about me?"

"The night you had the argument with your..."

"Donald."

"Ok, with Donald. Did you cry that night?"

"Yeah. A lot. And for days afterward."

"Was it for him or the engagement?"

Ashley paused, thinking it over.

"I cried because I loved him, but I knew I couldn't marry him. I had never thought about it the way you asked it. I guess part of my crying was the end of the engagement. Yeah, I was looking forward to being married and having children. All that crashed as well."

She wiped away some tears. Then she started laughing.

"Is this your most interesting first date ever?"

"Without question, but look, Ashley, we've already covered a lot of the heavy stuff. Everything else should be easy."

"Does that mean you want to see me again?"

"I'm probably not done crying. Just kidding--I hope. Yes, I'd like that. Would you?"

"I would. A lot. And I don't care if you need to cry. I think you've held that inside for a long time."

As I drove her home, she held my hand.

"You know. I can think up more emotional questions."

"I'll answer them, but maybe you should save some for our next date. I'm probably on the verge of dehydration."

"It's a deal."

I walked her to her door, and she kissed me on the cheek.

"Thank you for being a good sport about my questions. I learned a lot about you. Thank you for the courage you had to cry in front of me. And mostly, thank you for the beautiful flowers. John, when can I see you again?"

"I'd like to cook for you, but it might be weird with my kids there. You know, everyone sitting at the table feeling awkward."

"I'm not a great cook, or I would offer. I do have a nice grill in the back yard, and a swimming pool. Interested?"

"I can bring some nice steaks, but Ashley, I'm not sure how comfortable I am with the two of us in the pool. Please understand, a friend of mine once told me his first date after his wife died, he felt like he was cheating. I kind of felt that way tonight, as irrational as it may be.

"But the real issue for me is we are two partners in the city's largest and best CPA firm. I've always been careful about appearances. A pool party just with the two of us tomorrow might not look good. All we need is someone posting photos online."

"I get that. You're right."

"No, I like your idea. It's also the perfect excuse to bring my kids, but let's do it tomorrow, if possible. All I need to tell them is a friend from our firm invited us over for steaks and swimming."

"Is that all I am to you, John?"

"I, ummm..."

"Relax! That was fun to watch you squirm. I was just yanking your chain. Invite them! I think that's a great idea."

"So, it's going to be like

that

with you!"

We were both laughing.

"You wanna come with me to the store to get steaks and whatever else we might want?"

"Love to."

On the way, we decided to get ears of corn. Ashley said she didn't have any good steak sauce, so I bought my favorite, plus my favorite dry rub. She added some sodas to the cart, then she thought of getting chips, so I called Amy to ask what kind she and Brett liked. She wanted Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos, if we can find it, otherwise Flamin' Hot Doritos, which is also what Brett would want.

"What's this about, Dad?"

"My friend, Ashley, invited the three of us over to her place tomorrow for steaks and swimming in her pool. We got some ears of corn, too."

"Is this the woman you had a date with tonight?"

"Yeah, it is."

"Then we're definitely coming."

I hung up and looked at Ashley and told her what Amy said.

"Clearly we both need to be ready for her inquisition."

We were laughing as we walked to the car. I opened the trunk and put the bags there, and as I closed the trunk, Ashley put her arms around my neck and kissed me.

I know I hesitated, but then I pulled her close, and the kiss got a lot hotter. Her tongue tentatively touched mine, and then the kiss ramped up another notch. She moaned as we kissed.

We came up for air finally.