A cute hat, a shamrock, a lovely pool...and an Irish nympho?
This story is written for blackrandl1958's "
Surfing with the Alien
" challenge, inspired by guitarist Joe Satriani's great musical number of the same title. Thanks, Randi, for the invitation, and thanks to everyone who reads it.
Special thanks go to my friend JoshFrom53 for his efforts in beta reading this story and making suggestion to help me improve it. Any errors that you may notice are mine and mine alone. If you're looking for a new story after this one, I invite you to consider one of Josh's works.
© SouthernCrossfire - 2023. All rights reserved.
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A slight, seemingly hesitant tap on the open door of our bedroom intruded upon our lingering throes of connubial bliss. Of course, it wasn't Matt's fault; I was the one who'd unlocked and opened the door clearing the way after we'd cleaned up and Kathy was dressed in her nightgown. Sitting side by side in the bed snuggled together but holding books we weren't yet reading, she pulled the comforter up a bit to cover her still prominent pokies and any other potential signs of our recently completed activity.
"Come in," I called to him as I closed the book and set it on my nightstand. "What's up, son?"
Matt, age thirteen and a half and our only child due to problems during Kathy's pregnancy, stood on my side at the foot of our bed and looked at me with that same hesitation I'd sensed with the knock. "Dad, uhm, where do we come from?"
I looked at him for a moment, knowing we'd had the discussion about the birds and the bees and human sexuality just a few weeks earlier, so I figured he needed to clarify something, but I was curious why he'd have directed the question specifically to me. Probably, I figured, because he'd timed asking the original question while Mom was making a trip to the grocery store.
"Matt, we discussed this a few weeks ago, son. What can we help you with? Do you need more information on something we—"
"Dad! Not that," he pleaded with his voice and his eyes. "No, I know where Mom comes from and I know I get part of my DNA from her, but the part from you, I don't know anything about. Where do
you
come from?"
Suddenly, birds, bees, and human sexuality seemed easy compared to answering that question.
My usual explanation when people asked about my parents was that they'd been killed when I was young—in an alley outside a theater, in a mysterious plane crash, or when their planet exploded (though that last one was a little too transparent so I only used it when people were being really nosy). My comic-book inspired explanations covered up the fact that my mother apparently got knocked up when she was nineteen and married a guy who may—or may not?—have been my father. That was based on my birth certificate and the marriage license that I found in the paperwork my adopted parents gave me when I was in high school. At the time, even I was bright enough to understand that preemies born at seven months generally don't weigh over seven pounds as I had.
"Well, son, my adopted parents, your late grandparents were descendants primarily of immigrants from England—"
"Dad, I remember talking to grandma and grandpa about that. No, I'm asking about
you
. Where did
you
come from?"
I sighed. "I don't know, son. And at this point, I never will."
He pulled a paper out of his back pocket and stepped around the side of the bed to hand it to me.
"Hmm, DNA testing?" I mused, glancing at the high points.
"Yeah, you can get tested and we can find out where your ancestors came from. We were talking about it in science class and I'm doing a paper so I looked it up on the computer and printed this for you."
Yes, DNA testing for ancestry purposes had been around for a while, but I'd always been reluctant to look into it. Let the sleeping dog lie, as my adopted mom always said. Testing and finding out that my real grandfather or great grandfather had been a mass murderer, a horse thief, or some type of war criminal was something I'd rather not discover.
"Well, son, you know the police use these things to solve cold cases, crimes from long ago that are still on the books that haven't been solved to this point. There's no telling what they might come get me for if I took that test."
Matt's eyes got big, realizing what I was saying before Kathy swatted me. "Sam, don't tease him like that! Matt, fortunately, there's a statute of limitations on speeding so you don't have to worry about your dad getting hauled away." She turned to me. "You'll see about doing this, right?"
Seeing that I didn't have much choice, I mumbled, "Ahh, I'll check on it tomorrow, okay?"
Matt grinned, thanked me, and gave Kathy an odd but barely imperceptible look before telling us goodnight and fleeing.
Turning to her, I grumbled, "You knew about this. He talked to you beforehand, right?"
She grinned at me and said, quite sweetly, "I'll never tell," and reopened her book.
***
Not wanting to do it, I succeeded in putting off ordering the test for a couple of days, but Matt needed the results for his paper sooner rather than later so I gave in, ordering one for him and one for me. He wanted the results, of course, but he also wanted to compare the results of his test to Kathy's and mine to check their accuracy. We submitted and the results came back just a few weeks later along with several offers for them to continue taking our money on a regular basis. With the exception of the results, I threw all of it in the trash.
My ancestors were, for the most part, from Ireland, with much smaller percentages from England, Scotland, Scandinavia, Austria, Hungary, Romania, and Other. Being a classicist, I was disappointed to see no Greek or Italian in the mix.
On the good side, Matt's results echoed those from his mother and me and there were no readily identified mass murderers, horse thieves, or war criminals listed. Despite Kathy's teasing, no police showed up at my door either (yes, I'd long ago paid the ticket for going 92 in a 70 and a few others over the years. As for all of the others where I hadn't been caught? Well, there's that statute of limitations that Kathy mentioned).
Matt was excited at the congruency of the results and was even more excited that the testing firm found several of my third (or more distant) cousins that might someday shed more light on my heretofore unknown family. While he had several cousins on his mother's side, he'd had none on my side before since I'd been an only child. Now, he suddenly had real blood relatives beyond me in my side of his family tree, however distant.
He also got an A on his paper on what we'd discovered and I got a conundrum about whether I should try to contact any of my newly discovered cousins. While Matt was pushing for it, Kathy recommended that I not rush into anything, to make sure I was comfortable with it before making a decision. Therefore, I thought about it longer and harder than I probably should before she asked me about it as we cleaned up after supper a few weeks later.
"So? Have you decided about trying to contact some of your relatives?"
"Nope."
"Nope, you're not, or nope you haven't decided?"
"The decided one. I don't want to contact one or more of them and suddenly be seen as their new sugar daddy."
She snickered. "Hmm, a college classics professor and a high school teacher. Sam, you never know but they might be a lot better off than we are; in fact, they probably
are
a lot better off than we are. You know, they might even see
you
as the one hoping for a payout."
"You and I know that's not true, so we wouldn't have to worry about that."
"Just like they'd probably say if given the chance." Having made her point, she smiled sweetly at me and went back to reading her book.