Up until now my life has not been riddled with self-doubt. In a life this ordinary there are no doubts. I could only be described as handsome by the blind. I could only be described as musical by the tone deaf. In stature, only midgets look up to me. My whole life has been spent being an ordinary bloke. So what has happened to change that? She has happened. She it is that has cast doubts on my ordinariness.
The she in question is Mary Thornton. I met her in my local supermarket when I was spending my meagre budget on one of life's luxuries, food. At my time of life one has few luxuries, and food was one of them. I came around the corner pushing my trolley when I bumped into her, literally. "I'm sorry, they should fit these things with brakes, along with wheels that point in the right direction. Are you all right? I haven't broken anything, have I?"
"No, I'm okay. I was meaning to hang a left here but this damn thing took it into its head to turn right. I think that we can state in our insurance claims that it was the fault of these." And I couldn't take my eyes from her face.
"Are you new here, or is it that this is your first time at this time of the day?" I couldn't believe that I was asking her this, what business was it of mine?
"How perceptive of you. I am new to the district, and I can't believe that I'm doing this, but can you show me what is what and where is where? This will save me flapping around trying to find things."
"Flapping around is good, you find things that you weren't looking for. But, if you want, I'm prepared to flap with you. You never know, I might find something new that I wasn't looking for." Yeah, like I wasn't looking for you, was I?
"I only have to pick up a few more things, shall I meet you out front?"
"I'm just about finished here myself, and I have a trick that makes life more interesting at the checkout. For starters I never use the self-serve checkouts, not because I can't, but because I have my favourite checkout operator. She's not only cute, but she can actually say things other than 'hi, how are you today?', 'do you have a rewards card?, and 'enjoy the rest of your day'. Whoever thought up this crap obviously thought that using banalities like this meant that they didn't have to think of things to say. This girl didn't hesitate to join in when I spoke outside the square, and forced her to think of a response. Now we have semi-intelligent conversations, we talk about what we're doing and are going to do. It turns dull and boring into interesting for both of us."
"I agree, sometimes I wonder whether or not these girls are lip-synching to a recording half the time."
I grabbed the few things that I had left to grab and we walked to the express checkout together. I gallantly allowed her (I hadn't gotten around to asking her name yet) too precede me. Soon it was my turn.
"Hi Janie, how's life in the fast lane today?" I asked her as she took my cool bag from me and slipped it over the frame. I stacked my goods on the conveyor in the order that she should place them into the bag.
"I don't know how I'll be able to stand another six hours of this excitement. How are things with you? I noticed you chatting up that lady, are you going to hit on her?"
"Are you suggesting that I have lustful intentions towards her, or are you just jealous? We only just met when our trolleys collided in aisle 7, I have to take her to the doctors to see if there's anything broken."
"Me jealous? No way, I've got you exactly where I want you."
"And where is that exactly?"
"On your side of the checkout. That comes to twenty three dollars and seventy five cents."
I waved my rewards card in front of the scanner and then held up my debit card so that she could activate the card scanner.
"Any cash out?"
"Nah, if I take any out I'll only spend it on frivolous things."
Her register printed out my receipt, and she handed it to me with a smile. "Go for it mate, she's actually waited for you to finish, and hasn't walked off. She's interested." I smiled at her, picked up my bag and placed it in my trolley and walked towards Mary.
"By the way, I'm Roland, Roland Stevens." I said as we headed for the car park.
"Mary, Mary Thornton. Shall we dump our groceries in our cars and then have a cup of coffee. I assume that you know the best coffee shop in this centre."
"I have my favourite, yes." My car came first and she waited while I opened the hatch and stowed my bag.
"I like your hatch support, what is it and why?"
"It's a pitching wedge. The struts aren't strong enough to support the hatch. They worked after a fashion before I stuck the Vitesse spoiler on the back, but it's as heavy as lead." (I should point out that I currently drive an old (1985) Rover SE VanDenPlas because of my penchant for old and unusual cars.) I dropped the hatch and wheeled my now empty trolley towards her car, which turned out to be a similarly unusual car from the same era, a SAAB 9000 turbo hatch. "I'm impressed, we seem to have similar taste in cars."
"I claimed this to piss off my ex-bastard. He loved this car more than he loved me, so I wouldn't agree to his demands until he gave it to me. He needed the money from the sale of the house to save his sorry arse, because his business was going down the tubes. If he wasn't shagging his secretary I might have let him keep it."
We dumped our trolleys in the collection bay and headed inside to my favourite coffee shop. I chose this one because it concentrates on making simple coffee well, rather than having a squillion different flavours, none of this half caff cap with a dusting of cinnamon for me, I liked mine plain and simple, a flat white.
"What would you like?" I asked Mary as we reached the front of the queue.
"Flat white please."
"Two flat whites," I told the guy behind the counter, "and a couple of slices of that lemon cheesecake."
"How did?" Mary began to ask. "This is weird, our tastes are so similar it's not funny."
"Yeah, I had noticed. You bought pretty much the same stuff as I did back in the supermarket. This is going to simplify matters in the future."
"Are you suggesting at this early stage, how long has it been, half an hour, that you and I are destined to marry?"
"Like you said, it's early days, minutes actually, but for some reason I have this urge to forget that I have very little to offer a prospective bride and put myself out there while I have the balls."
"I'm glad you have balls. Am I to hope that as well as having the intestinal fortitude, you have a couple occupying your pouch."
"I have indeed. They may be atrophied from lack of use, but they're there."
"I see that I'll have to rectify that." We had found a table and were seated waiting for our goodies to arrive. "But getting serious for a while, I can't believe that I could bump, literally, into someone who I found instantly attractive. I don't mean in the film star sense, but someone who is not full of himself and has an unforced sense of humour."
"I can't believe that I have met someone who is so easy to talk to. I don't have to pretend to be someone that I'm not to attract your attention."
"No you just had to maim me with your reckless trolley driving."
"You're going to make me apologise for that for the rest of my miserable life, aren't you?"
"No I'm not. Realistically, if you hadn't bumped into me, or was it the other way around, I don't know, and I don't care, anyway if we hadn't bumped into each other, we wouldn't be sitting here having this ridiculous conversation." Our coffees and cheese cake arrived. "Saved by food, I think I'll shut up for the time being."
We chatted about this and that as we ate and drank, all the time skirting the issues touched on earlier. As we walked down the mall later Mary took my hand to stop me. "Roland, do your friends call you Roland, or is it Rollo?"
"Roland. The few friends that I have call me Roland."
"Okay Roland, what do you think of this?" She pointed to an LBD in the window of a dress shop.
"I think that you would look great in that, all you would need is somewhere to wear it, and someone to take you there."
"If I were to buy it, would you take me somewhere where it would not look out of place?"
"I think that I could manage that." A quick mental calculation of whether my bank account could wear that, and I realised that I might have to starve for a week, but what the heck, I needed to lose weight anyway.
"Come on, I'll try it on and you can tell me what you think." She literally dragged me inside and minutes later appeared from the change room wearing it. She pirouetted around. "Well, what do you think?"