A Christmas Wish

I couldn't sleep. My thoughts were filled with images of my best friend, my confidante, a man I wished was lying next to me and holding me. We'd known each other for years but only recently had we declared any types of feelings for each other. And now, things were somewhat...skewed...between us. And I couldn't figure it out. Yesterday things were wonderful, and today, well...

We spent a lot of time together. We'd go out to lunch, dinner, movies, shopping, even just walking around aimlessly downtown. Many people thought that we were already a couple and several had asked us when we were getting married, but we always just laughed and said that no, we were just friends, there was no wedding planned. But secretly I had always wished that he would just once take me in his arms and tell me he loved me.

Now it was getting close to Christmas and we had been downtown last night for the annual tree lighting ceremony. The city did something different this year from previous years; they blocked off all the streets within a quarter mile of the plaza and turned off all the street lights. They also asked all the businesses in the area to make sure their exterior lights were out as well, so that the only light emitted would be from the sky and then the tree. It was a crystal clear, very cold evening and Spencer and I were cuddling as close as we could out of an attempt to stay even remotely warm. We weren't even really looking at the tree until they lit it up. The many colors of lights on the thirty-foot tall tree lit up the concrete plaza in a warm, pinkish-orange glow. I looked up at him and heard his breath catch as he looked back at me.

"Your eyes are sparkling," he breathed.

I chuckled slightly and said, "My eyes are always sparkling according to you."

"Not like this," was his husky reply.

The expression in his eyes was one of admiration, like it usually was, but it was tinted with something akin to hesitant desire. Slowly he removed his arm from my waist and drew off his black leather glove. I started to ask him what he was doing but he put a finger to my lips.

"Shhh..." he whispered.

Very slowly, he bent down to kiss me. My lips were burning in need, anticipating his kiss, and then I felt his lips touch mine. My body began tingling and my heart was pounding so hard I thought that people all the way across the plaza could hear it. Then he pulled away and looked at me, then looked down.

"I'm sorry," he said.

Stunned, I asked, "What are you sorry for?"

"I didn't mean to do that. It's just that you looked so completely beautiful in the light and..." he trailed off.

I turned away. Why did guys always have to apologize for a damn kiss? Then I got an idea. I turned back to him and kissed him hard, pulling him as close to me as I could. I parted his lips with my tongue and slid both hands up his back, marveling at the way it felt to finally give in to my feelings.

He pulled away again and said, "Val, what...are you doing?" He looked shocked.

I said, in a low throaty voice, "Kissing you."

"I know, but...oh hell. I'm ruining this." Now Spencer sounded frustrated.

"Then be quiet," I whispered, and kissed him again.

This time, he responded with the same passion that I felt, and his arms went around me as we kissed. We broke apart and he started kissing my chin and my jawbone, then my cheek, and in my hair. My body began tingling and my panties were getting increasingly damp, and I wanted to take him right then and there but knew that we couldn't.

"Stop, not here," I whispered. I pulled away and added, "My place."

He nodded, and we headed back to my uptown condo. When we got there, I barely even got my ground-floor door open before he was kissing me again. I threw the door shut and yanked my scarf off, drawing a mild fabric burn across my neck. I ignored it and tore into the buttons on his coat, as he frantically unzipped mine and yanked it off of me. I pulled his powder blue UCLA sweatshirt over his head, taking his t-shirt with it, and he slid his hands underneath my dark red cable-knit sweater and to my silk bra. He reached behind me and unhooked it, then he pulled both my sweater and my bra over my head and tossed them aside as well.

We moved into the living room, where the only light cast was by my own Christmas tree. The off-white carpet and furniture were all bathed in a similar orange-pink glow to the plaza downtown, and the white branches of my tree glowed with each color of light.

I moved to turn on one of the table lamps but Spencer caught my arm and said, "No. I like it this way."

I pushed him to a sitting position on the sofa and straddled him, clad in only my jeans and boots. He caressed each of my round B-cup breasts in his hands, tickling my pink, hardened nipples until I almost couldn't stand it. I felt the familiar tingle of arousal running its way through my skin and down my body, and my pussy began to get wet. Very wet.

I reveled in the feelings that Spencer was producing in me, and I began to move my body slowly, sensuously, over his as my feelings took complete hold of me. I ground my hips downward into his growing erection, feeling it between my pussy lips, creating an exquisite pressure on my clit. I was so wet that my panties were soaked, but I didn't care.

He gently pushed me off of him into a standing position and unbuttoned my jeans. He slid them slowly down over my hips, taking my panties with them. I stepped out of them and let his gaze wander all over my body, which was something I was usually a little self-conscious about but I was so turned on I didn't care right now. I watched as he knelt down, and he put a hand on each of my thighs and a thumb on each lip of my pussy, spreading me apart. I was burning for his touch, tingling with such a passion that I felt as though I were on fire.

He tickled my small patch of black pubic hair, which drew goosebumps across my flesh. I put my hands on his head and guided his mouth to my tingling clit, and when I felt his tongue begin lightly caressing me I nearly exploded with orgasm. I threw my head back and cried out in ecstasy as his tongue expertly worked my clit, and I had to work hard to keep from cumming right away. I wanted to enjoy this for as long as I possibly could. I felt his tongue move up and down each side of my pussy, from my deep, pulsing abyss to the very top of my clit, and I could hold back no longer. I cried out again as I came, as the exquisite spasm overtook my whole body, and I shuddered with each stroke of his tongue over my now over-sensitive clit. I became so sensitive that I finally had to push his head away, and I drew him up and kissed him, smelling and tasting my juices on him.

My hands went to his cock, which was now bulging through his khakis. I could feel it throbbing, and he groaned in pleasure as I stroked it through the material of his pants. I unbuttoned and unzipped them and pulled them off in the same manner he pulled mine off, taking his boxers off too. I gently wrapped my hand around his rock-hard cock and began stroking, while still kissing him and searching his tongue out with mine.

I moved away from his lips and began kissing his neck, and his chest, my hand never leaving his cock. His slender, toned body was rigid with pleasure and his breath came in little gasps as I worked his cock through my fingers. I took my time kissing my way down his chest, stopping to suck on each of his nipples, and felt his cock twitch in my hand as I flicked my tongue over each one. I placed a line of small kisses down his stomach to his hips, and then to his curly patch of hair. I ran the underside of my tongue down the top of the shaft of his erection, and lightly around the sensitive ridge of the head. His breathing quickened and I felt a hand on either side of my head, his fingertips digging in slightly.

I ran my tongue around the head of his cock and then along the underside of his shaft. My right hand went to his balls and I gently began to squeeze them as I finally took him fully in my mouth. I stroked him with my tongue and my lips as I rubbed his balls and I could feel them tighten as he hurtled toward orgasm himself. With my left hand on his back I felt his muscles get tighter and tighter, and I massaged his balls faster, while at the same time drawing him deep into my throat and swallowing multiple times around him. His fingers dug hard into my head as he came, hard, into the back of my throat. I kept swallowing, kept massaging, until he was milked completely dry and his cock began to soften a little. I looked up at him and smiled, and he returned it, with a glow on his face.

Spent, we collapsed back down onto the sofa, holding each other, neither of us feeling the cool air of my apartment. We basked in our glow, in each other, by the light of my Christmas tree, until he spoke.

"What are we doing here, Val?" he asked tentatively.

An ice cube settled in my stomach. "What do you mean?" I asked, not quite able to keep the worry out of my voice.

"I mean, I thought I knew how I feel about you, and I'm not sure what happened tonight, but-"

"Wait, I don't know how you feel about me," I interrupted.

He hesitated. Then, with a deep breath, he said, "I thought I loved you for a long time." His voice was barely audible.

"I love you too," I said.

"No, you don't understand. I said I thought I loved you. I don't actually know that I do," he replied.

I couldn't reply. In a single moment he'd both given and taken away what I wanted most, which was his heart. We lay on the sofa in silence for awhile. My nakedness began to make me feel self-conscious so I got up and went to the bedroom to put on a clean pair of panties and a robe. I fully closed the robe and belted it tightly around my waist, then looked pityingly at myself in the mirror. Why does this always happen to me? I wondered. Spencer wasn't the first guy to do this to me, but he was the closest to do it.

Suddenly I was angry. Angry at myself for whatever was wrong with me, angry at Spencer for ruining what could have been a beautiful evening. Angry with the whole damn world. I peeked out of my bedroom and noticed that he, too, had gotten dressed. For some reason, that made me even angrier.

I strode out of the bedroom and in a cool voice said, "I think it's time for you to go."

He looked at me askance and said in a surprised tone of voice, "Why would you-"

Hot tears stung my eyes as I said, "Please. Leave." My voice trembled slightly with those words.

"Val..." he said. "GO!!" I shouted as my tears spilled over. Then I ran back into my bedroom and slammed the door.

I heard the front door shut with a strange finality, and I lay down on my bed and hugged a pillow as I cried myself to sleep.

I didn't sleep well that night, and I wasn't sleeping at all tonight. I had tried to call Spencer twice today and emailed him, and received no response. With any other man, I would have assumed that he was having a busy or even a rough day and would be perfectly willing to let it go for a few days before I tried to contact him again. However, it was very much unlike Spencer to not at least acknowledge receipt of an email or a voice message from me no matter how busy he was, and he'd done neither. He was avoiding me.

I turned over again and realized that the sheets had come untucked from the foot of the bed, making it that much more difficult to get comfortable as I now had to readjust all the covers every time I changed position. I sighed in frustration and glanced over at the clock. Three-thirteen in the morning. I had to be up at six for work. At this rate I was either going to have to call in or I was going to be a zombie hyped up on espresso all day.

I sighed again and got up. If I wasn't going to sleep, I might as well do something halfway productive. I went out to the living room and, by the light of the Christmas tree, sat down at the table that doubled as my dining room table and my desk, and got on my computer. I started browsing online catalogs for gifts to buy for my friends and family; it was already into early December and I was behind on my shopping. Which meant that I hadn't started. I had three brothers and a sister to buy gifts for, in addition to my parents and several friends.

The thought of my friends brought Spencer back into my mind, and I looked around at the room that was bathed in Christmas lights. Without meaning to, I began replaying the events of the previous evening in my mind, my chest tightening with emotion at the memory. I was in love with Spencer, no doubt, and he acted very much like he was in love with me. But why won't he go with that? I wondered. Then I had a thought. Maybe it had to do with Christmas. Christmas is an unusually romantic time of year, second only to Valentine's Day. And we both thought Valentine's Day was sorely overrated, which left Christmas as a good time of year to bring out feelings that we didn't want to acknowledge.

Now you're just overanalyzing everything. Listen to what he said, he's not sure how he feels, and leave it. But how could I leave it when I was so confused?

I sat there staring at my tree without noticing it until well after four. When I finally noticed the clock I said to myself, "Fuck it. I'll call in." There was no way I was going to make it in to work like this. And I was going to spend the day trying to get Spencer to talk to me. But don't bother him too much. Just be honest about your feelings and hope that he responds. Yeah right. Hope that he responds. I was at war with myself; one side wanted to bother him until he got annoyed enough to say something and part of me knew that he simply needed his space. What to do, what to do, I mused.

I finally dozed off with my head on my keyboard a little after sunrise. I woke after two hours with a horrible cramp in my left shoulder and an ear that was sore from resting on a hard surface. I stood up slowly, trying to shake some of the kinks out of my muscles, and peeked through the slats in my dark wood blinds. It had snowed sometime during the night, but the sun was melting it already. I shook my head and noticed that I had a bad taste in my mouth but I didn't care overmuch. I went to my bedroom and curled up under the covers, and was soon asleep again.

My dreams were unusually vivid and filled with erotic visions of Spencer. I dreamed that we sitting were on my sofa, completely naked, and I was straddling him, grinding on his cock. I felt him moving in time with my hip movements and his pelvic bone rubbed my swollen clit in the most incredible way. I had never been so aroused in my entire life.

Suddenly we were in my bedroom, on my bed and he was on top of me. He thrust his rock-hard cock in and out of me hard, teasing me slightly by pulling almost all the way out, and then pushing back inside as hard as he could. I lifted up my hips up and felt his balls lightly slapping my ass. It drove me into ecstasy, and my pussy was throbbing hard with my arousal. Spencer's movements were getting more frantic, I knew he was on the verge of orgasm as well.

I pushed him off of me and sat up, and he lay down between my legs. I settled myself on his cock and began grinding furiously, reaching down with my hand and rubbing my hard knob of flesh at the same time with my middle finger. He gripped my hips hard and thrust inside me, reaching as deeply as he could, and I could feel his cock pulsing with his orgasm. A second later I came too, so hard it almost hurt, and I rubbed myself vigorously until it was completely over.

But it wasn't over. We found ourselves in the shower, and he turned his back to me so I could wash him. I scrubbed his back with the washcloth in my left hand, and reached around to his semi-hard cock with my right. Slowly, I began stroking him, tightening and loosening my grip and running a finger over the head. I felt him get stiffer in my hand until he was moaning into the running water. I slid the washcloth around to his chest and pressed my breasts and stomach against his back, relishing the feel of his body against the length of mine. I was very highly aroused again and I tilted my hips up so that my clit was rubbing his butt, and very soon my pussy was throbbing with need.

Suddenly he whipped around and turned me around too. He bent me over so that my hands were on either side of the edge of the tub and my legs were spread apart as far as they could go in the narrow space. He grabbed my hips just as I felt him slide himself inside me and start pumping furiously, as though he couldn't stand it anymore and needed me as much as I needed him. He was reaching another orgasm and so was I... ...and then I woke up. My panties were soaked and my clit was throbbing with the edge of orgasm. I rolled over onto my back and whipped off my panties, and I slid my middle finger inside of myself and rubbed my very swollen clit with my palm. I fingered my g-spot furiously, unable to stand how turned on I was, still caught up in my dreams. I could feel how wet I was and I forced my mind back to that shower, back to Spencer and the way he'd been pumping me so hard. Suddenly my body went rigid with orgasm and I cried out, rubbing and fingering it all the way through till it was finished and my body was spent.

Slowly I came out of my near trancelike state and looked at the clock. It was close to one. In one way I felt it was already too late to have much of a productive day and on the other hand it was still too early for me. I didn't want to do anything about Spencer at all until I knew he was off work, and that wouldn't be until at least five-thirty. A cloud of depression settled over me; my dreams and imagination had left me with an intense longing for him that I'd never felt before, and I couldn't fulfill that longing. Suddenly getting out of bed and doing Christmas shopping, even online, didn't seem so appealing, so I closed my eyes instead.

I didn't drift off to sleep, but instead imagined the first star that I see at night, at slightly different places in the sky during the year, but the same star. The North Star. Even though it was broad daylight, I saw the night sky and the star as clearly as though I were looking that them, and I whispered the following wish:

"I wish that Spencer could love me as much as I love him. This is my only wish for Christmas this year, the only thing I want."

I opened my eyes and wondered briefly if it would work. Then I grabbed the book I was reading off the night table and read for a little while, but I couldn't concentrate even on that. Irritated, I tossed the book aside, dragged myself out of bed and into the shower. I cleaned up as quickly as I could and resolutely left my apartment, determined to do something that would pass the time.

I headed downtown on the train and soon found myself in the shopping district. I wandered in and out of stores, shopping for my family and deciding to leave my friends for later. As I browsed, I thought about what each member of my family liked. My father was an avid outdoorsman and anything outdoorsy would do, so long as he didn't already have one. Ha, that's the hard part, I thought, chuckling quietly. My mother loved to read, and she had actually asked for several books that nobody else had gotten her yet so she was easy to shop for.

My brothers and sister each had very different tastes, and just being the youngest of the five of us sometimes made it difficult to shop for them. All three of my brothers were into sports but different ones. Casey loved football, Tom was a golf nut, and Mike enjoyed skiing and baseball just about equally. Which made no sense to me whatsoever. My sister's tastes for everything were eclectic at best and I always ended up shopping for her last.

I found myself in a sports store and decided on some old football memorabilia for Casey and a couple of new golf clubs that Tom kept saying he needed to replace. I wanted to buy Mike a new set of skis, but I knew I'd also have to buy him bindings and boots for them and I didn't know his size. Not to mention that I didn't know anything whatsoever about skiing. So I settled for a new set of poles and a baseball jersey. Then I realized that the store carried a lot of camping gear as well so I bought my father a new camp stove, something he'd been saying he needed for awhile.