Wheres My Roger

(This is the sequel to "Roger that, Scotsquatch" subtitled "The Man Who Thought he was Woman, 'er I mean Ape")

Several months after our initial encounter with Roger the Scotsquatch, Caitlin and I decided it was time for a return trip to the woods. It wasn't just about the sex. We developed a strategic business plan to become rich and famous.

Caitlin, quite the liberated squaw, had hunted and trapped animals for years. She suggested that we attempt to capture Roger. Not just for our own prurient purposes, but in order to further our mutual interest in becoming independently wealthy.

We had told some of our girlfriends about our sexual escapades with Roger. To say that the girlfriends were interested in getting a little of this big dick would be an understatement; they were fucking drooling.

"You know," Caitlin mused, "all this talk about whether or not girls like big dicks is bullshit. Remember when Virginia kept asking 'Is it more pleasurable to get fucked by a big penis?' Doh!"

"Yeah, right," I responded, "and how would Virgin-ya know anyway?"

Caitlin continued, "That bitch fight between Ginger and Simply was entertaining. Simply said, 'Size DOES matter. They SAY its all in how you wiggle the worm, but if you have a three inch worm all the wiggling in the world won't help.' Ginger countered with, 'My point is that good sex like anything else takes a little timing and a whole lot of abandoned notions. Each person is different and each has his or her own unique way of making it exciting.' How did Simply get the nickname Simply anyway?"

"Simply is from the south and a lawyer, remember? I mean, whenever we party and get down to the fucking and sucking, don't we always have to tell her, 'It's time to git nekkid, girl' and such? Don't you recall that game 'Simple Simply Says' we played with those mentally challenged but quite well-endowed boys from the group home?"

"Yes I sure do; talk about dumb fucks. But Simply did get us out of jail that time we got busted for 'disturbing the piece.' I still can't see what the big deal about playing with your pussy in public is, anyway."

"Yeah, really," I agreed, "ya know, I simply can't wait until Ginger finds out Roger's way of making it exciting is twenty inches. She will be singing a different tune when Roger fills up her tank. I bet Ginger won't call Roger 'Needledick the Bug Fucker' like she does the other guys she has been with."

We had another friend, Endlessly was her nickname, and guess what she liked endlessly. Right, anal. She took a little trip to New York City with us. Of course, we are all fans of Howard Stern and we just had to be on his show. You know how Howard always asks the girls on his show, "Do you do anal?" When he asked Endlessly, she just lifted her skirt, dropped her panties and bent over. That dwarf who hangs out on Howard's show came right up behind her and slipped it up her bum. OMG! He's pretty dang big for a little dude.

We knew our girlfriends wanted it; we knew they wanted it big. Click, click. Capture the dude with the biggest dick ever, and would we score or what? The word "pimp" did cross our minds.

Caitlin and I decided to capture Roger, bring him back to civilization, let him fuck our girlfriends in the mouth (wouldn't that just shut them up?) and up the ass for free, but charge everybody else. The thought also crossed our minds we might take him on the Howard Stern show for one of those anal episodes. Like, really, who couldn't Roger make squeal? Ned Beatty was good in "Deliverance" but we couldn't wait until Roger had Ginger, Simply and Endlessly squealing like the three little pigs. Talking about spanking the monkey, this would be turnabout fair play and the monkey would get revenge.

"Yeah," Caitlin recalled fondly, "I love that movie 'Deliverance' and when the toothless hillbilly gives it to Ned up the ass. And then the other toothless hillbilly tells Jon Voight he has a nice mouth and is about to stick his cock in Jon's mouth when Burt Reynolds shoots the toothless one with an arrow."

"Well the dueling banjo scene was my favorite, but talking about Jon Voight and his nice mouth, how about his daughter, Angelina Jolie? Nice lips, 'eh? And she is bisexual so she says. How would you like those smackers sucking on your clit? Angelina reminds me of you, Caitlin. She is very interested in vampires and such and has the Japanese word for death tattooed on her shoulder. I heard she wanted to be a funeral director before she became an actress."

Caitlin and I went back to the woods where we had last seen Roger and his big fat Roger. We had the trap in the back of Caitlin's truck.

"That's one hell of a trap!" I complimented Caitlin. "How did you make it, again?"

"Oh, it was nothing really. I just expanded my old trap. You know, the one I use for, well, never mind. There are sixteen notches on my belt. See?"

"Tell me that rat sandwich story again, please Caitlin?"

"Oh, OK. I got the idea of culinary delights from one of my teen angel experiences. My first real boyfriend was like 16 and I was 15. He had a car and when he picked me up he would never come to the door; just beep in the driveway. The only place this dude ever took me was on a ride down some deserted road where he would feel my tits and whine until I jerked him off.

"When this asshole dropped me off at home he would order me to go make him a sandwich. 'What, am I your waitress and fucking slave?' I spat at him as I got out of his car on our final date. I simply had enough of this crap but I did make him one last sandwich; with Alpo. You should have seen the look on his face as he chewed up that first bite. It was worth the smack he gave me that ended our relationship.

"The dude never would have know what it was exactly but he asked, 'What the hell is this?' I could have said a new variety of Spam but I burst out laughing and told him, 'You are what you eat, dog breath. That's dog food. You want a Milk-Bone for dessert?' I just couldn't resist the urge to tell.

"Well, it was deja vu with the barbecued rat sandwich. I kept him, I specifically ordered a male rat, frozen until the annual company picnic. He ended up on the plate of one who I particularly despised because of his despicable treatment of women. A picture is worth a thousand words and so was the look on his face when he tasted that ratburger. I can't believe he ate the whole thing!

"You know where I got the rat. That place in the UK where we get all of our delicacies. The place where we got the Spanish Fly we are going to use on Roger. The rats come frozen and you can choose from four different sizes and several different varieties. I mean, you can get all sorts of live beetles, locusts and other bugs, including the emerald green blister beetle, the Lytta Vesicatoria, more commonly known as the Spanish Fly.

Ginger, Simply and Endlessly were a little surprised when we asked them for their soiled panties but they cooperated because they were begging us to go get the "gorilla with the thrilla." How could Roger refuse this bait? We thought it would work a little like ether. One whiff and he's dead meat, but just temporarily, thank the Lord!

We set the trap and covered it with branches and leaves. A trail of panties for about a hundred yards led right into the trap. We went back to our campsite and crashed. In the morning when we returned guess what we caught.

Roger had three dead chickens in his hand that we asked him about.

"What's up with the chickens, Rog?"

"Dinner, my dears. I don't like to whack the chickens' heads off. I just fuck them to death."

"How do you catch them, Rog?"

"I seduce them with my charm. The conversation goes something like this, 'Yo chickie, wanna pluck? I don't like fish anyway. Don't I just remind you so much of Colonel Sanders?' When I stick my dick in the chicks they start jumping around just like when they have been decapitated and before long they are in chickie heaven."

"Well, Rog, we have some fucking chicks for you, but please don't fuck them to death. Geez, without the girlfriends our Tupperware parties would be pretty dang boring."

We hauled Roger back to civilization, took him to Ginger's house and Simply and Endlessly met us there.

Of course we left Roger in the cage because we didn't totally trust him. After all, he is a man. Well, partly man, we think. No one will know for sure unless an autopsy is completed, which we threatened Roger with if he wasn't a good boy.

Now, knowing Ginger, Simply and Endlessly like we do, we were a little concerned Roger's libido might not be up to the challenge. So we helped his libido along a little. We made him a chicken sandwich with a liberal dose of the Spanish Fly mixed with the mayonaisse.

Caitlin whispered to me as we made the sandwich, "You know the Marquis de Sade utilized a concoction of these pulverized beetles to entice young ladies to participate in his orgies. Unfortunately he occasionally used a little too much and poisoned his female friends. Cantharidin is the poisonous substance in these pulverized beetles. Normally two grams will result in a fatality within a few hours. Not to get medically technical, but prior to death the preliminary symptom is priapism; a hard-on that won't go away no matter what."

"Really?" I replied as I measured out four grams for Roger's sandwich. "Hey, he's a big dude, everywhere."

The minute Ginger, Simply and Endlessly set eyes on Roger and that gorilla thrilla they started squirming like they had to pee. And then Roger started talking, saying stuff like "a squid eating dough in a polyethylene bag is fast 'n' bulbous, got me."

The girls were mesmerized, and let me tell you, these three were on fire!

Simply cooed, "I know that I am very attracted to very big, very strong, overly manly men. I like to be able to smell the testosterone and it also helps if they like to monkey around."

Caitlin instructed the three, "Git nekkid and start plucking like chickens. That is the variety of chick Roger is used to plucking but it won't take him long to adjust to new pussy."

There was a whole lot of squawking going on and it mostly was about who was going first.

Ginger was playing with herself and staring in shock at Roger's rigid penis sticking through the bars of the cage. "I have never seen one nearly that big before! You could use that dang thing for a baseball bat."

"You ain't seen nothing yet honey," I advised. "Here, rub some of this on it." I gave her the "real" Miracle Grow to play rub-a-dub-dub with.

I found this miracle potion to make dicks bigger in what is probably the greatest literary work of erotica ever published, "The Perfumed Garden of Sheik Nefzaoui." In it you will find the best method for increasing the size of the penis. Prepare a powder of pepper, lavender, galanga and musk. Mix it with honey and preserved ginger and just rub it on. To quote from the book, "The member will then grow large and brawny, and afford a marvelous feeling of voluptuousness."

Ginger was rubbing the ointment I prepared on Roger's cock and he was moaning deliriously. "It's getting even bigger!" she exclaimed incredulously.

I began reading the "Kama Sutra." Opening the book in the middle, I began with the Vadavaka or Mare's Trick. "Like a mare cruelly gripping a stallion, you trap and milk your lover's penis with your vagina."

I read one paragraph. That's all the further I got. Nobody was paying any attention to me.

Ginger jumped up and pressed her ass up against the bars of the cage. I mean, she was thumping it with her butt. It took Roger about two seconds to realize what was happening and he stuck it right in her from behind. I think monkeys have a knot like a dog because she couldn't get loose. Once she got accustomed to the enormity of the moment, and Roger's member, she pounded right back at him from outside the cage as he pounded away at her from inside the cage.

It didn't take Ginger long, she was like a bitch in heat. They were making enough noise to wake George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. She screamed loudly when she came and Roger followed soon behind. Ginger somehow managed to shake loose just as Roger got off and he shot streams and streams of cum all over her ass.

Roger's huge cock was still erect and still sticking through the bars of the cage. All the documentation I read about Spanish Fly was correct. You never got rid of the hard-on.

Endlessly winked and whispered, "Watch me make that Roger disappear. I've been practicing my deepthroating techniques on giant sausages, those two foot ones you get from Dick's Deli. OMG, there's always a long line at that place; all women licking their lips with their hands down their panties."

Roger was just going absolutely wild as Endlessly sucked his cock through the bars. He kind of reminded me of an Elvis impersonator. Unfortunately Roger made the mistake of saying, "No chicken ever got all of me in her mouth like that!"

Endlessly bit him very hard and he screamed. She relaxed her grip and pulled him out and he came all over her face. Then she stood up and pressed her face up against the cage. Roger kissed her passionately and licked his own cum off her face.

Roger was still hard and Simply looked like a crazed zombie from all this watching and not getting any. She put her feet through the second rung of bars and her arms through the fourth rung with her hands around Roger's neck. He entered her.

Fifteen minutes later Simply had marks all over her body from pressing up against the bars and her voice was hoarse from all the screaming and yelling. I mean, she was really going apeshit for this ape and kept chanting, "I smell the testosterone!"

Caitlin and I decided to go home and get some sleep. Eight hours later we went back. Damn! They all were still going at it. I simply could not understand why Roger was not in a state of rigor mortis because of the Spanish Fly. His Roger was quite stiff but that was all.

The girls had let Roger out of the cage and had him spread-eagled and cuffed to the bed by his wrists and ankles. Ginger, Simply and Endlessly were taking turns jumping on rigid Roger. The girls looked like predators; tiger ladies lusting after meat.

Obviously Caitlin and I were extremely pleased with the results of our test marketing of the Roger's Roger. His services will soon be made available to the general public. We have purchased our own zoo and soon you can come and play with the big bad monkey through the bars.

Also, Howard Stern called. We are dressing Roger up like Rachel in a little pink plaid skirt and taking him on the show to do anal with Howard and the dwarf. A star is born!