I'd been married all of my life to a woman who had grown more shrewish and frigid as time had passed, and so ugly both physically and spiritually that I could hardly stand to be in the same room with her anymore. She had become, as I grew wealthier and more successful, a real cunt. She flaunted my wealth, and my success, as if it was her own, and treated other people she deemed her 'inferiors' with the utter contempt that only one who has no appreciation of an honest day's labor can bestow on another human being. In short, I had after twenty years of marriage grown to hate the bitch.
And then I noticed a funny thing. All of my friends and associates were married to middle aged menopausal lunatic bitches, and we were all being driven to an early grave by these monstrously foul creatures who took, took, took, and felt hostile and annoyed if life made any demands of them. This included having sex with us, their husbands, which they now seemed to feel was beneath them. As I looked at my wife - and the other women like her married to my friends - I wondered what the options were as most of were approaching fifty years of age and few of us are what the ladies today call date-bait.
And let's face it, at fifty we're no longer studs capable of fucking a woman for hours on end; sometimes not capable of fucking at all without the help of Viagra or some other such potion. And younger women need sex; how else can they get pregnant and tie their men down to a life of slavery and servitude? And once these creatures have their babies, watch out! The well runs dry, menopause hits, and any semblance of a sane and happy life disappears forever.
Options?
Hookers? Can you spell pelvic inflammatory disease, crabs, gonorrhea, syphilis, or any of the other delightful diseases that lie in wait for the hapless middle aged man in those waiting arms? And let's not even talk about the lonely and degrading prospect of a series of emotionally meaningless encounters, and how that will surely degrade the man's spirit over time. So, let's try another option.
The younger woman option is fraught with peril. Unless you're lucky enough to find the one woman in a million who doesn't have that biological time bomb ticking away in her womb, you're only buying a short term fix. Any young woman worth her DNA is going to be out hunting for some sugar daddy with a Private Banker at Chase, or better yet, Credit Suisse, and she'll borrow your sperm and rope you in to servitude or alimony payments so ridiculous you'll wish you were dead. So while she may be the fuck of the century, look out! Time ain't on your side.
Even if the woman in question is biologically incapable of child baring, that doesn't mean she still doesn't harbor such ambitions. Ever hear of adoption, amigo? And chances are she's infertile due to ovarian cancer, and you ain't seen baggage until you've tried to carry that load. This one will rope you in with a really good fuck, then while away the rest of your life chasing her Prozac with vodka, and spending every dime you make trying to buy her way out of your misery at every shopping mall within a five hundred mile radius. Sounds good, huh?
An older woman? Come on buddy, really. Only fags and really horny teenagers go after women over forty. And lesbians.
On the woman front, that leaves necrophilia. I don't want to speak for everyone here, but this one leaves me cold. I mean, really, who wants a cold pussy. On the other hand, you won't be bothered with idle chit-chat and 10k a month Nieman-Marcus bills. So, who knows, might not be such a bad choice after all! But, yeah, I'm kidding. So shoot me!
So, dogs, sheep . . . Ain't no way, Jose. I read somewhere that about 16% of all young men report having their first sexual experience with an animal. You know what? I'm in the other 84%. I love pets, but ain't know way I'm going to
love
my pet.
