--All you Have to Do is Go By That Guy who's Turning Left.
--If you Want to Turn Left, Waiting for the Oncoming Lanes to Clear Is Supposed To Be Done Out Beyond the Stop Line.
--Close it the Hell Up.
These are in no particular order, but they're all secondary rules. That means that the primary rules override them. Don't pass the drone, for example, if you'll have to hit anything to do it. You can't go around the guy who's turning left if the lane to the right of you is full-- pay attention to what's going on. You get the idea.
Now, it's a fine point, but I want to bring it up now in order to get it out of the way. At first blush, I seem to have made a mistake and put the rule about being responsible for the traffic flow in the wrong category. Believe me, I know how important this is; I even considered putting it into the top group myself for a moment, but I did it this way because I think it is one of those rules which is overridden by the top three.
Not only that, but put it up there in the top group yourself for a moment, just as an experiment. See if it overrides any of the second group. See? It actually means the same thing as every rule in the second group! All of the second group are just specific cases of the rule about being responsible to keep the traffic moving smoothly. But we are getting lost now in the finer points of driving theory. Let's return to the discussion at hand.
Let's Discuss It
The secondary rules will now be taken up one by one. Let's deal with my mad friend's favorite first:
Pick a Lane and Get In It (LSA's forfeit choice of lane).
LSA stands for Lane-Straddling Ass, of course. If there's an LSA ahead of you, you should remember that if he won't pick a lane, you have the right to pick one for him. If you want him to the right, for example, pull by him on the left! Suddenly, he's in the right-hand lane, just like that.
Another little-known rule is the Roger Bannister rule. Remember Roger Bannister? He was the first man to break the four-minute mile, which stood like a barrier for decades. There were even pundits who held that it was physiologically impossible for a human being to run a mile in less than four minutes. Well, he was going fifteen miles an hour. If a car can't go any faster than Roger Bannister, go around it.
People "Traveling" Under Fifteen Miles per Hour are considered Parked.
What the hell, they're probably reading house numbers or something, anyway.
Some trailer parks and such places will post speed limits of fifteen and even ten miles per hour. Treat such ideas with the contempt they deserve-- there is no ten miles per hour.
For years, comedians have been telling us that the yellow light means, "Go real fast," but this is not the case. There's a problem with left turns at any traffic light, and this is one of the things the yellow light is for. If you're not turning left, give the poor bugger who is a break and stop on the yellow so that he can make his turn and clear the intersection. Otherwise, the left-turn lane progresses only one or two cars per light cycle. It's worse if there's only one lane, because then the whole line progresses only one or two cars per cycle.
The Yellow Light is for Left-Turning Traffic.
It's one of the ways you can do your bit for the traffic flow.
Drones. This was originally Larry's theory, and I'm almost sure there's nothing to it. I'll save it for next time, though. It wants explaining, and it'll take a little time to do it right.
Part Two: Drones
The nomenclature of drones goes like this: a drone is the guy going slow, and the drone line is the cars and whatnot piling up behind him. Secondary drones are assistants to the primary drone at the head of the line, and Larry always assumed they had to divide the total score between them, but if you watch what goes on in a drone line, you'll see that a drone with a skillful secondary drone to help him can really rack up a huge drone line. And in heavy traffic, even if they have to split it, each one's score will still be good.
I don't know whether or not this game is really being played. If you find yourself well back in a drone line sometime, though, you might as well observe the technique the drone is using, because if he's any good, you'll have plenty of time with not much else to do.
Drones understand the rule about the first two people behind the primary drone having the onus to pass. From any spot behind the first two in the drone line, it is a hazardous undertaking to try to break out. Once somebody pulls out into the passing lane, the line seems to close up, to heal itself, as it were, and whoever is passing has to canoodle somebody further up into opening up a slot for him to get into. This could result in a lot of people violating Rule One unintentionally.
Drone lines make people feel desperate and trapped, though, and you always have to keep an eye out for people who try to pass even though they aren't one of the first two. The world is full of people willing to risk not only their own lives but yours, too, in order to save themselves ten minutes' driving time.
The first two cars in a drone line can pass and re-enter the lane beyond the primary drone, in the clear. They are also the only ones with a reliable view of the oncoming traffic ahead of the drone. Because the people in the first two slots are sometimes responsible and intelligent and will pass at the first safe opportunity, drones lose points, and a drone line clears. This is where the secondary drones come into the picture. Put a Winnebago or somebody with a good big camper in the first or second slot, and the score begins to skyrocket.
If the person in the second slot really is a secondary drone playing the game, she will use drone techniques to help out the cause. She will slow down in the curving, narrow spots and also as soon as a green light comes into view. But on the straights she will neither pass nor slow down so that others can pass, but instead she'll speed up so that passing her will take longer and leave you hanging in the passing lane longer than is good for you.
Primary drones do this, of course, but if there's a good secondary, there is no hope the line will clear in a reasonable time. At that point, especially if you're back in the line a bit, you might as well smile and admire the artistry of the drone work being done, because you're going to be late if you don't have an alternate route.
Sometimes a person in the middle of the drone line will start slowing down even more, capturing the tail of the line for himself. This raiding behavior is part of the game, I think. There's quite a bit to it, if you watch what's happening.
Most times, the first and second slots behind the primary drone just become filled by timid people, people who promised Mommy they never never would pass, for example. They aren't really using drone techniques, and they will let you by if you want to risk it. This will happen sooner or later if a line persists long enough, and it's just jam for the primary drone, because he gets a lot of the benefits of a secondary without having to split the score.
See if you can spot whether or not the timid one is really an assistant drone! It helps the time go by, and also, if you do lose perpective and decide to pass, it's a lot safer to pass someone who isn't actively trying to keep you in the line, as a secondary drone will do.
This sounds like paranoia...
If the whole idea that the drones of the world are keeping score and engaging in a competition seems like one of those conspiracy ideas paranoid people keep having, well, remember, it was Larry's theory. I was his passenger again, no matter why, and we were going to Dover or someplace, a longish road, anyhow, with only a few good stretches in it where a person could pass. The drone at the head of our little drone line sped up amazingly through those places, only to slow back down again just as soon as the danger that somebody might escape him was over. They really do that, this is not paranoia, or at least not yet.
I said, "Christ, it's like the guy's trying to build up the biggest line he can possibly get."
I can't imagine why, but people often ask me to explain what the heck I'm talking about. "What the heck are you talking about?" Larry asked.
"The fella who's so goddam slow up there. He's built up this huge line, see? We come to a straightaway; you'd think somebody at least could pass him, but he speeds 'way up. Anybody try to pass him, they'd be hanging out there in the oncoming lane too long. So I said, 'it's like the guy is really trying to make sure he holds on to the biggest possible line of cars,' because he slows right down again as soon as the road closes up again."
"CB radios! They're all on the CB comparing notes!" Larry was off; the Big Idea had hit. "It's a competition, man. It's, like, a nationwide game!"
Through the rest of the trip, we brainstormed the whole thing. Or perhaps we only deduced the whole thing? Nah, it's too weird. But you can actually see them, man, behaving just as if there really was a game.
Anyway, the real discussion here is the secondary rules of driving, and the rule which applies here is
In Case of Drone, it's Up to the First Two Cars Following the Drone to Pass.
This is a responsibility we all must undertake to shoulder. If shoulder is the word I want.
