Part One: The Real Rules
There are so many laws of the road that people seem to be, well, confused about which parts of the code are the most important. And I do hate to see somebody, especially somebody just in front of me when I need to get somewhere, suffering from confusion. So I've prepared this little guide to help these benighted people out. No need to thank me; I hope to benefit from this as much as you do.
The Supremes
I'll begin with three rules which are unquestionably The Most Supremely Important Really Key Rules of driving. The topmost one, the mother of all rules, doesn't even get mentioned in the official manual they give you to study for your driver's test.
This may seem strange. Well, it is. Only after many years, as a citizen acquires experience with the ways of governments, does the thing become understandable. I'm over forty now. The real mystery to me at this stage of my life is how come the driving manual they give you doesn't describe the exhibits at the State Museum or maybe contain recipes or just ads from the Chamber of Commerce.
But this is really the big one:
Don't Hit Anything.
Don't hit the oncoming traffic on the left and keep off the mailboxes on the right. Curbs are a warning device placed there by civil engineers to wake you up when you lose sight of this rule.
The next two are
Pay Attention to What's Going On,
which they do mention in the manual, by the way, and
Don't Even Drive in the First Place without a Destination.
Many of the common problems encountered on the roads result from people who fail to obey these three simple rules.
The one about paying attention is a component of a lot of the lesser rules we'll be looking at later on.
Pick a Lane and Get In It,
for example, which belongs in the second group, not the top three; the thinking motorist will note right away that this is only a more specific way of saying, "Pay attention to what's going on."
My mad friend Larry would put
Pick a Lane
up in the top three, but he's not to be trusted when it comes to things that need a nicety of judgement. He has yelled, "Pick a lane, you ass!" out his window at the top of his lungs before. It was a beautiful thing to see, mind you. Inspiring. But you can't applaud it for its finesse or discernment.
One time, I was a passenger in Larry's car because he was taking me to the shop to pick up mine. I'd had to have it repaired after a little difficulty I'd experienced with somebody who didn't have a destination. We had gotten across Broadway during the early part of rush hour, and he was still a bit on edge. At the next intersection, which is ordinarily benign, a cop turned on his rotary roof lights and crept at a snail's pace across the intersection in front of us, followed by a hearse and maybe sixty-two other cars.
There came a noise which sounded like
ush!
from the driver's side. It was Larry, moaning through clenched teeth. He rolled down his window, and I pricked up my ears. It's always interesting to hear what he'll say out the window under stress.
"The crips get all the good parking places, and the dead guys get the right of way!" he said.
So much for Larry's judgement.
Pick a Lane and Get In It
is obviously second-priority stuff.
As long as everybody on the road is trying to get somewhere, it is very helpful if we all drive in a way that helps the traffic to flow on. Of course, you and I both know there are folks out there who don't seem to have any strong drive to arrive anywhere anytime soon. That's the reason for primary rule number three,
Don't Even Drive in the First Place without a Destination.
An exception to this is a new driver learning the art, which nobody will seriously mind. Whenever I find my way being obstructed by some oblivious twit who seems not to be going anywhere in particular, my wife will say, "Probably a student driver," to make me calm down. There are an awful lot of rookies out there, it would seem.
Secondary Rules
For reference, I will list the next batch of rules out in full. Details and discussion will come later.
--Pick a Lane and Get In It (LSA's forfeit choice of lane).
--Back into places so that you can Come onto the Street Face First.
--The Yellow Light is for Left-Turning Traffic.
--Signal Before you Slow Down or Start to Turn, not After.
--You Have a Responsibility to Maintain the Flow of Traffic.
--In Case of Drone, it's Up to the First Two Cars Following the Drone to Pass.
--People "Traveling" Under Fifteen Miles per Hour are considered Parked. You can Go Around Parked Cars.
--All you Have to Do is Go By That Guy who's Turning Left.
--If you Want to Turn Left, Waiting for the Oncoming Lanes to Clear Is Supposed To Be Done Out Beyond the Stop Line.
--Close it the Hell Up.
These are in no particular order, but they're all secondary rules. That means that the primary rules override them. Don't pass the drone, for example, if you'll have to hit anything to do it. You can't go around the guy who's turning left if the lane to the right of you is full-- pay attention to what's going on. You get the idea.
Now, it's a fine point, but I want to bring it up now in order to get it out of the way. At first blush, I seem to have made a mistake and put the rule about being responsible for the traffic flow in the wrong category. Believe me, I know how important this is; I even considered putting it into the top group myself for a moment, but I did it this way because I think it is one of those rules which is overridden by the top three.
Not only that, but put it up there in the top group yourself for a moment, just as an experiment. See if it overrides any of the second group. See? It actually means the same thing as every rule in the second group! All of the second group are just specific cases of the rule about being responsible to keep the traffic moving smoothly. But we are getting lost now in the finer points of driving theory. Let's return to the discussion at hand.
Let's Discuss It
The secondary rules will now be taken up one by one. Let's deal with my mad friend's favorite first:
Pick a Lane and Get In It (LSA's forfeit choice of lane).
LSA stands for Lane-Straddling Ass, of course. If there's an LSA ahead of you, you should remember that if he won't pick a lane, you have the right to pick one for him. If you want him to the right, for example, pull by him on the left! Suddenly, he's in the right-hand lane, just like that.
Another little-known rule is the Roger Bannister rule. Remember Roger Bannister? He was the first man to break the four-minute mile, which stood like a barrier for decades. There were even pundits who held that it was physiologically impossible for a human being to run a mile in less than four minutes. Well, he was going fifteen miles an hour. If a car can't go any faster than Roger Bannister, go around it.
People "Traveling" Under Fifteen Miles per Hour are considered Parked.
What the hell, they're probably reading house numbers or something, anyway.
Some trailer parks and such places will post speed limits of fifteen and even ten miles per hour. Treat such ideas with the contempt they deserve-- there is no ten miles per hour.
For years, comedians have been telling us that the yellow light means, "Go real fast," but this is not the case. There's a problem with left turns at any traffic light, and this is one of the things the yellow light is for. If you're not turning left, give the poor bugger who is a break and stop on the yellow so that he can make his turn and clear the intersection. Otherwise, the left-turn lane progresses only one or two cars per light cycle. It's worse if there's only one lane, because then the whole line progresses only one or two cars per cycle.
The Yellow Light is for Left-Turning Traffic.
It's one of the ways you can do your bit for the traffic flow.
Drones. This was originally Larry's theory, and I'm almost sure there's nothing to it. I'll save it for next time, though. It wants explaining, and it'll take a little time to do it right.
Part Two: Drones
The nomenclature of drones goes like this: a drone is the guy going slow, and the drone line is the cars and whatnot piling up behind him. Secondary drones are assistants to the primary drone at the head of the line, and Larry always assumed they had to divide the total score between them, but if you watch what goes on in a drone line, you'll see that a drone with a skillful secondary drone to help him can really rack up a huge drone line. And in heavy traffic, even if they have to split it, each one's score will still be good.