The V Day Va Jay Jay

It was a risk for Cara to bring her friend Alex to the meetup. She knew it--especially on Valentine's Day, or as they were calling it, "Singles Awareness Night." She never knew what the very blunt--and very single, Alex would say. Cara's man was out of town and Alex hadn't had a boyfriend in a long time. Not even a fuck boy. Not since Bush was in office had anyone seen her bush.

Alex said it was because she'd had a very bad experience. Cara would call bullshit on that as every woman had a very bad dating experience. But Alex would always argue hers was the worst! Worse than any other.

Cara hadn't wanted to go to Singles Awareness Night at their favorite local bar, Jerry's, because she was single. She truly wanted to see a new band play. They called themselves Poppa Cherry. It was a bunch of chicks that dressed as the band Papa Roach to cover 90s and 00s rock. The chick who dressed up as Jacoby Shaddix was actually kinda hot. Maybe she could convince Alex to just switch teams finally and quit bitching about how men were horrible? Or that maybe she'd find a nice guy like Cara's man, Jake?

"But how great is your man, Cara? Jake is out of town! On Valentine's Day! Dump him!" Alex cackled and toasted this idea with her drink. She definitely wanted to play up her man hating angle for Singles Night at Jerry's Bar.

"Hey, I am your wingman, and we're finally going to get you some tonight! Time to try women, Alex!" It was Cara's turn to cackle. And then she said it. Alex and her famous one liner.

"Nope. I'm done. I quite sex. I have HUNG UP MY VAGINA!"

The drinks were flowing, Alex was loud. The next table over--a mixed crowd of men and woman--looked over excitedly. This was great bar talk.

"Alex, stop telling people that!" Cara admonished in her slight Midwestern twang.

"I mean it! I HUNG UP MY VAGINA! IT IS RETIRED!"

"You just hung it up? Like, out there to dry? Like, your vagina is out there drying up somewhere?"

The group at the next table laughed. Cara could tell they were getting sucked into this ridiculousness. Just then, Poppa Cherry's set began on stage. The cross dressing chick who gave a flawless Shaddix--as if on cue--began screaming into the mic, "CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES! THIS IS MY LAST RESORT!"

"Oh man! She heard you!" A guy from the next table yelled at Alex.

More laughter.

"I'm taking you to the adult store after this!" Cara screamed back to Alex over the music.

"What am I going to get there?" Alex wrinkled up her nose.

"I will personally buy you some dick that doesn't talk back!"

Being Alex's wingman was like volunteering to do a job for which there would never be any work to do. Cara tried. She tried to bring her into conversations with the guys at the next table. Alex would just walk away to get another drink at the bar. Cara gave up and declined a few men who flirted with her. She'd tell them she had a man, but Alex was single! Then Alex, who practically had a castle with a moat around her, would not even flirt. The band rocked though. Cara made a mental note to see Poppa Cherry wherever they played next. She eventually poured a drunken Alex into her car.

"I meant what I said. We are going to the adult store now."

"Awesome! I can get some dick that doesn't talk back!" Alex cackled.

They rolled into The Tease & Please 10 minutes later. It was late on a Saturday night and the T&P was popping. There were what appeared to be two chicks loading up on penis stuff for a bachelorette party, some couples, and some horny looking college girls.. Alex beelined for the wall of colorful vibrators and dildos.

"Time to get your va-jay-jay back online for V-Day, Alex!"

Cara held up a 10" flesh-colored dildo with a suction cup on the bottom.

Alex wrinkled up her nose. "That's too big!"

She laughed and spun on her heels, blushing and eager to get away from that va-jay-jay killer. As Alex spun around, she crashed right into a guy who seemed to be shopping on his own in the fake vagina aisle next to them. Cara hadn't seen two people turn so red! Now it was Cara's turn to run away. She left Alex and the vagina guy to stammer and giggle at each other.

Cara dipped into the neighboring butt plug aisle. She heard Alex, high on liquid courage, tell the man, "Don't buy one of those! I've got a perfectly good one that hasn't been used since Bush was in office!"

The man laughed. "Yeah, I saw your friend trying to sell you on a big ten inch. Seems like we each are bringing to the table what the other is lacking."

Perhaps Cara's wingman duties had finally been fulfilled...