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The stories in the "Celebrity" section of Literotica are all fictional parodies - none are true, nor are they approved of by the celebrities named in the stories. Authors write these fictitious stories about famous people for the same reason that Larry Flynt made fun of Jerry Falwell, because they can. The Supreme Court of the United States, the country where this site is located, has ruled that parodies involving famous people are perfectly and totally legal under the United States Constitution. The specific case law on this was decided in the case of "Hustler Magazine, Inc. et al. v. Jerry Falwell" in 1988. No harm is intended toward the celebrities featured in these stories, but they are public figures and in being so, they must accept that they are fair target for parodies by the public. We believe in the first amendment, and more broadly, in the basic principle of free speech and this section may push the boundaries of that principle, but the United States Supreme Court has approved of this type of material. We believe that the Supreme Court was correct in their decision.
*
I was in my study reading a book patiently waiting when the door suddenly burst off its hinges and flew into the room. I flinched slightly. That door was part of the original house and wouldn't be cheap to replace.
Beatrice the Vampire Slayer stood in the opening while her version of the Scooby Gang rushed into the room with impressive speed and spread out. They each looked dangerous in their own way and they were all obviously ready for action. I smiled. Finally!
"You know, it wasn't locked," I sighed, looking at Beatrice. "I've been expecting you for nearly twenty minutes. What? Did you get lost after passing the front gate?"
"Sorry about the door," Beatrice shrugged. "I was hoping for a surprise attack."
"Please!" I said a bit annoyed. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to sneak up on a vampire in his lair?" Before the Slayer could reply one of the others spoke up.
"Oh hey! You didn't say that he was cute!" the redhead giggled as she looked at me. She was bouncing a blue ball on energy between her hands.
"Willow, not now!" Beatrice sighed loudly. "He's a dangerous vampire and we have to kiss...I mean kill him!" I remembered our last encounter and smiled. She saw my expression and blushed. Beatrice knew what I was thinking.
"He does look yummy!" the sexy brunette put in at she looked over the crossbow she had pointed at my heart. "I wouldn't mind kissing him."
"Cordelia, will you please stay focused!" Beatrice snapped.
"Qu...Qu...Quite right!" the eldest member of the party stuttered. He was balding and potbellied. I know I'm supposed to be the 'undead' in this story, but he had a far more deathlike pallor than me.
"You th...th...think so?" a dark haired young man holding a sword taunted cruelly.
"Xander, stop being such a dick!" the short red haired guy standing next to the old man put in. "Leave Giles along. You know he doesn't like it when Buffy makes him come with."
"That's because he's chicken shit!" Xander complained. "I wish we had the television version of him with us. That guy can kick ass!"
"And you think the rest of us wouldn't like to have the television version of you?" the red haired young man asked. "You may fight better, but at least the TV version seems fun to have around."
"Fuck off Wolfie!" Xander sneered. The shorter boy growled and his eyes flashed red. Xander seemed unimpressed. "Don't even think about it!" he warned. "It's not your time of the month. I'll kick your furry little ass!"
"Xander," Beatrice said calmly. The dark haired young man ignored her until she grabbed hold of his arm and twisted. "Enough. We have work to do."
"Okay! Okay!" Xander cried until she let go. He rubbed his elbow as he turned to me and said, "I love it when she gets physical. She's a real dynamo in bed!" He was grinning now.
I didn't bother to comment, but something in my expression must have given my thoughts away. Xander's raised one eyebrow and then turned toward the red haired young man again. "It looks like you're the only guy in the room that she hasn't done the dirty with. I guess it makes sense. Buffy was never much of a dog person. Of course, you would think she'd be willing to take you for a walk at least once considering that she even gives Giles a ride occasionally."
"That's it!" the shorter guy retorted. "You're toast!"
I could see hair sprouting from the visible parts of his body as his eyes turned blood red. His jaw extended and his hands became more doglike with long, sharp claws. He howled loudly as he transformed. I could empathize. That had to hurt! On the other hand, I was also a bit annoyed. He was making such a racket that I'm sure the neighbors would complain.
"So," Xander sneered once more. "Has the little doggie learned a new trick?"
Xander raised the sword he was carrying slightly, but that was about the extent of his reaction. I had to give this guy credit. It wasn't every man who could stand up to a werewolf without shitting himself.
"I'm going to rip your throat out!" the werewolf growled. His voice was deeper, angrier and certainly more threatening.
"You just try it!" Xander snapped. "This sword has enough silver in it to make werewolf winnies out of you!" They lunged at each other. I looked on in interest.
I was a little disappointed when Beatrice stepped between their surging forms and threw them both across the room into opposite walls. She had obviously regained her strength since our last encounter.
"Xander, Oz, you will stop this right now!" she said as if talking to children.
"I really wish you'd stop calling me Oz," the werewolf sighed as he stood. He was starting to flow back into his human state, but I noticed he didn't lose the hair. "I don't see why all of you insist on being called by those ridiculous television names! I prefer my real name."
"Let it go Sean," Beatrice said with a loud sigh and then finally turned to me.
"So, now you've met the Scooby Gang," she said, suddenly finding it hard not to grin. "It's not quite what you expected, is it?" I opened my mouth to reply, but was cut off when another young woman stumbled into the room.
"Wait for me!" she cried as she hit the ground.
"Did you have to let her come?" Xander grumbled.
"Xander, you were a lot nicer last night when I was..."
"I don't want to hear it!" Beatrice said quickly. Dawn was old enough to make her own decisions and mistakes. She was no longer in school and paid her fair share of the rent. As far as Beatrice was concerned, that made her an adult. The Slayer tried hard to forget the fact that Dawn was her little sister at times like this. It wasn't easy.
"I was just kidding Dawny," Xander said.
"Don't believe him," Willow said, causing everyone to look her way. I actually did a double take. She had her pants open and she was using one hand to play with herself. The oddest part was that no one else seemed to notice. "He's a lying bastard!"
"You've just never forgiven me for taking your virginity!" Xander sneered.
"Please!" Willow said sarcastically. "You weren't even close to being my first!"
"You were mine. It wasn't particularly romantic in your parent's basement with your mother's nagging voice screaming down the stairs every few minutes, but you did take my virginity," Cordelia put in. "Not very well mind you, but gone is gone."
"Fuck you!" Xander cried.
"You're not man enough," she taunted. Xander took a step toward her, earning himself another trip across the room and into the wall from Beatrice.
