The Newlywed Game

(No copyright infringement intended. Various other parties own the characters involved. This is written for personal pleasure only. No commercial value at all.)

* * * * *

"Introducing the Federation's couple of the 23rd century, everyone -- let's give a warm welcome to Starfleet's golden boy and his shadow, Captain Kirk and Commander Spock."

Polite applause.

"And from the 20th century, let's have everybody give a round of applause to the FBI's most famous redhead and her moody sidekick, Dana Scully and Fox Mulder."

Enthusiastic hand clapping.

"And finally, from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, let's show our appreciation to the Dark Lord and the love of his life, Anakin Skywalker and Queen Amadala."

Whoops, and whistles and foot stomping.

"Um, Spock. Where are we?" Kirk turned to look at his first officer, seated next to him.

Moments ago, both had been standing on the bridge of the Enterprise. Now they were squeezed together in a tiny plywood booth, facing a mixed crowd of polyester clad humanoids and aliens.

"Unknown, Captain. Although from the attire of the audience, the fact that we appear to be on a sound stage, and the background music which was playing as we are being introduced, I would deduce that we are participants in the 20th century game show called 'The Newlywed Game'."

"Spock. What did you put in that tea last night?"

Spock raised an eyebrow.

"Never mind. So, Mr. Spock, how do you suggest that we get out of here?"

Their conversation was curtailed by the arrival of a male entity sporting beige and green plaid, a yellow tie, and a hairpiece which bore an uncanny resemblance to a tribble. The host. Obviously.

"Well hello there darlins'. Welcome to the 'Newlydead Game' ". A blonde waif of a woman, decked out in three different headsets, began jumping in the background.

"Make that the 'Newlywed Game'. And how are you two doin' on this most marvelous of days? All prepared to win yourselves a trip back to your own time?" He leaned in, leering at Kirk, the stench of cheap scotch oozing from his pores. "Or would you rather stay behind and keep me company?"

"He. Is. Mine." Spock's icy voice drew the man's lecherous eyes towards the Vulcan. But one look into the Vulcan's eyes and he turned right around and headed off towards Anakin and Amadala where he draped an arm around Amadala's shoulders and lodged himself between the young Jedi and his teen age love.

Kirk looked at Spock, amused. "Why, Spock. I didn't know you were the jealous type."

"I am not. However, I concluded that my comments would make a very effective excerpt for the holovid version. Our objective is to win and return home. Is it not?"

Kirk grinned. Leave it to Spock. "So. How do you propose we go about winning our way home?"

"Quite simple, Captain. By learning the rules, complying with the rules, and if necessary, bending the rules."

"Spock!" Kirk whipped his head around. Oww. He knew he should have gone to the chiropractor back on Starbase 6. "Bending the rules? That's the equivalent of cheating."

"On the contrary, Captain. I am not suggesting that we cheat. I am merely suggesting that we use those skills and abilities which are inherent to us." Spock calmly reached for Kirk's hand. // We shall communicate the answers through our telepathic touch bond. //

Kirk looked at him. Nothing. "Spock," he whispered. "Shouldn't we test the bond?"

Spock returned the whisper. "I did. I told you 'We shall communicate the answers through our touch bond.'"

"Um. No. You didn't."

"I did."

"You didn't."

"Are you arguing with me?"

"We're not arguing. We're having a discussion."

"We are not."

"We are too."

"Gentlemen, gentlemen." The host strolled back over, shaking his index finger at both of them. "Naughty. Naughty. No arguing before the game starts. But I forgive you-- both of you. And by the way, don't think about using your bond to try and cheat. There's a dampening field in the studio."

He winked at Kirk, before turning to Spock, his eyes roaming lasciviously over the Vulcan. "And here I thought James Kirk was the cute one. There's something very appealing about you. Hmm ... must be the ears."

The host shook his head, straightened up and moved a few steps away. "In any event, the rules are simple and straightforward. For your benefit, and for the benefit of the audience--all 3 trillion of them scattered throughout the alpha, delta and gamma quadrants--here's how the game works. I send one partner from each of you lovebirds into the mirror room. I ask the remaining partner three questions. I bring the other partner back. And then--we see if you can guess what your partner said. The lovebirds with the highest score win. They go back home. For the rest of you --you play again. Until you win. Ain't it romantic?"

"Excuse me. Mr...?" Scully appeared in front of them, Mulder in tow. He shrugged at the three men, mouthing a 'sorry to interrupt' over Scully's shoulder.

"Dawson. Richard Dawson. Just call me Rich". He sidled over to Scully and dropped a smooch on her cheek. "And how can I help you, lovely lady?" "I believe you've made a mistake. Mulder and I are not newlyweds. We're not even dating. In fact, according to the slash writers out there, he's madly in love with Kyrchek or Skinner. Quite obviously, a mistake has been made. However, no hard feelings if you send us right back. Or at least send me back. And by the way, weren't you the host of 'Family Feud'?" She waited.

Kirk's eye admired her slim figure. Not bad for an FBI agent. Too bad she was in love with that Mulder character. "Oww." He swiveled his head towards Spock at the sharp pinch on his arm. "What's that for?"

"I would suggest that you refrain from mentally undressing Ms. Scully."

Kirk pouted. "I may be married, but I'm not dead."

"Do you wish me to remind you of the wrath of a cuckolded Vulcan?"

Kirk swallowed. "No need, Spock. Consider it a momentary lapse in good judgment."

He sighed quietly in relief as Spock's pursed lips relaxed. He watched as Rich wrapped an arm around Scully's waist and gestured to Mulder to join them. With each under his arm, he brought them into a group hug. "You lovebirds. You really shouldn't believe slash writers all the time. Rest assured that in a slew of fan fiction and in the eighth season of the show, you two become sweethearts. So relax. Enjoy. This game doesn't require you to be married yet. Just sometime in the future—in some slash writer’s future."

Rich leaned in closer. "In fact, I'll let you in on a little secret. Sometimes it's more fun to have some couples play before they become lovebirds. Why do you think we've got the Queen and Darth over there? Now, on with the show."

As he hugged them close, Kirk overheard a hissed threat directed to Scully. "And don't you ever mention 'Family Feud' again. Otherwise I'll make sure you lose."

Kirk watched as Rich shooed everybody to their seats. He looked over and saw Queen Amadala staring at a bubble-gum-chewing Anakin, her meticulously groomed eyebrows curving upwards almost as attractively as Spock's.

He turned to Spock. "If this keeps up, I think we're a shoo-in to win."

"Not necessarily, Captain. As you will recall, your short-term memory for personal matters is rather lacking. The last time you went on shoreleave, you returned with polka dot cotton boxers and not the scarlet silk thong I requested."

Kirk blushed. "But I was distracted, Spock. You didn't warn me that the shop had Deltans serving as personal models."

Spock cast an icy look at him. "Your self-control is obviously in need of additional training. When we return to the Enterprise I shall be scheduling shoreleave on Roquelarian." Kirk paled, recalling their last sojourn on Roquelarian. "Is that necessary, Spock?"

"Absolutely."

Kirk was spared any further time to consider the consequences of his lack of attention when the music swelled and the lights took on a reddish glare.

"Ladies and gentlemen. Boys and girls—actually, we hope not, unless you’re over the age of eighteen. Let's give a warm round of applause to all three of our couples this afternoon."

As the applause swelled, Kirk felt the transporter dissolving the world around him. He rematerialized to find himself lounging on a red velvet chaise in a mirrored room. Anakin and Mulder were similarly ensconced across from him.

He looked around. Twiddled his fingers. Scratched his head. He never was good at just sitting around. "So, gentlemen. How's your love lives?"

Mulder put down the smut magazine he had been reading. "Frankly--could be better. Scully's a cold fish. Skinner's just creepy these days. And since Krychek lost that arm, well, things just haven't been the same. But thanks for asking." He picked up the magazine again.

Kirk turned to Anakin. "And for you?" "Look, mister. I was just freed from slavery. I've discovered that I'm going to be a Jedi Knight. I've got a huge crush on the Queen. And I've just been told my son's gonna kill me some day. Don't you think that's enough for a kid?" Anakin looked up at him with that look that children do so well; that look of condescension directed towards an adult who's asking a stupid question.

"Thanks. I think that just about covers it." Kirk returned his attention to the mirrored glass above him and admired his recently acquired tan. It did make him look rather golden.

Moments later, he felt the beam rematerializing him next to Spock. Spock looked at him, his eyes openly affectionate. Uh oh. Spock didn't believe in PDAs. What was up? Kirk shrugged. Live for the moment. He smiled back at Spock, reaching out with two extended fingers to caress Spock's hand. He heard the audience ooohing and aaahing, and hoping it was intended for them, he batted his lashes at Spock, turning his better side to the cameras. More aaaahs. Excellent.

The host ruined the moment. "It seems as though we have an audience favourite. But not to worry, Dana and Fox, Your Highness and Anakin, the game has but begun. Points matter. Audience reaction doesn't. And so off we go to the first question: if you were a fruit, what kind of fruit would you be?"

Kirk turned to Spock, desperation in his eyes. Help, he mouthed. Spock looked at him impassively.

"Captain Kirk. If you were a fruit, what kind of a fruit would you be?"

Kirk hemmed and hawed. Finally he spoke up. "A mango."

"A mango? And why would that be?"

"Because mangos are juicy to the last bite."

Kirk was rewarded with a rich laugh and a spontaneous burst of applause from the audience. He looked to Spock and was rewarded with the further sight of the slightest of smiles touching the corners of his mouth. One point for the good guys.

"Congratulations, gentlemen. An auspicious beginning indeed."

With undisguised glee, Kirk listened to the other two couples miss their questions. On to round two.

"Fox Mulder. Who's more romantic--you or Scully?" Kirk watched Mulder eye Scully. "Scully." The crowd erupted in applause. Scully offered her cheek to Mulder. He hesitated for a moment, then leaned over and deposited a chaste kiss on the cheek.

"Captain Kirk. Who's more romantic--you or Commander Spock?"

"Easy. Me."

Dead silence greeted his answer. He dared to look at Spock out of the corner of his eye. Ouch. "Spock," he muttered quietly, hoping the holovid wouldn't catch it, "You didn't even know the definition of 'romance' until we met." He hoped his words would soften Spock's stony look and unfreeze his own testicles.

"Captain. Your idea of romance is an inexpensive bottle of wine and the nearest starbase with rooms for rent by the hour. I believe the appropriate description is 'cheap.'"

Kirk felt the blush creeping across his cheeks as he heard the audience booing. Those blasted microphones were more sensitive than he realized.

"Tut, tut, tut. The road to true love has never been smooth. No squabbling now." Was it just his imagination? Or was Rich's voice becoming increasingly nasal?

As he glared at Spock, he heard Anakin answer incorrectly, and winced in empathy as Amadala gave him a tongue lashing.

"And so, onto the third and final question. For double bonus points, whoever answers this correctly wins the game. Anakin, which of your friends does Amadala find most arousing?"

Kirk began squirming in his seat. He didn't like this question. Not at all. Anakin, on the other hand, just looked perplexed. Shrugging his shoulders, he said, "Jar Jar?"

"Squick!" Amadala stood up and raised an imperial nose in the air. "I've had enough. " She marched off the stage, disappearing into a maze of electrical cords and lights. Wait a minute. Kirk squinted. Wasn't that Obi-Wan in the shadows?

"Tough luck, kid. Maybe you'll have better luck in the next game."

Rich walked over to Scully and Mulder. "And what about you, Fox, which of your friends does Scully find most arousing?"

Mulder's eyebrows lifted. He looked towards Scully. Then he looked back towards Rich. "The Lone Gunmen?"

Kirk flinched in sympathy as Scully's eyes raked across Mulder's face. "For god's sake, Mulder. The Lone Gunmen? Do you really think I'm that desperate?"

Sheepishly, Mulder shrugged his shoulders. "Well, you were always nice to them. And they do have a certain conspiracy guy-like charm. Besides? Who were you thinking about? Smoking man?"

The whistles in the audience appeared to confirm Mulder's last guess. As Rich walked away, the two FBI agents continued glaring at one another with a mix of disgust and disbelief.

Kirk felt his heartbeat speeding up as Rich approached him.

"And Captain Kirk, which of your friends does Spock find most arousing?"

Kirk shifted in his seat, drumming his fingers against the plywood seat. Damn, did he have to answer this? Well, there was only one way to win this game. Time to play a hunch.

"Well, Rich, I do believe that the answer to that question is--Dr. McCoy."

Lights began flashing and the music swelled. Kirk felt Spock leaning over and suddenly he was being kissed with a passion which left Kirk breathless. When Spock finally released his lips, Kirk sat back, eyes glazed. "Spock...?" Through a din of music and applause Kirk felt himself being caught in the transporter beam again and heard a disembodied voice congratulating the team from the 23rd century.

Finding themselves back on the bridge of the Enterprise, Kirk and Spock quickly clambered back on their feet.

Waving off the concerned looks and words of his crew, Kirk straightened his tunic and ran his hand through his hair, before turning to Spock, a dangerous smile curving his lips. "Tonight, mister. I want some explanations about the last answer."

Spock raised an eyebrow. "Shall we invite Dr. McCoy?"

--finis--