The Man Who Conquered Loneliness

The Man Who Conquered Loneliness

Hugh Bryss starts an AI dating service

It was a cool, clear October morning in the high desert of the American West. As the sun rose, and the long shadows of the Rocky Mountains slowly receded, Hugh Bryss stepped out of the tent to fill his lungs with crisp, clean air. He'd come here hoping the unspoiled landscape and Mother Nature's goodness could help flush all the crap out of his system. He wanted to see clearly. He wanted to be renewed.

Up until this point in his life, Hugh had failed at love, failed at business, and failed others as a friend. Yet somehow he knew that just as the tallest trees might stand defiantly against a storm, these failures did not define him. As the warm rays touched his face Hugh knew, just as surely as each new day brought a sunrise, success lay in his future.

The only part that was a little hazy, was exactly how he was going to get there.

The key, Hugh was sure, was not to get stressed about it. Just enjoy the day, enjoy the beauty of existence, feel it, let it flow into him, and inspiration would follow. Hugh was a man alone in the wilderness, facing the Great Continental Divide. Wasn't that like life for so many of us, really? Didn't it seem like society faced an epidemic of loneliness, and there was a great divide between men and women? Wasn't that the ultimate goal? Men and women meeting each other and forging a true spiritual union? Both of them wanting to meet on that mountain top to find happiness, but each not quite knowing how to make the climb?

So there he was, soaking it in, feeling all poetic and shit, when wonder of wonders, it actually happened. Mother Nature breathed upon her son, and Hugh was filled with inspiration. It wasn't quite a fully formed idea yet, it was more of a vision. Hugh knew he could help. He could actually do this. He had it in his power to actually bring people together. Not everyone of course, but certainly some people, maybe not very many people, but then again, maybe more than a few, maybe even thousands, and if he were lucky, millions. Hugh could help bring men and women together.

How? Hugh saw in an instant that his particular and perhaps unique skillset, from all the cards life had dealt him, fell into the exact sweet spot between nascent AI technologies, entrepreneurship, social media marketing techniques, recovery, and a thorough understanding of what it felt like to be hopeless when it came to relationships with the opposite sex. Hugh saw a light in the darkness, a path through the fog, a way he could help. How? Hugh would start a dating service.

But this wasn't going to be just an ordinary dating service. No sir! This would be a program to "fix" people who wouldn't, or couldn't, get dates, and to help them find love, and eventually happiness and marriage. "I can do this!" Hugh thought, and all it will take is to combine the insights and methods of a 12-step program with the analytical miracles of artificial intelligence. Maybe add in a bit of the charm and wisdom of the old world village matchmaker, and voila! A million dollar idea was born. Nah! That was old-style thinking, small potatoes, a billion dollar idea was born!

The germ of the idea was Hugh's, but he knew he couldn't do it alone. Especially when it came to the financial backing needed to start any new business venture, Hugh knew he would need a partner. As luck would have it, Dame Fortune provided him with just the guy, his longtime friend N.C. Curity. Hugh had the vision and the courage to act, but N.C. was grounded in reality. Plus, N.C. was by nature a bit more sympathetic to the "plight of the lovelorn," as he often phrased it. N.C. was fond of those old-fashioned turns of phrase. They provided a sheen of ironic detachment and erudition to help hide the fact that underneath it all, he was just another dumbass.

They were like two peas in a pod, Hugh Bryss and N.C. Curity, like yin and yang. Since their school days they'd been inseparable. Back in their school days, they even used to double-date, and inevitably at the end of the night, end up alone with each other. Sometimes N.C. wasn't sure why Hugh kept him around. Hugh for his part, kind of liked the little guy, at least as a wingman anyway. Physically at least, N.C. made him look better by comparison, otherwise, it didn't hurt that on account of his rich daddy, N.C. was loaded.

In Hugh's previous failed business ventures, he never asked N.C. for money. That's only because N.C. didn't have any. The money was daddy's. But now daddy was freshly dead, and that meant N.C. had more than he knew what to do with. But that was no problem, Hugh had ideas.

Hugh went to have a talk with N.C.

"Buddy, you better go grab your calendar to mark down this day, because what I've got to tell ya is big. It's really big!"

"Gee, Hugh, I don't know. I mean, you've had some big ones before that didn't exactly work out, ya know."

"That's old news. That was just practice. I needed that experience to set me up for this. Are you ready?"

"Uh...I guess so. Let me have it."

"It's an A.I. dating service."

"Hasn't that been done? Aren't people trying to do that right now?"

"There's a few out there that are starting, but they're not doing it right. They don't have the extra piece."

"OK. So what's the extra piece?"

"A 12-step program. I'm gonna combine an A.I. dating service with a 12-step program. It's not for everyone. It's targeted at those losers out there who are stuck in their parents' basements, who can't get a girlfriend or who've never had a girlfriend. If we can make 'em believe, there's almost no limit to what they might pay."

"We?"

"That's right. It's you and me buddy. You didn't think I was going to go into something this big without my best buddy, did you? It's you and me, buddy, together all the way. I won't do it without you."

"You mean you can't do it without my money."

"Or sure, your money can help, but this idea is so great I'm gonna get the money, whether it's yours or someone else's. And since you're my best buddy it's only right that I give you first crack at it."

"I don't know, Hugh,...but tell me more. Tell me what you got so far."

"It's like this, N.C., modern society is especially good at one thing: producing lonely, alienated people. You see 'em everywhere. Statistics show there are tons of young men who are almost certainly virgins, who've never been on a date. Some of these guys are the 'incels' the media talks about, guys who if they aren't virgins, have gotta be damn close to it. They sit at home alone, addicted to porn and video games."

"You mean guys like me?"

"OK. Guys a little like you, but also guys that have got it even worse than you. There's lonely older guys too. Some are just older incels; others are guys whose pitiful and heartfelt tries at relationships have hopelessly crashed and burned. I'm talking about divorced guys 40, 50, 60, even 70 years old suddenly on their own, with no direction, completely unknown, but they aren't rolling, if they'd ever rolled. They're gathering moss."

"Gee, that's not bad, Hugh. You should write a song, or something."

"Very funny. But just think, if a humble stockbroker like Bill W could start A.A. and help millions beat addiction, if a morphine-addicted pharmacist like Pemberton could found Coca-Cola, if college dropouts like Gates and Jobs could found Microsoft and Apple, then why isn't it possible that you and I might make our mark too? Hell, we're not even dropouts! We might even achieve legendary success, become beloved by millions? Isn't that the story and the glory that is America?"

"You're painting a pretty picture, and I can understand the 'why not us' part. But I also can say it's because those guys were geniuses. Hugh, no offense, but I don't think we're geniuses."

"They weren't geniuses. They were just guys. Right place, right time, right ideas, that's all it takes. And I'm telling you, N.C., the time and the place is now, and this is the right idea. With your help, we can be the right guys. I don't want to do it without you buddy. C'mon, whaddaya say?"

"I say maybe. Tell me more. And Hugh, loneliness is not just an affliction for men, there are also plenty of women in a similar boat."

"You're right! See? That's why I need ya, buddy. You see things I don't. But together we can make a great team. You're right. It's like everybody, men AND women, expects more out of life, and most people want that to include marriage, but we live in an era where the culture seems like it's at war against traditional male-female relationships."

"I read somewhere that today's women are both attracted to and repulsed by traditional male qualities. Lots of them feel life without a man would be better than life with any of the men they know. Yet still they yearn for companionship, some yearn for children, almost all yearn for love."

"That's what I'm talking about, N.C. That's some deep shit right there!"

As the conversation continued, with flattery and persistence, gradually Hugh wore N.C. down. It wasn't as hard as it might have been. After all, Hugh was N.C.'s oldest and best friend, and N.C. didn't want to risk losing his friendship. N.C. knew that his friendship with Hugh was probably the only thing that had kept him from counting himself among those lonely incels. Every girl he'd ever had, he got while playing wingman to Hugh. Hugh got the girl, but sometimes when the girl had a friend along, N.C. and the friend hit it off for a while, at least until she got to know him better.

Hugh and N.C. met a few times at a local bar to hash out the details of their nascent venture. This program would not be for everyone. First, they tackled the 12 steps. Each person, man or woman, who was a client of the dating service would also be entered into the program. Everyone would need to understand and commit to working through each of the 12 steps. If twelve was enough for A.A., if Jesus could start his movement with only 12 apostles (that was Hugh's point), they decided 12 was the right number of steps for their humble endeavor.

The essential idea had hit Hugh all at once, like he was Moses or something, revealed in an instant out there on that mountain. But it took N.C.'s help to write them down and refine them. These were the 12 steps of their program they came up with (You don't need to complete one before moving on to the next, but all must be completed in order to achieve success):

Acceptance

. Accept that you need help. Without it you are very very likely, almost certain, to die alone. Your cats don't count.

Hope (and Horniness)

. You have to want to find someone, in your brain and in your crotch. Biology is the most probable source of the urge. Without it, why bother?

Faith

. Believe that there is someone out there for you, and this program will help you find that someone. Trust the process. Who are you going to believe, the process or your own pitiful life experience up until this point?

Courage

. No chickening out. You've got to go through with it. Of course you will be scared, but push through it. Everyone is scared. You must push through the fear. You've been a chickenshit your whole life, time to buck up, buttercup.

Honesty

. Don't lie on your survey forms. Don't lie to your match. If you do, you know you're only hurting yourself. The program can't work if you lie. (There was a hidden corollary to this one: If it doesn't work, you must have lied, somewhere along the way. And liars deserve to die alone and unloved.)

Patience

. Don't expect instant love, instant connection, instant sexual compatibility. These things take time. Good things cum (intentional spelling) for those who wait. Ever notice how you cum harder after it's been a long time? It's like that. The wait is gonna be worth it. OH BOY IS IT GONNA!

Humility

. You are not a super stud. You are not a vixen. C'mon! If you were, you wouldn't be here. Most importantly, you are NOT too good for the person you are matched with. Be assured. You are on their same level. If you are better than average looking, then you almost certainly have other traits that are significantly below average or you wouldn't have been matched with this person whom you think isn't good enough for you.

Willingness

. Go along with the program. Follow the planned activities. Why the hell are you here if you're not going to do what we tell you?

Brotherly Love

. Approach your match with a spirit of goodwill. They are a person who is worthy of love and respect and dignity, just as you are, just as all people are. No...seriously!

Integrity

. Follow through on the commitments you have made to the program, to your family if they helped you get here, and on the commitments you make to your match. Be true to yourself too. If you have strongly held principles, don't compromise them just to make yourself seem more compatible with your match. If you find yourself lacking in this department, try to fake it until you make it.

Self-discipline

. Self-restraint. We know this will be the hardest step for those of you who are filthy, disgusting degenerates, but you must refrain from using pornography or from masturbation when alone. These detract from the ability to bond with your match. Both pornography and masturbation are permitted (even encouraged!) when in the company of, and with the consent and cooperation of, your match.

Service.

You are to be the vehicle through which your match can achieve orgasm. You give yourself to them and act in service of their orgasm. In so doing, you earn your own orgasm. And more than that. Through the acts of loving the person you are matched with, you in turn earn the right to be loved. Your service and your love are one and the same. Yeah that last one sounds kinda serious, but goddammit! Life ain't all jokes! This is important!

Below the twelve steps, which were to be printed out and posted on the wall of their offices and in the homes of each program member, they also added this statement:

Follow these twelve simple steps, tap into and achieve these qualities within yourself,

and you are sure to achieve your goal.

When they'd finished drafting this foundational credo for their organization, Hugh printed it out in a big ass font on 11x14 paper and posted it on the wall of his studio apartment.

"Goddam N.C.!" Hugh pronounced admiringly, "That's some profound wisdom shit right there!" The two heartily congratulated themselves. Then they proceeded to celebrate through time-honored tradition. They got drunk.

About three shots and two beers in, N.C. did notice that the steps weren't exactly steps, per se, they were more like commandments, or just a set of general rules. He pointed this out to Hugh.

"Buddy you don't understand marketing!" Hugh said. "Nobody's gonna notice that! We can't call 'em the 12 rules, or 12 commandments or whatever. That gets people thinking all negative. We need them to put the work in. We need them to commit to the program. That's what 12 steps is all about."

Hugh's confidence swayed N.C., at least temporarily.

The next day, after sobering up, perhaps buoyed by their immense self-satisfaction at the brilliance of 12 steps they'd arrived at, Hugh and NC went back to the bar and continued to talk and work to flesh out their plan a little more.

"Hey Hugh! How'd you get to be such an expert on women and matters of the heart?" NC asked at one point.

"You know that old expression, 'do as I say, not as I do?'" Hugh replied. "I'm the poster boy."

"How so?"

"Four ex-wives says so."

"I suppose that is a lot of mileage, especially for a guy who's not all that old."

"True. But to be fair, I did get started early. You remember Jen and I got married when I was only 19, and had a kid the next year. Jen's the one that got me into AA, on account of she's the reason I drank, and also the reason I tried to stop drinking."

"So, about that...should we have group meetings, like they do in AA?"

"Why not? It might be good for people to have a place where they can get together and discuss their progress working through the 12 steps."

"You mean like, 'Hello. My name is Jethro and I'm a 26-year-old virgin and chronic masturbator?'"

"Very funny, N.C., but yeah, something like that."

"Last night you said you had some ideas about marketing?"

"Absolutely. I know I've got the marketing skills to get the word out about this program. I can sell ice to Eskimos, baby!"

N.C. laughed. "Ha! Sometimes I believe you can."

"You see, the familiarity of the 12-step approach will help buy us some credibility. Then the novelty of AI technology applied to the age-old problem of 'how do I get laid,' excuse me, 'how do I find my true love,'" Hugh laughed. "That will also help get attention."

"OK, once we get their attention, once we get them in the door, what happens then? Don't we have to get them to sign up or something?"

"Yeah. People can sign up online."

"What about others signing them up, like concerned parents, siblings, friends? Like mothers who want grandchildren could sign up their kid?"

"That's great, N.C. I love it! First rule of business: don't refuse anyone's money!"

"And why limit it to just online signups? We're going to need to collect a lot of information from them. Why not also do a personal interview so we can learn more?"

"I love it! The personal touch. And maybe we make it so Grandma can pay for a nomination, and then—for a suitable premium of course—they get a full-blown visit from an intake team, all wearing white coats, who, provided the subject is willing, could go to meet the loser, I mean client, at their home."

"Or a neutral public place."

"Or maybe we even open a network of satellite offices, and eventually expand nationwide. Maybe with franchising!" Hugh was thinking big.

They decided the service would be called Sensala. They registered the website sensala.com. Hugh had the concept, N.C. did the research and came up with the name. Sensala was the Italian word for matchmaker. The old-world infused ad campaign possibilities almost wrote themselves. Sun-splashed Tuscan villages, olive groves, darkly beautiful young people, sheltered, but from good families, with solid values, ancient smoldering passions, and a wise and kindly older woman in a shawl, wearing a headscarf, known and trusted by both families.

"Perfect!" Hugh pronounced it, and the decision made, they proceeded to get drunk again.

"Sensala: it's sensational!"

"Sensala: it only makes sense."

"Sensala: indulge

all

your senses."

"I sense a lay!"

Hugh and NC bandied the ideas back and forth. "Genius!" They pronounced. High fives were exchanged. Homosexual panic briefly set in, but quickly passed. They were insufferably pleased with themselves.

"What's up with those two?" The blonde at the bar asked her attractive brunette friend, gesturing toward the table in the corner where Hugh and NC sat, enraptured as they shared their mutual genius.

"Gay, probably."

"Or discussing their latest video game triumph."

The two attractive young single ladies had been sitting at the bar for 40 minutes now. In a high visibility area, thinking perhaps one or both of those two reasonably attractive and approximately appropriately-aged men might come over to chat, or buy them a drink even. But it didn't happen. Hugh and NC were oblivious.

"You wanna get out of here?"

"Might as well. If we leave now we can pick up takeout and be at my place in time for The Bachelor."