The Second bit, more sex, less London slang and the Farmer appears in this bit.
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The Policeman was looking at Uncle Dave and I had the feeling that he did actually feel for the suited and quite attractive man and his injured son, and not the two thugs sat in the back of his police car one of which he'd grabbed by his collar.
"Sorry," Uncle Dave took a breath and dropped his eyes, then looked up at me again "Could you PLEASE go and tell my brother I'm here and ask him if he can take Chris for me until I can get this crap sorted out!"
"Y...yes," I said, knowing that all of this crap was down to Izzy and me, and our own faith in our perfect organisational skills and what we'd caused through our lack of it.
I ran inside; Gwyn was stood with arms folded and talking with some sense of disappointed anger to my brother Mike. Paul was talking to Izzy who was giggling.
"Paul," I stuttered quietly, desperately hoping Gwyn wouldn't hear, "Err, your brother Dave is out front; could you come..."
"Oh he's bloody here at last is he?" hissed Gwyn stepping over, "Just you wait 'til I..." and she stormed off followed by both Paul and I in hot pursuit.
"Gwyn..." called Paul after her as she stormed through the entrance, "honey, slow down, we..."
"Where the bloody hell have you been?" snarled Gwyn, "you've missed..."
"DON'T START!" snapped angry Dave, and I heard him across the lobby. By the time we'd run there he was pointing a finger at his sister in law's face who'd had the wind taken out of her sails for a moment, "I get a snotty phone call with you howling at me because I'm not at a wedding I know nothing about." He snapped, "Don't tell me Gwynnie, every Saturday I'm supposed to drive around all the churches within ten miles of your house, just in case one of your kids is getting married? Or I'm just supposed to guess that I'm supposed to be at a wedding?" He slowed and put his hands on his hips. "obviously, because none of you have your phones switched on, I have to do some major bloody detective work to ring all your work mates on Paula's old phone to find out where the reception I'm supposed to be at is." I found out later that his wife and his sister-in-law worked together, "Next I have to get Chrissie from swimming - upset number one; I bring him home and find him something smart to wear - upset number two! Then once I get here I find that not only did I not know about the wedding, once I've driven sixty bloody miles across country, upset number three - I'm kept standing at the door for an hour by the brains trust there," he pointed to Carl getting into the second police car picking his nose, "because, and I quote, 'my fucking name ain't on the fuckin' list so I ain't fuckin' comin' in."
He raised his drooping shoulders for his final attack, "The final rabid, angry shark in the children's splash pool is my Chrissie hasn't eaten since breakfast and can smell food and see not only the buffet being carried through on trays AND the machine there in the foyer with all the chocolate bars, but that fu... that YOB gets in his face and scares the shit out of him. Then when Chrissie sees Julia and Will passing by over there he takes a step forward and that fucking savage screams in his face, jabs his finger in his chest then pushes him down the stairs cutting his head on the concrete in the process, and then laughs because he's made him cry!" The place was silent, and you could have cut the air with a knife.
Gwyn's bottom lip flapped.
"So go on Gwynnie, tell me what you're cross about, really, go on, please, do tell me what a shitty day you've had!" she looked at her husband and then the boy now being looked at by the paramedics, "seems you can scream down the phone at me and then cut me off, but you can't turn the bastard back on again so I can find out what's going on and where I need to be or get one of you to come out and stand up for me!"
Like me they had turned off their phones during the service and with all the excitement had just forgotten to turn them back on. The first policeman was back now and watching Uncle Dave's outburst and just folded his arms and raised an eyebrow.
Christopher had started to cry again, probably as much about his cross Dad as the cleaning wipes on the back of his head.
"Alright mate," said Dave, calming down, "Uncle Paulie will look after you until I get back from the police station." He turned to his sister-in-law, and then me, "That alright is it? Or does having the big kid not in a posh morning suit at the top secret wedding reception spoil everything?!"
Gwyn looked on the verge of tears as was I.
"But..." she looked at Paul then at me.
"Amy will be heading here as soon as her shift finishes at six, just watch Chrissie 'til she arrives or the police have done with me. If someone can get her from the railway station I'll be obliged to them. She can drive him home in my car."
"Police?" said Paul in surprise.
"Yeah, a bit of an altercation with your bodyguards mate."
"Bodyguards?" Paul said and turned to me.
"I think I can explain..." I said.
Angry Uncle Dave, Brian and Carl were all taken off to the nearest police station that was at least twenty miles away from this quaint country outcrop.
We sat in my room sipping tea, with Gwyn looking stunned and I fussed with a handkerchief I'd brought for much happier tears than these.
"...We must have missed them off of the list Gwyn, I'm so sorry." I wept. "I didn't leave them off of the list on purpose, honestly; it was a real mistake, you have to believe me."
"OK," said Paul with a hand on my shoulder, "I know that you and Izzy wouldn't have done that on purpose. You had a lot on your plate, the both of you. It was a mistake." Paul said genuinely, "Dave will be alright, you wait."
"I didn't know that Les was getting his mates on the door, I think he only did it as a way of getting both of them to the party, because Izzy and Ed hadn't invited them and Les wanted them here." I growled. "You wait 'til I get my hands on that bloody Idiot!"
Christopher sat on the bed and was working his way through a large plate of food the restaurant had cooked for him specially, and he looked temporarily upset by my distress.
"Alright mate," said Paul, "Auntie Sam is just a bit upset, don't worry.
"I'm OK Uncle Paulie," said Christopher with his really cute smile, and ate the last of his chips. He looked up to Paul with real sincerity, "can we go home in a minute?" he said, nodding and favouring his uncle with a large grin.
"Not for a bit mate," Paul smiled, "Dad'll be back soon Chrissie."
"OK," said Chrissie.
"Who's gone for Amy," said Gwyn wiping her face, and not looking at me.
"Julia's gone for her," said Paul, "her train gets in about now." Julia was Ed's older sister and one of the bridesmaids.
"Amy isn't going to be happy," said Gwyn looking at Paul, "Since her Mum died she watches over Chrissie like a hawk, and Dave for that matter," I closed my eyes - Oh shit, a lately departed wife and mother - could this seriously get any worse? Gwyn looked across at me, "I'd hate to be your Les's friends if Amy gets hold of them."
That hit stung,
"He's not 'my Les' Gwyn, and I had no idea he was going to smuggle his Idiot mates in like that." I mopped my cheeks again, "Amy can do what she likes to them for all I care, and then do the same to Les. I'll hold her jacket for her."
The ambulance crew had checked over Christopher and pronounced him a bit scratched up but generally fine and being allowed to calm down followed by a good night's sleep would see him right as rain by the next day. The hotel management realised they had a bit of a PR blip and probably should have checked the bona fide of the two scrotes on the door over and above their white shirts, black ties and black trousers, and the fact that a lovely eleven-year-old gentle giant like Christopher had been assaulted and injured at their impeccable premises was not something they wanted on Trip Advisor.
They had cleaned his suit and trousers and started to feed him his favourite foods - giant burger and chips.
