The Idiot the Farmer and Me

The Second bit, more sex, less London slang and the Farmer appears in this bit.

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The Policeman was looking at Uncle Dave and I had the feeling that he did actually feel for the suited and quite attractive man and his injured son, and not the two thugs sat in the back of his police car one of which he'd grabbed by his collar.

"Sorry," Uncle Dave took a breath and dropped his eyes, then looked up at me again "Could you PLEASE go and tell my brother I'm here and ask him if he can take Chris for me until I can get this crap sorted out!"

"Y...yes," I said, knowing that all of this crap was down to Izzy and me, and our own faith in our perfect organisational skills and what we'd caused through our lack of it.

I ran inside; Gwyn was stood with arms folded and talking with some sense of disappointed anger to my brother Mike. Paul was talking to Izzy who was giggling.

"Paul," I stuttered quietly, desperately hoping Gwyn wouldn't hear, "Err, your brother Dave is out front; could you come..."

"Oh he's bloody here at last is he?" hissed Gwyn stepping over, "Just you wait 'til I..." and she stormed off followed by both Paul and I in hot pursuit.

"Gwyn..." called Paul after her as she stormed through the entrance, "honey, slow down, we..."

"Where the bloody hell have you been?" snarled Gwyn, "you've missed..."

"DON'T START!" snapped angry Dave, and I heard him across the lobby. By the time we'd run there he was pointing a finger at his sister in law's face who'd had the wind taken out of her sails for a moment, "I get a snotty phone call with you howling at me because I'm not at a wedding I know nothing about." He snapped, "Don't tell me Gwynnie, every Saturday I'm supposed to drive around all the churches within ten miles of your house, just in case one of your kids is getting married? Or I'm just supposed to guess that I'm supposed to be at a wedding?" He slowed and put his hands on his hips. "obviously, because none of you have your phones switched on, I have to do some major bloody detective work to ring all your work mates on Paula's old phone to find out where the reception I'm supposed to be at is." I found out later that his wife and his sister-in-law worked together, "Next I have to get Chrissie from swimming - upset number one; I bring him home and find him something smart to wear - upset number two! Then once I get here I find that not only did I not know about the wedding, once I've driven sixty bloody miles across country, upset number three - I'm kept standing at the door for an hour by the brains trust there," he pointed to Carl getting into the second police car picking his nose, "because, and I quote, 'my fucking name ain't on the fuckin' list so I ain't fuckin' comin' in."

He raised his drooping shoulders for his final attack, "The final rabid, angry shark in the children's splash pool is my Chrissie hasn't eaten since breakfast and can smell food and see not only the buffet being carried through on trays AND the machine there in the foyer with all the chocolate bars, but that fu... that YOB gets in his face and scares the shit out of him. Then when Chrissie sees Julia and Will passing by over there he takes a step forward and that fucking savage screams in his face, jabs his finger in his chest then pushes him down the stairs cutting his head on the concrete in the process, and then laughs because he's made him cry!" The place was silent, and you could have cut the air with a knife.

Gwyn's bottom lip flapped.

"So go on Gwynnie, tell me what you're cross about, really, go on, please, do tell me what a shitty day you've had!" she looked at her husband and then the boy now being looked at by the paramedics, "seems you can scream down the phone at me and then cut me off, but you can't turn the bastard back on again so I can find out what's going on and where I need to be or get one of you to come out and stand up for me!"

Like me they had turned off their phones during the service and with all the excitement had just forgotten to turn them back on. The first policeman was back now and watching Uncle Dave's outburst and just folded his arms and raised an eyebrow.

Christopher had started to cry again, probably as much about his cross Dad as the cleaning wipes on the back of his head.

"Alright mate," said Dave, calming down, "Uncle Paulie will look after you until I get back from the police station." He turned to his sister-in-law, and then me, "That alright is it? Or does having the big kid not in a posh morning suit at the top secret wedding reception spoil everything?!"

Gwyn looked on the verge of tears as was I.

"But..." she looked at Paul then at me.

"Amy will be heading here as soon as her shift finishes at six, just watch Chrissie 'til she arrives or the police have done with me. If someone can get her from the railway station I'll be obliged to them. She can drive him home in my car."

"Police?" said Paul in surprise.

"Yeah, a bit of an altercation with your bodyguards mate."

"Bodyguards?" Paul said and turned to me.

"I think I can explain..." I said.

Angry Uncle Dave, Brian and Carl were all taken off to the nearest police station that was at least twenty miles away from this quaint country outcrop.

We sat in my room sipping tea, with Gwyn looking stunned and I fussed with a handkerchief I'd brought for much happier tears than these.

"...We must have missed them off of the list Gwyn, I'm so sorry." I wept. "I didn't leave them off of the list on purpose, honestly; it was a real mistake, you have to believe me."

"OK," said Paul with a hand on my shoulder, "I know that you and Izzy wouldn't have done that on purpose. You had a lot on your plate, the both of you. It was a mistake." Paul said genuinely, "Dave will be alright, you wait."

"I didn't know that Les was getting his mates on the door, I think he only did it as a way of getting both of them to the party, because Izzy and Ed hadn't invited them and Les wanted them here." I growled. "You wait 'til I get my hands on that bloody Idiot!"

Christopher sat on the bed and was working his way through a large plate of food the restaurant had cooked for him specially, and he looked temporarily upset by my distress.

"Alright mate," said Paul, "Auntie Sam is just a bit upset, don't worry.

"I'm OK Uncle Paulie," said Christopher with his really cute smile, and ate the last of his chips. He looked up to Paul with real sincerity, "can we go home in a minute?" he said, nodding and favouring his uncle with a large grin.

"Not for a bit mate," Paul smiled, "Dad'll be back soon Chrissie."

"OK," said Chrissie.

"Who's gone for Amy," said Gwyn wiping her face, and not looking at me.

"Julia's gone for her," said Paul, "her train gets in about now." Julia was Ed's older sister and one of the bridesmaids.

"Amy isn't going to be happy," said Gwyn looking at Paul, "Since her Mum died she watches over Chrissie like a hawk, and Dave for that matter," I closed my eyes - Oh shit, a lately departed wife and mother - could this seriously get any worse? Gwyn looked across at me, "I'd hate to be your Les's friends if Amy gets hold of them."

That hit stung,

"He's not 'my Les' Gwyn, and I had no idea he was going to smuggle his Idiot mates in like that." I mopped my cheeks again, "Amy can do what she likes to them for all I care, and then do the same to Les. I'll hold her jacket for her."

The ambulance crew had checked over Christopher and pronounced him a bit scratched up but generally fine and being allowed to calm down followed by a good night's sleep would see him right as rain by the next day. The hotel management realised they had a bit of a PR blip and probably should have checked the bona fide of the two scrotes on the door over and above their white shirts, black ties and black trousers, and the fact that a lovely eleven-year-old gentle giant like Christopher had been assaulted and injured at their impeccable premises was not something they wanted on Trip Advisor.

They had cleaned his suit and trousers and started to feed him his favourite foods - giant burger and chips.

By the time Christopher had finished his huge meal Julia, still in her bridesmaid dress, had returned with her cousin who looked the spitting image of her.

"Chrissie!" purred Amy, and bent down to check him over, looking closely at the back of his head where the paramedic had wiped away the blood from his light brown hair that she gently stroked now. As Amy ducked down I could see she was wearing bright red scrubs under her light jacket, obviously a nurse.

"Amy!" said Christopher with some obvious pleasure, "I bashed my head..." She grinned at him and shook her head, kissing his cheek.

"Any word from Dad?" she said.

"Not yet honey," said Gwyn, sounding like she knew she wasn't totally free from blame for this day's events.

"I'll take Chrissie to the police station and we can wait there for him."

"No way!" said Julia slipping an arm through her cousin's.

I looked at this lovely family and just imagined the grief I'd caused.

"I'm really sorry," I tried to say, "I never meant any of it..."

"Amy, this is Sam - Izzy's mum," said Julia brightly.

"I've heard so much about you!" said Amy with a big smile, and took the words from my mouth by kissing my cheek and giving me a hug. It was too much.

My breakdown was so complete that Gwyn came across to me and put her arms around me as well,

"It's OK Sam," she said, "come on, let's get you changed and go and join in the party, all the evening guests are arriving look." She said. I shook my head, the last thing I wanted to do was to try and explain all of this shit to the bride and groom on their special day. "Come on," said Gwyn, "we have to go down for Izzy and Ed," Gwyn said to me firmly, "don't we!"

"Yeah," I said taking a deep breath. "I won't get changed, I'll stick with..."

"Yes you bloody will!" laughed Gwyn, "I have another outfit I want to wear, and I can't get changed if you don't get changed!"

Everyone left my room and I was on my own for the first time that day and I felt dreadful. I had a shower and redid my make up and put on my cocktail dress.

By the time I got back downstairs, the evening guests were starting to arrive, and Izzy was still in her wedding dress having promised to leave it on so people could see it. She asked me if everything was OK and I smiled and nodded and said that Dad had brought Brian and his twat son from London to 'do the door' but they had been sent on their way via the local police station probably being charged with something as we spoke.

She growled and made fists showing off her lovely white gold wedding ring,

"Mum, so help me I'm going to fucking kill him... I KNEW we should have..." Ed gave her a big hug and she closed her eyes calmed down and we left it at that.

Drama; why could my family never be shot of it.

I walked to the bar and ordered a white wine, looking around the room and seeing Les the Idiot Ex circulating and giving it 1000 watts of cheeky, cheery cockney wide boy to anyone that would listen.

"Heurgh the draw with a puggly frit-natteraaaarghhahahahaha!" he prattled away in an unintelligible Cockney drawl and I could see people starting to move away from him, which made him try harder.

The more he drank the more ridiculous he looked and became, and all of these nice people just stared. Whether he was feeling unloved or insecure, he gave it more - I thought that at any moment he was going to either start a fight, start singing 'Roll out the barrel' or 'Knocked 'em in the Old Kent Road'.

So by seven thirty between myself, Son Ray and his brother-in-law Dave we were able to get him to his room 'for a lie down for half hour' so he could come back to the party refreshed and 'really go for it'. He insisted he was still fresh as a daisy and another brandy would set him up fair and...

Snore.

Ray rolled him into the recovery position, pulled off his shoes and we didn't see him until eleven the next morning.

I'd danced with Ed, I danced with Ray, I danced with brother Mike then Paul and pretty soon I was starting to feel better about myself. The several glasses of wine I'd gotten through helped as well.

Just before eight thirty I saw Uncle Dave now released without charge, and knew I'd have to go to him and apologise for the grief he had as a result of Izzy and us missing him of the list, then the Idiot Ex's mates stopping him coming in and getting him arrested.

I stepped outside for a breath of fresh air to see Christopher and his Dad sat on a garden bench. I approached.

"Err... Dave?"

"Yes..." he said looking up and through the lights of the hotel, "Sam; look," he stood up, "I'm really sorry I had a go at you today, totally uncalled for. I'm afraid I was a victim of circumstance."

"And my appalling memory and Izzy's self-confidence," I took a deep breath and explained that we had two Dave's, a Chris and a Kris and an Ann and an Amy. "I'm not taking any responsibility for those twats the Idiot Ex brought along."

"Fair play," he grinned.

"Is Chrissie alright?"

"He'll mend," said Dave, "the kitchen staff have all fallen in love with him and keep bringing him baskets of chips with ketchup, I expect he's forgotten all about it already." He grinned at his son, the only person eating chips in this high-class eating establishment, who grinned back at him.

"Is Amy OK?" I said, "I thought she was going to operate on me without anaesthetic when she first arrived. Has she gone home?"

"No, she's in there dancing with Izzy, Julia and all of her mates. I brought a couple of her dresses and make-up bag along and she got showered and changed in Julia's room, they're like best mates when they get going and I expect by the end of the evening Izzy will be as well." He picked up a glass of Coke and sipped from it. "the curse of living down south I don't get to see the family as often as I like. Hence not knowing about the wedding and not knowing I'd been missed off of the list, none of us do Facebook either. The final nail was that Julia is just back from travelling so never had time to catch up with Amy and find out about weddings and dresses and missing hen-nights and all that kind of thing. Julia said she saw the table plan with Dave, Kris and Ann and figured it was a spelling mistake!"

"Sorry," I said.

Never mind," he grinned, "All's well that ends well."

"Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.

"No, but thanks anyway," he said, "I have to drive home tonight as there are 'no rooms at the Inn' so to speak."

"I'm so sorry," I put my hand to my mouth, "I've caused you so much bother!"

He giggled,

"Look Sam, don't worry seriously. It came as a bit of a shock at first then an annoyance then a major pain in the arse but now I've met you, I realise it was a cock-up, plain and simple. As William Shakespeare once said, 'Shit happens, deal with it and get on with life', damn good advice if you ask me."

"Did Shakespeare say that?" I said sitting on the chair next to his and sipping my umpteenth glass of wine.

"Must have done," replied Dave, "stands to reason," he sipped his Coke, "that or Winston Churchill said it, one or the other."

"I'll take your word for it," I said, "you're a school teacher."

"College lecturer Sam, please - what do you do?" he asked forgetting our banter for a moment.

"I run nursery schools with my sister Denise, that's her with the sprayed-on red dress."

"That's still a teacher Sam," he said with a grin.

"Not like your teaching it isn't." I said.

"Do you get visits from Ofsted or the Care Quality Commission?"

"Ofsted," I said, "we got 'Outstanding' last time."

"My College? WE got 'Good' last year!" he said. I giggled; his smile was infectious, and he was very charming. "There, I reckon that makes you a teacher."

"I bet you have a degree don't you?" I said.

"Yes, don't let that fool you though," he grinned, "all of my colleagues are graduates are some of them are bloody Idiots." He tilted his head to one side and raised an eyebrow, fuck but he was attractive!

He looked a lot like his brother Paul but was broader across the shoulders, with dark hair with hints of grey at the temples, and deep blue eyes I could happily drift into...

Amy and Julia appeared, both holding bottles of beer and beaming. Without knowing them, any other onlooker would have taken them for sisters and they chatted about how nice it was to get out of the bar and cool down in the night air.

"Hey Darling," said Dave.

"Daddy!" said Amy, and walked across to her father, just the tiniest bit tipsy and sat on his lap. He gave her a big hug and she put her arms around his neck. Not something the Idiot Ex had done with Izzy after her sixth birthday.

"Baby brother!" she squeaked at him and blew him a kiss. Chrissie grinned and pursed his lips and it was really cute. "Julia has said I can sleep over in her room, so you and Chrissie can come and go as you please Daddy." I guessed this meant that if they wanted to go home they could.

"I didn't pack you any day clothes Honey," he said looking apologetic.

"My scrubs will do, Jules is driving me home tomorrow."

"After we've sobered up and swum in the pool!" giggled Julia, looking just as hot and sexy as her cousin, both in strappy blue short dresses glued to their perfect figures. As Julia turned the lights caught the thousands of sparkly bits in her dress and she glowed.

Izzy appeared next with Ed escaping the heat of the dance floor, as pretty and ravishing as her new relatives but with more curves!

"Hey Dave!" said Ed, he looked at Izzy, "Sorry about the mix up!"

"Sorry Dave!" Izzy dropped her eyes, then trotted as fast as her dress and heels would allow and hugged him. "I'm soooooo sorry!" Knowing my daughter so well I knew that with the booze she had undoubtedly consumed throughout the day she would be close to the weepy stage and I wasn't having my baby girl crying on her big day.

"It's alright Izzy," I said, "I've already made the apologies, it was a joint cock-up don't forget!"

"Don't you worry Darling," said Dave.

As if knowing a rescue was needed, Chrissie stood up brushed his shirt and trousers down, picked up his empty glass and walked towards his big sister sat on Dave's lap. He cleared his throat.

"Can I have some more Coke?" he said, presenting his glass and as if this was a major decision.

"Coke Darling?" said Julia with a smile, "of course you can!"

"Yes," said Chrissie with a huge grin, and Julia held out a hand.

"Let's go!" and off they went.

"Aww it's a shame that Dave and Chrissie have to go home tonight," said Izzy now hugging her husband, "are ALL the rooms taken for sure?"

I knew they were; all taken, no cancellations and a waiting list of two other couples should one become available at the last minute.

"Don't worry Izzy," said Dave, "I think my boy is probably ready to go home anyway, besides which we haven't got anything to wear for tomorrow morning either!"

I remembered something,

"Before you go Dave, don't let me forget that Chrissie's jacket is in my room upstairs."

"OK," he said, "I was wondering."

The music inside the hall changed slightly and it was a selection of Abba songs;

"Abba!" squealed Izzy.

She had held onto a love of the group since playing a part in a school production of 'Mamma Mia' and she grabbed Ed and reached for Amy's hand and they all ran back into the sweltering room as the guests all sang 'take a chance on me'.

I looked back over my shoulder with an indulgent grin and saw that Julia had both of Chrissie's hands and was attempting to get him to dance in time with the music. They were quickly joined by Amy, Izzy and Ed, and the young man's look of distraction was gone for the time being and there was a big ring of hand-holding cousins and cousins-in-law bopping to 'Waterloo' with a smiling if slightly nervous Chrissie with his sister and cousin both smiling and talking to him.