The Hotel Guest And His Pet

I tend bar in an establishment downtown, it's not my favorite way of spending time but what can I say it's a job. One night I'm there by myself, when this young man enters and orders my best scotch, then he asks me to make it a double. Now we charge forty-five bucks for a double shot of thirty-five year old scotch and this kid don't look well off enough to be able to pay for drinks like that. Just as I'm starting to wonder if he's gonna be a splash and dash he puts a C-note on the bar. This eases my mind somewhat and I place his double down in front of him with a smile on my face. He downs it in about two seconds and asks for another, as I'm poring, I see him pounding his head on the bar. He keeps repeating,

"I hate my job, I hate my job."

"Hey buddy it can't be that bad if you can afford to drink thirty-five year old scotch like it's water. I can't afford this stuff and I work here."

He pulls another hundred from his pocket, orders another round, and offers me one as well. I pour us each a Hefty one and as we clink glasses I ask him about his job.

"I'm a bellhop at the Royal up the street and the only money I earn worth anything is from tips."

Just to remind him, I tell him I in the same boat, that way maybe he'll leave me a nice tip as well.

"The Royal is known by its elegance but that doesn't mean the clientele are that way. You wouldn't believe the things I've done, just for the hope of a big tip."

"Believe me I understand but you have to know that's how it is in the service industry..."

"Yeah, yeah but sometimes they just go too far. Let me tell you about what I had to do tonight, maybe it will help to get it off my chest. This guy checks in early, I don't know him but I know he has to be richer than god because he has a dog with him. The Hotel Royal does not allow pets of any kind but I have seen celebrities allowed to keep those little dogs they seem to always be carrying around."

"Sure I've even seen them in here; they're like a fashion statement or something."

"Yeah that's what I mean but this guy don't have a little doggie he has a Great Dane and the damn thing is bigger than my car."

"So you're upset that he has a big dog."

"No, why would I care if he's got a dog, that's housekeeping's problem not mine. The dog is cool; he just climbed up on the bed and went to sleep while I put away this guy's luggage. When I was all done and I'm just stalling, waiting for my tip, then he puts some money in my hand. He asks if I can do him a favor and doing favors is where I make my big money so I tell him sure."

I pour us another, this one's on me, well at least on my boss.

"So go on, are you gonna tell me what this guy wanted?"

"Sure, the guy gets real close so he don't have to speak too loud. He tells me he's looking for a woman. I gave him a shocked look but believe me we have to do this all the time and I just told him maybe I could help him."

This is just like my line of work and it pays to know a couple of hookers who are easy to locate.

"So I'm running through my mental list of ladies of the evening that I can depend on when he puts his hand on my shoulder.

'I don't just want any woman I want a special kind of woman,' he says.

I tell him that specialties cost extra but I would try if he'd just tell me what he looking for. Then he tells me he wants a woman who is at least six foot tall but at the same time weighs less than one hundred pounds."

At this, I stop him and ask him what kind of a freak is this guy. He shakes his head and says I haven't heard anything yet.

"After I tell the guest I don't know of any girls matching his description, he reaches in his pocket and hands me five hundred dollars, then tells me if I can find what he's looking for there is another five hundred in it for me. For a thousand dollars I tell myself I at least have to try, so I get out my cell and start dialing all the numbers I have for people in the biz."

At this point he buys both of us another round and by now I find that I could really start to like drinking thirty-five year old scotch. We both take a long pull and then he goes on with his story,

"Well it takes me a couple of hours but believe it or not I find a girl that matches the description he is looking for. I get the girl and I see she is about six foot one and she don't weigh a hundred pounds soaking wet. Together we knock on his door and when he opens it I introduce Lola but he don't even hear me because he is looking her up and down. I'm waiting for my money but he's not for sure that he's satisfied yet and he tells Lola to take off her clothes. Now I don't think he even knows I'm still there, and he looks her up and down as he has her turn around. Next he tells her to get down on her hands and knees, and then he looks over to his dog..."

"Stop right there I don't think I want to hear the rest of this story."

"No listen, now comes the weirdest part, he looks his dog right in the eye and says, 'You see Archie, this is what you're going to look like if you don't eat your Gravy Train.' Then he paid us both and told us to leave."