The Biggest Thing Ever

Have you ever noticed that certain stories—especially ones written by men—seem to have a bizarre obsession with giving extremely large, exact measurements of certain body parts? Sometimes they go so overboard with the measurements that it seems as though the authors find the numbers more arousing than the body parts themselves.

*****

Jasper Hubert Humphrey Flogart III had an unbelievably huge dick and he sure as heck knew it. He never stopped boasting about how big it was to anyone who would listen. He could talk about how big his dick was all day and never get tired.

Now, based on this information, you might incorrectly surmise that Jasper had sex with all sorts of women all the time, but, in reality, he only rarely ever had sex at all. You see, he had

extremely

selective taste in women and he absolutely refused to have sexual relations with any woman who did not meet his very strict standards.

Jasper would only ever have sex with women who had truly exceptionally large breasts and buttocks. He was what I suppose you could call a "size king." He believed that his dick was God's gift to women, but that only those few women who were as well-endowed as he was were worthy to enjoy it.

Whenever Jasper met up with a women, he'd always ask her for her exact body measurements and, if they weren't big enough, he'd walk away without another word or even a second thought. He didn't care about her personality, her talents, or even her overall appearance; all he cared about were her measurements.

To give you an idea of just how picky Jasper was, one time, his friend Carl set him up with a blind date at a restaurant with a woman named Patricia. Carl had met her at work and been quite impressed by the size of her breasts and buttocks. He had decided that they were undoubtedly big enough to make Jasper happy, so he set them up with a date.

As usual, Jasper showed up at the restaurant five minutes late. (He never saw any importance in being punctual.) Patricia was already sitting at the table, waiting for him. Anyone other than Jasper could have easily seen that she was drop-dead gorgeous. Her face was absolutely heavenly—like the face of an angel—and her black hair fell in impeccable flowing locks. Most men would have regarded her as a goddess.

Jasper sat down across from her at the table.

"You're Patricia, right?" he asked.

"Yeah," she replied. She seemed less than enthusiastic about Jasper's appearance. He couldn't imagine why. Sure, his nose was crooked, he had a huge bald spot, his eyes were perpetually bloodshot, his beard was scraggly, and most of his teeth were missing, but he had a huge dick and he

knew

that was all that really mattered.

Jasper glared at her breasts. They were quite impressive by any normal standard, but they seemed way too small for his taste.

"What are your measurements?" he asked.

"Carl told me you'd ask me that, so I made sure I knew them before I came here: 36D-22-36," she told him.

He scowled.

"Your breasts and your hips are way too small," he told her. With that, he got up from his seat and left the restaurant, leaving her sitting there at the table, all alone. She wasn't even worth his time.

***

Jasper's friends told him all the time that he was a complete asshole. Nonetheless, they continued to associate with him because they were all secretly fascinated by his big cock. Jasper loved showing off his dick, so he always wore super-tight pants. It gave Jasper a deep sense of satisfaction knowing that everyone he met could see the huge lump in his pants between his legs.

Jasper always heard people at his workplace whispering about his penis. He knew that they all desperately wanted to see it out of his pants. Sometimes, if he thought he heard someone talking about it, he'd simply whip it out right then and there and show it to them, even if it was in the middle of the day at work. They were always utterly amazed by it. One time, he showed it to a woman and she was so impressed that she ran away screaming and reported him to HR for sexual harassment.

Jasper never had much luck with women. He noticed that even the few women who met his very high standards seemed to find him creepy. He assumed they were really just intimidated by his huge cock.

Then, one day, Jasper met his perfect match: a woman named Bertha who had tits and an ass that were more than big enough for him and who was equally obsessed with size as he was.

They met one day at an amusement park. He was walking around, showing off his huge dick through his pants to everyone walking by. Then he saw her. More specifically, he saw how her unimaginably huge breasts and buttocks were literally bursting out of her clothes. He immediately knew she was perfect.

He ran up to her and asked, "How big are your tits?"

"They're a 178ZZZ," she replied, gesturing towards them.

"Oh, fuck yes," he murmured, staring at them intently. He just couldn't get enough of them. They were so huge!!

He looked up from her breasts just long enough to notice that she was staring at his crotch. He had an enormous lump in his pants that went all the way down his pants leg. He knew she could tell it was his cock.

"I can tell through your pants that your dick is huge, but how big is it when it's erect?" she asked.

"It's absolutely enormous—more than seven feet long and ten inches in circumference; all the women I've ever had sex with have told me it's the biggest thing they've ever seen in all their lives," he proclaimed.

He could see the hunger in her eyes. He knew she wanted to see his dick. The only reason why he didn't whip it out right there in the middle of the park was because he remembered all the times he'd gotten in trouble at work for showing people his penis.

"Well, that's good," she said. "I would never even consider having sex with a man who had a dick that was less than five feet long and eight inches in circumference."

Finally, a woman who understood him!

"I completely understand," he replied. "After all,

I

would certainly never even consider having sex with a woman who had tits that were anything less than seventeen gallons in volume or an ass that was anything less than six feet around."

"We're perfect for each other," she said. "Let's fuck. You can come back with me to my place."

She led him out to the parking lot. He got in his car and she got in hers. (They weren't far from each other.) Then he followed her in her car all the way back to her apartment.

When they got there, the sun was going down. Jasper was excited to spend the whole night with Bertha. He couldn't stop fantasizing about how big her tits were, and her ass. He didn't care that her face was covered in pimples or that she smelled like a warthog; after all, he had tons of pimples himself and he smelled

much

worse than she did. All he cared about was size.

As soon as they got inside her apartment, he pulled down his pants to reveal his humongous cock, which was already growing hard.

"Oh my God!!" she shrieked. "That's the biggest thing I've ever seen in my whole life! I can't imagine anything bigger than your cock! I must measure it!"

She ran and got a tape measure. First, she wrapped the measuring tape around his shaft, measuring its girth.

"I can't believe it!" she said in shock. "It's eleven and a half inches in circumference! Now I must measure how long it is. She held the tape measure along the length of his shaft.

"Oh my God!!" she exclaimed again. "It's eight and a half feet in length! I don't know how this thing will fit in me!"

"I'm not going to put it in you yet," he insisted. "First, I need to measure your tits and your ass to make sure they're really as big as you say they are. They look pretty big, but I have

very

strict standards. A woman with breasts that are less than seventeen gallons isn't even worth my time."

He helped her take off her clothes. Then he took the tape measure and used it to measure her breasts.

"Oh, fuck yes," he murmured, "Each one is six feet around and four feet deep. They're more than big enough."

"But is my pussy tight enough? We have to be sure that it'll be a nice fit when you put your dick in me."

"Well, I'd better measure the size of your pussy so we'll know how tight it'll be," he replied.

He brought the measuring tape to her vulva and measured the diameter of her vaginal opening from the top to the bottom.

"Good heavens! It is only half an inch!" he exclaimed. "I must see how deep it is!" She ran and got a measuring rod so he could measure how deep her pussy was. He inserted the measuring rod into her cavity and found, to his great astonishment, that it was only one inch deep.

"Only one inch!" he exclaimed. "I can't believe how tight it will be around my cock! I can't wait to put it in!"

"Oh, but you must wait," she said, "since I need to measure the size of your balls first. I need to be absolutely sure they're big enough."

She took the measuring tape and wrapped it around his left ball.

"Dear God!" she exclaimed. "I don't believe it! It's twelve inches in circumference! I can't wait to feel these huge stones slapping against my enormous ass as we fuck, but, first, I must measure the other."

She measured his right ball.

"Oh my God! It's even bigger than the other one! It's no less than 12.6 inches in circumference! Oh God, I love your cock and your balls! They're so big! I can't wait to have your cock inside of me, but I must wait, because I need to measure the distance from the tip of your cock to your asshole first."

She measured every single part of his body in every which way. She measured the length and girth of every one of his fingers and toes and every one of his arms and legs, the distance from his chin to the tip of his cock, the distance from his eyes to his mouth, and so on.

She measured absolutely

everything

, including the length and width of every single hair on his head, and the length, width, and height of every single tooth in his mouth. (He only had three teeth and they were all very yellow, but she didn't care about that, because all she cared about was size.)

Then, when she was all done, he did all the same measurements on her, but he went even further; he also measured her heartrate, her body temperature, her blood pressure, her BMI, and her vocal range, and he performed calculations to determine the average and median lengths of all her digits and the average and median lengths of all the hairs on her body.

While he was working on these calculations, he noticed that the sun was rising outside. They had been measuring each other's bodies all night long! All the same, he just couldn't stop doing it. It was the most thoroughly arousing experience he had ever had in his whole life. The numbers made his cock harder than he'd ever known it. He loved those numbers so greatly!

Jasper even counted the number of grains of dirt under Bertha's fingernails. (And this was quite an achievement, since her fingernails were very dirty. She hadn't washed her hands in months!)

Suddenly, Bertha made an exclamation of surprise.

"Oh no! Look at the time!" she said. "We've spent so much time measuring each other that now I have to go to work and we don't have time to have sex."

"That's ok, darling. This experience was even better than sex," he told her.

"We'll get together to measure each other some more next weekend," she told him.

"That sounds perfect," he agreed.