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Celebrating Posting
the One Millionth Story
to Literotica!
Whoreray and Hoesannahs!!
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Humor & Satire
funny parody, I swear!
mildly amusing cantankery??
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Author's Note to Literotica Staff
Now don't say I don't love you guys
but sometimes,
just sometimes...
you are a pain in the whoohah!
Just once in a while.
Ah, jeez!
I made you cry...
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My apologies that no corporate interests
were harmed in writing this farce.
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During a celebration of posting the One Millionth Porn Story to Literotica, the paid staff throw themselves a pot-luck luncheon.
Quickly afterwards vomiting up the oh, so delicious food they had all been gluttonously consuming. What immediately followed, brought a whole new level of meaning to the term 'blowout'!
This event would have caused many a fond remembrance for any Ancient Roman gourmand.
As digestive systems went into explosive overdrive, there was an en-mass stampede to this office building's single, still working toilet.
Six floors up.
The building management firm has been promising to get the rest of the building's toiletries fixed. Just as soon as they finish negotiating the next raise in rent.
The resulting laundry bills and bio-hazard clean-up of the elevator and shaft, the stairwells and all the closets would bankrupt the liability insurer for Literotica Ink.
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Homemade scrumptious resulted in the collective hospitalization of all the Literotica paid staff. Medical tests determined they were suffering a multitude of food-borne pathogens.
CDC testing of the luncheon spread revealed: Ptomaine 'tater salad
with an assortment of handmade sandwiches;
Canadian Listeria unpasteurisized "say cheese!" Kamikrazie Salmonellashellac tuna-fishysmelling.
Kosh-Her Trickynosis de-cured ham-it-up.
Free-Range Bootulism be-deviled-eggstential salad.
And homegrown EColiformed sliced toemahtoes.
*************
An intense Police investigation came to the conclusion of a mass conspiracy by family members of the stricken!
Interviews established that the spouses and/or significant others were all sick & tired of the Literotica employees bringing home weird fetishes and comped sex-toys to experiment with upon their long-suffering adult relations of whatever sexual disorientations. Is this what is meant by 'adulterated'?
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Virgin Nun, Sister Constipated of the Order of Sexually Repressed Self-Flagellation, accidentally winds up as the emergency directing editor of the Literotica Site.
Sister Constipated is the youngest sister of the Literotica Senior Editor. She became curious about her older brother's (no, not Brother!) mysterious job as none of their family would discuss his career in her presence.
The young sister Sister arrived late for lunch at the Literotica skyscraper. In order to surprise her older brother Senior as she was determined to find out what all the damn mystery is about his profession.
Only to find him having his stomach pumped. As her brother was about to be gurneyed away by the paramedics. In his delirium, he begged his sister, Sister Constipation, to take over as Emergency Senior Editor. Making her swear on her Blessed Nunchakus to run the site until he gets out of the hospital.
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,The Emergency Ephemeral - Environmental Epidemic - Excipientory Exactoration teams were surprised to discover one person uneffected by this incidenttal mass food poisoning.
It is student intern Prudezilla Puritan, The only experienced staff member not showing any gastrnomic problems. Which was very strange considering how Prudezilla had gorged herself on the delicious repast.
It turns out that Prudezilla is interning for the summer, at the instigation of her Cousin [redacted]. a long-time admin at Literotica.
Who had maliciously arranged the job for her hated cousin. In spiteful retaliation for Prudezilla's chronically pain-in-the-ass sanctimoniously superior, holier-than-thou attitude towards [redated's] side of their large family.
Miss Puritan has just completed her Junior year at the Flamboyantly Gospel Hands on Healing School for Institutionalized Asexual Reproduction at the Lower Alabama Osteopathetic Collage of the Nazirene.
Three years of Student Cafeteria meals has left Prudezolla immune to all known (and a number of still unrecognized) food-borne pathogens.
Once the EE-EE-EE teams were informed of Prudezilla's regular diet, they understood immediately, her immunity to this misadventure of malevolent comestibles.
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As there was no other experienced staff persons remaining unstrucked, Sister Constipated appoints Miss Puritan as the Emergency Vice-Editor.
Sister Constipated and Miss Puritan hold their first editorial meeting to decide what jobs to assign.
The two women quickly realize that contractual obligations to the advertisers had to be met, without fail! And that they had to contend with a constant flood of incoming pretentiously obscene, grotesque parodies of poorly rewritten plagiarized erotic literature to be posted online, also without fail!
The only people left unafflicted in the building, were a handful of newly arrived and untrained, unpaid college interns and a visiting group of adult remedial students from a local Middle School.
Sister Constipated started to quote "Use it up. Wear it out..."
Prudezilla jumped in to finish "Make it do or do without!" And then they 'High Fived', humped boobs, bumped butts and did a brief hokeypokey,
They were a promising team of 'Can Do!' spirit.
Sister Constipated heroically volunteers for the martyrdom of editing Erotic Art and Toys & Masturbation.
