Howdy folks, my name is Wendell Buford, and I live in a little town name of Frog Whistle, Arkansas, with my widdered Ma, Mavis Buford, and my sister Priscilla. Now, folks is always sayin' to me, "Wendell, you ain't the sharpest tool in the shed, are you?" but I reckon I got me a sixth grade education and I can lift all kinds o' heavy stuff, so I cain't complain, 'cause I reckon I get on okay.
Now like I said, my Ma is a widder, on account o' my daddy got himself runned over by a tractor when I was just a little shaver. Yep, 'parently it was a hundred sixty-five horsepower John Deere with a power take-off attachment, and I reckon you gonna get yourself run down by a tractor it may as well be a fine piece o' American engineerin' like that there, but I guess that weren't much consolation to my daddy, 'cause word is he never even saw it comin', which may have had a lot to do with a few shots of Virgil Tatum's corn liquor under his belt. See, folks around here is always sayin' you get a belt or two of old Virgil's jungle juice 'cross yer chest, and you'd be doin' good if you could spot a whole team o' bull elephants in the ruttin' season, even if you was lookin' fer 'em. Anyway, after we lost my daddy, my Ma brung Priscilla and me up all on her lonesome, but I reckon she done okay at it.
Now my Ma's got a first cousin called Abe Driscoll, but I always call him Uncle Abe 'cause he's been like a uncle to me my whole born days. Uncle Abe lives in a cabin up there in the hills a ways out of town, with my cousin Betsy-Jo and my Granma McCutcheon. Now, you see' ol' Uncle Abe's been widdered himself, 'cause my Aunt Patsy died of the consumption way back when I was so young I cain't hardly remember her, so after she passed, Granma McCutcheon moved in with Uncle Abe so's she could help out with raisin' up Betsy-Jo.
Now bein' if Uncle Abe is my ma's first cousin, then technically that makes him my second cousin, but like I said, he's just like a uncle to me, but I guess that means Betsy-Jo is really my third cousin, but folks don't go puttin' too many numbers on things like that out this way. Anyways, bein' cousins, Betsy-Jo and me was real close as kids. We played together, we run together, we fought together, we wrassled together, we fished together, matter of fact, most anything two kids can do together, I reckon we done it together, 'cause like I said, we was real close.
Now, truth is I guess Granma McCutcheon and me ain't really related by blood, but out where we hails from, family is family, so I just call her Granma. Matter of fact, I reckon if I called her by anything else she'd whale my butt with that big black skillet of hers, so I reckon I'll just keep on callin' her Granma fer the duration, 'cause it's safer that way. You see, Granma McCutcheon got herself widdered too when she was real young, and I reckon life's been hard fer her, and it's done took its toll, 'cause she can be a little testy. In fact, sayin' she was downright cantankerous wouldn't be putting' too much exaggeration on it. Old Uncle Abe is always sayin' you just gotta watch yer p's and q's around Granma, and that may be so, but I reckon there's a whole lotta other letters in that there alphabet you wanna be keeping a real close eye on too, 'cause like I said, it don't take much.
Another thing about Granma McCutcheon, she learned herself how to be a doctor a few years back. You see, we ain't had a regular doctor round these parts fer a long time but ol' Mr Winthrop, the county vet, is usually more'n happy to tend to any ailments as folks comes along with, even though he done his doctorin' trade on animals and livestock, but when he's got a drunk on he can be a little hard to get a hold of. So, Granma McCutcheon figured she could learn doctorin' and take up the slack. Way she done it, she learned herself doctorin' out of a book she got on mail order, called,
"Fresnel's Medical Almanac."
She's been doctorin' in her spare time fer a few years now, and I reckon she can doctor up there with the best of 'em these days. She even throws in a full service, and gives folks a free tea-leaf readin' after their doctorin' session is done. So, that's all about Granma McCutcheon, straight up.
Anyway, this here story starts a ways back one time when I was stayin' over at Uncle Abe's place, so's I could help with the shingles on the roof. We was up on that roof all mornin', and it was gettin' powerful hot up there, so Uncle Abe said we ought to have ourselves a spell. So me and Uncle Abe clumb down off of the roof, and Uncle Abe went to the kitchen to make himself a pot of coffee, and that left me all on my lonesome.
Now, one thing about fixin' shingles, it always puts me in the mood fer wrasslin', so I went off to look fer Betsy-Jo. Now that might sound strange, bein' Betsy's a girl and all, but I done whooped all the other fellas around these parts and Betsy's awful strong fer a girl and she's whooped most of 'em herself, so she gives me more of a challenge when we goes in fer wrasslin' together, so that's why I went lookin' fer her. I knew Betsy'd be off in the woods someplace, making pets of them wild critters like she does, so that's where I went lookin' fer her.
I done looked all over them woods but I couldn't find Betsy-Jo no place, so I went back a different way, past the old swimmin' hole, where Betsy-Jo and me used to go skinny dippin'. We hadn't done no skinny dippin' fer a long while, but when I got closer I could hear Betsy-Jo a-splashin' around in the swimmin' hole, and talkin' to them wild critters like they was gonna talk right back to her, but I couldn't see nothin' 'cause there was a whole lotta bushes 'twixt me and the swimmin' hole. I found a gap in them bushes, and I stuck my head through. I was about to holler out to Betsy-Jo to see if she was up fer some wrasslin', but what I seen gave me a big surprise.
Now, it weren't no surprise to see Betsy-Jo in her birthday suit, on account of that's how folks dress when they's a skinny-dippin', but what plumb took me by surprise was how different Betsy looked since the last time I seen her like that. She was all rounded out and curvy lookin' and them titties of hers was like two grapefruits hangin' off of her chest, only they wasn't really hangin', it was more like they was pointin' straight ahead at me, and down where her pecker woulda been if she was a fella, there was this triangle of gold coloured hair. Matter of fact it was Betsy-Jo first told me girls ain't got peckers, back when we went skinny-dippin' the first time.
I remember she shucked off her clothes that first time we went skinny-dippin', and I looked at her and I said, "Betsy-Jo! What happened to yer pecker?" and she said, "Don't you be silly Wendell. Girls ain't got peckers."
"Well," I said, "how do y'all pee?" cause I really wanted to know how a body could pee without no pecker, and Betsy-Jo said, "Easy, Wendell, we just squat down and do it like a lady." Then she said, "Only thing is I cain't show you how we do it on account of Granma McCutcheon tol' me it ain't good manners to squat down and pee in front of folks. She said y'all got to wait till their backs is turned and do it when they ain't lookin.'"
Well, I said, "That's okay, Betsy. I know what y'all look like, and I know what squattin' down looks like, and I know what peein' looks like, so if I put them four things together in my head, I reckon I know what you squattin' down to pee looks like," and Betsy-Jo said, "See Wendell, you ain't nowhere near as silly as folks's always sayin'."
Anyway, that was way back, but this particular day, I was so plumb surprised at how different Betsy-Jo was lookin' that when I tried to holler out to see if she was up fer some wrasslin', it was like my throat was all dry and squeezed out of shape, and there weren't no sound comin' out. I swallowed some spit to wet my throat again, and I took me a breath to start hollerin', but I heard Granma McCutcheon back at the cabin. She was hollering herself that lunch was on the table and how it ain't gonna eat itself, so we better get ourselves back there else the hogs is gonna be eatin' up big today.
Well, one thing I like better than wrasslin', and that's eatin', so I high-tailed it back to the cabin fer some of Granma McCutcheon's possum grits and hog jowls, with a side of biscuit. I reckon I was already on seconds when Betsy-Jo got back with her clothes on.
Me an' Uncle Abe never got back up on that roof that day, but the next day we was up there most of the mornin', finishin' off them shingles and when that was done we tended to a few other chores needed doin' about the place, and then it was time fer more of Granma McCutcheon's home cookin'. After we finished lunch, Uncle Abe went out to the front porch to set on the two seater swingin' chair with a pot of coffee, and Betsy-Jo went back into the woods to play with her critters again. Then Granma McCutcheon went out to boil up some lye soap, and that left me all on my lonesome again.
That belly full of Granma McCutcheon's possum puree and sow belly with turnip greens was makin' me feel like I could use a little nap, so I done laid down on Uncle Abe's big ol' bed, and I laid there a mite, thinkin' about stuff in my head. I got to thinkin' about yesterday, and how different Betsy-Jo was lookin' over at the swimmin' hole. I was thinkin' about them titties of hers, eyeballin' me like they was, and how she turned her back to me to walk out the other side of the swimmin' hole, and I remembered that her butt was all curved out like some kinda prize-winnin' pumpkin at the county fair. Then, all of a sudden, I realised that my pecker was gettin' all swoll up. Well, first thing I thought, I must have got bit on the pecker by a snake, 'cause I couldn't think of no other reason fer my pecker to get all swoll up like that. I looked around, but I couldn't see no snake anywhere, but I remembered something Uncle Abe told me one day about what to do if you ever get bit on the leg by a snake.
Uncle Abe told me if y'all ever get bit on the leg by a snake, you got to get this here thing called a, "torny-kay," and put it on yer leg, so's the poison don't go spreadin', else that leg's gonna fall right off. Well, I sure didn't want my pecker fallin' off cause I'd have to squat down to pee like a girl so I looked around, but I couldn't see nothin' to use fer a torny-kay. I was real sure I didn't want that poison spreadin', but I didn't have no torny-kay to put on my pecker, so I got me a notion to squeeze on my pecker so's it wouldn't spread nowhere, so, I squeezed real hard on my pecker.
Well, my pecker was swoll up hard as hickory by now, but when I squeezed on it, it kind of felt good, so I squeezed a little harder and it felt a little better. Well, it seemed that the harder I squeezed, the better it felt, and then I got this other notion to rub on it while I was squeezin' on it. Well, I started rubbin' on my pecker while I was a squeezin' on it, and that felt even better than just squeezin' on it did, so next thing I knew, I was rubbin' and squeezin', and squeezin' and rubbin', and it just felt better'n, better'n better, and before long, it felt so good I took to breathin' real hard, too.
Well, I was a-layin' there on Uncle Abe's bed, squeezin' on my pecker, and rubbin' on my pecker, and huffin' and puffin' while I was squeezin' and a- rubbin', and I reckon I was breathin' so hard I musta sounded like that big ol' steam engine over there at the lumber mill, and it just kept feelin' better and better all the time. Then, somethin' mighty strange happened, cause all that rubbin' and squeezin' on my pecker felt so good I just didn't know what was going on, and it felt almost too good, and all of a sudden, I thought I pissed myself.
I laid there a moment, wondering what just happened, and I looked down at my jeans and there was a big wet patch on the front, so I looked inside and there was all this white goo come out of the end of my pecker. Now I was real scared, 'cause I remembered the snake again, and I figured it must have been the poison makin' all that white stuff come out of my pecker. Then I remembered somethin' else Uncle Abe done told me about when you get bit on the leg by a snake. He said that if you ever get bit on the leg by a snake you better get some doctorin' real quick.