or the holidays I work as a Santa to help raise money for a couple of charities. I dress up in a costume and make appearances at various malls and other festivals and events. One of the funniest parts of the job is driving around the city in a Santa outfit... many places I visit don't have dressing rooms, so I simply put on the costume at home and then off I go. But just like any commuter, sometimes I have to pop by a convenience store or stop at an ATM and everyone there thinks it's hysterical to see a Santa doing everyday errands. One evening after doing a gig, I had to stop and get gas on the way home. If the sight of a Santa pumping 87 octane into a Nissan doesn't make one laugh, I'm not sure what does.
Needless to say, on that fateful night there was a young lady standing next to the opposite pump, sobbing and obviously distraught. I watched as she went to a payphone, tried inserting several coins, but the phone wasn't working and she slammed it down in frustration. I also noticed she was hot. Smoking hot. Early twenties, hard body, but lots of curves. Regardless, it is the season of giving so I asked her if she needed to use my cell phone.
She was quite startled to find a Santa offering help, but then said "I don't know what to do... I borrowed my brother's car and it ran out of gas. I don't have any cash on me and now I'm going to be late for work."
"Where's you car?" I asked.
"Right there." She replied, pointing to a beat up Chevy. She had managed to pull off the road and up to the pump β but had no way of paying for gas.
"Listen," I said. "Here's $10. Is that enough to get you to work and back?"
"Oh my God," she replied. "That is so nice of you. I had no idea what I was going to do. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I will pay you back."
I said there was no need, but she insisted, "No please let me pay you back. I work at a club just 2 miles away. You can follow me there and I'll get you some cash."
What the hell, I figured. I'm single. It was Friday but I had no plans other than going home to crash in front of the TV. So why not go and grab a couple of cocktails and learn more about this babe? "O.K.," I said, "you talked me into it. What's your name?"
"Donna," she replied and asked me my name. I told her and she shook my hand. "Nice to meet you Jon... I mean Santa." She was now beaming and looked even more stunning.
So we both filled our tanks and I followed her to the club. What she failed to mention was that it wasn't a bar, as I had assumed, but a flipping strip club! I pulled into a parking space and sat there thinking, "Oh my God, I can't believe I'm at a strip club dressed as Santa." I was contemplating leaving when she came up and tapped on my window....
"I have to go in a separate entrance, but tell the bouncer at the front door that you're a friend of mine... then you won't have to pay a cover. I'll meet you inside."
Sheepishly, I walked up to the front door and both the bouncer and valet started chuckling. I mentioned I was there to see Donna and they swung open the doors to let me in. Talk about an entrance! The entire place was packed... three stages of dancers and a large crowd of guys getting drinks from scantly clad cocktail waitresses and lap dances going on everywhere. But it all seemed to come to a standstill when I walked in. The whole place stopped for what seemed like an eternity... but then I was greeted with smiles, laughter and a few cheers from various corners of the room.
There wasn't a bar, so I found myself a little table off to the side and sat down. The first thing I wanted was a drink, and my waitress was quick to comply. Then came an endless procession of dancers wandering the floor, offering lap dances. I kept saying "No thank you, I'm here to see a friend," which sounded pretty silly. I kept thinking to myself... where the hell is Donna? After half an hour of fending off lap dance offers and downing two more vodka tonics, I was getting a little impatient.